January 4th, 2014

Andrew snickers the second we all enter the school together. Everyone’s on their phones, laughing, talking, and enjoying themselves like nothing is wrong. Some of them look at us, some of them don’t. “What a bunch of assholes,” Andrew says walking ahead of us, “See you guys at lunch.”

Grace sighs, “Bo’s the real asshole. Who does he think he is telling everyone that you guys made Eli crazy.”

“Grace will you be okay?” I look at her, she’s staring ahead without a care in the world. I know having Elizabeth kill herself in front of Grace has been hard on her, but she stands strong.

“I’ll be fine, nothing I never handled before. See you at lunch, ‘kay Sara?”

“Yeah,” I smile back as I watch the girl who became my little sister enter the mess of a hall.

I think about all the comments under the video after everyone had watched it. Everyone seems to be on Bo’s side and are blaming us for what happened. I get it, we fucked up but it wasn’t entirely on us. We never gave her the gun, we never gave her those thoughts. It doesn’t matter because I can feel the judgmental eyes some of the seniors are giving me. They pierce through my skin, like needles and I know someone is just gonna give me shit about it.

It doesn’t take long as before I can enter my first class I’m stopped by Amanda Myers. She doesn’t say anything, which forces me to say, “What do you want?”

“I don’t want anything, I just wanted you to know that the whole worlds know what you and your little group of drug addicts did. Everyone’s lives would be better if it was you instead of her,” Amanda leaves before I can say anything back.

I sit at the back row of class this time. Amanda’s words play over my head one more time. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know I shouldn’t feel bad about it. I didn’t have control over it and no one could have known. I close my eyes as I think through this but the knot in my chest only gets tighter.

Fuck.

I take a deep breath just like Dr. Fonseca has told me countless of times. I think through things one step of a time. Everything that has happened led me to this and I’m a better person for it.

But still…

“It’s bullshit!” Grace almost yells at the lunch table. We’re back here again, going through another day just to get by. “Those fucking freshmen think it’s funny to call me Brainguts, and it’s just them too.”

Andrew just looks bored and uninterested and none of this really affects Isaac as he never really interacted with Eli. Andrew takes a drink of his energy drink and looks over some of student council putting up posters. “Just tell them I’ll fucking murder them if they try anything on you, okay?”

“Violence doesn’t solve everything, Andrew.”

“It should.”

“Why do you look so bored, don’t you care?” Isaac asks.

Andrew scratches his head and chuckles to himself. He’s always so carefree, it’s one of the things I want to be. “Nah. It’s still all rumors. No one knows what really happened, not even us, so why does it matter?”

I look over to the posters the student council made. ‘Party Hearty’, the annual valentine’s day dance. There wasn’t one last year, but here it is this year like the world moves on. Everything moves on. I thought I did.

The knot gets tighter.

My brother takes a look at me and must have noticed how I’m feeling right now. There’s no way he hasn’t, Andrew is far from being dumb. He doesn’t say anything and continues talking to Grace and Isaac while I stay silent. He probably doesn’t want to put me in the spotlight. That alone takes some weight off.

I start to daydream again.

I smoke a pack through the night with a glass of wine. I stare at the night sky and realize that I fall down. My lips brush against the tip of the grass. I kiss it gently then I get back up. The wind blows gently through my back. It causes my hair to fly cover my face.

She comes from behind and covers my eyes with her hands. She giggles and says, “Guess who?” like we’re five. Her laugh makes my own shine and I turn around to see her. She wears a red and white flannel top. Her hair slicked back, shining bright. This girl has no name, I haven’t ever seen her in my life but that's what makes it so right. She takes a cigarette and lights it right up. She says, “A light in the darkness.”

And I’m like, “Can I get a light?” I pull out a cigarette and she lights a match. She burns through the cigarette and I say “It may get you sick, but I’ll never get sick of it.”

She smiles.

I’m brought back to the real world when Andrew slams on the table. “Hey this isn’t Myspace, you just can’t ask me that Grace.”

“Ask you what?” I ask.

“I asked him if he’s ever been in love.”

“Have you?”

Andrew scoffs. It’s a good question. I’m his twin sister and so far I’m the only one he really loves. I don’t think he has ever talked about his feelings about a girl. “Fuck no, I’m not about that gay shit.”

“Didn’t you talk about that girl you met last summer? What happened to her?” I say remember a day where he described to me a girl who got on his nerves. He said she got under his skin which is something nobody can do easily.

“Fuck that bitch. I’ll never like a girl enough to give a shit about her.”

“That’s sexist,” Grace comments.

“Misogynistic, Grace,” Andrew corrects her.

It’s during my last class where I think about everything again. I tend to overthink things and run them through a loop. I haven’t had an episode in a long time, if I can even call it that. Yet even though it’s been a while, I still know how they start. I get anxious and through that anxiety I start to crumble. Sometimes it can be bad enough to the point where I can’t even get out of bed.

So in order to stop my toy train of thought, I think about never falling in love. I’ve never been in love, just like Andrew. It doesn’t help that I’m gay, it limits my options quite a bit. I get crushes on girls and I know I’m confident enough to act on them but I never met another gay girl in this school. It’s one of the cons of living in a small town.

My only kiss I ever had with another girl was Elizabeth on my freshman year. I think she just wanted to see what it would feel like. I just wanted to know if I liked it or not. She apologized for it later and that’s how we became friends. I knew I was gay then but I hid it for longer than I should have, mostly because of Andrew. He’s always been a homophobe and I was afraid he wouldn’t see me as a sister anymore. Luckily, Andrew always knew and just let me be me. He wasn’t surprised at all when I did finally managed to tell him. Still, that single fear forced me to get a boyfriend just to put up a facade. Now that I’m free from all that, I kind of forgot that it’s something I wanted.

To have someone to care for, like, deeply.

I like watching romantic comedies more than anything. It’s silly but sometimes I replace the guy character with myself because the actresses are all so hot. The stories are cheesy but they have a way of getting to me. After they’re over I feel lonely but it never really has bothered me much. It’s the part of me that knows that I’m still really young that keeps that loneliness at by. The other part of me is just impatient and wants to meet that girl from my daydreams.

I don’t even know why I daydream about smoking cigarettes. I find them to be disgusting.

January 6th, 2014

It doesn’t work.

I wake up not wanting to get out of bed. I don’t want to go outside today. I’m small and selfish like everyone I know. I hope they die because so will I, when I crash from way up there, on the rising sun.

Whenever I felt like this I always had someone to talk to. It was either Virginia or Emily, but Emily wants nothing to do with us anymore. Virginia leaves for work before we’re even all awake and doesn’t come back until late at night. I don’t think Andrew could help and Grace wouldn’t understand. I don’t want to lie here alone.

The room is still dark as the sun hasn’t begun to rise. I can hear Andrew’s music from his room and Grace’s bedroom light shines through the small opening of my door. This is where I should be doing the same; getting ready for school. I just can’t find the energy to do so. It’s almost like I’m underwater again and unable to drown but still unable to breathe. It’s limbo.

It’s awful. I thought I had conquered this feeling. It just shows how weak I am in the end. I spent all this time trying to escape the past only to be brought back in.

As I try to fall back asleep I can only remember all the bad parts. I start to daydream being back in my old house getting ready for school. I would stare at myself naked on the bathroom mirror pondering Elizabeth made the right choice. I would do this before and after school. Andrew would never be home and so that just left me alone with our drunken father. His voice echoes through my mind as I hear him yelling my name.

And then…

And then…

I ran away from it all. I remember that. Dr. Fonseca has tried for a long time to get me to remember what I did when I ran away. But here I am, daydreaming about everything that I endured just to here where I’m finally safe.

-

In the end I decide to go to school although I do miss my first class. I go through it by autopilot; I’m not really there. Then again, that's how I am usually. I only really pay attention when I sit with my friends at lunch. I don’t turn off autopilot for today however. The only thing I catch is Grace wanting to go to her friends party tonight.

Virginia, any other day wouldn’t let her. Yet today she says yes. “Go with Sara and Andrew and don’t drink too much.”

Andrew is the most surprised out of all. “Wait really?”

“Look, I was a kid too once, I get it. Andrew, if you so much get in trouble or come home drunk I swear!”

Andrew laughs, “I can’t promise that, Virginia.”

“Sara is gonna watch over the both of you, don’t break my trust.”

“Okay,” I say.

The topic changes as we all continue with our dinner. Grace is the first one to excuse herself to get ready. I drift off wondering if I’m in some sort of movie. I don’t think real families all have a set time have diner, yet here I am. This is how it’s been every night since I lived here. Andrew is the second to go which leaves me alone with my adoptive mother.. “You won’t drink, will you?” she asks.

“No, I can’t anyways ‘cause of the pills.”

“You okay? You seem down lately.”

“I’m fine, just a headache,” I lie as I finish the last of the lasagna she made for the day. I get up and take my plate as well as Grace’s and Andrew’s over to the dishwasher.

Virginia stops me halfway through, “It’s okay, I got it for tonight. Get ready for tonight, you kids deserve a night out.”

“Why today? You know how Darkwood gets.”

“Which is why I want you to watch over those two.”

Virginia lets me use the car for the night under the condition I don’t drink. It’s a reasonable one, but I fully expect Andrew to not listen to her. It’s just isn’t possible not to get drunk in one of Darkwood’s now infamous parties. The atmosphere is what gets you, you just have to drink.

I remember a time where it didn’t matter what the day was, someone somewhere always had a party going on. There were weeks where we would go to one every days. That changed when Ellie died but it only really lasted for a couple of months. It’s been months since I’ve been to one. I know Andrew sneaks out and goes to a few from time to time. Grace seems to join him sometimes. Their rebellious nature is what makes the two click while I sometimes feel like the distance between me and Grace gets wider.

The party is at one of the rich kid’s houses near the edge of town. It’s been ages since I’ve been to this side of town. Andrew gets out and claps his hands, “Alright girls, let’s fuck this place up.” Hearing those words put a knot inside me, making me anxious. It’ll be boring if I don’t drink as I’ll just feel like a mom watching over Grace. The thought hasn’t really occurred to me until now that I don’t really want to be here.

“Don’t start a fight, Andrew,” Grace warns him as we all walk up to the house. The music is loud but not enough to disturb the neighbors even though their house is like a mile away. I’m exaggerating but I expected it to be a rager like every other I’ve been to. Instead it’s just people from school all playing party games and not doing anything crazy. I only greet the people I recognize and like.

I actually stand by a wall watching everyone else like a loser. Only someone who’s a virgin to these parties do this, but I’m not drinking so what choice do I have? Andrew clearly notices and walks over to me with two drinks in his hands. “What? It’s just one, you’ll be fine in a hour,” he says after he see’s the look I give him. “Don’t be a bitch.”

“You know I can’t drink even if I wanted to.”

Andrew scoffs, “It’s not gonna fucking kill you, it’s literally one beer.”

“Fine,” I sigh, taking the drink from his hand. It’s a Blue Moon from its taste. It’s nowhere near my favorite, but it’ll do.

As I take another drink one of my classmate’s comes up to me. “You seriously showed your face after what you did?” Andrew’s with me, he’ll handle it. But after he doesn’t respond, I look over to him who’s not even paying attention. He’s too busy talking to some girl. “Go home, no one wants you here.”

“Fuck off,” I know I can come back with something better but I’ll rather not start a scene. I really just want to get this night over with so I don’t half to do anything tomorrow or Sunday.

“It should’ve been you that killed herself.”

Those words piss me off enough to be placed underwater again. I let him get to me which is the last thing I wanted. I finish my drink as I go to the kitchen where there’s more. I find Grace is already a bit drunk with her friends. She’s the leader of their group, something that could never imagine when I first met her. It makes me happy watching her have so many friends. She used to be a sheltered girl that didn’t know much, now look at her. I take another drink.

Then another.

The world's starts to spin real fast. It’s not like I care anyways. Andrew will drive us, he’s real good at that. I find myself sitting down against the wall giggling to myself for no reason. Perhaps it’s the idea that I disobeyed Virginia for the first time in forever. Still, the world will keep spinning despite that fact.

“You seem to be having a good time,” a girl sits next to me. She’s pretty, like really pretty. Or I could be drunk and I can’t see real well. Yeah, I’m drunk, I can’t see her real well so I’ll imagine she’s pretty. “What are you doing here? I don’t see you in these things anymore.”

“Does it matter?” I laugh, also stuttering I’m sure.

She laughs, it feels good. “I guess not. I’m glad you came, Sara.”

“Uh, do I know you?”

I think the girl frowns, I’m not to sure. “It doesn’t matter,” she says. “It’s all bullshit anyways. That’s what Ellie said, didn’t she? She’s right. We’re all bullshitting each other,”

“It wasn’t my fault.”

“I know. I’m not blaming anyone.”

“What are you doing here?”

The girl giggles. “I don’t even know. I just wanted to escape. Doesn’t work out that well, does it?” I look over to what she’s wearing. It’s all white and I have to rub my eyes to figure out it’s a dress. I have to rub my eyes again because no one in the right mind would wear a white dress to a house party. I’m delusional, she’s just wearing jeans with a black sweatshirt.

I find myself even more drunk with more drinks in my hand. I don’t remember what happened after sitting down on the floor. I’m watching Andrew and some of the guys playing beer pong. Then like a cut from a movie I’m in the bathroom throwing up with Gracie watching over me.

I’m outside. “You’re really pretty, y’know,” I feel the hot words come out of my mouth.

“Am I?”

She’s leading me upstairs and into a bedroom. I push her towards the bed and take off my top.I go down on her and take hers off and unbuckled her jeans.

This.

For a second I get a logical thought and think, is this really happening? My first time…

I feel her lips. They suck me in. I want to enjoy the moment, but the movie keeps cutting and jumping forward. I get bits and pieces, like the warmth and the touch. It’s damn intoxicating but the movie won’t stop jumping forward.

I get another logical thought when it’s all over and the blurry girl is dressing herself. “I had fun, thanks. I needed that,” she says before leaving.

What’s your name?

She’s the same blurry girl from before. I want to see her again but I wake up in Andrew’s arms. He lays me down on my own bed. “Uh, what happened?”

He chuckles, “You drank too much, go to sleep.”

“Where’s Grace?!”

“In her room, she’s fine, nothing happened.”

“Did I do anything stupid?”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Go to bed. I left some water for you.”

The girl, she wasn’t a dream was it? Everything felt real for the brief experience I got. It couldn’t be a dream. She had black hair with a black sweatshirt and blue jeans. She had converses on, but I don’t remember her face. I never had a one night stand but I don’t want it to be.