Chapter 15

The Knights of Cake

The next morning the whole party awoke late. The sun was high over the horizon as they started to stir. Fred yawned. He had slept well, despite the hardness of the ground. The chat was more subdued than the previous night but the remains of the bacon and eggs seemed to perk everyone up, except Epic who seemed to have reverted to her log-like status in the night. She lay on her side, eyes staring sightlessly at the clouds high above.

"What's the matter with her?" whispered Hugo in a loud theatrical whisper.

"Just let her be," said Fred.

"But if she's not going to eat her sandwich can I–"

"No."

"First things first," said Joan, glaring at Hugo. "I think we can all agree we have potential as a party–"

"Oh god," said Alice. "Is she giving us a pep talk?"

"–but I don't feel like we know that much about each other," said Joan, loudly. "For instance – what is everyone's class? If we know what we can all do, our strengths and our weaknesses we can work together more efficiently."

Alice made a farting noise.

"Alice, don't be a prat," said Hugo. "I don't want to die. Not properly. I think we should do as they say. I mean... it's all good and well but we know that purge is coming. Joan has played before."

"Fine," said Alice, huffing out her cheeks. She crossed her arms over her chest, her chin sunk down as she made a show of listening politely.

"I'm a Druid," said Joan, calmly, although the tips of her ears were turning a fetching shade of pink. "Fred's a Monk. I assume you are a Rogue, Alice?"

"Yup."

"How about you two?"

"Wizard," said Hugo, "but I'd really like to be a Bard."

"Do you have an instrument?"

"Not yet, just a wand."

Alice snorted.

"Liar."

Hugo blushed. "Fine, fine, I have a triangle."

"What can you do with a triangle?" asked Fred.

"Very little."

"I'm a Barbarian," said Epic, sitting up and taking a seat on a nearby trunk. She crossed her ankles. She picked up her breakfast sandwich and sniffed it daintily. Everyone looked at the petite woman. "What?"

"Okay, that's actually not bad," said Joan, her brow creased in thought. "So Fred and Epic would be our tanks...I'm the healer, or at least I will be when I find a healing spell...hmm. Hugo and Alice would be our ranged fighters... yes this can work. Weapons?"

Alice had a couple of daggers, and Hugo his wand. Epic didn't have anything.

"Sorry," she mumbled, flushing red. She slid off the tree trunk and onto the ground, reminding Fred of a Slinky going down the stairs.

"No, no, its fine," said Joan. "That's the benefit of having a party. We will figure it out together. We can swop out equipment – we need to maximize everyone's hit points."

"What are those...exactly?" asked Epic, looking a bit embarrassed.

"How much damage you can take before you start losing HP," said Joan. "How good your armour, or clothing is. How much damage your weapon can take if you have one."

"I'm at 12," said Hugo. "HP I mean. What about the rest of you?"

"That's not bad," said Fred, speculatively, eyeing the young man who appeared to be wearing only a robe, shoes and socks. "Where are you hiding the points?" Hugo brandished a foot clad in chunky, cheerful blue and white knitted socks. He wiggled his toes. One of the big ones was sticking out of a large hole.

"+5 Holy Socks (Blessed by Tim, God of Knitting and Hygge) + 3 mana!" he declared proudly. "I found them in a bargain bin at the general goods store."

"That is lucky!" said Joan, peering at them. "Holy items are very rare, I don't think I've ever heard of anyone finding one so early in the game before."

"Told you," said Alice, grumpily. "I worked so much harder for mine."

"You mean you stole a bunch of belts. And my dagger after you murdered me in the tavern."

"Yes, like I said. I worked hard. My hit points are 13."

"And you Epic?" asked Fred. "That chainmail shirt must have some decent protective properties? You didn't tell us before."

"It does," said Epic, clutching it and looking a little embarrassed. She smoothed the sliver links with a careful finger. "It's why I'm still alive, even though I didn't really try. I've got 45 hit points."

"Wowzers," said Hugo at the same time as Alice said, "Hot damn! How is that fair?"

"She's older than you," said Joan, with a shrug. "It's not fair. Older than all of us...I think? That's why the ancient ones have so much nice armour... the longer you live the higher your stats. Not that you are an ancient one, of course," she said quickly to Epic who shrugged. "I mean the ninety-year-olds striding around in full plate armour."

"I feel ancient," said Epic.

"That's not fair," said Hugo.

"She can't be older than you, Joan?" said Fred.

"How old are you?" asked Epic. "I'm thirty-eight. You only look about... hmm I don't know twenty-something."

"Well technically I was three hundred and something when I died–" Joan raised her voice so they could hear her over Alice and Hugo's enthusiastic exclamations. "But I was a redwood. In human years, I'd probably be in my early twenties. I should have lived to be a thousand at least. I did get a nice bonus out of it though." Joan explained her hit point multiplier bonus, and Epic made an 'o' of amazement. "So my hitpoints are 56 but they would be 7 without the bonus."

"Powerful," said Hugo.

"A tree," said Alice, "you chose to be a tree? On purpose?"

"If you win you would probably be reincarnated as a bunion," said Hugo.

Alice rounded on him in fury. Hugo pulled out his wand. Fred casually moved in and held the two teenagers apart.

"I think we are getting a little distracted," he said, mildly, as they struggled to claw at each other. "Team bonding? Figuring out our strengths and whatnot? No? Why don't we sort through the things you pinched from the bakery, Alice?"

"Fine," spat Alice.

"Fine," said Hugo.

Hugo and Fred laid the contents of Alice's sack out on the grass and everyone came over to inspect them. Alice and Hugo were soon distracted by the loot. There was still plenty of cake, and a little bit of bread left, and a heavy wheel of cheese.

"That's going to be a pain to carry," said Hugo. Alice shrugged.

"I like cheese."

"Who doesn't?" asked Fred.

"I'm lactose intolerant," said Hugo.

"What are these?" Fred poked at some hard, knobbly green things.

"Careful!" said Alice, knocking his hand away urgently. "Those are those boiled sweet grenades Simon was lobbing at us last night."

"Use Identify," said Joan.

"Oh yes," said Fred. "I forgot." He peered at the boiled sweets.

[Sugar Grenades. Deal -1 damage when used in combat]

"Handy."

Apart from the grenades Alice had stolen various items of old clothing, Simon's Rolling Pin [Deals +6 HP damage], six lemons, a health potion [restores +5 HP], a spider's eye [?????] ("Gross, what did you pinch that for?" "Maybe it does something interesting, you don't know."), a Chef's Hat [+1 cooking skill point, while equipped]; A Sharp Kitchen Knife [Deals +2 HP damage], some rusty gears ("Why?" "It was dark, okay.") and a bunch of bananas and one old book.

Fred eyed the leather-bound tome with some suspicion. It was entitled Magical Beasts and How to Cook Them. After checking it out with Identify he confirmed that it conferred the reader with +1 Cooking Point.

"I suggest everyone reads it," says Joan, "And then when we are all done we can sell the book and the rest of the bits we can't use. Whoever's doing the cooking can wear the Chef's Hat."

Fred took Simon's Rolling Pin and bequeathed The Spoon of Destiny to Epic.

"It's surprisingly effective," he said. "Treat it well, we've been through lots together."

"Thank you," said Epic, with a slight smile. "I will."

Hugo took the knife, despite Alice arguing that she needed a third.

"Why do you need three?"

"So I can throw them, numb-nuts. Why do you need a dagger anyway? You can use that wand and throttle people to death with your triangle. Or wait. No. They will die of embarrassment."

"I'll give it to you when I have something better."

They sorted through the old clothes, like a bizarre sort of auction. Fred would hold them up and announce the hit point value and everyone would compare it to what they were wearing. Epic didn't find anything better than what she was already had on, but Hugo scored some new underpants and Alice a pair of socks.

"What about this," said Joan, holding up a bra. "Alice?"

"What?"

"Put a bra on Alice," said Hugo.

"Why? The girls are happy as they are."

"Because it will give you a hit point and you need as many as you can get."

"You put a bra on."

"Joan is offering it to you."

"You don't have to wear it on your boobs," said Joan.

"Fine."

Alice looped the bra around her waist, letting it sit amongst her many belts.

"Happy?"

"No," said Fred. "I need a cup of tea."

"That reminds me," said Joan, frowning, as if she was running through an inventory in her head. "Quest wise – I need to learn magic or a spell at least, Hugo needs a proper instrument, Fred needs some tea and Epic needs a weapon. Hmm."

"The witch," said Fred. "Don't forget about the Midnight Witch."

"Damnit," said Joan. "How could I forget. We are probably due a visit from that spider thing at any moment."

"My heart breaks," came a rasping, sing-song voice. They all spun around. Fred used Identify on the Pekinese-sized spider that was perched precariously on top of the wheel of cheese.

[Lamb-kin, NPC level 10]

"'Spider thing', indeed," said Lamb-kin. "I was going to sing you a song but instead I'll just remind you that you'll all going to die if you don't get the witch a decent present. And I will enjoy watching."

He disappeared.

"Hmm," said Epic.

"Stupid witch," said Alice.

"What on earth are we going to get her?" asked Joan, scratching her cheek, worriedly.

"A wheel of cheese?"

"Gingerbread, someone said she liked gingerbread."

"Or a fancy cake? It feels like we should do something special...or someone could sing her a song..."

"Hugo could give her his fancy socks."

"I think we should take her Simon," said Epic.

"What?" Everyone turned to look at her. Epic shrugged, looking embarrassed to have all the attention on her.

"He killed her didn't he?"

"It certainly looks that way," said Fred.

"And Simon didn't...disappear the way enemies usually do. The spiders in The Meadow of Beginnings, that wizard you duelled..."

"He must have respawned but he wasn't an NPC."

"That's true," said Joan. "It was weird the way we had to take him to the watch."

"You mean he still has a part to play?" said Fred, consideringly.

"Perhaps."

"Just a thought," said Epic. "Probably stupid."

"No, no," said Joan. "It's an interesting idea. Okay –let's split up – sell the stuff we don't need, read the skill book. Then which quest? Skeleton Gorge or The Midnight Witch?"

"Let's get the witch over with," said Alice. "That spider is creepy." Everyone nodded their agreement.

"Meet back here in an hour?"

"I'll get Simon," said Fred. "Maybe we can put a bow on him and the Midnight Witch will be happy."

"Perhaps."

They went their separate ways. Epic minding the camp and reading the cookbook, Hugo off to sell the miscellaneous clothes and Alice, Joan and Fred to extract the Midnight Witches' "present" from the hands of the watch.

They were halfway across the meadow when the thunder of hooves shook the ground. A host of armour-clad men on horses burst out of the nearby forest. Everyone clutched their weapons, although rolling pins and small daggers were unlikely to be much good against the sort of weaponry that was racing towards them faster than Fred could process. To Fred's relief, the knights skidded to a halt, horses neighing and stamping.

The lead knight pushed up his visor.

"Greetings, mere mortals," he said, and Fred could have sworn his tooth sparkled, just for a moment. He shook his head. A trick of the light. Or he was weak from lack of tea. Or perhaps he really, really missed tv and his mind had decided reality was too dull and was filling in special effects for him. Unlikely. His attention was pulled back to the knight, and his companions, all of whom were removing their helms. Their hair rippled and shone in the sun, as they shook it out in slow motion.

"I assume this lot are heavy on the charisma," he said quietly to Joan, who was looking a little dazed.

"Yup," she said, not taking her eyes off the spectacle before her. "Yup."

"Maybe they are just really hot," whispered Hugo from the other side. Fred cleared his throat before they all got carried away. He removed his bucket, as it seemed to be polite.

"Hello?" he said.

"Greetings," boomed the leader again. "I am Sir Galahad. And we–" He waved his hand expansively – "we are the Knights of Cake, Defenders of Donuts, Kings of the Crumpet." The men all struck a pose, flexing muscles and rolling back their sleeves to expose bulging biceps.

"Woah," said Alice. The one with the biggest muscles, and the shiniest hair, blew a tuft out of his eyes and gave her a dazzling smile. They were all rather good looking, ranging in age from their early thirties to early middle age. Being partial to ladies, and used to being around beautiful people Fred was not so dazzled that he did not take note of the rather vicious assortment of weaponry the knights were all sporting. He squinted at Sir Galahad, using Identify.

[Sir Galahad, Reaver, Level 9]

"What the hell is a Knight of Cake?" asked Alice, shaking her head, as if to clear the cobwebs from her brain.

One of the knights, who was scrutinizing Fred's party just as carefully as Fred was scrutinizing them leant forward and shook his head at Sir Galahad.

"Tutorial mode," he muttered.

"We pledge alliance to the Cake," said Sir Galahad, ignoring him, "and the Plate on which it stands, one pastry, irresistible, with filling and servings for all."

"The Barons of Banana Bread," said one.

"The Princes of Pound," said another.

"We like to fuck," said the last one, slightly younger than the rest, with flaming red hair. Everyone turned to stare at him. He shrugged, and his cheeks reddened. "What? Am I not supposed to come right out and say it?"

"Innuendo, only, Maurice," said Sir Galahad from between gritted teeth. "How many times–" He turned back to the group and dived down to kiss Joan's hand, and then swept down to grab Alice by her fingers. "I do apologize, my fair ladies." He winked at Fred. "Maurice is young and ill-mannered...do not judge us all by the crassness of his tongue. He is but a poor wretch. A novice. He is still in training. Forgive him."

"What exactly are the Knights of Cake," said Joan, while Alice snatched her hand back and wiped it on the back on her trousers. The blond knight looked nonplussed.

"Why, they are we! And we are them," he said, tossing his hair again. Hugo let out a sigh. Joan was looking speculative and Fred didn't blame her. The big blonde one was making him almost as weak at the knees as the first time he had seen Aragorn bust open those doors in the movie version of The Two Towers, looking all beardy and roguish and... Fred shook his head and wondered how high their charisma was.

"We help those in distress," said Sir Galahad.

"We bring joy and teacakes to those in need," said another.

"Can we help you?" asked Maurice, apparently eager to make up for his gaff. "Do you need assistance? Some chocolate cake? An éclair?"

"Do you have an éclair?" asked Joan, curiously.

"We would hardly offer," said Sir Galahad, haughtily, "if the delivery of the baked goods was not within our ability."

They all looked at each other. Fred shrugged.

"We are fine," he said. "But thank you."

"I wouldn't mind an éclair," said Hugo.

"We are fine," repeated Fred, firmly. There was something about the Knights of Cake that made him pause.

"We shall meet again!" said Sir Galahad, lifting his helm back into place. "Come on, lads!"

And with that they were gone, their horses churning the grass beneath their hooves to sod.

"Come on then," said Joan, shaking her head, and they all turned and continued on their way towards Merry Plebbingtons.

"What is everyone's obsession with baked goods?" mused Hugo out loud.

Alice69 Level 1

Class: Rogue ♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥

XP: 20

HP:14 [1 Flattering Trousers + 2 Pirate Blouse + 2 Ordinary Belt +1 Leather Belt + 2 Fancy Belt + 1 Boring Knickers +1 Boring Bra + 2 Bronze Dagger+ 2 Plain Dagger]

+1 Charisma (Flattering Trousers)

+5 Sneak

+ 4 Lockpicking

+6 Thieving

+1 Cooking

Hugo Balls Level 1

Class: Wizard ♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥

XP: 25

HP: 16 [3 Nice Boots (+1 Charisma) + 1 Tatty Wizard's Robes + 1 Tolerable Undies + 5 Holy Socks (+3 Mana) Bless by Tim God of Hygge +4 Sharp Kitchen Knife + 2 Mundane Wand (+ 3 Mana)]

Mana: 6/6

Bonus: Luck

+1 Charisma (from Nice Boots)

+ 1 Herbalism

+1 Firemaking

+1 Cooking

Epic Failure Level 1

Class: Barbarian ♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥

XP: 18

HP: 49 [20 Shimmering Chainmail Shirt of Protection + 2 Comfortable Bra + 2 Cotton Knickers + 10 Sturdy Boots + 4 Self Cleansing Cotton Undershirt +2 Sensible Leggings +3 Practical Undershirt + 2 Boring Socks +4 Spoon of Destiny]

Bonus: ????

+2 Herbalism

+1 Cooking