[You are truly merciless. How could you kill such a wise old man so heartlessly?]

Fuck you, you made me.

[What if he could teach you some wisdoms or give you the legacy of the master?]

I decide to ignore Robert from now on….

[It’s ROB!]

...and carry on to the hospital, where Sadie is waiting in her private office.

Wait, since when do nurses have private offices?

“Ah, there you are, moron. Let me guess, you thought it’s some cheap porn scenario where I’m gonna fuck you as a blackmail or something?”

No, I’m only thinking about the hobo I killed tbh.

Undaunted by my passive-agressive silence, she continues.

“Well, you’re in luck! However, you must overcome one last obstacle before you can get what you want…”

She takes out a bunch of lockpicks and tosses them to me.

I fail to catch them and they roll on the floor with a loud clank. Sadie facepalms, but this captain Picard tier body language only outs her as a millennial, possibly a boomer.

[Dex check failed +1 exp]

Shut up, Robert.

I clumsily pick them up and ask what’s next.

She lifts up her skirt, to reveal she’s not wearing any underwear.

She is, however, wearing a heavy steel chastity belt.

“I lost the key some time ago….”

This is retarded. Robert, is this one of your shenanigans?

Suddenly epic orchestral metal music starts playing.

[This is the first major boss fight! Good luck, oh brave hero!]

I have no idea how to pick locks, and according to my memory, my DEX and PER are quite low. So the only hope of succeeding lies in my fairly leveled up luck attribute….

Welp, here goes nothing.

I start fiddling with the lock, breaking a pick after a pick.

Finally, im down to the last one. I know this one will fail too, but just as I’m about to give up…

A [Force lock] option appears in the corner.

Description:

[Use your STR to force the lock. The contents of the chest might be damaged in process]

Idc, I click on it, and the chastity belt falls down with a loud clank.

And beneath it is…

A vagina.

That’s right folks, not a penis like what you might expect, but a vagina.

Looking at its uneven shape, with various...tentacles, for the lack of a better word, hanging out from the hole, and bits and pieces of hair growing like a jungle around it, I have only one thing to say.

“....This is not like in hentai.”

The hentai vagina is just a hole, sometimes with two perfectly even puffs around it. It’s clean and cute. It’s perfect.

Meanwhile, this abomination is just….vomit inducing.

“What’s the matter, boi? Give me teh cunnilingus!” screamed Sadie impatiently.

I stand up and make a kung fu pose. After all, I am Long Dong, the invincible master of 2000-year-old martial art!

“Cunnilingus this, bitch!”

ATATATATATATATATATAowATTA!!

I barrage her in a flurry of blows, each hitting her pressure point, and the final strike sends her flying.

[Critical hit! +20 exp!]

Sadie falls flat on her laptop, somehow knocking it off the desk. The device hit the floor with a loud crack, and explodes in a small ball of flame.

Seriously, these critical hits are sometimes over the top. This is some borderline reality bending shit.

“Your laptop is already dead!”

And with that, I am secure in the fact that my dark history will not be known…

Suddenly, Sadie starts laughing like a cartoon villain.

“Long Dong, you are not only a fool, but also an idiot! Your embarassing crossdressing photos were already made public! It’s only a matter of time until you lose face!”

The prospect of becoming a faceless man was rather terrifying, but right now, I have other things to worry about.

Leaving the office, the orchestral music finally stops playing, and a blue box appears.

[Main Quest: Build a harm: failed! -1000exp] [Continue?] [>Y/N?]