Keenan Pov

Deep down I think I already know…

They want me to believe she’s truly gone, they want me to believe the bond is really broken.

But every week my suspicion grew and I know that they’re lying to me.

Every so often I’ll feel a… random flutter of emotion, and sometimes it’s so fleeting that I wonder if I felt it at all, yet I know for a fact that the emotion isn’t mine.

I know because all I’ve been able to feel these past couple of months, was a bleak numbness, I was completely desensitized to everything.

I did everything and anything to get the image of her, lying in my arms, completely still, out of my mind.

But the memory always finds its way back to haunt me, unrelenting, forbidding me to think about anything else.

Fuck!

I just need to know! I just need to know that she’s really alive, I just want to see it for myself.

But deep down I think I already know.

If those random flickers of emotions aren’t mine, then they’re hers.

Wherever she’s at, whatever she’s doing, she’s happy.

I remember the first time I felt it, it completely freaked me out, her emotion was so intense that I could feel it through our nearly nonexistent bond.

I can’t even remember a time where I felt such a strange emotion. I admit it took me a while to recognize it for what it was and name it. Genuine happiness.

It was nothing like the brief high of pleasure I got while inflicting pain on someone else, it wasn’t like the few seconds of satisfaction post sex.

This was real happiness.

The kind that was delirious, the kind that instantly lifted your mood, the kind that was addictive.

Was it shameful to admit that I relied on those fleeting moments to keep me going? That it gave me some semblance of hope?

Then I began to wonder what exactly could be making her feel this way.

I mean after what happened, at least one of us was happy, because it definitely wasn’t me.

It’s ironic really.

Who knew that she was right all along?

Nothing I had was real, not the cause I thought I once stood for, not the superiority I convinced myself I had over all other wolves and beings, not the challenge I thought I posed to the goddess, not any of the friendships I had, nothing.

They all only follow me because of what they think I can do for them, even before she came into my life, our conversations were superficial and meaningless. For christ sake we’ve been talking about the same shit for years!

The parties are the same, the drugs are the same, the people are the same, everything was the same, so what’s changed?

I did. These are all things I killed my mate for... and now?

I can’t stand the fucking sight of it.

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“Keenan where the hell have you been?!” My mother yells storming out of her room in her robe. “Answer me now! Keenan Adrian Hallins! Where have you been all week?!”

I walked past her, the stench of liquor probably rolling off me in waves.

“How dare you just stroll in here-”

I slam the door shut behind me, not caring enough to even pretend to listen.

I just don’t care anymore, about anything.

Another day, another dead end.

I spent the last week in Illinois, the birthplace and childhood state of my mate, but I found no leads. Her last living relative was an aunt on her father’s side, but they were estranged and I don’t think even she knows Angeline exists.

I was running out of leads to go off of, and it was getting more and more frustrating.

I know what you must think, why do I care so much? Why am I trying to find her?

You could say it’s selfish, but when have I ever been anything but?

But I need to see it for myself.

I need to see her alive.

I was doing it for my wolf of course, and my wolf only.

He stopped communicating with me entirely after what happened.

I wish he was angry with me again, angry is better than this quiet emptiness inside. I don’t know what it is I’m hoping for, I don’t even know if anything will fall back into place once we see her again, I don’t know.

I’m only finding her for him because he deserves this peace of mind. My intentions for once are pure and uncorrupt.

At least that’s what I tell myself.

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Now that we’ve all lost our rankings, Tanner, Mark, and I, it meant our positions were up for anyone to take if we didn’t earn them back.

Mark and Tanner have been challenged almost every day since and each opponent is stronger than the last, they’re struggling to keep afloat and it’s getting more and more apparent that they’ll never win their rankings back.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I lived and breathed my training, as it was my only outlet I had to relieve this turmoil she left me in. I’d be just as pathetic as them… weak, tired, and vulnerable.

I’ve only been challenged twice, but I want it to be more.

I live for the challenges, it was the only thing that had my blood pumping these days.

A challenge can either end in a submission or end in death, if the losing party refuses to submit.

Each time it got harder and harder to stop after they’ve already submitted, they were becoming more and more scared of me. Sometimes I’d catch a whiff of their fear.

I know something strange was happening to me. I was getting faster, stronger, my reflexes more intense. Logic and reason were slipping further and further away and it felt like it was only a matter of time before something in me just… snapped.

‘Loose canon’ they’d call me.

I didn’t care though, part of me knew they were right.

Once I get to the training room, I see Britney outside waiting for me.

Ever since the incident with Angeline, Vivianne made no attempt to hide the fact that she was reveling at the idea that I was losing my mind.

Britney was the exact opposite though, knowing I found my mate made her more obsessed with me than ever before. She was convinced it was a fluke.

I have little tolerance to entertain such delusions right now.

“What do you want Britney? I’m busy.”

“I just want to talk, you disappear on us for days on end and you don’t think to tell us anything? I was worried sick about you!”

“What part of this are you not getting? What’s so hard to understand? Huh? I was using you the whole time! I never loved you, never cared, you were just a means to an end.”

She gasped and tears welled in her eyes, I couldn’t help but feel that familiar tinge of satisfaction seeing this.

“I-I-I don’t believe you. I know you feel bad about what happened to that human girl, but that wasn’t your fault! You don’t have to push everyone away! I just want to be there for you! Because I love you!”

“God give it up Britney,” Vivianne’s annoying voice chimed in. “You look so pathetic, you both do. I don’t even get why you’re still graveling at his feet, it’s not gonna work, you’re not his mate, she was.”

“No,” Britney shook her head, “there’s no way she’s his mate, that’s just a stupid rumor.”

“You know, now that I think about it, everything suddenly makes so much sense now. Why you hated her, why you made us all hate her, why I’d always catch you staring at her, why you’d look for any excuses to mess with her.

“I also know you’ve been threatening Jean and Principal Anderson for any details of her location. I know that’s what you’ve been doing these past few days. I hear they’re even thinking of sending you to the Elder Council. That would be hilar-”

“Shut the fuck up Vivienne, you clearly don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. You want to know what I know?! I know you’ve found your mate, I know he rejected you once he found out you’ve given half the males in this pack a place between your legs. I know you’ve been visiting the goddesses temple every Sunday even though we both know you’re far from religious, I know you quit the partying, I know it’s why you dress differently now. All these changes in hopes of what? That it’ll cleanse you and you’ll be pure again?” I laughed darkly, “you’ really think he’ll accept you? How could you assume he wouldn’t realize that you’re nothing but a used-up shewolf with nothing to offer but her cunt.”

She flinched at my words, never as steel proof as she likes to pretend to be, I wanted to hurt her, and I did.

But in my defense, she literally came looking for a fight, I’m just giving what she asked for.

She grew even more furious, “fuck you, Keenan! You’re no better than me!”

“No better than you?” I had to laugh at that, “sweetheart, I think we both know that I am far far worse. Trust when I say that can and will kill you, you and your stupid little sister. I’ll kill anyone who stands in my way.”