A surprising amount of the Last Battle is being fought by mercenaries. Guys who don’t care who wins, as long as they get loot. Most are monster bands from Gianthome or battle wizards from Wreckworld, but we get some from everywhere. It’s weird to watch them switch sides.

Chisel

1 Hour Later (Lowgarden Time) - Copycat - Goblin Jail

Cy wakes. Bolts up. “What happened? Where are we?”

“Goblins kicked our ass. Threw us in jail.” I wave around the spartan brick room. “We’re in some bandit village deep in the woods. Didn’t catch the name. Probably ‘Busted Ass’ or something.”

Cy gives our surroundings a bleary eye. There’s not much to see. Clay bricks, thick door, small barred window. Sounds of goblins partying outside. “Where’s dad?”

“They took him for questioning.”

“Damn it! He’ll tell them everything.”

“About what?” I ask. “We barely know what we’re doing.”

“He’ll find something stupid to tell them.” Cy grunts. “Enough fucking around, let’s escape.”

“Cool. How?”

“As dad always says, you’re never defenceless as long as you have socks. We’ll take ours off, put rocks in them, call the guards in, knock them out with our sock weapons, then - I dunno - run, or kick the shit out of everybody, or something.”

“Hmm. That plan didn’t work out so well last time.”

“Of course not. I was going easy on them. There’ll be no more of that shit.”

Cy stares at me expectantly.

I shrug. “Okay, let’s give it a shot.”

He’s still staring at me.

“Oh, do you need my socks?” I ask.

“Yeah, I’m not wearing any.”

I take off my socks, stuff my feet back in my boots. Hopefully Presto knows a purify stinky footwear spell.

“Okay, I got the socks.” I hold them out. “Now where are the rocks?”

“Hmm. There don’t appear to be any in our cell. Unhelpful.” Cy examines the walls. “These bricks are just baked clay. I can probably work one free.”

Cy punches the wall. A couple bricks go sailing into the night. Completely beyond our reach.

“Dang it.”

“Why don’t you bash all the way through? Then we can get whatever rocks we want.”

Cy shrugs. “Alright.”

CRUNCH!!!

Bricks and dust fly everywhere as Cy busts through the wall. His momentum takes him right into a campsite where a dozen goblins, giant wolves, and a tree are partying around a fire.

There’s a moment of silence, then a wolf growls. Cy punts it into the darkness. Takes a deep breath.

BLAARG!!!

He spews out a thick cloud of purple gas, completely enveloping the party. Points a hand towards the campfire and flicks it at the tree. The flames follow his gesture and torch the tree. Goblins and wolves flail in the gas cloud, choking and gagging. Cy picks up a piece of firewood and gives them all a good clubbing.

I follow with my socks. Do we still need to stuff rocks in them? Or can I put them back on?

“Okay, who’d we miss?” asks Cy cheerily, surrounded by groaning bodies.

“The ninja goblin and Presto.” Also, I’m pretty sure he burnt the wrong tree. But I don’t want to be in the middle of a forest fire, so I keep that to myself.

“Right.” Cy peers around the sleepy village. Spots a hut with light leaking out of cracks in its door.

We creep up on the hut to investigate. There’s a pair of Presto’s socks tied to the door handle.

“Damn it!” whispers Cy. “He’s totally defenceless.”

“I dunno…”

CRASH!!

Cy kicks down the door, bursts in. “Oh, excuse me.” Bursts back out. Wedges the broken door back in place. Backs away from the hut.

“Yeah, he’s doing fine.” Cy shrugs. “I guess we’re here for the night. Let’s see what the goblins were drinking.”

Goblins brew a fine ale, and their stew’s pretty good too. We sample each as they recover around us. They’re confused to see us casually drinking, and aren’t sure what to do. Their leader is no help. She tells them to fuck off when they knock on the hut’s splintered door.

Eventually they shrug and start drinking with us. They’re pretty fun guys once they loosen up. And the wolves are soo soft. Like evil clouds.

We end up crashing in the jail cell. It’s less work than setting up a tent.