(May 17th, 1986)

"Tell me about the dreams Athena says you've been having."

Dr. MacMoran was sitting in the chair beside my bed, and Athena and Artemis had just left to give us some (nominal) privacy. I knew from their presences in the back of my mind that they were sitting just outside the door. Partly that was out of a desire to simply not go far from me right now, and partly it was practical necessity…they were so attuned to my emotional state that they'd be able to enter the room and stop me if I became violent.

It was unlikely. It had only happened twice in the weeks since I'd woken up in the hospital - not counting the week they still wouldn't tell me about, during which they'd been working to remove Brenna's spell from me - and they had both been fairly minor outbursts, with no damage done. Still, I felt better knowing they were there in case something happened.

But that wasn’t the only thing I was uneasy about.

"Do I have to?" I asked in a small voice.

Dr. MacMoran nodded firmly, though her expression softened a little. "Are they bad?"

"They're…" I trailed off into silence and tried to find the right way to explain it. "They don't feel like dreams," I said finally. "They're too vivid. Too detailed. They feel more like memories…but they're not mine."

She looked up from the notebook perched precariously on her lap, her focus entirely on me. It had been a bit intimidating, the first time I'd seen that expression. Now I found it strangely comforting, knowing beyond a doubt that all of her formidable attention was focused on my problems.

I could see why she and Mom were old friends. They had a lot in common.

"What do you mean, they feel like memories?"

I refocused on her. "It's like…" I thought about my words carefully. "You know how dreams always have a slightly ephemeral quality to them? Like you're sort of outside your body watching what's going on, and part of it at the same time?"

She nodded. "That's an interesting way of describing it. You've studied dreams?"

"Jonathan and I studied dream imagery and meaning together a few years ago," I said. "I'd been having dreams that were unusually clear and very detailed. He was worried I might be experiencing precognitive dreaming. Turns out it was just an after-effect of the three months I'd just spent with some Tantric Mages he knew."

Dr. MacMoran raised an amused-looking eyebrow. "Do I want to know what sort of dreams they were?"

"Similar to these, actually," I said in surprise, wondering why I hadn't made the connection before now. "Only…inverted."

"Inverted?"

I nodded. "That's the best way I can think of to describe it. Both those dreams and these were very erotic…but those dreams were pleasant, and these aren't."

"Do you want to talk about them?" she asked slowly. "More to the point, do you think the details are important?"

I considered the question very seriously. "I don't think I'd be comfortable going into detail," I replied. "But…Doctor, you were involved in removing Brenna's spell, weren't you?"

"Toward the end of the process," she confirmed. "It was a very complex and unusual piece of spellcraft. I've never see anything quite like it. Frankly, I hope I never see anything like it again."

"From the way she was talking about it at the time…" I thought about the words she'd used, describing the spell as magic her father - our father - had 'given' her. "Could it have been Sidhe magic?"

Dr. MacMoran looked up from her notebook again, but there was no surprise on her face. I guessed she'd been thinking along the same lines herself. "I think it might have been. It was certainly like no mortal magic I've ever seen. And I've dealt with both Hermetic and Shamanic spells that were designed to do enormous damage to the human psyche."

She sat back in her chair and looked up at me. "I worked with your mother to finish removing the spell from her mind as well," she continued. "We discussed it at some length, and she'd never seen anything like it before either. Nor had Jonathan. You might be interested to know that it didn't have the same effect on her that it had on you."

"What do you mean?"

"In your mother, the spell enhanced the negative emotions she was feeling. I think that may be all it was ever designed to do - paralyze a person by enhancing their self-doubt, despair, anger, or through other similar emotions." She pursed her lips. "It left no lingering after-effects in her. Could it have - "

I cut her off, thinking out loud. "Sympathetic magic."

She tipped her head to one side. "Pardon?"

"Sympathetic magic," I said slowly, trying to mentally pummel my brain into working. It felt sluggish. "I…I think I need to talk to Jonathan about this," I said ruefully. "I can't quite remember what I'm looking for."

Dr. MacMoran reached up and gently patted my knee. "You'll experience some cognitive dissonance while the effects of the spell fade. Don't worry, we didn't find any signs of long-term damage to your memory or cognitive functions. It'll pass."

"No damage to my long-term memory except for the first week I was here, while you were trying to remove the spell," I said, a little surprised by how bitter and angry my voice sounded. Did I feel that way? I guess I did. I tried to smother it.

She nodded. "That's a good point. But…" She trailed off into silence, pursing her lips.

"Am I not ready to hear about that yet?" I asked wryly.

"Actually," she said, looking at me closely, "Based on what you said about your dreams, I think it might be time to discuss it."

I probably looked as surprised as I felt. I'd been sure they were going to try to bury whatever had happened during that week. Even Artemis and Athena had been working hard to keep the information from me, which felt amazingly unnatural to all three of us. If it was so important that they do it, why discuss it now? Just because it had something to do with the spectacularly creepy dreams I was having?

"I'd like to get Jonathan in here first, if it's all right with you," Dr. MacMoran said slowly. "I think we could use his magical expertise as part of this conversation."

I nodded. I had no secrets from him or Mom. "Of course."

She nodded in return and rose. "I'll go get him, I'm sure he's not…"

I held up one finger. >

>

"Would you mind if Athena and Artemis joined the conversation too?" I asked Dr. MacMoran.

She smiled. "Of course not. Sending Athena to find him?" She sat back down.

"Yeah, she thinks he's in the commissary." >

>

“They’ll be in as soon as they find him,” I reported.

Dr. MacMoran smiled. “That’s pretty handy. Maybe I should think about getting a familiar.”

“I hear that a lot. I wonder why so many spellcasters don't have familiars."

Dr. MacMoran smiled a bit more. "Well, some people don't have the necessary magical talent to bind a familiar properly. Others find the idea of sharing that much of themselves with another being - even one they own - rather intimidating."

I waved dismissively. "I've heard the reasons. I just don't understand it."

She laughed. "Fair enough. I suppose I don't either, even though I don't have one myself. I've just never had time to find the right animal, really. Perhaps I should make time."

"I don't know how I got through the day without them," I said. I really didn't, either. It was hard to remember what it had been like to be alone inside my own head now that I had Artemis and Athena with me every moment of every day, even when they weren't in the room with me.

As if thinking of her made her appear, Artemis pushed the door open and slipped into the room. She hopped up onto my bed with a grace and lightness belied by her size - though the bed groaned slightly as her 85 pounds were added to it - and settled at my feet in a regal posture. She folded one forepaw over the other and flipped her tail around to lie alongside her. > she said primly, and sniffed ostentatiously. >

Then she winked, and I started laughing.

"I have a feeling I just missed something," Dr. MacMoran said with a smile.

"Nothing worth repeating," I said, trying to get my laughter under control and wiping tears from my eyes.

"It's very good to hear you laugh," she said quietly. "Really laugh, I mean. It's a lovely sound, and I hope to hear more of it in the future."

The door opened again and Athena came in, followed closely by Jonathan. "I found him complaining about not being able to get a decent cup of tea," she said dryly.

Jonathan put on his most innocent expression, which I'm fairly sure nobody bought even for an instant. "It's the one thing I really miss about living in Albion. It's so hard to…" He winced and stepped forward a little. "No need for that, love…"

Mom appeared from behind him, stepping around him and jabbing him in the ribs with a finger again. "I believe we had a deal, you and I…you complain about tea, I poke you."

He sighed. "Yes, dear."

I could see through the levity to how tired and worn they were, but I appreciated the effort anyway.

Jonathan dragged over two chairs for himself and Mom as Athena hopped up and sat on the edge of my bed.

"So," Dr. MacMoran said, "I think it's time we told Alys what happened during the first week she was here in the hospital and have a serious discussion about the spell Brenna used on her."

Jonathan nodded, "I've been doing a lot of research on Sidhe magic; I think I have an idea of what happened finally."

Dr. MacMoran nodded. "Good. We'll get to that in a minute." She looked up at me. "Alys…the first few days you were here, you simply weren't yourself."

> Athena said. >

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"During the first few days, your behavior was…" Dr. MacMoran trailed off, probably trying to find a gentle way to say it.

"You were behaving like Brenna," Mom said bluntly. "You remember how her letter read, and what she was like to talk to?"

I nodded. When Athena took my hand and gripped it tightly, I realized that I was shaking a little.

"That's what you were like," Mom went on quietly. "Your mood swung wildly from terribly depressed to so violently angry that you had to be restrained. And you kept trying to curse us…they had to keep you in magic-dampening manacles until the spell was removed."

> Artemis said softly. >

"It was frustrating not being able to help at all," Athena said in a subdued voice. "Having our bond attenuated by the manacles made us disoriented, and I was still healing too…"

Dr. MacMoran sighed. "It was a difficult few days for everyone."

I looked around at them. Jonathan had stood up again while they were talking and was pacing back and forth at the foot of my bed, arms folded across his chest, brow furrowed. I knew that expression. He was upset about not having been able to do anything about what had been going on during that week I couldn't remember.

"So why can't I remember any of it?" I asked him.

Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Dr. MacMoran open her mouth to answer, then glance over at him. When she looked back at me there was a smile on her lips and understanding in her eyes. "It was Jonathan who figured it out."

He stopped pacing and stood at the foot of my bed, looking straight at me. "We were looking in the wrong direction at first, trying to figure out what tradition the spell Brenna used on you and Deirdre had come from, and why it had two wildly different effects on two different people. It wasn't a spell from any tradition…it was Sidhe magic."

I blinked. "So I was right? I didn't think mortals could…" I trailed off as the bottom dropped out of my stomach. Of course mortals couldn't…but Brenna and I were changelings. Half-Sidhe, half-human. "She said it was magic her father had given her."

Jonathan nodded. "Your father must've taught her how to cast the spell. I've been researching it, and have found Sidhe magic that works that way - causing paralysis and unconsciousness by supercharging types of emotions and sensations. In this case, despair and other dark, negative emotions."

I glanced at Mom and saw she was nodding. "That's what it did to me," she said.

"So, it had a different effect on me because of the blood relationship between Brenna and me," I said slowly, thinking out loud. "Sympathetic magic."

"Probably," Jonathan said. "That's the conclusion I reached as well. It's a reasonable supposition, but I have no proof."

"Proof or not," Dr. MacMoran said, "It gave the doctors and healers the clue we needed to strip the remains of the spell out of your mind and body. The curious thing is that in doing so, your memories of the first few days after you woke up in the hospital went with it. We don't know why."

"I have a theory," Jonathan said.

"Of course you do," I said, smiling a little.

His smile matched mine, but it was grim. "You're not going to like it."

"I haven't liked any of this situation," I said airily. "Might as well make it worse."

He nodded a little. "I think when Brenna cast the spell on you, a piece of her psyche was somehow duplicated in your mind, like a carbon copy. Fractured, but sufficient that it was able to take control when you woke up disoriented and still under the effects of the spell."

"You're right," I said, "I don't like it." I felt my smile fade away in spite of my attempt to keep it there. "It feels right though."

"That's all the answer we may ever have," Jonathan said quietly. "Sidhe magic is instinctive. If our conclusion feels right to you, it probably is."

I laid my head back against the pillows propping me up and closed my eyes. I felt disgusted. Soiled. Anger…no, anger is too gentle a word. Fury boiled up in my stomach, and something horrible and dark woke up in my chest. "The next time I see her, I'm going to kill her," I growled.

Fingers took hold of my face and turned my head. I opened my eyes and found myself looking directly into Athena's golden eyes. Her pupils were so dilated they almost dominated her irises, and I felt the fear rippling off of her. "No, you won't," she said quietly. "Not like that. If you have to, you will, but you won't do it in cold blood. That's not you."

"Isn't it?" I asked. "That's how the Sidhe do things, isn't it? She needs to be wiped off the face of the Earth. I can't do it right now, so I'll learn…"

She slapped me.

I blinked in surprise, lifting my left hand to cup my stinging cheek. The silence in the room felt like it had physical weight.

I blinked a few more times, and the dark, horrible thing in my chest faded away. My stomach settled, then roiled with a sick feeling. "Th-thank you…" I stammered.

Athena rubbed her right hand, tears streaking her cheeks. "Just…don't make me do that again."

I laughed hollowly. "I don't think I can promise that right now."

Dr. MacMoran was on her feet, her hands glowing a soft blue as she ran them over my head and down my chest. After a moment, the glow faded and she shook her head. "It's all right, it wasn't the spell coming back."

"That doesn't make me feel any better," I said. "It makes me feel worse."

Athena settled beside me again, resting her head on my right shoulder carefully.

Dr. MacMoran smiled a little. "I know. But it's good news. It means that while outbursts like that may happen from time to time, they won't last." She looked at Athena. "Why did you slap her?"

"It…it felt like it did when she woke up the first time," Athena said quietly. "Like it wasn't Alys."

Dr. MacMoran nodded slowly, frowning a little bit. “Ordinarily I wouldn’t approve, but in this instance, under these unusual circumstances, a sharp shock seems to have done the trick. Just don’t make a habit out of it.”

I felt a surge of horror and disgust roll off of Athena. “Absolutely not, Doctor,” she said fervently, shuddering against me. “You have my word.”

“I’ll help you find a better way to handle any more incidents like that one as we continue Alys’s therapy,” Dr. MacMoran said more gently.

“Thank you,” Athena whispered.

Artemis had watched the whole thing from the foot of my bed, and now put her head down on her paws. >

"I think Alys needs a nap," Dr. MacMoran said at the same time. "Time to digest what we've told her and rest will help settle her emotions again."

> Artemis purred.

Mom leaned over and kissed my cheek as she rose. "We'll be back tomorrow."

Jonathan nodded, coming over and squeezing my left shoulder. "Rest, relax. Try not to worry about the spell right now. You have my word that it's gone, and the lingering effects will pass."

"They will," Dr. MacMoran agreed, then gently ushered them to the door. She paused before leaving herself. "They really will, Alys. You have my word on that too."

After they left, Athena snuggled up as best she could on my right side. > she said firmly. >Artemis carefully moved up beside me on my left, pressing close and resting her chin on my arm. >

I burst into tears, which Athena wiped away gently. I think I was still crying when I finally fell asleep.