--

"Marsh, are you in here?"

"Yeah," I said. "I can't see anything."

"Me either," Henry's voice was muffled.

"I think there's a bag over my head."

"Yep."

"Like a potato sack or something."

"Something like that."

The room was quiet, except for a low-pitched hum that could have been the heating system. I leaned back slightly, shifting my weight on the hard floor to take some of the pressure off my wrists, still bound behind my back.

"What happened back there?" I asked Henry.

"I'm not sure," I heard Henry try to move, his words became a muffled groan. "Everything was going fine. We were watching a play about a naked construction worker, or something. Then you showed everyone your new tie, and suddenly the crowd turned murderous."

"Are you sure it was because of the tie? I mean, it's just a tie…"

"It's not just a tie. It's a Vicchady."

"Yes. But, I mean really, it's just a tie. Did we do something else to offend them?"

"Beats me," Henry said. "I didn't hear much of an explanation as they were shoving my head into the ground and ripping my clothes off."

At some point during the ruckus, after the bag was slipped over my head, I was stripped naked and redressed in what I assumed was an Azodii prison uniform. I had no idea what the uniform looked like, but it felt like a pair of itchy shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt that didn't go above my nipples.

After that, we were shackled and tossed into the cell, or wherever we were, and left to sit on the ground.

"What kind of knot did you use? Half-Windsor?"

"Windsor," I said. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Maybe the Azodii prefer a half-Windsor. Or maybe neckwear in general offends them. Or the color orange. I don't know. I'm trying to make sense of all this. My head is still spinning from that coffee drink stuff."

"Tchugg."

“Did they dress us in corsets?” Henry asked. “These shorts are scratching me in all the wrong places. I wonder if this is some kind of torture. Or just incarceration shame? Humiliate the prisoner?”

“I’m not sure what passes for due process here,” I said. “Azodii criminal law wasn’t on the agenda. I haven’t even read the Acquisition Treaty yet. Our Treaty. The one we're supposed to be negotiating. And this – this is going to set back negotiations."

"Yeah, I'd say it's an unforeseen snag," Henry said. "We're nearly naked in a dark room with bags over our heads. We don't have a lot of leverage."

"Still, we are representatives of the Slatt Territories. We have to be treated with a certain amount of diplomatic goodwill. I mean, right?"

Henry was quiet. "They took my Rolex."

"I'm sorry, Henry." I said. "We'll get it back. This is all just a big mistake. We'll get it figured out."

"Or they'll kill us," Henry said. "We'll die on Azodii, and dead men don't need luxury precision timepieces."

There was the sound of voices outside the door, then the loud clang of a heavy door being opened and bodies marching purposefully into the room.

"…The tests confirmed it, I'm afraid."

"Has anyone spoken to the prisoners?"

"No, Major."

"Remove their hoods, Private."

The bag was yanked off of my head and I saw the room for the first time. It was a jail cell, but with an odd feature: one wall was completely made of glass. Outside was the exposed surface of Planet Azodii, mountains of snow and frozen crystal stalagmites glistening in the twilight.

Henry was tied on the ground next to me, blinking. I got a good look at our prison uniforms for the first time, they were as ugly as I expected, made of a brown, loose fiber that resembled steel wool.

Two members of the Azodii Militia stood behind Henry and I, holding pistols with trident barrels pointed at the backs of our heads. In front of us were Doctor Sylk and Major Salient Kale, both looking grim.

"Henry Todd and Evander Marshall of Earth," Kale scowled at us. "Are those your real names?"

"Yes, of course," Henry said.

"Are we being charged with a crime?" I asked.

"Charges are forthcoming, Earth attorneys," Kale squinted, slowly pacing a circle around us. "If you are agents of Planet Bob, now would be the time to confess."

"Major Kale, I promise you: we have no idea what any of this is about!" I was nearly shouting. "Can someone please tell us what we did wrong?"

Kale's angry blue face lowered until it was inches from mine. "You showed up to our sacred Heart Ceremony wearing an aberration around your neck!"

So it was the Vicchady, after all. "It's called a necktie," I explained. "It's a popular earth accessory. Forgive my ignorance, but what about it is so offensive?"

Major Kale opened her vest and drew an ornamental dagger from a sheath at her belt. She pointed the tip of the knife at me and I pulled backward, then in a flash ran the blade across the tip of her index finger.

I winced; Kale held up her finger, and I saw the blood trickling down onto her hand: it was orange. A swirling, hypnotizing, unmistakable orange.

Her blood was Vicchady orange.

"You see, Earth attorneys," Doctor Sylk opened a file on his tablet, a floating series of numbers and charts appeared, hovering in the air above us. "Biologically, you are not much different than us. Our organs, our lymph structures, our neurological systems – all very similar to human biology. But there are a few small differences: our species are a bit better suited for cold temperatures, which stands to reason. We have different pigmentation, obviously. And I'm sure you've also noticed that we have one more digit on each hand –"

"Your blood," I said. "It's the same color as –"

"Quiet prisoner!" Major Kale had wrapped a cloth around the cut on her finger, but the orange blood was already soaking through. "Let Doctor Sylk speak."

"Yes, well," Sylk continued. "One difference that may not be as obvious, one you are probably unaware of, is the fact that humans and Azodii have extremely different systems of visual perception."

Sylk's tablet projected a diagram of an Azodii eyeball. "The Azodii have very sensitive optic receptors. Human eyes, from what I'm told, are much more primitive. You can only see a limited spectrum of color wavelengths. Whereas the Azodii can distinguish slight and subtle differences between colors, we see hues and tints and shades that you cannot."

"Enough of the lecture, Doctor Sylk," Kale growled. "I'm tired of listening to excuses and explanations." She turned to us and spat, "Earth attorneys, answer me! If you really are working on behalf of the Slatt Empire, then tell me: When did the Slatt Empire murder our beloved Zerk, husband of Lady Azodii-Denebola?"

"We're not working for Planet Bob!" Henry said firmly. "And what does Zerk have to do with anything?"

"I analyzed your… necktie, Marshall of Earth," Sylk said solemnly. "The cloth is derivative from a small type of earth slug –"

"Silk, yes," I said. "The product is called silk, like your name."

"Fascinating. And the dye is, as I've confirmed, pure Azodii blood."

"I bought that tie in a department store in Beverly Hills, Doctor Sylk," I pleaded. "There must be some mistake."

"No mistake," Kale said. "We know our blood when we see it."

"And, I'm afraid it's a bit worse than that," Sylk added. "You see, Azodiii blood is like your human fingerprints – unique to every individual. The exact color and wavelength of every Azodii's blood is unique. When Lady Denebola saw your tie, she immediately recognized the blood. It belongs to her late husband, Zerk."

I was dumbfounded. "That's impossible…" was all I could manage. "I bought it at Saks."

Sylk shook his head. "I tested the blood myself. It matches Zerk's. As I said, no two blood wavelengths are ever the same."

"And you have the audacity to wear Zerk's blood to our holy ceremony!" Major Kale grabbed under my bare arms and lifted me off the ground like a rag doll, I dangled in the air before her. "Why? To revel in our mourning? To triumph in your cold-blooded treachery?"

"We didn’t murder anyone!" Henry said.

"We're lawyers!" I added for good measure. Kale didn't seem impressed.