You press the button.

Ding.

Oh look! Shoes!

Rows and rows of lovely shoes.

~

You walk over to the wall and look at the shoes.

They look new, never worn. That’s a relief. At least you aren’t being asked to try on shoes from Goodwill or something. Wait, do we know your shoe size? How do we know if any of these shoes will fit?

…Ok. Looks like we do know your shoe size. So yeah, these should fit.

Which shoes do you try on?

The classic. The traditional. The universal. The converse.

Why are these things so universally worn? Why did they become so popular? I’m sure there’s a reason, but I don’t know what it is. All I know is, I have three pairs. Not- not actual Converse, no, those things are way the heck too expensive for me. I have ten-dollar knockoffs from China. They’re just as good.

Ah, good ol cork-soled sandals. Not the most beautiful things in existence, but darn if they aren’t comfortable.

Ah, heels. The things women wear to look taller. Some women claim they are very comfortable.

Those women are wrong. Possibly lying, but absolutely wrong. Heels are not comfortable. I set them in the same category as bras: they exist, women wear them, and I’d rather they fall out of favor by next week so I never have to wear them again.

Here we go, something that admits to being what it is: a fashion statement. Women never wear these because of “comfort”. They wear them because of “sexy”.

I have no great issue with these, mostly because no one has ever asked me to wear any, and so I never have. I am not particularly interested in how I look. Usually when I want to impress someone I wear an Invader Zim hoodie, not heels.

Still, I will admit that seeing a woman walking around in heels that are slightly longer than her foot… is impressive. In order to do that, extreme balance is needed. It takes courage, because the slightest misstep and snap goes your ankle.

I will allow these to exist.

Why exactly are these called “tennis” shoes? Were they originally made for tennis players or something?

I… don’t care for them. They’re too bulky, too padded. Also my feet are a very odd shape, and tennis shoes never fit. Sure there are those hideously ugly ones that are over fifty dollars, they would probably fit. But like I said, I wear ten dollar converse knockoffs. I’m not gonna pay fifty dollars for a shoe.

Ah, crocks.

There seem to be two types of people in this world: those who love crocks, and those who would not be caught dead wearing them.

I belong (unsurprisingly, at this point) to the second group. I had a flatmate once, who only ever wore crocks. She bought some of their “fancy” ones for wearing to work, and claimed they were very comfortable.

Unfortunately, despite being “fancy” they were still very clearly crocks. The plastic dried out and cracked after a year, and she always bought new ones. I’ll never understand why.

Another thing I don’t like. Then again, I don’t particularly like things to be on my feet at all. At home I never wear shoes. At work I usually kick my shoes off as soon as I sit down.

And no, my feet don’t stink. I know this because, long story short, Max lost a bet, and had to smell my feet. Said they didn’t smell.

Anyways! Yeah, I think if I lived where it snowed, I might understand the purpose of these things. But I don’t, so I don’t.

Here we go, ye basic, super cheap, super flimsy, flip flop sandal. These particular ones are black, with grey straps.

I will admit, when not wearing knock-off converse, I wear these. I have worn them to the beach. I have worn them hiking up mountains. I have worn them to work. I wear them a lot.

They are not designed for comfort. They are designed for people who hate wearing shoes. They are also designed for people who hate paying for shoes, since they can be bought in bulk at the Dollar Tree.

I love them.

Ah, nice solid, steel-toed leather work boots.

Why are the colors always either black or that off-yellow? Is there something special about the off-yellow? It isn’t really a “natural” leather color. Was it, like, the brand color of the first company to make steel-toed boots or something?

Ok, sure, here and there you can find a dark brown or a maroon or whatever. But black and off-yellow are the mainstream colors.

Actually, if you have ankle problems, these are the things to buy. They are very sturdy, and last forever. They might not be the most breathable things in the world, but that’s what talcum powder is for.

Or, whatever they use nowadays, since talcum apparently causes pancreas cancer or something.

Another good traditional working shoe. Another shoe I approve of.

They have one job: keep liquids off feet. And they do this very well.

Again, the traditional colors for these are black and yellow. For some reason. White is also common. But at least with these you can buy “cute” ones in purple polka-dot motifs, or hearts, or for kids there are rubber duckies. Actually, for kids the “traditional” colors are red or yellow, although I think green is shoving its way in there as a staple color for kid sized rubber boots.

These boots are not comfortable. Like, at all. But hey, that’s why Payless sells insoles. Besides, it is very unlikely that you’ll be wearing these all the time.

I can’t for the life of me remember if these are a “men” type shoe as well as a “women” type shoe, or not.

Thing is, these are about 50/50 between fashion and practicality.

They are warm, usually waterproof, and long enough to cover most of your leg. In cold climates, they are wonderful. They usually have buckles as well as a zipper, meaning they can snugly fit any foot shape.

However, they’re also kind of a fashion thing. Apparently they look “sexy”, I guess. For women, they usually have a slight heel.

I do own a pair, I will admit, and wear them on very cold days. Under jeans. And an Invader Zim hoodie.

These are slightly less comfortable than flip-flops. I don’t know why they’re so popular. Maybe because they’re basically heels, but sans heel. Not sure.

Shoes for actual ballet. These lovely things have padding in the toes, and there are various different types based on the shape of your toes.

Of course, if you actually use these things, the shape of your toes will end up being “horrible”.

I’ve never worn them, although I did go to ballet lesions for a year. I think where I lived it was required by law for girls or something.

These are surprisingly comfortable.

They are also surprisingly expensive.

Granted, they aren’t exactly the most universal type of boot, but there’s a reason they became so popular. They have a job, and they do them well. I approve of them, even if I’ve never worn a pair.

Here we have a dress shoe designed specifically for “men”. Seeing as I am not a “man”, I have never worn a pair. They don’t look particularly comfortable, if I’m being honest. And again, they have traditional colors. This time they come in black or dark brown.

Why is black always one of the colors? Is it just that black is easy to clean, matches everything, and is in general a good color? Or is it that black reminds humans that they will eventually die, and have to face the endless void of unconsciousness? Eventually everything will die, the universe will fade out, and all that will be left is this singular color. Black. Something deep in your brain knows this, is aware of this. And yet, you take comfort in knowing that, even if eventually all will turn to black, at the moment you have a choice of colors. You choose black to forestall the eventual, eternal darkness. Every day you wear something black, you push off that void of nothingness one more day.

Or something idk.

There are a lot of shoe types in the world. I say there are too many. Choose one, and I’ll do my best to get rid of it forever.

DO YOU PRESS THE BUTTON? Yes No