February 13th, 2014

Freyja sits at our lunch table for the ninth day in a row. She still dressed like a bum but at least she gets her hair down every once in a while. Fey still rarely talks but she listens to everything we talk about and occasionally laughs at our jokes. Inviting her to our house was the right thing to do. I do miss her talking a lot but I guess that was her only being drunk.

Today Freyja stares off into the distance while Andrew and I argue for argument sake. Everyone has now started to forget about Bo’s video or they just don’t care. The only one who hasn't let it go is Amanda. I often see her confront Fey in the hallways but I’m never able to step in because it never lasts long. The only time I ever did have the chance to interfere, my brother did it for me. It was just this past Monday where Amanda came to our table to scoff at all of us with her groupies. “Ew, you’re still with these losers? I thought you were better than that. You’re such a traitor,” she said.

“Hey at least she isn’t insecure enough to waste her time making fun of others to make herself feel better about that fucked up nose you have there,” Andrew retaliated. It caused Amanda to subconsciously check her nose which I thought was pretty funny. This at least showed Fey that Andrew cares about her too. At least I hope.

I look at Fey when she’s too out of it to notice. The night I slept next to her was one of the most peaceful. It took a while but holding her hand and hearing her breathe was one of the most soothing things I’ve ever felt. I woke up the following day with more energy than I had in a long time. My heart was pounding when I woke up with Freyja head sleeping on my chest. She had been holding me the entire night I guess.

I don’t remember what I dreamt about. I know that there was darkness all around me and I couldn’t see around me. I looked around and there was nothing until I found this flicker of light like a lighter. That’s all I can remember.

Right now I daydream I pull out another cigarette. I take my leave outside the room and light it right up. I smoke two packs through the night and maybe even take a sip of wine. The ashes burn slow and bright until there nothing left. Freyja comes out and says, “Do you have a light?” I nod and give her a cigarette.

Fey leans out to the balcony and takes a drag. I imagine we’re outside of all ballroom just wanting to get away from it all. We’re all in dresses as fancy as they can be. The smoke from the cigarettes wrap around us and forms a cloud to take us up above.

I think about the moment when Freyja woke up. She groans and begged for someone to kill her as she had this killer headache. I helped her drink the water I laid out hours before and she thanked me for looking out for her. I didn’t bother to ask her about our conversation hours prior, I figured she had forgotten it.

I walked her home shortly after that. We didn’t say a word to each other until we were at her doorstep. “Thanks. I’ll see you at school,” she said.

Freyja smiles as Andrew starts to get mad because he’s too stubborn to accept that he’s wrong. She doesn't even look at us when she does. Her smile is warming to look at. It’s better than the constant nonexistence glare she always had.

For once, I’m stopped by her after school. She talks to me through my locker like a scene from every teen tv show ever. “Do you want to come to my house?” she asks.

“Okay,” I don’t hesitate.

I walk behind her as we don’t say anything again. She walks much faster than usual like she’s in a hurry. I try to keep up but I’m not good at being fast. Freyja house is decorated with religion. There’s a Jesus this, bible that, and proverbs everywhere. She wasn’t kidding when she was raised like this. Although, she threw a party here once and there was none of this back then. “This wasn’t here last time I was here, last year.”

“My brother hid it all so we would seem normal,” Fey explains as she takes me upstairs to her room. “He’s trying really hard to be popular so he doesn’t let anyone know he’s all of God and all.”

“So he’s lying too?”

Fey nods, “I told him that’s a sin too, but he’s not as religious as the rest of us.”

“But you aren’t either anymore.”

“I’m not allowed to be,” Fey says entering her room. It’s decorated with a few posters but it’s mostly bland. It’s a nice sky blue with white furniture and is much cleaner than my room. Come to think of it, I’m not sure why I’m here. I blindly followed her here.

“I don’t think God cares if you like girls or not.”

“But he does!” Fey unexpectedly raises her voice. “Sorry. I don’t expect you to understand. It’s okay though. I renounced my faith a while ago. Might as well.” Fey sits down on her desk chair and I have no idea what to do. I figure sitting on her bed is better than standing. “But I talked to your brother earlier today.”

“Oh, did he try to hit on you again? I’m sorry.”

Fay shakes her head, “No, nothing like that,” she laughs. “He actually apologized for doing it that night.” Andrew doesn’t apologize, so I hope she’s lying. “No, I uh, asked him what should do about it.”

“You told Andrew?”

“I feel like I can trust him like I trust you.” Oh. So she does remember. “Do you know what he said?”

“Called you a pussy and told you to do what you want?”

Fey laughs, “Yeah, pretty much. I guess you would know him that well.” She’s playing around with her fingers. Fey’s nervous. “I told him a lot of things, But I don’t think I can wait.”

“What do you mean?”

Fey tucks her lips under her teeth and feels her heartbeat getting stronger. This time the connection I have with her is stronger. It’s the same one that allows me to know how’s she feeling and I haven’t been able to explain it. Fey stands up and walks over to one of her posters next to her door. I haven’t seen this one. It’s of Emmah Melody Ryan. “So I have two tickets to her concert next month.”

“Wait what?!” Emmah is the most popular artist in the world. Trying to get a ticket for her concert in nearly impossible unless you’re stupid rich. They always go on sale a year before and sell out in minutes. I’ve been a dream to go someday. “How?!”

“Believe it or not, she came inside my parent’s church one afternoon looking for guidance. My mom mentioned how big of a fan I was so she gave her four tickets for all of us to go. My mom and dad don’t do concerts so they donated theirs. Alex isn’t a fan and doesn’t want to go.”

“Oh my god!” Is she asking me to go with her? This is amazing? This is a big deal. Those tickets are worth thousands. Emmah isn’t just an artist, she’s considered the greatest musician of our generation and people say they won’t be another one of a few hundred years. She’s the Mozart of the modern world. Everything she makes public is a masterpiece that very few people don’t enjoy. There are rumors that there are hundreds if not thousands of completed classical pieces that she refuses to release. The best part is that the only way to ever see is at a live concert as she never shows her face to the public.

I’m going way off topic by fangirling.

“Do you want to go with me?”

“Yes!” I don’t think about it and get up to hug her. Fey hugs back for like a second and then drops her arms.

I let go and she says, “That’s not the only thing we talked about.”

“What else?”

I notice our faces are just a foot apart. “He told me that you like girls too,” and bam! She has both of my hands on hers as she quickly pecks me on the lips. She opens her eyes and she’s all red, it's adorable but she doesn’t let go. I should kiss her back, but I hold back. Fey looks at me looking for me to do something or say something. When I do she feel her pull her hands away but stops herself, she’s made up her mind. This time I allow myself to close my eyes as her lips connect with mine. It's a peck, then she grabs my upper lip, then I grab her bottom lip, then her top, then I pull her close and then my heart starts to melt. It doesn’t last longer than three seconds until Fey pulls herself back. I take my time to open my eyes because my heart is still recovering. It’s unlike anything I have ever felt and I can’t describe it yet. Fey is completely red and lets go of my hands as she turns away to cover her face. “I’m so sorry!”

I’m stunned, really.

I let her decide what to do next because right now this is her story. This is Fey fingering herself out as I did a few years ago. Fey turns around a few seconds later finally calmed down. “It wasn’t my place, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” I giggle.

“No. It’s not right. I took advantage and I didn’t even ask if I could. I’ve sinned again.”

“Fey, did you like it?” because that’s all that matters. It doesn't matter if she thinks she went against God or shit, she needs to figure this out. It’s not until she’s comfortable with who she is that she can move on.

Fey stays silence for a while and looks away, “Yeah, I liked it. I really liked it. I’m a monster.”

“Am I monster for liking it too? Is that what you’re saying?”

“What? No! I didn’t mean it like-no, it’s just,” Fey stumbles over her words unable to find a proper response. “I’m not supposed to be gay. I'm supposed to take over the church and stay a virgin until marriage. I can’t do any of that.”

“Because you like girls? It’s 2014, nobody will care!”

“You don’t understand! You won’t ever understand because my parents didn't raise you!”

I made some poor choice of words. I’ve been told that being shown is better than being told, I think that applies here. I take a step in and forcefully kiss her back. “Isn’t this why I’m here right now? Isn’t this why you’re opening up to me? You like me, Fey.”

Freyja doesn’t respond. She’s lost, I feel it. She wants to explore these new feelings she has but she’s too afraid to do so. There’s a war inside her right now. Fey has never felt this way before. “Do you like me?”

“More than I want to.”

Fey takes a step back to give herself space. I want to know what she’s thinking and the connection I have with her is straining. It’s her body language. I can read her body language, that’s how I know. “Is that why you even started to talk to me? So I can be one of your little conquests?”

“No. I didn’t want to see you go down a path of self-destruction. I still want that. I just think you’re really pretty and whatever I feel has been slowly growing the more I get to know you.”

“You’re lying, I’m not pretty,” she says weakly going over to her bed and laying on it.

“No. You are, you’re just trying to hide it. You’re a gentle soul with a very kind heart. You’re not selfish and you want others to be happy before you are.”

“You don’t know a thing about me.”

Freyja is trying to block me out again. It’s a lot easier to see through her defenses now since the last time she tried doing this. “So am I just wasting my time? Because if I am, you’re wasting your time too.”

“I don’t want to have these feelings for you. I don’t even know why I have them. I want them to go away,” Freyja is talking to wall more than she is to me, but that’s okay. I would do that same thing. “I don’t want anything to happen between us. I just want to be friends.”

“That’s okay, Fey. We don’t have to do anything.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“Of course. I wanted to be your friend in the first place.”

Fey turns around to face me again. “I’m a blue flower.”

Blue flower. That’s what Elizabeth kept saying. She was called a blue flower. Elizabeth said it’s more like morning glory. I think I get what she meant now. I wonder if Freyja does. “More like Morning Glory.”

Freyja eyes widen but does not say anything in response. She understands, and I think I sorta understand what it means to Fey. Yeah, she’s sad, but it’s more complex than that. She’s a complex of emotions and struggles. There are dozen of sides pulling her apart, all trying to take over. Yeah, she’s still mourning, but she was in love and doesn’t know how to deal with that especially since it’s against her beliefs. I think this is what she means when she says that. The funny thing is, Cody is the first one to say that Elizabeth to mess with her head because he manipulates people like that. I bet it had no real meaning when he said it and ironically it has a great meaning now.

Fey is back into that darkness. “Do you still want to go to the dance tomorrow? As friends?”

“Okay,” she doesn’t smile. “I’ll come over to your house when I’m ready.”

“Cool. I’m sorry about today. Let's put it behind us, okay?”

“Okay?”

As I’m walking home I notice the sky is much darker than when I left school. It looks like it’s about to rain but I don’t feel the humidity in the air. The sky seems to get darker little by little as I walk towards the direction of my house and eventually I smell the burning wood. It’s sweet and pleasant. There’s another forest fire on the hills again.

Sometimes I feel like my entire life is a forest fire.

Police sirens slowly get louder and louder towards my direction which is rare in this quiet town where nothing ever happens. Eventually, it blasts my ears as a cruiser flies by me, pushing me a bit back by the wind it generates. As it speeds away I notice a flower is got in its way and is now floating down in front of me. I catch it and I don’t know if its coincidence, irony, or fate.