“Then we built a fire, dried off, and waited until Ping-Ping came back chewing on a tentacle. After that, I woke you up and now we’re off to lunch.”

Punctuating my Sending with a kiss on her cheek, Lin smiles sleepily and reclines in my arms. Hiding a yawn with her ever-present white silk scarf, she narrows her eyes in concentration for several seconds, looks at me expectantly, then pouts and asks, “Is Mama Bun okay?”

Talented as she is at Lightening, my wifey has yet to learn how to Send, much to her chagrin. To help her get a feel of it, she asked me to speak only in Sending while she tries to respond in kind. I’m always happy to see her apply herself and if I’m being honest, I love her sulky, pouty expressions. She’s so happy and cheery most of the time, this is a rare chance to enjoy her adorable grumpy expressions. “Mama Bun’s fine. Teacher looked her over, Guard Leader swaddled her in blankets, and both scolded me for not paying proper attention.” Taduk’s been much nicer to Mama Bun ever since she led him to a stalk of rime bamboo and therefore vindicated my decision to raise a horde of bicorn bunnies.

After another concentrated effort and abject failure, Lin whispers, “Poor hubby. Why do you think Mama Bun went for a swim? Do you think she found... something? And umm... did the other thing... do anything?”

Shrugging, I Send, “Who knows. It’s possible she smelled a Spiritual Plant, but it might also be she wasn’t paying attention and forgot to jump off of Ping-Ping. Hell, maybe she wanted to get away from her sixteen needy babies. As for Blobby, he didn’t react, he’s doing what he does best.” Which is nothing, the slacker.

“Are you gonna go look?” Sensing a chance for adventure, Lin’s eyes widen in excitement as she bounces in place, having forgotten we’re sitting together on Mafu’s back while surrounded by hundreds of devout citizens here to see Ping-Ping. Control yourself Rain. Sure, Lin’s not a little girl anymore, nor is she as skinny and scrawny as she used to be. She’s a lovely, petite young woman with a plump, round posterior. Her bright brown eyes are so warm and inviting, I could lose myself in them for hours on end, while her dusky skin is so soft and fragrant it makes you want to wrap your arms around her and never let go. Even now it’s taking all my self-control not to nibble on her ears or send my hands out on an exploratory expedition, curious to know what her reactions will be once I...

er...

What was I getting at again?

Right. Propriety and boundaries. “Stop bouncing around please.” Maybe we should stop riding together, but I love cuddling with my tousle-haired little wifey. What was her question? “...I doubt Mama Bun can sniff out plants growing underwater and even if she can, it’s not safe to go deep diving in the Azure Sea.” If I’m feeling suicidal, there are much easier ways to off myself. “Teacher and Guard Leader are already looking, so if something’s there, then they’ll find it together.” Poor Mama Bun, doing her best impression of a soggy mop while Taduk and Guard Leader fight over who gets to bring her diving. If Mama Bun’s mid-morning swim was a mistake, it’s not one she’ll make again any time soon.

With a disappointed grunt and almost provocative full-body wiggle, Lin settles in and closes her eyes for a nap, her long, velvety hare ears hidden beneath a headscarf. While going skinny dipping with my lovely little wifey is a tempting idea, I’ll definitely lose control the moment we’re alone together. Steeling my nerves, I focus on anything and everything that isn’t the enchanting, innocent, defenceless young woman wrapped in my arms.

Though I wasn’t allowed to keep the Royal Guards, Dastan and his former retinue are doing an admirable job as escorts, looking stately atop their massive warhorses while keeping the crowd at bay so my family and I can head into the city for lunch. Not that I need the guards, the more zealous onlookers are quick to reprimand anyone who breaks one of their unspoken rules, and most people are happy to admire Ping-Ping from afar. Or maybe it’s just their self-preservation instincts keeping them away from the gargantuan turtle. They’d be screaming in fear instead of kneeling in reverence if they’d seen her chomping on a still-writhing tentacle, thicker than a person and longer than she is.

Fuck going into the water. She was gone for less than half an hour, which means the giant, tentacled monstrosities aren’t exactly far from shore. No wonder everyone sticks to the coastline, that shit is fucking terrifying. Even more terrifying is how capable Ping-Ping appears to be, defeating and devouring sea-dwelling behemoths without breaking a sweat. She returned unharmed with only the one tentacle, so I’d imagine there’s an irate kraken still swimming around out there short an arm. For a kraken to cut and run shows how formidable Ping-Ping really is.

It’s possible the quins stole and ate most of Ping-Ping’s meal while she swam back to shore, but I doubt it. They love Ping-Ping even more than the devout citizens do, clustering around her as much as possible. Despite being banned from my yurt, Mafu hasn’t voiced a single squeak of complaint, happy to camp outside next to the terrapin along with the other quins of my retinue. They even trust her enough to let their pups play on and around her, which is extremely rare. If you’re not a quin or one of their favourite people, you could easily lose a hand by reaching for a pup, something I learned firsthand after Zabu tried to gut me way back when the pups first hatched.

I wonder if Yan’s here yet. I miss her hearty, unrestrained laughs at my vulgar or obscene jokes, not to mention our silent training sessions. Then there were the long awkward nights sharing the same tent, where I’d do my best to avoid temptation while dreaming of her long, shapely legs and luscious pink lips...

No! Bad Rain. You have Lin and Mila already, which is two more wives than you deserve. Stop overreaching before you end up with nothing. Yan's the disciple and heir of Du Min Gyu, which is almost royalty here in Central. She probably has more suitors than she can shake a stick at and considering her nature, a dozen infatuated pretty boys dancing to her tune and three dozen more waiting in the wings. Whatever Mila wrote in her letter and wants me to pass along, I doubt it was encouraging Yan to join my harem. Probably the opposite, in fact, warning Yan to stay away. Despite her many virtues, my freckled beloved is a jealous woman, which I find utterly endearing and only a little scary.

It’s her parents who really scare me.

With Ping-Ping at my heels, the gate guards let us through without question while a long line of angry nobles and uppity warriors glare from the side. Once past the gates, the number of Mother lovers declines sharply, which is no surprise. The wealthy and powerful rarely care for anything outside their own interests, and the people who would be interested in paying their respects either already did so last night or are busy working. Picking up the pace, I lead the way back to the same restaurant we ate at last night, since it's the only place we can go to where Ping-Ping can park herself and keep an eye on me without blocking traffic. To my surprise, we find a table ready and waiting for us as the owner welcomes us into his establishment and thanks us for our patronage.

Finally, things are looking up. I mean, I’ve nearly died countless number of times since I arrived in the world and skipping lines hardly seems like an adequate reward, but I’ll take what I can get.

Unlike the owner, the restaurant’s clientele appear less than enthusiastic to see me and my family, though it probably has more to do with Roc and his squawkers settling in on the windowsills or my well-dressed bears and cats sniffing at their meals. Flashing a polite smile and apologetic looks, I herd my floofs to our table with Lin and Li Song’s help. Giggling and waving at the gawking Ping-Ping, Tali and Tate sit with their parents on either side, looking angelic with their white hair and horns peeking out from under their hoods. Similarly covered, Alsantset even went to the trouble of hiding her tiger tail as she surveys our surroundings.

While I’ve yet to see a local half-beast, I don’t understand why Alsantset and Lin feel the need to hide their half-beast traits. Li Song’s walking around with her cat ears and tail in plain sight, and so far nothing’s happened. Taking my seat across from my sister, I reach over and squeeze her hand while the owner lists the day’s specials. “Relax,” I Send with a wink. “Relax, everything’s gonna be fine. Your little brother is a man of status now.”

Rolling her eyes, Alsantset smiles and shakes her head. “Liar. We both know the Legate is using you.”

Yea, but for what? “Doesn’t mean we can’t take advantage. Look how happy the twins are and your husband is all but drooling.” No one hates travel food more than Charok and while he is an excellent cook, there’s only so much he could do with what we have on hand.

“I know but Papa was adamant we remain vigilant, so vigilant we shall be.” Taking a cue from Alsantset, I double check to make sure my defenders are in place. Standing between us and the other diners are Pran, Saluk, Sahb, and Dastan, with about forty more of my retinue just outside in the streets, along with the chain-smoking Guan Suo and I assume the well-hidden Jochi, Argat, and Lin’s three remaining guards. Then there’s Ping-Ping herself, peeking through the windows with both eyes wide open, making sure I don’t try to escape out the other side. I don’t know if she’ll defend me from an attack, but she makes for an intimidating deterrent. Mentor also has guards in place looking after his precious daughter and grandchildren, though I’m not privy to the details nor am I capable enough to spot them. Along with the Legate’s decree, my little group is as safe as can be, which means it’s okay to relax and enjoy myself.

As if the universe were out to prove me wrong, peril immediately rears its ugly head. Stomping up the stairs in military fashion, a crowd of painted young nobles march into the restaurant and fixate on my family. Exactly twenty overdressed fops and at least twice as many guards surround us and quietly intimidate our neighbours into abandoning their tables. Taking their seats, their angry glowers stifle all conversation at my table, though they do nothing else. Arms crossed and heads high, they’re careful never to reach for their weapons or make threatening gestures, and while technically they’ve broken no rules or laws, their goal is clear.

They’re here to goad me into a fight.

And it might even work. Tate and Tali are putting on a brave face, but anyone can see they’re terrified out of their minds. Alsantset and Charok can’t even take the time to comfort them since they’re busy getting ready to defend against all comers. Instead, my beautiful, adorable niece and nephew cling to one another and do their best not to cry, staring left and right with wide-eyed apprehension. Even my pets are affected by the oppressive atmosphere as they crowd around the twins in search of comfort, though Jimjam and Sarankho both seem ready to fight. Soothing my animals with Aura, I ready myself to unleash hell upon anyone who dares to threaten my family.

I guess lunch in the city was a terrible idea...

“So,” a young noble says, his voice thick with sarcasm. “This is why the Divine Turtle’s Attendant is too busy for a duel.”

“Now now,” chimes in another. “You must see things from his perspective. To you and I, it looks like a normal meal, but think of how much effort these savages went through to prepare for this monumental occasion.”

“Aye, eating lunch with a bunch of primitives takes dedicated effort.” A third voice pipes up as the others smile and chuckle.

“It’s fascinating, really. Look how they mimic human behaviour by wearing clothes and using cups.”

“It’s almost like they’re real people. So uncanny.”

“Went a little overboard though, he even dressed the animals.”

“Well, you must allow the savage a few indulgences. For all we know, one of those filthy animals is his lover, maybe even all of them.”

“Enough.” Slamming the table, I choke down the burning rage and suppress my desire to cut down every one of these bastards who dared to insult my family. Besides, if this goes on much longer, Alsantset will kill someone. Taking a deep breath, I turn to the closest noble and growl, “So you’re the ones who sent the challenges I declined. Fine then. I accept your challenges, all of them. Right now. Where are the duelling grounds?”

I should’ve taken Ulfsaar’s advice and saved myself the hassle.

‘Escorted’ by my challengers, I stop to pay the owner on my way out. “Please have our food ready in an hour.” The gathered nobles laugh and jeer, but I ignore them and head for the arena which is conveniently located across the street. Blocked from sight by Ping-Ping’s girth stands a square, stone stage surrounded by four more empty lots just like the one Ping Ping is parked in. On stage, two painted idiots dance about with their swords for a small, barely interested crowd. In no mood to wait, I jump onto stage and interrupt their 'match' with a perfunctory, “Leave.”

To my surprise, both contestants stop fighting and scurry away, though it might have more to do with the twenty nobles following me up on stage. While I stretch, the spokesperson for the nobles turns to address the crowd. “People of Nan Ping, you know me and the warriors standing at my side. While some of us are tied by blood or faction, we are by in large an unaffiliated bunch who share but one common bond: each of us challenged the Northern Savage and each of us were spurned. However, as you can see, the Northern Savage has reconsidered his position and is here to officially accept our duels.”

At his words, a waiting Justicar makes his way onto stage, wearing the customary flowing black official’s robes and featureless metal mask which marks his office. “As Justicar of the Empire, I warn you, the Legate’s decree is in effect. Duels to the death will not be permitted and murderers made an example of.” Without waiting for anyone to acknowledge his words, the Justicar turns to me and says, “You are here of your own volition?”

“Yes.” Not really, but these bastards need to pay for threatening my family and delaying my lunch.

“As the challenged, how do you wish to proceed?”

“One on one with each challenger. Blunted weapons, until knockout or submission.” No point taking dumb risks, but I also don’t want to fight twenty duels in a row. “However, my time is valuable, and thus would like to place stakes on the battle. One thousand gold a match. No money, no fight.”

“Ridiculous,” scoffs a young noble. “Do you even have a thousand gold?”

“You realize a Second Grade Warrant Officer is paid a thousand gold a month, right?” The young noble flushes with shame, probably because he’s grossly outranked by a ‘Northern Savage’. I'm miffed they removed the ‘Undying’ part. That’s the best part. “Whatever. Li Song, may I borrow your ring and armour please?”

Luckily, she only hesitates for a second before agreeing, removing both with Lin and Alsantset’s help. Bringing them onto stage, she reluctantly hands them over with a small sigh before retreating to Lin’s side. At least she said yes, it would’ve been embarrassing if she refused. Handing both to the Justicar, I say, “A Runic cultivation ring and a Runic breastplate should easily sell for twenty-thousand gold, collateral if I can’t pay in full. There’s my wager gentleman, so I must insist you all pay yours upfront as well.”

My scheme pays off in spades. Overcome with greed, the twenty idiots agree to my terms and send their people to collect the money, all while arguing over how to split to proceeds as if my defeat and bankruptcy is guaranteed. I don’t have twenty-thousand gold in coin, but I only need to win ten matches to break even.

By the time the gold arrives, a large crowd has gathered to watch, shouting and clamouring as they place their wagers. Not on victory or defeat, but on how many opponents before I’m defeated. Ever confident, Alsantset and Li Song both wager on my complete victory while Lin cheers me on with the twins on Ping-Ping’s shell. My first luckless opponent is a painted young noble wearing a white robe embroidered in red, blue, purple, and green and a circlet spouting three really, really long, curved feathers, almost longer than he is tall. Approaching with a sneer, Feathered Big Bro points his blunted jian and says, “Yesterday, you humiliated my younger brother, but I am an Expert of the-”

Rolling my eyes, I interrupt with a loud groan. “Don’t care, didn’t know his name, don’t wanna know yours. Ready.”

“Arrogant savage. Ready.”

“Begin.”

Leaping back at the Justicar’s signal, Feathered Big Bro makes himself look like an idiot as I stand in place, crouched behind my practice shield. Like I’m going to charge out, there are nineteen other matches to fight. Planting my feet, I stand and patiently wait while he leaps and twirls, waving his jian around in fancy patterns to the cheers of the crowd. I don’t understand, he’s not particularly fast nor are his movements all that refined, but the audience loves it. I suppose it’s pretty to look at, with his flapping robes and fancy feathers bobbing in the wind, but it’s hardly practical. Akanai would say it’s all style and no substance, a performance instead of a battle.

The moment Feathered Big Bro slips in range, I strike. Lunging forward, the tip of my shortsword clips his chin and rattles his brain. The heavily Reinforced blow shatters his jaw and sends his comatose body crashing aside as his teeth rattle off the stage. Sheathing the sword, I grab Feathered Big Bro by the boot and drag him to a neutral corner, leaving a wet trail of blood behind us and soaking his pretty feathers. Returning to centre stage, I draw my shortsword and say, “Ready.”

That was close. If I’d connected with the side of his head or on his neck, Feathered Big Bro would be dead. A hundred percent Reinforcement is too much, gotta tone it down. Fifty maybe?

My second opponent is another painted idiot who looks exactly like the first, wearing a predominantly red robe with hints of white, blue, and purple. No feathers this time, but he has literal bells in his hair which jingle with every step. Maybe I’m racist but I can’t really tell these guys apart except for their clothes, so I don't really know who said what back in the restaurant. Are they all related? Is that why everyone seems retarded? Because they’re all inbred? As Bells opens his mouth to monologue, I preemptively interrupt and say, “Ready.”

“I am -”

“Ready,” I repeat, interrupting Bells again. “I have eighteen more matches to finish before lunch in forty-five minutes, I don’t have time to listen to your verbal diarrhea.”

The crowd falls silent except for the twins chanting, “Verbal Diarrhea! Verbal Diarrhea! Verbal Diarrhea!”

Oof. I’m gonna pay for that later, Alsantset will not be pleased. Eyes narrowed in anger, Bells says, “Ready.”

“Begin.”

Darting to my left, Bells stops and tries to pivot right, stupidly pausing right in front of me. The crunch of bone fills the air as my shield slams into his face, followed by a peal of chimes as Bells drops to the stage and groans. Hmm... fifty percent Reinforcement is too little, but at least Bells isn’t choking on his teeth. Stomping his head once, I check if he’s unconscious before stomping once more for good measure. I’d forgotten how hard it is to knock someone unconscious. Sheathing my sword, I grab his boot and drag him off to join Feathered Big Bro in the corner.

Two down, eighteen to go, and still plenty of energy left in the tank. Is this really all they got? I mean, I understand these are mostly local kids and not indicative of the entire province, but this is way too easy. Seriously, if they’re all this bad then this’ll be the easiest twenty-thousand gold I’ve ever made, and I've earned tonnes of easy money.

Honestly, if this is what Central is like, then we might as well call it and head home. The Defiled are gonna make this province and everyone in it their bitch, and I ain't dying for them.

Chapter Meme