October 3rd, 2014

I set myself to get ready to play on the stage of Storyville and sit on the chair Cody gave me. There crowd here is much bigger than I thought although it seems to be the same amount of people as last time. I think being up in the stage is what makes the difference. The one thing I notice is that Grace isn’t here. We still haven’t been talking much.

Cody takes his stance and makes sure everything is in working order. We’re about to start and I’m much more nervous than I thought I would be. Before this he told me, “Don’t fuck this up, this night is the most important night in my life,” but he still hasn’t told me why.

Cody introduces himself, makes a joke that makes the audience laugh and says the title of his song. “Inertia.” Cody gave me a set of specific songs that he’s gonna play today and I had to learn them all. I only really had a day’s practice with the bad so I really do hope I’m not terrible. I have to start this one, so I do.

I start slow then pick up to pace to match the drums. After ten seconds it’s time for Cody. Practice and live are two completely different beasts. I don’t look at the crowd as I try my hardest to concentrate on my task fearing I’m going to mess up at any moment. I can feel the sweat on my back starting to soak up my shirt. This isn’t good, I’m going to mess up. I close my eyes and hope for the best.

The song ends. I open my eyes and realize I made it through. I look at Cody who gives me a quick glance and smiles. There are five seconds I have for myself before the next song starts. Even though I didn’t mess up, I couldn’t pour my heart out.

The next song starts. I’m not required as much here so it’s a lot easier for me. This is where I can shine. I’m able to play my heart and I hear it. It’s the slow chords that leave the instrument and escape to the audience. I feel the memories, the time and experiences escaping. Although the song is about the Space Needle, I turn it into my own or at least I think I do. I don’t know if my words are reaching out to people but I’m able to hear them. That’s all that matters.

I’m able to carry on just fine towards the third song. It’s the fourth one that I’m afraid of. Cody decided it would be best to strip away the beat and leave it entirely up to me. It’s essentially a spotlight for me and I’m not sure if I can handle it. The song is about darkness. I’m sure Cody made it international.

It’s much harder than anything I have ever played. It’s also the longest one I had to learn. It’s about six minutes long. This one is the one I’m most nervous about. I’ve practiced it all night yesterday but I’m barely able to hold it together. Still, I’m forced to start.

I start off okay but I struggle with my fingers. It sounds alright but it could be much better like how I played it last night. Cody taps my foot on mine and I’m forced to look at him. He just nods and starts his words. I close my eyes and concentrate on playing. A minute passes and I get more comfortable and I can hear myself a lot better. Another minute passes and I wish people can hear my words. This is my best chance to reach out to them, to reach out to her but I’m blowing it.

It’s in the middle of the song and I get frustrated that I’m unable to play my best. I want to quit but Cody taps my foot again. It refocuses me. He needs me, he needs this to be the best it can be. I take a deep breath and relax.

The shadows start to leak out of my body like blood. The darkness escapes like a mist and my words are finally being heard. This time I know they can hear it and I don’t need to close my eyes anymore. I look at the crowd one more time.

As I play the vibrations form into flowers. I can’t really tell what kind but I imagine morning glories. Yeah, now that I decided I can see that they’re morning glories and the stage is filled with them. Cody says they don’t have a meaning, but they’re just like my cigarettes. They’re my tall grass, my forest fires. Even if it was just all bullshit, it doesn’t mean it has to be that for me. It wasn’t for Elizabeth, it wasn’t for Freyja and it isn’t for me either.

The last minute is where I truly am able to sing. I grow wings and everyone watches as I’m truly able to reach the light. Yet even up in this light, there is still darkness. This is fine now. It’s okay. I explore this darkness and see everything in it. I walk through it and see my father, my mother, and Lyle. I see myself and my brother. I see Freyja.

There’s a void here, a void I haven’t been able to fill just yet.

It speaks to me, it tells me to keep pushing through. I keep walking and see more. All those terrible memories start to come and they startle me. I don’t want them, but I need them. I push on through and continue on.

The void gets bigger. It’s the shape of an empty dark crystal. As soon as I touch it, the song ends and I’m pulled back through reality.

I sigh and look at the crowd. They all clap even though they haven’t yet. Cody smiles at me. Through this, I’m able to play everything after just fine and well.

The set is over and everyone claps. I get up from my seat and set my guitar down. I sweated so much more than I felt. Cody congratulates me and hugs me. “Follow me,” he says walking off into the back.

“What are we doing here?” I ask as we wait in the kitchen.

“That’s another great act, Cody,” one of the staffs says to him.

“I told you tonight is important,” Cody tells me.

The doors open and she walks in. It’s Emmah Melody Ryan. She’s here. Her eyes fixate towards me as soon as she notices me and even stops walking. “Sara?!”

Even Cody gets startled.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing,” She smiles and runs up to hug me. Holy shit I’m getting hugged by her. This isn’t fucking real. Emmah lets go, “I never thought I would see you again.” She notices that I’m still wearing the necklace she gave me and smiles.

“You two know each other?” Cody asks.

“You know her?!” I say much louder than I intended. Seriously, how dare Cody act like it’s a big deal.

Cody just darts his eyes at Emmah then back at me and just kind of just shrugs. Emmah laughs at this. “For a couple of months now, yeah,” Cody smirks.

“I didn’t really think it was you up in stage. It’s so great that you were,” Emmah says to me.

She was watching. Wait she was watching. I just freeze.

“Uh,” Emmah giggles, “Glad things haven’t changed. Where’s Freyja?”

She remembers our names. We’re just insignificant fans but she bothered to remember our names. I’m freaking out, internally of course but I wouldn’t mind if I freaked out right now. “She isn’t my friend anymore,” I answer.

“Aw, I really like you two together. Sara, whatever happened I’m sure you two could still be friends.”

Yeah. I wish.

Emmah turns her attention to Cody. “Cody, sorry I’m geeking out that you had Sara play with you today. I didn’t know you were her friend. What a wonderfully small world.”

Cody chuckles, “I didn’t expect it either. So what did you think?”

Emmah nods, “You got yourself a deal!”

Cody gasps in excitement. I have never seen him so happy before. His eyes literally shine. I can almost feel him bounce. “Fuck yeah…” he whispers.

Emmah giggles, “You sure are happy.”

“Wait what’s going on?” I have a vague idea but I want to hear it from them. There’s no way Cody is this lucky.

“I’ll contact you again soon, Cody,” Emmah giggles, “It was nice seeing you again, Sara. I hope I get to see you many more times, hopefully with Freyja.” Emmah takes her leave.

“Wait, I don’t have you numb-” Cody tries to stop her but fails. He sighs and turns to me, “How do you know her?”

“I met her at her concert. What the fuck, how do you know her?”

“She comes here a lot.”

“Was that a record deal?”

Cody nods like a kid, “Ye,” he grins, “I don’t know the details but she wants to produce songs for me.”

“Cody, that’s amazing!”

He rubs his head and leaves the kitchen. I follow him outside where I find his friend already packed up in a van. “Hey Cody, what happened? Did you get the deal?”

“Yeah!” He smiles.

“Fuck yeah!” they all celebrate. “Let’s all get some dinner, yeah?”

“Sara, you want to come?”

I shake my head, “I’m gonna head home.”

Cody turns to me, “Are you sure? You’re part of the team now.”

“Yeah,” I kick the floor, “I have some thinking to do. Do you have my guitar.”

I’m given my guitar back and I order an Uber back home.

All of this I come to find out happened within five minutes. It’s absolutely crazy. It’s a weird road of fate that I walk on. I want to accept that fate exists but how can I when I don’t know where it will lead me. If this is fate, it has a funny way of working.

I cancel the uber and start walking instead. I don’t know even where I want to go but I just walk. The fourth song, “Nostalgia,” it plays over and over in my head. I was walking through this darkness that I barely had a glimpse of. Now that I’m alone and the song plays again I’m able to go back and see it again. It’s still and I’m unable to move but it’s all there. The void is there. Everyone is there but only Andrew and Freyja are the only ones who don’t have a face. They’re the void. I need to find them.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find Andrew.

A few hours later I find myself in front of Freyja church. I stare at it without much thought. It’s the largest church in the town and maybe even the largest building. I don’t know how it works but I imagine her parents must be rich to have this. It’s like one of the medieval cathedrals so I start to question if this really a modern building. It looks old. It shouldn’t be this old, the town was built in the 70’s.

Inside it’s even more amazing. Its lit up mostly by candles like I’m in some sort of movies. The church’s windows are decorated with all the different saints. My eyes move towards the altar. There isn’t much on it besides the red sheets over it and a black book that I assume is The Bible. The lectern looks pretty standard and my eyes move towards the cross. Jesus Christ’s eyes never seem to move away from me as I walk forward no matter how slow I move. His crucifixion is oddly beautiful. There’s the organ nearby it. It’s plain wood and I bet it sounds beautiful. The church doesn’t feel dynamic. It’s quiet but there are few people here who are praying. I take a seat near the front and stare at the cross.

I wonder what Freyja see’s in all this. I wonder what would I be if my parents raised me to be religious. I would have met Freyja in Sunday School and would have become best friends at an early age. The religion would make me hate myself for being gay and I would hide it for that reason and not my brother. Our lives would have been so much more different if anything else would have happened. Maybe that scenario wouldn’t be so bad, to have a secret love towards Freyja.

I never really prayed before. All I really know is what I’ve seen in media. I get down on my knees and close my eyes. There isn’t anything I really want to pray about. Freyja comes to mind but I don’t it would be appropriate to be selfish like that. I don’t think that’s how religion works. Instead, I just wish for my brother to be safe.

“You know you can use a kneeler to pray so you don’t ruin your nice,” a man says next to me. I open my eyes and see it’s the pastor. He gets down on his knees and brings down a little lever that opens up a row of a cushion that I can use for my knees.

“Oh, I didn’t know that. Thank you.” I say getting up and sitting down.

“I don’t see many new faces these days. What bring you in?”

I smile at him. This pastor doesn’t have any hair and looks sick. His eyes are exactly like Freyja and he shares the same warmth she has. This is her father. This is the man who drove us away. He seems so kind. “I don’t know,” I answer.

“Are you another lost soul searching for the Lord?”

“I don’t know.”

The pastor, Freyja father, sits down next to me. “No wonder you came to this place. In this day and age most people avoid churches. A lot of people in this town are losing their faith. You never had it to begin with, it’s why you’re here.”

“How do you know that?” I wonder if he knows who I am.

“I don’t mean to be rude but I have a feeling for these things.”

“How is that rude?”

“I didn’t want to offend.”

“Oh. Is it because of how I’m dressing?” I look down to my clothes. I’m wearing all black with black boots. I’m so antichrist right now that I have no business being here.

Freyja’s dad shakes his head, “I do not judge.”

“You just did,” I giggle.

He laughs too, “I guess I did. But what is troubling you?”

“There’s a void. It’s deep inside and I don’t know how to fix it. Or at least it’s something that can’t be fixed and I’m just trying to find a way to live with it.”

“And you’re here to see if you can find it here?”

“I think. I don’t know,” I laugh nervously. “I feel oddly connected to this place,” because of Freyja, “I just thought something would happen if I came here, like magic.”

“And it didn’t?”

“No. I don’t think so.

“It often doesn’t. People come here looking for answers and sometimes they get them right away, sometimes it can take months. This is a place of reflection so I don’t mind if they come just to pray.”

“I see,” I look down into my hands.

He sighs, “Y’know, I was filled with hate for a long time. I thought that my point of view was the best but I was being selfish. Being in the hands of death can really humble of a person.”

“Excuse me?”

“I was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few months ago. I blamed it on my daughter and that wasn’t fair. When that wasn’t I blamed on myself and lost myself for a couple of days. But God showed me the light and now I’m ready to join him.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

Freyja must be stressed. Her father is dying and he’s over here talking to me telling me has accepted his fate. I just want to hold her and tell it’s gonna be okay. But Freyja doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. After everything we shared, she can’t turn her back on everything she has and I now get it.

“It’s nothing to be sorry for. But what I’m trying to say is that God has a plan for all us. You stepping inside this places allows him to enter your heart in order guide you to your right path as he does to all of us.”

“Can I ask something that I probably shouldn’t?”

“Go ahead.”

“Why is homosexuality a sin?”

Freyja’s father chuckles, “Because it is unnatural. God intended for man and women. Anything else is not right.”

“I see.”

“Why do you ask?”

“No reason.” No. I’m going to fight it. “Actually. I believe otherwise. I don’t think God would mind it. If two people of the same sex truly love each other, what the difference between that of the love of a man and a woman? Why would God not wish the happiness shared between to people? I think that it’s an old way of thinking that doesn’t reflect upon the modern world. Back then it made sense, but now not so much? The advancement of humankind made it such that we don’t have to worry about much and can pursue other ideas besides procreation and survival.” Wow, I sound just like Andrew. I don’t even care if Freyja’s father kicks me out, I said it for me, not for him.

“Well,” the pastor rises from his sit. “If you need me I will be around but we do close at nine. Thank you for coming.”

“No thank you.”’

I get home and Grace is in the living room watching a movie with Virginia. I don’t really say hi and head straight to my room. Today was exhausting. I don’t really know what I did as it seems all so random. I lay in my bed to go to sleep even though it’s nine.

Grace comes in a few minutes later.

She apologizes.