If I’ve learned one thing from my time with Ping-Ping, it’s that big girls have big poops.

Even then, I gotta say, Luo-Luo certainly surpassed expectations.

Still chuckling as I step out of the tent, I find Lin doubled over in silent laughter while Mila and Song watch on in mild disapproval. To be fair, it might just be Song’s normal look, but for Mila, it’s definitely disapproving. Unlike Lin and Yan, Mila takes a dim view of poop jokes, which is her greatest flaw. More importantly, she puts on a tough front but underneath her frosty exterior, she’s a sweet girl who empathizes with Luo-Luo’s humiliating ordeal. Glaring like this is somehow my fault, Mila asks, “We didn’t think you’d be inside. Where’s the Guardian Turtle?”

“She went out for a swim.” Ping-Ping’s been much less clingy after drinking my bathwater. Either it grossed her out or she’s satisfied with my offering for the time being. We’ll find out after my next bath.

“Never speak about what happened in there,” Mila warns, her eyes promising swift justice should I disobey.

Unable to resist, I reply, “Don’t be jealous. We can poop together too if that’s what you want. I told Luo-Luo it’s not really my thing, but for you... I’ll do anything to make you happy, beloved.”

With a forceful gasp, Lin signals for me to stop before burying her head in my robes, silencing her laughter to save Luo-Luo from further embarrassment. Giving in to Lin’s silent request and Mila’s fearsome, sexy scowl, I pantomime zipping my lips and throw away the key, mostly because I’m worried that if I keep going, my little wifey will pass out from lack of air. In a playful mood, Aurie circles around us twice before popping up on his hind legs in hopes of a boop, and I happily oblige my affectionate runty kitten. Chest rumbling in delight, he flops onto his back and wriggles about in the grass, something he learned from Mafu. That might not be all Aurie’s learned seeing as he’s up and running about while his siblings are all still too bloated to move from last night’s feast. Laying in their wagon, the bears and wildcats doze away while Mama Bun lords over them with Blackjack sitting between her ears. Off to the side, Roc perches on the wagon all by his lonesome with his flock nowhere in sight, his beak tucked beneath his wing in sadness.

Aww, did Roc’s flock abandon him? And did Aurie learn how to digest food faster with Chi? You can purge poisons and alcohol, but speeding up digestion is much more complicated and Chi intensive, else I'd bulk up simply by eating more and stop lying to myself about how I love butter tea. For Aurie to pick it up so easily is rather impressive, which means my runty kitten might not be the runt for much longer.

After hiding for several minutes, Luo-Luo finally emerges from the tent, her face bright red and eyes averted, ready to burst into tears at the slightest provocation. It says something about me when my first instinct is to tease her, but Mila cuts me off with an angry huff punctuated by a pinch on the arm. Swallowing my comment about butt buddies and poop partners, instead I say, “The Conference should be starting soon, so why don’t we go take our seats?”

“Lord Husband, Luo-Luo begs leave to return to her yurt. This one is not feeling well.”

“Ha, after what happened in there, neither am I.” The words slip out before anyone can stop me and even Lin shoots me a look of mild reproach, ruined by her valiant struggle to hold back her laughter. Going with the flow, I continue, “Sorry. Joking. Why don’t we go visit Teacher and see if he has something to help settle your stomach.” Don’t make a poop joke. Don’t make a poop joke. “It’d be a shame to miss the Conference and your insight might prove useful.” Nice. Good Job.

Unsure if it’s because I made a good save or if her stomach is really troubling her that much, but Luo-Luo nods and falls in beside Song, still avoiding eye contact and staying as far from me as possible. Intent on collecting more boops, Aurie bounds over to say hello, but Luo-Luo whimpers and shies away at his approach. Unperturbed, he nuzzles Song and is rewarded with plenty of affection, while cunningly maneuvering his hindquarters towards Luo-Luo in hopes of getting a good butt-scritching. Unfortunately, Luo-Luo is too terrified by his floofy posterior to dare reach out and touch it, highlighting just how incompatible she is with our lifestyle.

Well... my lifestyle, but it’s sink or swim for her now. Poor girl, spurned, scared, and now sickly, it’s hard to see her as some sort of calculating spy after the horrific ordeal we just shared. I doubt she deliberately arranged it to garner my sympathy, but if so, then I admire her dedication to the craft and can only fall victim to whatever dastardly plan she has. I can’t say if it’s better or worse that I didn’t see anything, because now my imagination is free to run wild. I doubt I’ll ever be able to look at her butt-hole without thinking about those gruesome, ghastly noises, which really limits the number of sexual positions we can use, though I’m skipping a few steps and getting ahead of myself. I’m still not entirely sure I like her, but regardless of how I feel, I’m stuck with her, because her waifu bonus is too damn high to pass up on.

Thankfully, I dug that latrine real deep; our relationship wouldn’t survive past noon if I’d been hit by toilet splash-back, Imperial Peerage be damned.

It takes a full minute before Lin finally recovers from her fit of laughter, fanning herself with both hands as we walk. After taking several deep breaths, she grins and latches onto my arm. “Hubby,” she implores, her tone sugary-sweet, “You hafta treat Luo-Luo better ya? You didn’t even help her unpack and left all her things in the palanquin. She’s so pitiful, she spent all night with the roof open and only a light blanket to cover her.”

Ah crap. “Luo-Luo, I am so sorry.” I’ll have to apologize to Rustram too, because he’s going under the bus. “I asked Mister Rustram to see to your needs, but I suppose he forgot. It’s not entirely his fault, Mom asked him to stay for a training session after the banquet.” Which is why I forgot to tell him to take care of Luo-Luo like I’d planned. Curse those adorable quins! “He must have been exhausted by the time he got back to camp, he even missed our morning meeting.”

“Mister Rustram had another training session with Sister-in-Law Sarnai.” Of all people, Song speaks up in Rustram’s defence, but other than offering an excuse for his absence, she has nothing more to add.

Aww, she’s becoming more social. Good for her. “I guess I need to have a chat with Mom about monopolizing my second-in-command. I can’t have him gone at all hours of the day, I need him here running things. Can you imagine what would happen if I put Bulat in charge? The retinue would riot after he cheats them out all their wages in some crooked game or fixed bet.” I’m only half joking, but I don’t have any other choices. Dastan’s management skills are atrocious and it only gets worse from there. The most reasonable candidate would be Neera, a surprisingly organized, no-nonsense sort of woman. What she lacks in book smarts, she makes up for with hard work, formidable personal strength, and a ridiculously intimidating husband.

In fact, it might be worth it to put her in charge of purchases just to see what Ulfsaar does to the first merchant who short-changes his wife...

“You rely too much on Mister Rustram,” Mila interjects, looking lovely as she scowls in the morning light. “Not only must he keep the camp orderly, he also handles the retinue’s expenses, your personal finances, and whatever else you can come up with. It’s no wonder his strength never improves, you leave him no time to train.”

“Mister Rustram has improved.” Song defends Rustram a second time, which I find intriguing. I’ve never heard her defend anyone, not verbally at least. “Not by much,” she adds with a slight shrug, “but he has improved.”

“My mistake.” Mila also notices Song’s out of character behaviour, but like me, she decides to leave it be. “He’s improved, but he would improve more if he had time to focus on his Martial Dao.”

Ugh, there’s that word again. Dao. Boo. Hiss. I don’t understand it, so I hates it.

“Oh I know!” Tugging at my arm, Lin says, “Hubby, you owe Luo-Luo for her dowry, ya? So why don’t you have her handle all the finances and pay her with a half-stake in your business? Then Roo-Roo will have more time to practice and Luo-Luo will have coin to hire maids and buy stuff. You should still give her blankets though, and show her how to close the roof.” Giggling, she adds, “And give her a chamber pot too.”

While my wifey howls with laughter and Luo-Luo tries to will herself invisible, I turn to Song in disbelief. “You couldn’t leave her the chamber pot? Were you worried the one in Mila’s yurt would fill up too fast or what?”

My query earns me another pinch from Mila and a venomous glare from Song. “It’s mine,” the half-cat says, as if that explains it all. “Mama gave it to me.”

Okay, I get Song didn’t have many belongings before we met, but c’mon... A chamber pot? I gave her an emerald-studded jade comb and she uses it to brush bunnies, but the chamber pot is treated like a treasure because ‘Mama’ gave it to her...

Seething with jealousy over a poop receptacle, I give Lin’s nose a gentle tweak and bring the conversation back on track. “You little imp, always volunteering other people for work. This wouldn’t be a problem if you helped Mister Rustram with the finances like I asked you to.”

“But it’s so boring... Besides, Roo-Roo will eventually leave to take over his daddy’s company, ya? So it’s better to let Luo-Luo handle things, so you won’t have to worry.”

It’s not the worst idea I’ve heard... Luo-Luo seems competent enough and she grasped the concept of reading numbers without much help. I could do worse. “Okay, but half is too much. We’ll sit down later, go over the figures, and decide on an appropriate amount together.” Building schools and feeding the masses doesn’t come cheap, but there’s no helping it. Pretty sure I can’t afford to match her dowry outright, nor can I afford to give the soldiers back. Five, maybe ten percent of the business should have her paid in full over five years, and everything afterwards should be gravy. “What’s the going price on three-hundred and sixty members of the Death Corps?”

Did I really just ask for a price check on human lives?

Slowly, but surely, I’m losing what little I had that set me apart from people born in this world. Kinda depressing.

Luo-Luo responds quietly, her voice subdued and bitter. “Thank you Lord Husband, but there is no need to be so calculating. Luo-Luo will accept whatever Lord Husband deems fair and lend whatever humble assistance she can.”

...Fine. I won’t take advantage of her, but fifteen percent, that’s the highest I’ll go. Maybe she’ll accept payment in art, or I could literally become a man whore.

In line with his preference for peace and solitude, Taduk’s yurt is on the outskirts of camp, close to the beach but hidden inside a tall ring of grass. Without reading too much into his penchant for dark and secluded residences, I’m a little concerned he’s too isolated and vulnerable living out here by himself, but there’s nothing I can do. Not only did he refuse to move closer, he kicked up a fuss when I tried to park a few dozen guards nearby, and even more of a fuss when I offered to move closer. I know he’s got awesome cloud-stepping skills, but even the most vigilant warriors can be taken by surprise, and Taduk is far from vigilant.

Case in point, despite hearing him puttering about, he doesn’t answer when we knock on the door, too engrossed in whatever it is he’s doing inside. Without worrying about what her bachelor father might be doing alone in his yurt, Lin swings open the door and skips in. “Hiya Daddy.”

“Hello, my little Lin-Lin.” Pacing back and forth with book in hand, Taduk’s eyes never leave the page as he greets Lin with a hug, stuck in his thinking mode while unravelling the mysteries of the Spiritual Algae-covered rock. The rock in question sits in a bowl of water, which in turn sits on Taduk’s head, resting against the base of his hare ears. Knowing better than to ask why, I greet him cordially and approach for my hug. “Rain, my boy. Good to see you. What prompted this visit? Were we supposed to go somewhere?”

“No, Luo-Luo isn’t feeling well so I figured we’d come get something for her upset stomach and also check on Sir Inks-a-lot.” And him, but he’d pout if I said as much.

Shooting Luo-Luo a suspicious look, he leans in and whispers, “Boy, if she’s already showing signs of pregnancy, then you best have a chat with that Legate fellow. It’s not normal, not after a single night.”

“...No Teacher, we didn’t... and she isn’t nauseous. This is the other type of upset stomach.”

Straightening up, Taduk blurts out, “Oh, diarrhea? Well, Lin-Lin knows where everything is.”

“Yes Daddy. It’s okay Luo-Luo, we’re all family now, ya? Sorry for laughing Luo-Luo, I couldn’t resist. Don’t worry though, your tummy will be fine after I make some tea.”

While my sweet wifey gets to work, I face to the copper tub sitting in the middle of the room. Atop the tub sits an upended table, weighed down with stacks of books and five large rocks to seal the tub and Sir Inky within it. “Can he breathe in there?” I ask, not sure which answer I’d prefer.

Blinking in surprise, Taduk answers, “...I certainly hope so. Come, come, Rain my boy. Help me clear away this mess and check.”

“No, better to leave everything where it is.” Having learned from experience, I instead slide the table ever so slightly and open up a crack opposite the side I’m standing on. Three flailing tentacles shoot out and prove that not only can Sir Inky still breathe, his time in the tub has not improved his mood. After the suctioned appendages recede back into the tub, I cautiously approach and peer in, only to find Sir Inky angrily glaring back. “Hello Sir Inks-a-lot.” My cutesy voice is back in full force, but it doesn’t seem to be working. At least he isn’t trying to attack me for now. “Are you hungry? You want some fishies?” Throwing a piece of dried, smoked fish into the tub, I watch as Sir Inky inspects the offering before tucking in. Literally, because his mouth is at the base of his eight arms. God, octopuses are weird. “Was it yummy? Do you want some more?”

Though still reeling from yesterday’s revelation and subsequent ordeal, I feed Sir Inky another piece of fish and reach deep down into my emotional depths in search of good vibrations. Bunny kisses and wildcat boops, fluffy quin pups and chubby bear cubs, I summon everything I’ve got and use it to fuel my Aura, directing it to waft ever so gently towards Sir Inky. His single, visible eye widens in surprise and, true to form, he reacts violently to my love, his tendrils swinging about in all directions seeking to clobber me for my heinous offence. Wisely backing out of range, I glance at my teacher in helpless frustration. “It’s not working. Each attempt only makes him angrier and I have no idea why.”

“Hmm...” The monosyllabic response isn’t much, but it tells me Taduk isn’t ready to give up, not with self-replicating Spiritual Algae on the line. Standing a respectful distance from the thrashing tentacles, he tilts his head to one side, then the other in an almost hypnotic cadence while studying Sir Inky’s movements in silence. Knowing there’s no dissuading him, I fall back even further to stand with Mila, Song, and Luo-Luo. Intrigued by our actions, Luo-Luo looks much better after drinking Lin’s tea, clutching a silk bag filled with more of the remedy to her impressive chest as if it held priceless jewels instead of ginger, peppermint, and various other herbs.

Noting my gaze, Luo-Luo puffs her chest out ever so slightly and bites her cherry-red lip. I gotta say, it’s nice having someone try to seduce me, even if her motivations are somewhat suspect. Leaning close, her cleavage brushing against my shoulder in an almost innocuous manner as she whispers, “Lord Husband, Luo-Luo is curious. What is happening here? Why does the octopus react so aggressively in your presence? It was fine but a moment ago.”

“It’s... complicated.” And involves things I don’t want her to know, like my Aura manipulation, Blobby, and Spiritual Algae. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, I see.” Drawing away, Luo-Luo falls silent and I go back to watching Taduk think, wondering how long I should stay before leaving. There’s supposed to be a lion dance today and there’s no way I’m going to miss that. I don’t know anything about lion dancing, but it totally sounds like something I’ll love. Who doesn’t want to see adorable dancing animals? I just hope the trainers don’t abuse their poor lions. Maybe I can teach my kitties to dance too. Why stop there? Wildcats, bears, rabbits, quins, I can teach them all the dance, and my laughing birds too...

A quiet sniffle draws me out of my imagination and I turn to find Luo-Luo quietly crying at my side. Oh for fucks sake... Patting her arm, I awkwardly utter, “There, there. Nothing to cry about. Things happen. We’ll laugh about it together someday soon.” Probably. Maybe.

Wiping her tears, Luo-Luo shakes her head and fakes a smile. “This one is sorry for causing a scene and again, begs leave to return to her yurt.”

“Idiot.” Curt and succinct as always, Mila explains, “She’s crying because you don’t trust her.”

Oh. “...Well, yea. Why would I? We just met her yesterday.”

Meekly nodding, Luo-Luo speaks in my defence, forestalling Mila’s scathing reply. “Lord Husband is right to distrust this one, for she was a gift from his Patron. No member of the Imperial Clan does anything without an agenda, much less one with a title formidable as Shen Zhenwu. While this one has no specific advice for dealing with Lord Husband’s Patron, she cautions Lord Husband to think carefully before placing his trust in any Imperial Noble, for once you are within one’s grasp, true freedom will forever be beyond your reach.”

Is this genuine advice, or just a ploy to get into my good graces? Circles within circles, I’m no good at this spy-craft business, but Luo-Luo can read me like a book. Bowing her head, she adds, “Know this: should Lord Husband fall from grace, Luo-Luo falls with him, but the reverse is also true. Thus this one offers counsel in good faith, hoping Lord Husband will Ascend into the Heavens like the dragon he is.”

Quickly checking with Mila and Song through a Sending chain, we agree to divulge some information, but not everything. While what Luo-Luo says makes sense, there’s no need to give away all my secrets on the second day. For both our sakes. Pretty sure she’d go running for the hills if I told her I used to be Defiled and was cleansed by a Tear of the Mother, much less any of the other crazy shenanigans I’ve been up to.

Pointing at Sir Inky, I begin explaining. “See, I have a... Talent, which lets me convey emotions to animals and people.” Sort of true, I guess. “I’m trying to use it to tame the octopus, but it’s not reacting like most animals do.”

Without touching on why we need Sir Inky or how my ‘Talent’ works, Luo-Luo asks a few questions which cut to the heart of the issue before requesting I show her what my Talent feels like. The moment my Loving Aura touches her, she utters a small, sexy gasp before clapping a hand over her mouth, her cheeks flushed and breathing rushed as she looks at me in a new light. Hesitating to speak, her face turns even redder than before, a feat I wasn’t sure was even humanly possible. Instead of speaking out loud, she instead whispers something to Mila, who immediately barks with laughter. Fixing me with a wicked grin, Mila passes the information on to Lin and Taduk through Sending, who both react in similar fashion.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I don’t like it...

Removing the bowl sitting on top of his head, Taduk places it aside and hops into range of Sir Inky’s flailing tentacles. To my great surprise, Sir Inky merely inspects Taduk’s body with a few grasping touches before shoving him aside, apparently only interested in thrashing me. With a goofy, toothy smile, Taduk clasps his hands behind his back and holds his head up with pride, standing beside the angry octopus unharmed and unmolested. “By the Mother, I think she’s right.”

“My turn!” Giggling in delight, Lin runs into the storm of tendrils with identical results. Giggling in delight, Lin pokes Sir Inky’s head through the tiny crack and marvels at his tough, rubbery skin, yet still remains completely ignored. “Your turn Rainy.”

Oh no. I think I figured it out too, only... “Do I have to?”

“Of course. How else will we know, yes?”

“Of course. How else will we know, ya?”

Father and daughter answer in concert, wearing identical delighted grins and knowing exactly what’s about to happen. Resigned to my fate, I brace myself and step into Sir’s Inky’s range. A cold, slimy tentacle grabs hold of my shirt and pulls me close while his other fish-stinking appendages wrap around my head. The powerful suction cups adhere to my skin and I feel the blood rushing to my face as Sir Inky’s tentacles pull in multiple directions at once in an effort to wrench my head off, or more likely, hold me in place while his last, free tentacle flops around my hair and face, probing for... something.

And then, just like that, Sir Inky goes limp and ceases his struggle, though his arms are still stuck to my skin in a painful, adhesive embrace.

God dammit. I should’ve seen this coming.

Freeing myself one painful pop at a time, I hold back my tears while ignoring the hidden smiles and muffled laughter. Shoving Sir Inky back into the tub, I seal it off and vow to kill a thousand, nay, a million octopuses as revenge for this disgrace, plotting my octopus genocide in cold, furious silence. Taduk’s warm Chi heals away the bruises and suction marks to remove all evidence of my struggle, but nothing will ever wash away the shame and humiliation I suffered through.

Turns out, my loving Aura wasn’t making Sir Inks-a-lot angry.

It made him horny.

...

I, Falling Rain, Number one Talent of the Empire, the Undying Savage and Unrivalled Beneath Heaven, was just sexually assaulted by an octopus.

For the second time.

Chapter Meme