Lila

She was sobbing before it was halfway through.

​​

She'd known. Chris couldn't know that: she'd known about this day, about what Dane had done. He'd admitted it that night back in the apartment when he tried to warn her about what his father was like, how sick things got around him. He'd broken down, shaking and fighting tears, describing not only his fear, but his actions—his ruthlessness, his pretended thrill. He'd broken himself down in front of her and then sworn to her that he'd never regretted anything more than the things he'd done being his father's son. And she'd known it was true. And she'd seen the man he'd become because of it.

But she hadn't expected to have to witness it. To know his father filmed these things. Probably had a entire trove of home movies featuring Dane. And that he was bringing them out now—decades later…

It was overwhelming.

But she couldn't say any of it. Didn't know if Chris could be trusted yet. And even if he could, she couldn't risk putting him in a position to be used because of what he knew…

She closed her eyes when things got bad on the screen, and just cried. Chris stood and tried to take it away, but she stopped him. "Just let me get through it. I have to see it. I have to know," she said hoarsely.

"You don't need to know everything. It will just ruin you," Chris said softly.

"If it's true, I need to know it," she hissed, praying her grief looked more like despair.

She forced herself to watch the rest until the video finally reached its end and froze on a shot of Dane, in his late teens, turning to face his father, a glare he didn't realize he held on his features. Even then he was already most of the man he would become physically, but nothing of the man he was inside, yet. His shoulders were back and his chin up, but the expression on his face… It broke Lila's heart that he'd had to know those feelings when he was that young.

It broke her heart that he knew them now.

"Lila," Chris said softly, "I know this is a lot. But… maybe it's for the best that we know—"

"Of course it's for the best," she spat bitterly. "I've been… I didn't… If I'd had any idea."

Chris's eyes snapped to her face. "What are you saying?"

"Nothing," she said quickly, staring at the screen. "Nothing. It's just… I just know it's always better to know the whole truth. If you don't want to look like a fool. Or get hurt like one…" she let her voice trail off and Chris watched her closely.

Let him watch. She was telling the truth. Just not the truth he thought he was hearing.

*****

An hour later, Chris still hadn't left, and Lila was letting him think she found his presence comforting. "What was it like?" she asked at one point, "living with a man who'd expect you to do things like that."

Chris shuddered. "I never had the expectations on me that Dane had. I was just around. He was cruel at times, really nice at others. But he wasn't interested in me. Not really. As long as I kept out of his way, most of the time I avoided notice. He never made me… I never had to do anything like that. I knew… I mean, Dane talked about it some back then, but he was always trying to keep me out of it. I know… the thing that shocked me about this is that I remember that time in his life, you know?" Chris scratched the back of his neck and his t-shirt rode up on his stomach. "He was excited back then. I think it made him feel powerful. Or strong. Something. There was a year or two there when he got hard to be around—now I know why. I mean, he told me some things later. I knew it was fucked up. But I never saw… I never imagined that he enjoyed it."

"He did?"

Chris nodded, staring at his own hands. "For a while, probably two years before he stopped working with his dad, he was full of himself about it. He'd brag. Never in detail—like I said, I never saw the stuff on that video. But he was a big guy, even then. And he'd use that on people. Either to intimidate them, or with women…" he trailed off again.

Lila lifted her chin. "I know what he was like before," she said.

Chris made a face like she really didn't, but he didn't say anything. She wanted to slap him for the way her stomach sank.

"How could any child survive that?" she asked, her voice faint and she buried her face in her hands. "How is he still sane?"

"When you're raised in a hellhole, you start to like the dark," Chris said. Lila looked up at him because his voice had gone dark and his eyes were distant. He didn't realize she'd turned to him. "You carry it with you, no matter what. No matter how hard you try, you can't shake it. You recognize it in other people—and you recognize when they don't have it too. That's what's so strange about you, Lila," he said suddenly and turned to look at her.

She stared back. "What?"

"Do you know why Dane was drawn to you?"

She swallowed. "I've never really figured that out to be honest."

Chris snorted. "I wonder if he did."

"So… you think you know?"

"I do know. I recognized it the first time I saw you and it only got stronger after that."

"What?"

He held her gaze with his cold blue eyes. "You're a strange one. You have the darkness around you. But… but you don't have it in you. It's like… it's like you can walk through it and enjoy it, but not be touched by it. It doesn't scare you. Like you're used to it, but it doesn't affect you. How did you do that?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she said, though her voice almost quavered at the end. She closed her eyes. "I lived darkness too. Not as dark as that—" she nodded at the tablet. "But I got touched by it. And I never liked it. I swore I'd walk away from it, and I did."

Chris thought about that for a second. "Maybe that's it?" he said.

"What?"

"Maybe you beat it? Maybe that's why we're drawn to you. Because we want what you've got."

"Which is what?"

"Freedom from all this shit."

Lila snorted, but it sounded more like a sob.

*****

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