~1833~

In the twelve years following Thomas’ death, life at the Beringer home may have felt a bit less dangerous, but it didn’t feel a lot happier nonetheless. Thomas’ death itself was a bittersweet victory. It was true that they were no longer in danger from his particular brand of hell, but it brought negatives with it as well. Hollister had lost both his childer now, and Daniel had lost his sire, estranged from them both as it now seemed that he was; despite that one fateful visit to Daniel’s home which had ultimately led him to start his short but efficient reign of terror directed at Sean and Claire.

Another sad fact was that Sean, Claire and Nicolas all had wished they had been the one to bring him his end, or to have seen him receive it at any rate. It was an ending without any true closure for any of the three of them. And ended though he was, the pain he had wrought upon each of them was still quite present in all of their thoughts and feelings each night.

There was the fact of Nicolas’ new existence, which he seemed to be coping with as best he could; though there was always that fear that one day his inner pain would become great enough to make him snap and become the thing Thomas had been. And the idea of that happening to him after all the hell he had already suffered was a terrible thought indeed.

Then there was the fact of what Claire had been forced to do, and the true definition of what had actually happened to her. And those thoughts had only grown darker in her head since Sean expressed his take on what that night had honestly been; and all the psychological effects that would have on anyone, let alone one who was already as fragile and damaged as Claire had already been, and for so long.

And lastly there was the effect Thomas’ death had on Sean. It was an indirect effect, but a shattering one indeed. Once Sean had been made aware of Thomas’ demise, that’s when he could finally stop thinking about what was about to come; and instead he could then let his mind finally accept what had already happened. Meaning, what he had forced to happen, and that was when it settled in and had shattered him. He knew that his actions had saved Claire, and that was the only shred of good he could cling to at all.

Sean had begged Claire to tell him how she had ever managed to cope with her own guilt and remain some semblance of herself. But the only answer she had was that it was Sean’s love that had been the only thing that had ever gotten her through any of those guilt-filled nights at all. But she was afraid to even tell him that answer for fear that it would cause him even more guilt to know that without his strength, hers would be sure to crumble too.

So they found themselves in an unending loop of sadness, guilt, and fear of what either of them had become or would become without the strength they had always managed to supply one another. Thomas’ damage was even more far-reaching than either of them ever could have guessed; and the carnage left in his wake was still hanging over them both every night. The only way Claire could give Sean strength to press on and return to some semblance of himself was by drawing on that strength of his, which was the very thing he was now lacking. It was a vicious circle of needing one another and neither being able to be what the other truly needed. So they just existed, which was quite a different thing than living at all.

Not able to yet find any way to truly help Sean through his guilt, Claire had to just get away, instead of seeing the shell he had become and not knowing how to fix him when she herself had been feeling so equally empty without him. That night she reverted to taking those long walks on the beach that she had taken many of back in the nights when Awsha had haunted their existence; back before Sean had been forced to take on Haven’s role.

This left the house empty other than Sean, Nicolas and the servants. Though Nicolas was no longer a servant himself, Claire couldn’t make herself tell him to take up residence at the Toreador house instead of in Sean’s home with them. As fragile as his psyche already was, she did not want to force him to be there alone in the place where he had been murdered, brought back, and then had ended the lives of five others in frenzy. That, she did not trust that he could take easily without it having very negative possible ramifications.

Nicolas watched sadly from a window in the main hall of the home as Claire started down the beach alone. He then looked back toward the door to Sean’s office with a soft sigh. That was when he finally decided to call on what bravery he could, and approached that door. He squared his shoulders and knocked lightly.

At the sound of the light knock, Sean mumbled some acknowledgment of the knock, assuming it was just some servant coming to check in. He was more than a little surprised as Nicolas warily, yet willingly, stepped into the same room as Sean for most likely the first time in the fifteen years since his arrival on their dock.

“Nicolas?” Sean asked, his surprise obvious in his tone. “Is something wrong?” he managed to ask further as Nicolas took a hesitant step into the room.

“Much is wrong” Nicolas spoke, and in English at that, which only further caught Sean by surprise.

Though his words were troubling, so Sean had to move on from that surprise to question his statement, “so what all is wrong?” Sean asked with a weak gesture to the chair in front of his desk.

Nicolas took another moment to gather his composure before taking the last few steps into the room with Sean and taking the offered seat. “You and Claire. You are wrong” he attempted, still having trouble forcing himself to continue in English right then.

“We’re wrong?” Sean blinked at that statement, trying not to imagine the worst possible meaning; as difficult as that was with the fears they held about Nicolas possibly turning as monstrous as the two men who had so very efficiently destroyed his body and soul, and then taken what was left of his life, before giving him an eternity to dwell on his own pain.

“Back when I was alive, still” Nicolas swallowed, struggling to find the strength and the words to continue, “I watched you.”

“Watched me?” Sean narrowed his eyes at that.

“Watched you and Claire” Nicolas attempted some clarification.

Sean raised a brow as that statement served only to further confuse him as to what exactly Nicolas was referring to, “I think you’re going to need to be a little more specific than that.”

“Watched you two make love” he stated bravely, watching Sean tensely, as though expecting some punishment to immediately be directed his way.

Though Sean’s only reaction was to quickly look down, for more than just the awkwardness of the comment, “and you were saying something about us being wrong?” he managed, though his eyes remained down.

“You were right then. You are wrong now. Something is wrong now” he tried to explain his meaning, only relaxing slightly as Sean seemed to be making no move to punish him for his words.

Sean was at a loss for any response for a long moment, “I’m still not really sure why you’ve come to me and what exactly you are trying to tell me, Nicolas” Sean managed though his voice lacked any sort of strength to it.

“You and Claire love each other so much. And now you barely speak, touch, anything. Something wrong with you both” Nicolas told him sadly.

Sean closed his eyes a moment as the words cut into him. It was not that he was surprised by the point Nicolas was trying to make; it was just hearing those facts spoken out loud that made them cut even deeper. Sean sighed heavily, “I know you’re the last person that I should tell this to, but I did something unforgivable, Nicolas. And that’s why Claire and I can barely speak to each other anymore” he stated in a whisper.

“You did something bad to Claire?” Nicolas asked as he tensed with more than a bit of fear.

“No, not to Claire. To someone else” Sean told him in the same soft whisper.

“To who?” Nicolas asked, his fear not quite dissipating yet.

“To a man Claire knew a long time ago” Sean sighed again.

“What did you do?” Nicolas asked, his eyes never leaving Sean’s.

“I forced him to kill someone” Sean admitted in the same whisper, not sure why he was even answering these questions, but feeling there was no point in lying or hiding the truth of his own sins.

“Why?” Nicolas asked with as much bravery as he had left, though his voice shook as he did.

“I forced him to kill someone who was going to kill Claire. It was the only way I could save Claire” Sean added in the same broken tone.

“How is that bad?” Nicolas asked with confusion.

Sean simply scoffed, finally looking back up at him, “I forced him to become a murderer. And the person he murdered… it was his own wife.”

“His wife was going to kill Claire?”

“Yes, so I made him kill her instead” Sean sniffled as his eyes moved back downward.

“So, you saved Claire” Nicolas stated with another look of confusion over at Sean’s state.

“Yes but… I made him kill his own wife” Sean repeated again as he looked back at Nicolas once more.

“To save Claire” Nicolas stated more firmly, “how is this unforgivable? You save her.”

“But at what cost?”

“Any cost. You love her, you save her. How is this bad?” Nicolas asked again.

“But…” Sean just shook his head.

“You save woman you love, even if it means killing another. This does not make you bad” Nicolas told him with more force than he had most likely ever spoken with in his life.

“But…” Sean began again, only to have Nicolas cut him off once more.

“I was forced to do horrible things to a woman I love. Many, many times. Because I could not make myself kill the man who was forcing us. Not even to save her. Does this make me good cause I did not kill that monster? I think not killing monster makes me so much worse than a man who could kill to save the woman he loved. So how you think this makes you bad? I wish I could have killed Donatien. I wish I could have saved her. I wish that every night” and with those bloody tears now in his eyes, Nicolas left the room again, not able to face the judgment he was sure would be on Sean’s face. Though that was not the expression Sean wore at all right then.

When Claire returned home from her walk that night, she was more than a bit surprised to find Sean seated on the sofa in their chambers. She glanced at the clock, which showed that it was just past midnight before she turned her questioning eyes back to where Sean looked her way as though trying to find any words to greet her with.

“Early night?” Claire managed as she tried to distract herself from meeting his eyes and chose to concentrate on removing her boots again.

“Didn’t really feel much like playing Prince tonight” Sean stated as he watched her with a soft sigh, “did the walk help clear your head?”

Claire narrowed her eyes slightly at that question, but responded, “not really. I found myself at the tavern; and I just sat there for a long time, trying to talk myself into reopening it.”

“You’re thinking of reopening it?”

Claire sighed as she finished removing her boots, “I don’t know. I mean, it has been fifteen years” she shrugged, obviously still quite undecided on the matter.

“Can you come sit with me?” Sean asked her a moment later, to which she gave him another questioning look.

“That’s a rather odd request” she stated warily, though she did slowly move to awkwardly take a seat next to him on the sofa.

“I’ve had a rather odd night” Sean stated with an actual attempt at a smile, though he didn’t quite succeed.

“Do I wanna know?” Claire asked worriedly, though she still remained sitting tensely, her eyes on the floor.

“Do you remember the conversation we had when Nicolas first came here?”

“I think you’ll need to be more specific” Claire repeated the same request Sean had made to Nicolas earlier.

“I think I said something about how we’ve lived through so much, but it’s nothing compared to the things that were done to him” Sean stated with a thoughtful sigh.

“Ok…” Claire replied, not quite sure what he was getting at.

“Tonight Nicolas actually willingly came and talked to me” Sean began.

“Ok, that’s a bit shocking” Claire admitted as she cast the briefest glance his way.

“He wanted to know what was wrong with us” Sean continued in the same soft, thoughtful tone.

“Us meaning?” Claire asked, looking back at him once more.

“Me and you.”

“Oh, us” Claire stated, as she looked down again.

“He wanted to know why we barely speak to or touch each other anymore” Sean added with his volume dropping slightly.

“I can imagine that answer” Claire returned, more to herself.

“I told him that I had done something unforgivable; and then I told him what I did, and why I did it” Sean swallowed as Claire looked back at him once more, “and he told me that he wished he could have done the same thing to de Sade to save his sister, the way I did what I did to save you. And that he wished that he had every night for the last twenty years” Sean finished quietly.

“And what did you say?” Claire dared, though her own voice had now dropped to a whisper.

“He rushed out of the room then, but I know what I thought” Sean stated in a matching whisper.

“And what was that?”

“As horrible as what happened was… if I hadn’t done that… made Kristofer do that… and I had lost you, when I could have saved you after all… I wouldn’t have had any strength at all to go on regretting it for another twenty years, let alone eternity. So it was horrible, but it really was the only choice, and I need to stop hating myself for making the only choice that I could have made to save you. Cause saving you is the only thing in the world… the only thing that matters… the only thing that could ever save me.”