WARNING! This author wrote this story for themselves but decided to share it with you all in case there were more weirdos who found it entertaining. Please be kind in the comments.

The humor in this story is similar to the Saturday Night Live, Porn Pizza Delivery sketch and the Alien Abduction sketch (though, the author is not as good as the brilliant writers at SNL). The comedy is also a bit dryer and not as clean. (This author does try to keep things toned down so they can keep this story on Royal Road.)

So, if you don’t find those sketches funny, then you should probably not read this.

This author was also planning on doing a ton of research on Japanese names, and even thought of seeking out a translator for help, but decided to go with mostly English names and place the setting in a country that doesn’t exist.

This serves the purpose of allowing this author to be lazy (since this project was mostly for themselves anyway).... but aside from that, it allows this author to come up with names that are immediately humorous in the English language.

This is a comedy, folks! Don’t take it too seriously.

The big black cylinder slammed into the pale jade-like surface of the Lusandai's mothership. A sharp moan came from the bending burning alloy. It took the undulating blows of the torpedos over and over.

That small porcelain-white ship held a prince of the Lusandai race. One praised for his genetic beauty. His mothership had been on its way to the Gortoall Planet, where it would be his mission to spread his seed to as many as possible in hopes that his offspring would take over that world within several generations.

The biggest blackest ship — responsible for the pounding the Lusandi’s vessel was taking — was a Federation Alliance vessel that held mostly members of the Tov race. They were the only ones genetically incompatible with every species they’d come into contact with. Their mission was to stop the Lusandai from genetically corrupting other planets in their generation-spanning attempt to take over the galaxy.

The Federation believed that the various species of the universe should develop naturally and bring diversity to the galaxy. And they held to that belief to the point of war.

On one small drone-commanding vessel, two Tovs controlled a few squads of drones to attack the Lusandai mothership. One Tov was larger and had spent years in the Federation military. The other was smaller, thinner, and younger. A brand new private right out of training.

They both wore spacesuits in case of hull breaches, which was likely during these types of battles.

“Kai’al Sh Chukrustchim!” the older one named Ju’naiak chastised furiously. “Get your drones under control. We need those to hide us!”

“Yes sir!” Kai’al, did as he was told, tightening the drones that looked similar to their ship around them.

Ju’naiak sent out several squads to attack the weak points on the mothership, along with the squads of other Tov drone command vessel captains.

The main ship had already used its torpedoes to overwhelm the shields, bringing them down so the drones struck the gleaming hull without issue.

That was when they saw a vessel escape from the back of the mothership.

Ju’naiak cursed. “We’re going after it! It has the Prince onboard! We can’t let him escape to infect another species with those damn Lusandai genetics!”

Kai’al frowned. They weren’t supposed to go after just one ship, but Ju’naiak was the leader of their team. He couldn’t say no.

They chased after the flitting vessel.

A voice from their command came through the coms. “Ju’naiak! Return! We’re about to blow their Mothership!”

Kai’al moved a tentacle to do as command ordered but Ju’naiak stilled his limb with a hand. “Keep going. They don’t know about the escaping prince. If they did, they’d order us to go after him.”

If that were the case, then why didn’t Ju’naiak reply? Had he been doing this for too long?

No. Kai’al couldn’t ignore an order from command. Ju’naiak was acting suspiciously. He unbuckled his safety harness and pushed through the weightless environment towards the back of the ship. He had to reach the emergency call back button before Ju’naiak could stop him.

The old Tov let out a string of curses, telling Kai’al’s ten generations of family to go piss themselves and die. He unbuckled his own harness and pushed himself toward Kai’al.

Before he could catch the youngling, the button went dim. On the viewer, the mothership blew up. It didn’t take long for the shockwave to reach where their vessel was chasing the Prince’s ship. It threw both out of Hyperspace and into the orbit of an unknown star.

The two Tovs wrestled with arms and tendrils even as they hit the floor. Then ceiling. Then the floor again as the ship was thrown out of Hyperspace. Spacesuit-covered tentacles flailed, gripped, and were thrown off in a series of moves. The younger had the advantage of speed and strength, but the older knew all the moves. He thought of them before the other and responded accordingly. Ju’naiak threw Kai’al off him then wrapped his appendages around the youngling’s neck. Kai’al’s spacesuit just barely prevented him from choking to death.

Debris from the mothership had arrived with them. Some crushed their physical shield made up of drones. Most pieces moved past without touching their hull but one of the slower small chunks arrived practically on top of them. It cut past their shields into their hull like a bullet.

Ju’naiak heard a sound he’d heard a hundred times before. Since he already had a convenient meat shield in his struggling younger teammate, he smirked and held him towards the sound.

Kai’al had had a bad premonition about this day since he woke up, so when he saw the smirk on Ju’naiak’s bloated face and heard the noise behind him, he did everything in his power to twist his body.

It was a one in a million chance. It shouldn’t have happened. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. But it was as if something in the universe was different... that piece of debris that was supposed to kill Kai’al, flew past him by mere millimeters, piercing Ju’naiak’s chest. The old bastard’s spacesuit had many ways to fix itself in case of a breach. But the hole was too large and it was in the worst place possible. Between the fancy new gap in his chest and the loss of his suit’s atmosphere, Ju’naiak died near instantly.

Now that he was free of his captain’s tentacles, Kai’al did the only thing he could to save himself. He turned on the emergency beacon, then used the android system to patch the breach in the hull. While the android dealt with the hole in his ship, he turned to the computer and had it search for the nearest habitable planet.

There wasn’t a huge chance that he’d find one as they were as rare as diamonds. But there was still a chance. Besides, just having a non-hostile atmosphere could go a long way if he could get the auxiliaries running.

And, to his surprise, there was one in the area. The star’s third major satellite. And to his horror, there were traces that the Lusandai Prince had crash-landed there days ago.

He cursed the odd time dilation of Hyperspace and aimed his ship to land near where he registered the Prince’s location. His commander had chosen the idiotic path of killing the Prince before he infected another species with his genetics. And now Kai'al had to follow through.