When I made my wager, I figured twenty thousand gold would be a lot of money.

I was wrong.

Okay, yea, twenty thousand gold is a whole lot of buying power but I figured it'd be more physically impressive. I imagined myself leaving the city with a wagon full of coins, or at least an overflowing chest or something. Instead, my winnings fit neatly inside two wooden boxes, each about the size of a briefcase and easily carried in one hand. I suppose I could have done the math and saved myself the disappointment. Twenty thousand gold is only two hundred gold cards, which at 250 grams each means I only won 50 kilograms of gold in total. It’s my fault for having unrealistic expectations but I can’t help feeling cheated as I stare at my visually disappointing winnings sitting on the restaurant table.

If it wasn’t for the Justicar’s meticulous measurements and credible reassurances, I’d weigh and count each gold card myself to make sure I wasn’t being cheated. I would’ve been happier if I’d been paid in coins, not only would it be more satisfying to look at, it’s also impossible to use gold cards unless I’m making purchases for my entire retinue or something. How’s a street-side snack vendor selling meat skewers at two coppers apiece supposed to make change for a hundred gold? That’s 98 coppers, 9 silvers, and 99 gold he’d have to pay back, or the equivalent of selling 49,999 skewers.

Dammit... Now I want skewers... I’m so hungry, I could eat a whole cow.

Due to several opponents giving up towards the end, I finished my twenty duels faster than expected, so our meal isn’t waiting for my triumphant return like I’d hoped. Having learned from my mistakes, this time I brought twenty guards instead of four and had them occupy the tables around me. I’d bring everyone inside if I could, but someone has to look after the quins and keep the crowd away from Ping-Ping. Guan Suo made a snarky comment about the quality of my retinue, so I left more guards than necessary. I would’ve let the unfriendliest red-panda bring more of his Protectorate to guard Ping-Ping, but they refuse to dress nicely and I was worried someone would make a stink if I let the Divine Turtle plod around with a shabbily-dressed entourage. The last thing I need is the Legate to reprimand me for not outfitting the Divine Turtle's guards properly.

“You look so distressed little brother,” Charok teases, reaching across the table to flick my forehead. “Unsure how to spend your hard earned winnings with your little wifey at your side?”

Tightening her grip on my arm, Lin pouts and puffs her cheeks as if worried I’ll leave to tour the brothels of Nan Ping. “You shouldn’t spend it all, ya? You’re wealthy but it’s all tied up in your schools and artwork. You’ll need the coin to buy food for everyone and more.”

“Don’t worry little wifey, your hubby is a changed man who knows to behave.” Patting her hands, I smile and shake my head, keeping my disappointment to myself. Over the small pile of money, not the lack of prostitutes in my life. I've come to terms with the latter. Removing a stack of ten gold cards, I slide them over to Li Song and ask, “Is five percent a fair price for using your ring and armour as collateral? Sorry I didn’t ask first, but I was caught up in the moment and you’re the only one here who owns anything of value.”

In the middle of counting her winnings, the cat-girl’s green eyes flash with greed and surprise. It’s so easy to read her thought process it’s almost laughable. First delight, then suspicion, followed by conflict and inner struggle, she sits in silence and carefully thinks things through. Why am I offering so much money? Do I have ulterior motives? Am I low-balling her? And so on and so forth. It’s a little hurtful she still treats me like a hostile stranger, shying away when I get too close or keeping close watch on my actions out of the corner of her eye, but at least she doesn’t treat me worse than any other man barring her papa Husolt. Even Charok, the kindest, sweetest guy I know had to switch seats with Alsantset after noticing how uncomfortable Li Song was with sitting across from him. She’s come a long way since she joined our little family, but she’s still has a long way to go before making a full recovery.

Assuming she ever makes it that far. Some traumas just can’t be healed...

Either way, five percent is more than fair and while money can’t buy happiness, poverty can’t buy shit, so if you're gonna be miserable, it's better to be rich and miserable. Accepting my terms with a silent nod, she goes back to counting her winnings and stringing coins onto twine loops. The real winners today were the bookmakers since almost everyone bet on me to lose, but Alsantset and Li Song are close seconds as both bet on me to win all twenty matches, albeit at a measly 50:1 odds. If Bulat had been there, he’d have talked them into giving higher odds then borrowed money to bet on my win, but my sister and martial aunt aren’t the savviest of gamblers and accepted the poor rates without question. What irks me more is Li Song asked to be paid in coins and the bookies were happy to hand her a fat sack of coins.

I hate how it jingles when people walk across the restaurant. Despite being worth twice as much, the ten gold cards stacked beside it seem paltry in comparison.

Whatever, I should stop complaining. I made stacks... Well, a stack of money and I didn’t even tear my clothes. There were a few close calls but my opponents were not particularly talented or skilled, though still better off than yesterday's. A handful of them might’ve given Baledagh a good fight, but I’m confident my little brother would be the last man standing at the end, especially with me to help heal his cuts and bruises. Dastan, Fung and BoShui too probably, though twenty matches is a lot to ask of them. Li Song and Zian for sure, and there’s no need to mention Mila.

As for Huu... maybe? I want to go test his skills but I’m too scared to talk to him. I’ll stand on stage and duel whoever Central throws at me but I can’t find the courage to ask my friend if he hates me now. Almost becoming Defiled isn’t something easily excused. It’s like finding out someone almost became a pedophile. This person hasn't committed a crime, but they've thought about it, been tempted by it, and almost went through with it, which is arguably almost as bad. You can never look at that person the same way ever again, and you definitely won't leave your kids unattended around them. I don’t regret coming clean about my near-Defiled status but if anyone outside the Bekhai were to ever discover the truth about me or Gerel or Dastan, then we’d all suffer for it. I can’t blame Huu if he doesn’t want to be friends anymore, but I wish things were different.

Then again, he hasn’t been hateful or mean, just distant, so there’s still hope. Until Huu makes his position clear, I’m happy to wallow in blissful ignorance.

As soon as our meal arrives, I abandon my moping in favour of delicious indulgence, marvelling at dish after dish of enticing Central cuisine. Say what you will about their bigotry, chauvinism and all-around arrogance, but damn do these bastards know how to cook. As a rule of thumb, I’m not a huge fan of seafood but that’s because I’ve only ever had it steamed or boiled. Yuck. Simmering in a bed of garlic vermicelli, fried in fragrant chili oil, or battered, baked, and drowned in a savoury sauce, Central has opened my eyes to the wonders of the sea. Even if I have to fight another twenty duels, I’m coming back here for dinner so I can try everything on the menu.

The spicy fried squid is easily my favourite, and while these particular tentacles cannot match the size or majesty of Ping-Ping’s lunch, the chewy, mouth-watering appendages are almost enough to make me reconsider my fear of the deep unknown. I mean, if the kraken are running from Ping-Ping, how tough could they be? She’s a big girl, but considering the size of the tentacle she ate, I’d imagine the kraken was at least twice her size, if not more. Who knows, maybe giant squids aren’t as scary as they seem and it’d be criminal to starve poor Ping-Ping like that. One tentacle can’t be enough to keep her full for long, so she’ll probably go out again in the afternoon. I could tag along and keep an eye on her through the crystal clear water from a distance...

I kinda understand why the Defiled are so fearless now. If I were starving and found my enemies delicious, I’d be brave too.

Delicious as the meal is, the best part is watching Tali and Tate enjoy themselves. An hour ago, they were scared out of their minds, but now they’re happy as can be, eating all the crab legs and fried duck their tiny bellies can handle. Lin and Li Song are almost as adorable, but my wifey doesn’t like it when I watch her eat and it’d be weird to stare at Li Song, so my niece and nephew are all I get. Dastan and his people take turns eating and politely keeping the riffraff away, though few people try to approach. I guess they know the quality of their young warriors and don’t find my twenty victories any more impressive than I do.

I went easy on them too. Not to toot my horn or anything, but I could have made them suffer if I wanted to. A couple broken bones is a small price to pay for insulting my family, so if Central’s young warriors continue bothering me and mine, then I’ll start dismembering, disembowelling, and dissecting the painted bastards until they get the hint. Everything’s fine so long as nobody dies, right? No problem, my teacher’s a Medical Saint who can heal anything short of death.

After gorging ourselves on surf and turf, my family and I bring Ping-Ping on a stroll through the nearest bazaar for a bout of sight-seeing and shopping. While I’m not great at it, I love watching people haggle and bargain. No one pays asking price for an item, not unless they’re socially inept like me or trying to impress someone with their wealth, but everyone has their own bargaining strategy. Alsantset makes the merchant gather everything she might want to buy, then offers a price; if the merchant accepts, fine, if not, then she walks away, leaving a mess for the merchant to clean up. More often than not, the merchant will change his or her mind and accept my sister’s offer, not only because of the hassle of putting everything back, but also because she tends to offers a fair price, just not an incredibly lucrative one.

Li Song has a unique, silent approach to haggling. She’ll pick up a single item and hold it until a price is offered. If it’s not to her liking, she’ll shake her head and wait for a second offer. Then she repeats steps one and two until the price meets her satisfaction or the merchant refuses to go any lower, a long and lengthy process but almost as effective as Alsantset’s, and all without making eye contact or saying a single word.

Then there’s my sweet little wifey, whose girlish charm and heart-melting pouts earn her the best prices from the hawkers and vendors with little to no effort. It’s funny to watch a customer bicker and quarrel with a merchant until it almost comes to blows before deciding on a price, then see that same merchant smile and offer Lin a lower price for the same item. Whether it’s her big brown eyes, her plump, blushing cheeks, or her lovable, toothy smile, there’s something about my sweet wifey that makes it almost impossible to refuse her and she’s quick to take advantage.

Or maybe its because Ping-Ping glares at anyone who yells at Lin. Seriously, my wifey is too charming, she even bewitched a giant turtle into becoming her loyal protector.

Despite the Divine Guardian’s presence, our little party sees more than its fair share of sneers and snubs from merchants with products too good to sell or gaggles of aristocrats and socialites loudly expressing the non-specific disdain in our general direction. Lucky for them, we’re some of the most restrained and non-violent members of our family, content to ignore their insults or let them off with a threatening glare. It’d be a whole different story if Sarnai, Akanai, Baatar, or Mila were here. Those merchants and aristocrats would’ve been left with soiled pants and snot-filled nostrils as they retreated from the wave of scalding Bekhai fury.

Thankfully, our outspoken detractors are outnumbered by the more amicable or silent members of Nan Ping, allowing us to enjoy our shopping spree in relative peace. Personally, I’m more concerned by the atrocious behaviour of my laughing birds, especially Roc. The fat, feathered bastard has upgraded from scavenging beggar to sneak thief, snatching food right out of his unsuspecting victims’ hands. The other laughing birds soon learn to mimic their fearless leader’s actions with great success and I whisper a small prayer of apology for unleashing this plague of flying rats upon Nan Ping.

After witnessing one angry, white-faced noble screaming at his guards to kill the ‘winged vermin’, I clear my throat and raise my voice, hoping to save my poor birdies from the slaughter. “Excuse me! Sorry, but please don’t kill the laughing birds. As er... mischievous as they are, they uh... play a vital role in the Divine Guardian’s well-being.” Ignoring the angry noble’s hateful glare, I lie through my teeth and hope no one questions me on this. “They're uh... hand-trained to dig around her shell and eat all the pests and parasites bothering her. You know... molluscs and.. leeches and whatnot. So uh... yea. Please do not kill the birds. No matter how annoying they might be.”

Pointing at his elaborate yet ruined headdress, the angry noble screeches, “Those creatures assaulted my distinguished self and stole one of my gemstones!”

I can’t apologize or I’d be admitting fault. It kinda is, but that’s beside the point. One gemstone I can handle, but who knows how much damage these damn birds have caused in the short time we’ve been here? “Um... Might I suggest using an umbrella to keep them away? Honestly, everyone should probably use one while they’re around, they’ve stole- err... eaten... a lot of greasy, spiced meat. I’m guessing it won’t sit nicely inside their bellies, which mean... well... yea.”

Having said my piece, I awkwardly ignore the still glaring noble by pretending to be interested in some wares. At least the noble stopped his guards from slaughtering my birds but he won’t leave. Meanwhile, I’m stuck here because Li Song is still silently bargaining with a confused hawker who has yet to realize what he’s dealing with. Exacerbating the situation, Yipi flutters down and lands on my shoulder, swinging a broken silver chain clamped in her beak as if asking, ‘what can I get for this?’.

Amidst the choked laughter of those around me, including the angry noble’s guard, my cheeks burn with shame as I trade Yipi for her shiny. Returning his broken jewellery, I weather the angry noble’s murderous glare and say, “Err... The gemstone’s still attached so it shouldn’t be hard to fix. Sorry.”

Ah fuck me. Sighing, I reach into my coin purse and pray I have a couple gold coins to spare, cursing my apologetic reflexes and the dumbest custom ever invented. Why does apologizing mean I take responsibility? Can’t I just be sorry for his misfortune?

To avoid any more embarrassing exchanges, I rush everyone out of the city as soon as possible and head back to our camp, arriving with hours to spare before dark. Forget going back for dinner, I’ll just hang out here and never go back in unless I have to. Stupid birds. Waiting outside my yurt, Taduk and Guard Leader sit in strained silence at two different tables, sipping tea and exchanging glances from a short distance. Bounding out of Guard Leader’s lap, Mama Bun stands on her hind legs and inspects her babies with Li Song's help while I take a seat next to Taduk and Lin tells him all about our fun-filled afternoon, including long descriptions of everything we ate.

When my wifey’s tale comes to an end, I ask “How’d your underwater search go?”

“Not well my boy, not well.” Pouting in Mama Bun’s general direction, Taduk shakes his head and sighs. “We brought the little buck-toothed idiot out on a skiff but she wanted to go farther than I felt comfortable with. Even the greatest experts are hindered when fighting underwater and my half-witted associate has proven herself unable to adapt to changing circumstances.”

“Says the man who feels most comfortable living in a burrow.” With a pointed sip of her tea, Guard Leader adds, “You always were overly cautious and afraid of change.”

Hmm, maybe that’s why there’s so much sexual tension between them, because my teacher isn’t adventurous enough. Then again, Guard Leader seems like the type to enjoy pegging, in which case I can’t blame Taduk for refusing. I shouldn’t make jokes before hearing the whole story, but I want him to have someone to share his life with. I love him like a father and don't want him to be lonely after Lin marries me. I'd happily invite him to live with us, but considering he once told me he can hear a mosquito fart at twenty paces, it’s better for everyone involved if we lived in separate houses.

If he wasn’t exaggerating, then separate villages might be even better. Mental note: ask Diyako to look into soundproofing. Or learn how to do it myself.

Ignoring Guard Leader’s barb, Taduk empties his tea cup and stands, gesturing for me to follow along. “Anyways, now that you’re here, we can resume our search. Come, come. Bring the rabbit.”

“I’m not sure I understand,” I say, lifting Mama Bun into my arms, who happily rests her chin on my shoulder like a big floofy baby. She's so sweet and lovable now, I can’t wait for all her bunnies to grow up. “Why am I needed?”

“Because Rain my boy,” Taduk says with a grin, pointing at Ping-Ping following behind us. “You come paired with a most formidable aquatic guardian.”

Oh no... No no no no no. “Be reasonable teacher, we don’t even know if there’s actually a Spiritual Plant out there.” Proving me wrong yet again, Mama Bun twists in my embrace to stare intently out to sea, her little nose twitching violently in anticipation. Dumb long-eared rat, I should’ve left you to drown. “Who knows how far out it might be? Is it worth risking our lives for one Spiritual Plant?”

“No need to try and dissuade me, my mind is set.” Looking like a man on a mission, Taduk marches ever southward towards the beach, with a spring in his step and a glint in his eye. “If we don’t claim the Spiritual Plant then that veiled wastrel will, an injustice I cannot abide. Besides,” he added, flashing me his goofy smile, “I’ve never studied a Spiritual Plant which grew underwater. Who knows what mysteries we might uncover? Don’t worry my boy, it’ll be perfectly safe. Probably. We brought rope and everything.”

From bitter experience, I know it’s pointless to argue. It’d be easier to get rid of Ping-Ping than change Taduk’s mind once it’s made. What’s more, after today’s lunch, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested in going for a swim. While I’d like our underwater adventure to go smoothly and without incident, I’d also like to know if kraken tastes better than squid.

They say men die for wealth and birds die for food, but it appears I'm willing to die for either or. Does that make me better, or worse?

Chapter Meme