“Hi Hilly!” the monster cried cheerfully as it shoved a pair of razor-sharp thumbs into the dwarf’s eyes. “I read your message. It was very well written!”

Okay, I officially don’t understand how my religion works, Hilda thought as she let go of the roof and floated toward the terrified human, who couldn’t decide whom to shoot, the ghoul munching on his ally’s face or the dwarf about to land on him.

A bolt whistled past her and shattered against the roof.

“By the sanctity of the moon, I rebuke thee!” the human shouted as he presented his inverse holy symbol at the purple nudist advancing toward him. The ghoul stopped and snarled at him. It was clear she was struggling against some unseen power pushing her to her knees. Struggling with very little success. Yeah, as if this ghoul ever resisted anyone pushing her to her knees…

Hilda rolled her eyes and chopped the man’s hand off. He fell to his knees, cradling his bleeding stump. “Mercy!” he cried.

“Nope.” Hilda said and plunged her sword into his chest. It bit through the breastplate as if it was butter. The man’s eyes widened and he collapsed to the floor in a fetal position.

Hilda frowned at the corpse. That frown hurt so much she actually lost another hit point just from the pain and the bleeding. Why does every random asshole in this dungeon must have a fanciful tale? Some DMs really have too much time on their hands…

“Oh no!” Philly shouted as Hilda carefully removed her helmet. “Your face!”

Before Hilda had time to protest, Philly grabbed her by the ears and started licking the wound on her cheek.

“Stop it!” Hilda hissed, careful to only use the left side of her face. “Your saliva is pois--” Hilda stopped talking as she noticed the pain in her face decreasing.

The ghoul crossed her arms and pouted. “My salvia is anesthetizing. You’ll look like you had a stroke for a while, but at least it won’t hurt as much.”

The dwarf’s frown deepened. It only hurt a little bit.

The sound of twisting metal and exploding pins caused the two women to turn around. The bleeding man on the floor was changing, his smooth skin becoming furry, his face becoming long and feral, his muscles bulging, his severed hand regrowing and both hands turning into massive paws with claws that made Philly’s look ladylike.

“Oh, for the love of the Goddess, will this encounter never end!” Hilda slurred through her semi-paralyzed mouth.

“Oh no!” Philly cried and crouched by the dwarf. “A werewolf!”

“Indeed!” the beast spoke in a voice like two giants burping in unison. “The curse of the dark side of the moon runs deep in my blood. Now witness, the mighty power of--”

“Nope,” Hilda said. “Nope, nope, nope.”

The werewolf towered over the two females, its massive paws seemingly encompassing the whole room.

“What do you mean by this?” the werewolf growled. “Dare you beg for the mercy you’ve denied me?”

“Nope,” Hilda said as she raised her holy symbol and prepared to cast the first second level spell of her life.

“You’re going to turn me into an even bigger wolf?” Philly asked excitedly, clasping her hands to her heart.

Hilda sighed and whispered “I’m surrounded by idiots” before hastily adding, “Not you, my Goddess. You’re the best!” She then quickly uttered the words of the spell as the massive lupine humanoid advanced on her.

“Fool!” the thing roared, “you’ve cast--”

“Remove curse.” Hilda said flatly as she continued to retreat from the monster. “I know. I’ve freed you from the curse of lychenropy. You’re welcome.”

“What?!” the werewolf roared in a voice that was suddenly nowhere near as impressive. “But I want to be a--” Within seconds, he shrunk back to a naked human, nowhere near as hairy as a dwarf man and certainly not a giant killer werewolf. Absurdly, the first thing he did was to protect his modesty by cupping his privates.

“I s-s-surrender.” He stammered.

“Good for you!” Hilda announced and cleft him to the teeth with her sword.

“You didn’t have to do this…” Philly said, looking wistfully at the naked corpse. “He surrendered. He was no longer a danger to us. He said he had a cool story to--”

“Oh!” the dwarf shouted at the ghoul, who shrunk from the sudden onslaught and spray of pink saliva. “I should have waited until he was a danger again?! I have less than 10 hit points left because of these morons and one of my main ability scores has been reduced. Fuck them and their backstory.”

Hilda kicked the corpse. “How many times do I have to tell you people: Good isn’t nice.”

Philly shrugged off the murder like it was a joke she didn’t get. “What now?”

“Now, since you’re counted among the faithful, apparently, I bestow upon you the quest of finding Medvak and bringing him back here. Meanwhile, I’ll probably waste all my remaining spell slots on healing my, um, everything.”

The ghoul saluted in the human style, by raising her hand to her brow. “What shall be my reward for the completion of this quest, Hilly?”

“You’ll address me by my title, which is, um, written in the book somewhere, and you’ll obey me without question.” Hilda replied, hating herself more with every word. She really didn’t want to be anyone’s boss, but she could no longer ignore half her character sheet.

The ghoul crossed her arms under her breasts and shook her head. “When heroes go on quests for their ladies, there’s always some reward involved, usually of a sexual nature. I read it in a book.”

So much for commanding the faithful…

“I’ll remove the curse of ghoulism from you.”

The tilted her head from side to side as if considering the offer. “Hmmm… I actually kinda like being a ghoul. You get to--”

Hilda rolled her eyes and sighed. “Ahh! Fine. And you can feel my boob.”

“Yay!” The ghoul cried and galloped out the door. “I’m a character! I’m on a quest!”

“One boob!” Hilda shouted in her wake. “Through my tunic!” The ghoul was too far away to hear.

Hilda sat on the treasure pile and leaned her elbows on her knees and her face in her palms. Her career as a chosen of the goddess was off to a famous start. Famous as in she’ll star in many jokes. Maybe even a cautionary tale or two. Not the kind of famous described in the holy texts or the tales since before the Disaster. Well, maybe elven holy texts…

Current Loot

Purse (750 gp)

Silver cup (750 gp)

+2 sword (2000 gp)

Ornate Box (1800 gp)

Gold Cup (2500 gp)

Progress: 78%