Lila

She could feel herself shaking. Dane squeezed her hand again and she tried to thank him, but she couldn't do anything except get through the memories, get them out. She sucked in a shaking breath and kept going. She had to own her own part in this.

​​

"The truth is, I helped my father turn suspicion on an innocent man. It took two years, but eventually I got public opinion—on the matter of my father's character, at least—turned around. I got the media to believe my father was a victim. And even though there was less pressure, and more people behind him, I had to watch my Dad get scarier and scarier. His anger turned to aggression. His aggression turned to violence. And he hurt my mother so badly—in so many ways—that she disappeared too. She got addicted to pills and spent most of her days in bed watching stupid television shows and buying things on the internet.

"And even then, my father wouldn't let go. He was haunted by this, Dane. He was a ghost. He couldn't think about anything except his reputation. If he read a comment on a story that said he was a killer, he couldn't sleep. He would rant for hours about how he'd done these things to save us—how he'd only even gotten into this because he was trying to save our family and make things better for others. And I think… I think he really thought that. I think he couldn't see how he'd followed this path from his good intentions to this dark place.

"He would fly off the handle at the slightest issue. He was tormented by what he'd done—but he wouldn't talk about that, only about what other people thought of him, or why it was unfair, or not his fault. He wouldn't get help. And he wouldn't admit what he'd done."

"The thing that changed for me was that I got away from him. As the court cases heated up, Dad had to go underground. So I was at a loose end with a mother hardly ever awake, and I needed something to do. Then I was approache and asked to work for another guy—an older politician who actually was a good guy. And a victim. And even though I only took the job for the money, in the end, it turned out I could help him. And for the first time, when I was working, I could breathe. I believed in what I was doing, and I realized I was doing good. I wanted to do more. But every time I'd think about my dad, I'd get anxious again.

"I got wound so tight, I ended up in therapy, and it was my therapist who asked me what I thought I should have done. I said I thought I should have let my dad get in trouble. I should have told the truth. And if that meant he went to jail or got hurt… I couldn't finish the thought, but she finished it for me. She told me what I told you today, and it changed my world.

"Realizing that my body isn't as important as my soul… it changed me. Realizing that all the dark things my dad had done—from his perspective, to save us, or save himself—and yet the carnage that it left in his wake. Realizing he destroyed more than he saved. It made me see the world differently. And… it's why I can see you, Dane. It's how I know you're good. My therapist taught me how to be honest with myself and stop listening to my own lies. I knew when I met you that you were good, even though you were a brute and a bully. And the reason I knew that was because I'd lived with a man who was dark, and I'd worked for a man who looked bad, but was actually good. There was something in you that sang to me because you were dark in your actions, but not in your heart. But I could also tell you were hurting…"

He made a noise in his throat and rubbed his eyes with one hand. "Thank you. I… I don't know what to say to that." He cleared his throat. "What happened to your Dad? Did he go to jail?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "No. But the thing most people still don't realize is why. He didn't end up in jail because he killed himself two years ago, because he couldn't live with himself anymore. Even though the guy did threaten me and my mother. Even though the guy was using information from very shady sources, he was going to bust the case of Dad's back-door dealings wide open, and he was a good writer. It would have stuck. And the thing was, it was true. My father refused to face the truth. He went to the greatest extremes a person can go to, to protect himself and his family, and in the end, he didn't gain from it. It tortured him, and then he died. He left a note telling me and my mother that he was doing it to save us. He didn't want us to have to live through him losing the court case and going to jail and the shame that would come with that. But instead… instead we got left with a ghost, and everyone's suspicion, and this… limbo. Because it never got resolved. He was a coward and a fraud, and sometimes I hate him."

She turned to meet Dane's eyes again. He was staring at her, wide-eyed. "That's why, when we met, I told you I'd work on anything if it wasn't criminal. That whole episode with my father, watching him waste away, it almost killed me, too. I hated myself so much, Dane. You have no idea. I ended up going to a counsellor for those couple years when things were better. I had to get help because I think if I hadn't, I would have taken my life too.

"Knowing you've done the wrong thing… it kills you inside. Deep down. And it makes you miserable and angry and… nothing good. Even if you want to do good, if you do the wrong thing… it hurts you.

"I was out of therapy when my dad killed himself, and it sent me right back in. And I realized something through all that: I would have rather my dad stood up to that man and he went through with his threat and killed me—or my dad—than that we went through what we went through. Loss sucks. I didn't want to lose anyone. But instead of my father standing strong and being admirable, or me getting lost in something that was out of my control, he tried to stop it. And it not only killed him, it sucked his soul dry first. It's not worth it, Dane. It's not worth it."

"Lila—"

"Please, you have to believe me, it was so painful watching him go insane. Knowing that if he'd just admitted what he did… if he just gave himself up at least he could walk into whatever happened with a clear conscience."

"Lila, I didn't kill my father."

"I'm really glad to hear that, but it's not what I'm talking about," she said quietly. "I'm talking about the things you did, the things you convinced yourself you had to do. For your whole life."

Dane looked away for the first time, frowning at their hands, clasped and resting on his thigh.

"Dane, look at me."

He looked up, his brow lined with tension and eyes guarded. He was afraid of what she'd say. "I love you, Dane," she whispered. "I love you more than I've ever loved another human being. Ever. And tomorrow I'm still going to love you."

"But?" he said, his voice short and dark.

"There is no 'but.' I'm not trying to stop loving you. I'm trying to tell you that I'll love you even if you don't save me. Or yourself. Because you can't save everyone. And it's not your fault if they don't get saved. You can't win everything. And sometimes the only way you can help someone is by keeping yourself safe. It isn't your fault when the world burns. The fire was lit a long time ago. What happened when you were young wasn't your fault. At all. And you don't have to keep paying for it."

She heard his breath catch and didn't look away as his eyes began to well. "Lila…" he searched her gaze, hope and fear warring in his.

"You have to believe me, Dane. If you don't, when we finally get a life—when we're finally certain that your dad is gone—then you'll just find another enemy to fight and we'll be doing this our whole lives. You have to promise me you won't sacrifice yourself to eternal war with invisible demons. Please. Please."

"I don't want to," he breathed. "But fighting… it's all I know. Fighting to stay alive. Fighting to keep other people alive. Fighting him…"

"You have to stop fighting, Dane. You have to just live. Please."