You press the button.

Ding!

Oh, an extra happy ding this time.

And why wouldn’t it be? The room is back to smelling like “Hawaiian Breeze”, and there’s a very fluffy kitty in here now!

KITTY!!!

Oh my gosh oh my gosh OHMYGOSH!!!

It’s so fluffy and cute!!!

And it’s staring at you with those blue eyes!

EEEEEEEEEE!!!

You run towards it for snuggles.

It rolls over, purring.

You touch the fur, feeling your fingers sink into the floof.

This must be what heaven feels like.

The cat continues to purr as you give it pets. It licks one of your fingers, attracted to the lingering seafood smell.

So. Hekkin. Cute.

It sits up and licks a paw, moving with the grace and beauty of a ballerina.

You sit down, pulling the cat into your lap. It continues to purr, butting its head against your chin.

You might just die of happiness.

It hopps off, walking around you slowly, making sure to leave as much hair as possible on your clothes.

Before you realize what’s happening, it dashes over and presses down on the button.

Ding.

KITTY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Meh, you’re more of a dog person, really.

That or you’re apathetic towards animals in general.

This one, though, it stares into your soul. Those eyes… They know your secrets.

The thing you did when you were thirteen…

The reason you went to that place when you knew you shouldn’t...

The person you can’t look in the eyes…

The cat knows all.

It walks towards you, tail swaying hypnotically.

Fourth grade. No one believed you. It wasn’t fair…

Seventh birthday. The one thing you didn’t want to happen. It did…

Kindergarten. Everyone looking at you. Laughing. It wasn’t your fault…

The cat knows. The cat understands.

It sits down on the other side of the button, tail slowly and methodically twitching. You hear a sound, a deep rumble that triggers a primal instinct.

The cat is purring. The cat knows your pain. It enjoys your suffering.

It knows that humans will eventually kill themselves out. Eventually the world will freeze, the cities will burn, humanity will descend into chaos, and fade like a puff of smoke. When that happens, a new apex predator will rise. Cats will take their true place as masters of the planet. Dogs will morph back into wolves. Wolves will go hungry as the larger prey vanishes. Only cats will flourish.

You fall to your knees. In the cat’s eyes you can see the end of humanity.

And then, it reaches out a paw and pushes the button.

Ding.

You. Really. Don’t. Like. Cats.

Cats know when someone is allergic to them.

They know.

This one certainly does. It give one of those adorable purr-meows, trotting towards you happily.

It’s so darn fluffy.

You know you can’t cuddle it. Bad things would happen if you cuddle it.

But it rubs against you, weaving around your legs, shedding profusely.

You sneeze.

The sound pleases the cat. It reaches up, purring like a motorboat, digging its claws into your thigh.

This is becoming painful on several levels.

You try to dislodge the cat, only managing to dislodge more fur.

It mrrows again, licking your knee.

You take a few steps back, and it thinks you’re playing! It cheerfully chases you around, somehow shedding more fur than it originally had, while still looking extremely fluffy.

Finally it manages to get between your feet as you take a step, and you fall over. It takes the opportunity to run over and groom your eyebrows.

Breathing is becoming hard.

Just before you feel like you’re about to pass out it stops.

It walks to the button, looks directly at you with a smirk, and presses the button.

Ding.

Hekkin cats…

DO YOU WANT THE CAT TO COME BACK? Yes! NO!!!