《Big Red Button.》Eighth step.
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You step on the button.
Dong.
Aha! The pedestal is back! This time the object on top is not a divine cookie, but a single Rubik’s Cube.
Oh, this should be fun!
Pssh, this is easy! It’s the traditional three by three cube, the kind every kid gets given at some point in their life.
Unlike most of those children, though, when you were given your first Cube, you studied it. You did more than play with it, you figured it out.
Good for you! You are in the less than six percent of the human population that can do that! That’s downright impressive, if you ask me.
You have my respect, dude.
Well, this Cube poses no threat to you. You pick it up and expertly start spinning sides around.
I… am amazed.
You haven’t practiced for a while, so it does take you a couple minutes. But you manage it!
You set it back down on the pedestal, feeling a sense of achievement.
Confetti erupts from beneath the cube, as In the Hall of the Mountain King starts playing.
It would have been Ode to Joy, but that other song is cooler and (more importantly) has a longer title.
Anyways. Confetti. Music. A solved Rubik’s Cube.
All in all you’re feeling pretty good about yourself right now.
You pick up the cube.
You know how these things work, of course. Every human being who was alive after 1981 has owned one. Maybe not a brand name Rubik’s Cube, but at least one of the little ones they put on keychains and give out as party favors.
Basically, it’s a cube, with nine squares on each side, which in theory can be spun around to make all nine squares on a side be the same color.
It sounds simple enough, but it’s estimated that less than six percent of the human population can actually figure out how to solve one of the damn things.
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Well, solve it “properly”, of course. Taking off the stickers and putting them back on in order, or just prying it apart to reassemble with the squares in order is always an option. Personally, I always preferred the “pry it apart” method of solving a Rubik’s Cube.
Anyways. You decide to try solving the Cube the “right” way. You turn it over a couple times, spinning the sides around.
Nope, not working.
Well good for you, I have access to the internet! I can look up a guide!
Ahem.
Step one: Make a daisy.
...What the hell does that mean?
Step two: Make a white cross.
Ok, that sounds a bit more understandable. There’s a side that has white in the middle, so just make the white pieces go around that to make a +. Easy enough, right?
Step three: Solve the first layer by using either of these algorithms: R, U, R’, R, U, R’ or L’, U, L, L’, U, L
……I repeat my earlier question.
Ok, ok, we can figure this out. R probably means right, L means left. That would make sense. I’d be willing to bet that U means up, but what do the apostrophes mean? Why are they there?? What do they signify???
Well, try it out? Find a white corner and spin it either right up and right or left up and left.
Does that help? Not really? Ok, let’s move on.
Step four: Solve the middle layer.
Oooookay, so… make a line around the cube of correct colors? Maybe?
Step five: Create the yellow cross by using this algorithm: F U R U’ R’ F’
...WHAT THE HELL ARE THE F’S FOR?
Are you supposed to pay respect to the Cube at those points??? Are you supposed to curse out the Cube at those points? Honestly, it makes sense for the instructions to add in spaces for profanities.
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Have you given up yet?
Ok then! We keep going!
Step six: Solve the yellow face.
At this point things have gotten so complicated that they’re adding in diagrams. It looks… complicated.
Step seven: Position the corners of the cube.
………
You know what? Here, let me just show you something right quick…
Yeah. I don’t care if you haven’t given up or not, because I’ve given up. Go ahead and spin it all you like, I’ll just be over here, cursing Hungarian architects.
Oh thank goodness, because it only gets more complicated from there.
This cube happens to be one made from colored plastic, so if you want to solve it you’ll have to pry it apart.
You do. Takes a couple minutes, but finally you have a perfectly arranged Rubik’s Cube.
Well done.
You put it back on the pedestal. Nothing happens.
Time to press the button? Yeah, it’s time to press the button.
DO YOU PRESS THE BUTTON? Yes No
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