Lila

The cinnamon rolls were divine. But Dane's quiet was disturbing. It was also odd. She was used to his cold silences. Used to his angry, trying-to-keep-myself-from-exploding silences. This was different. A distracted, uneasy silence. As they chewed cinnamon rolls and drank the fresh orange juice, he would answer any question she asked, even smile a little. Then descend right back into distant eyes and a pinched forehead.

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Finally, when she caught him staring at the wall, frowning, she reached out to touch his hand. He blinked and jerked like he was surprised.

"I really think you should tell me what's on your mind," she said carefully. "Something's obviously bothering you. Is it me? Is it…this?" she gestured between them.

He turned his hand over to lace their fingers. "No. Of course not." He picked at the roll in front of him, but his frown was deep. "The opposite, actually."

Lila raised her eyebrows.

Dane swallowed his mouthful, then took a deep breath and wrapped her hand in both of his, staring at them as he spoke. "I was thinking," he said quietly, "how hard it's going to be to let you go home tomorrow. How it feels like we're always waiting to be together, or pretending we aren't, or hiding…something. I hate it."

She smiled. "I hate it too."

"But then I was thinking about how necessary it is," he said, his voice deep and going darker. His gaze drifted to the table as his attention shifted to whatever was in his head. "At first…at first I thought about what it would be like if we didn't have to hide. If we could just be normal. What restaurants I'd take you to. The things we'd do. The…the future." His voice caught on the word and he cleared his throat. "I thought about how I've never met anyone who made me want a future before."

He finally brought his gaze up to meet hers and Lila was stunned by the intensity in his gaze.

"Me either," she breathed.

He nodded. "This isn't normal, you know."

"I know."

"No, Lila, I mean it. Even people who are looking for…this, don't usually find it."

"Dane," she said softly, cheeks heating, "I know."

His thumb traced from the back of her hand, down her wrist. He cleared his throat again. "So I was thinking how hard it is to have to stay away from you. How easy it would be to just…give in. And where that would take us. What life would look like. And…and I really wanted that."

Lila's eyes went wide. "Dane, what—"

"But then I saw it."

"Saw what?" she breathed.

He leaned across the table, still clinging to her hand, but his eyes laser pointed on her. "I saw the whole thing—you and me, together, married, babies." He snapped his mouth closed on the word, hesitated. But he didn't look away. "And then I saw you…dead. Brutally dead because of my insane father."

Her eyes closed and she dropped her chin in grief. "Dane, we don't have to—"

"No, Lila, listen to me. This is the one thing Chris and I have talked about before, wondering how our lives would have been different if we hadn't grown up with this…shadow hanging over us. If my father wasn't my father. If he'd never known our mother. We both see it, how that changed us—in different ways, but it changed us both. What would I have been like if I'd had a real childhood? What would I be like now—how much better would I be if I hadn't been corrupted by him?

"I've never seen the appeal of a family before, ever. But thinking about you this morning, thinking about us, I could see it and…" he swore under his breath. "Everything else seems pale now. Does that make any sense?"

Lila nodded, fighting tears. She clung to his hands and willed herself to keep it together. His face was so pained. His voice kept turning rough. She didn't know how to soothe him. "I have the same feelings," she was finally able to croak.

"He's going to ruin us," Dane said with quiet resolve, his voice shaking. "I can see it. We will try, Lila. We won't be able to resist it. We'll try. We will build a future and then—" he broke off, cursing in frustration. "It's just giving him what he wants. I realized that. I realized if we are revealed, he probably wouldn't come after you right away. He'd probably wait. He'd let us get comfortable. Get close. Then—that's when he'd ruin it for us."

"Dane, you can't live in that place of fear."

"No, that's my point. Eventually I'm not going to be able to resist you anymore and I'm going to decide to take the risk. And you will too. And I don't know if I could do it, Lila."

A cube of ice slid down Lila's spine.

"We aren't there yet and I'm already terrified. Could you imagine if we were married? I'm already overwhelmed with fear when I think of him hurting you—could you imagine if we added kids to that? I don't…I don't think I could take it. I think it would actually break my mind. Crack me open like…like…"

"Stop," she whispered, leaning in too. "You have to stop thinking that way."

"You don't get it!" he snarled through his teeth. "I've finally realized that's exactly what he's waiting for. It's what he wants. He'll either keep me alone my entire life, never able to experience that—or he'll wait until I've got it, then he'll steal it from me. The bastard will destroy me and smile while he does it!"

"But we can't control that. You can't control that. You can't let him make every decision for you," Lila pleaded.

"That's exactly my point!"

Lila hesitated. "What? I don't understand. I'm telling you, I don't think we should make our decisions based on him. I think we have the tools available to protect ourselves and we should use them. But live our lives."

"And I'm telling you, we'll never be able to as long as he's alive."

It felt like someone had punched her in the stomach. "Dane…what are you saying?"

"I'm saying maybe it's time to use some of the training he gave me. Maybe it's time I go after him." His voice got darker and deeper. "The only way I'll ever be free—we'll ever be free—is if he's dead."