You push the button.

Ding.

Aha, the pedestal is back. This time, what sits atop it is something truly magnificent.

It is…

A cookie.

Yes, a single, solitary cookie.

BUT! This is no ordinary cookie! For you see, this cookie was baked in the legendary bakery of Mt. Bakery itself, by the hands of the holy patron saint of cookies, St. Honoré.

(Ok, sure, that’s the patron saint of baked goods and pastries, but cookies fall into that category.)

(And yes, there really is a patron saint of pastries.)

Sure, it may look like a chocolate chip cookie, but no! It does not have to be!

For you see, that is simply an illustration! It is but a picture, decently photoshopped by someone who needed a thumbnail for their minecraft server! ...Or perhaps not, since the link has the word “screenshot” in the name, so who knows where it originally came from... If I were to show a picture of the real cookie, I would die of jealousy, being unable to eat said cookie myself.

That picture is for my protection.

I can’t imagine what you must be feeling at the moment, being in the presence of such a miraculous cookie. Go on. Take it. Eat it. It is yours.

You reach out and reverently take the cookie. It feels… exactly as a cookie should. The smell of the cookie invades your nostrils, completely beating out the ever present “Hhwaiian Breeze” smell of the room.

It is a work of wonders.

You nibble at the edge of the cookie, and flavor explodes into your mouth. You feel as if angels are singing, and as if you are eating the food of the gods itself.

And that’s only the first bite! Be careful! Don’t eat it too quickly, or you might die of ecstasy!

You can’t help yourself! You take the gold coin out of your mouth, and shove the entirety of the cookie in!

Nomph.

On the first chew, the universe explodes! Mathematical equations float by your eyes, as you see all.

On the second chew, you realize the trick to immortality. You figure out time travel. You know the secrets of the universe itself.

What more is there? What more could there be???

Telepathy. Telekinesis. Teleportation. All the teles. You see how to do them all. It’s quite simple, really. And the cookie has shown you.

This goes on as you chew more. You gain the knowledge of gods, until you become one yourself.

This is the gift of the cookie.

And then you swallow.

As it travels down your esophagus, all the knowledge fades. You try to hold on to the knowledge, to retain some of what you have learned, but it is of no use. In years to come, you will remember some of it in dreams. It will flicker in your mind as you look up at the sky.

But it is gone to you forever.

You don’t need no stinkin’ cookie!

You don’t even believe in saints!

Ha! Take that, Catholicism!

As good as it might have been, you don’t need it! SO. THERE.

I...

I...

I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I...

You… You could have just left it there… I… I would have eaten it…

What kind of a monster are you, to throw innocent cookies?

You can’t see it, but I am literally crying right now.

Just… Just why…

Nah.

You don’t need a cookie.

It’s probably not all that great, anyways.

One of these days I’m going to get into that room, and I'm gonna eat that cookie…

DO YOU PRESS THE BUTTON? Yes No