Philly placed both hands on the altar and closed her eyes. When she opened them, they shone with malevolent yellow light. The magic emanating from the low level monster was so overwhelming that Hilda and Medvak both took a step back despite neither having the detect magic special ability. Both felt like if they stepped any closer to the source of the magic, they’d be physically burned.

“The Dungeon Master greets you,” Philly said in a slow and formal cadence. “He wishes to know if you desire to become a denizen of this room and a guardian of its wealth?”

“I do.” Hilda said without a moment’s hesitation because if she hesitated, it would be for far more than a moment.

“Hilda, don’t…” Medvak whispered. “Come with me. We can--”

“Shhhh!” Hilda hissed sideways, her eyes never leaving the ghoul’s burning gaze. She hadn’t experienced such power since she’d faced her goddess last night. She hoped not to make a habit of it.

Philly went on with her booming sermon. “Turn to the dark side of the moon and become cursed with spells and powers unknown to your race.” After a moment, Philly added in her normal bubbly voice. “You’ll also get a sexy do over! Dark makeup, black armor, lace--”

“Philly.” Hilda sighed carefully. “Now’s really not the time. Tell the Dungeon Master that I don’t want to convert. I am not looking to become a permanent resident. I just want to rent a place.”

“Rent?” Medvak asked, his eyebrows shooting so high it was a wonder they didn’t make a hole in the ceiling.

“Yes.” Hilda said, “I want to make some changes to this cave. Replace the normal door with a fortified secret door and connect the tunnel beyond the altar to the forest above with a secret passage.” She swallowed and glanced at the ghoul apprehensively. “Um, if the Dungeon Master permits, of course.”

Philly frowned and said in her normal voice, “Are you sure you want to say this to the Dungeon Master? It can be understood like you don’t approve of his dungeon design. It’s not a good idea to piss off a dungeon master in his own dungeon…”

“Hey,” Hilda said, raising a stern finger into the air. “If I didn’t like his dungeon, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I only want to make this great dungeon a little greater.” She pointed at the ghoul. “Tell him that.”

Philly nodded and shut her eyes. After a moment, she said in her commanding voice, “He’d like to hear more.” Then she opened her eyes and smiled. “Well done, Hilly!”

“Okay.” The dwarf started pacing around the room to get the blood flowing to her brain and to keep her mind off her bladder. She hadn’t been so tense since she presented her thesis to her Prayer Master, having read only a few pages from her textbook in the morning before the exam and done her homework just once, while trapped inside a cave with nothing better to do. To this day, she couldn’t believe she passed her exam with only a handful of insults thrown in her direction by the taciturn cleric. Well, there was a shoe thrown in her direction as well, but… nevermind.

Of course, the worst a teacher could do was fail her and then beat her with a shoe. A Dungeon Master, well. By the time a pissed off Dungeon Master would be done with her, she’d probably be a shoe. Hilda never planned to be a good example, but she didn’t intend to be a terrible warning either. She just wanted a nice little domain of her own, even if it wasn’t really her own.

“Okay,” she said again to calm her nerves and bring her mind back into focus. Philly smiled at her encouragingly and Medvak studied her curiously. Alas, it wasn’t the horny ghoul behind those burning yellow eyes that Hilda had to sell the idea to. It was a power beyond any mortal’s comprehension. A passing grade would not do. Hilda had to ace it.

“I’ve spent enough time in your dungeon to know that you’re a storyteller, an artist. This isn’t just a meat grinder: it’s a conceptual masterpiece.”

Hilda looked at Philly to try to estimate the effect of her introduction on the Dungeon Master. There was no discernable emotion in the fierce glare, though, only fierceness and glareness. Neither matched the ghoul’s otherwise warm expression.

The dwarf took a deep breath and went on. “Having only combat encounters is boring. We both understand this. That’s why so many of your monsters have such, um, interesting and memorable backgrounds. Most adventurers don’t care though. They see a monster, they kill it. All these lovely details you put so much effort into go to waste,” Hilda lowered her eyes, shook her head, and pretended to be angry. “Your genius is lost on these morons. It’s pearls before swine.” The dwarf paused to let her fake compliment sink in. “So it’s not enough to just have interesting combat encounters. You want to have other kinds of encounters to spice things up.” The dwarf inflated her chest, raised her chin and pointed at herself with a steel-clad thumb. “I’m that encounter.”

Medvak looked at her uneasily. For a few moments, the only sound in the room was the trickle of water. Hilda really, really wished she’d have taken a bathroom break before this presentation.

“He’s listening,” Philly said reassuringly. “It’s so exciting! We'll be roomies! we'll have naked pillow fights and--” She winced, as if some powerful presence yelled at her to stop talking or it will do to her things that even she wouldn’t enjoy.

Hilda took it as a sign to go on. “If you let me stay here, behind a secret door, I could really spice things up. Imagine,” Hilda spread her hands as if framing the mental image she was about to paint. “Sometimes parties will find this secret door and there will be this healer dwarf living in this gorgeous underground hut in the center of all this death and suffering. She’ll provide healing and wise advice. More importantly,” Hilda raised a stubby finger into the air. By the Goddess she needed to pee. “It’d be a very cool and memorable encounter with a unique story.”

The ghoul remained silent. Hilda’s throat suddenly became parched and she swallowed uneasily. “Even better, if someone finds the entrance in the forest, they’ll be able to start the dungeon from the middle, making it a totally different experience. Or just meet the nice and colorful dwarf in her fairytale abode… That’s cool too and will earn you credit since, um, eh--”

“Stop.” Philly said softly. Her placid face broke into a grin that exposed rows of sharp teeth as well as some other parts that smiles weren’t supposed to show. “He agrees.”

“He does?!” Hilda asked, surprised at how surprised she felt. “I mean, yes, of course, absolutely! He’ll be very happy once he sees what I have in mind.” Hilda waved her beloved notebook in the air. “I have it all planned!” Had it all planned since I learned to talk…

Philly hopped off the altar and headed for the dwarf and the human. As she walked, the horrific glow slowly left her gaza, replaced with the ghoul’s usual black luster. Nevertheless, the two lights still burned in Hilda’s eyes, like the aftervision left in the wake of looking at the sun. Philly started to say something, but Hilda interrupted her.

“There’s something I need to do outside now. It’s very urgent!” The dwarf dashed outside, leaving the ghoul and the barbarian to exchange surprised looks.

“Should we…?” Philly pointed at the door by tilting her head.

Medvak shook his head. “I don’t think she’d like that…”

After a while, the barbarian turned to look at the anxious ghoul. “So,” he scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. ”Have you heard the story about the totemic bear and the man with a snake in his head?”

“No, but it sounds very interesting! Tell me all about it!”

Medvak smiled. “Okay, so in the forest of--”

Hilda clanged back into the room, looking relaxed . She beckoned Medvak to come closer by curling her index finger. The huge man took a knee to allow the dwarf to whisper into his ear.

“Medvak?”

“Hm?”

“Make sure no one, and I mean no one, ever, ever finds that secret door. Last thing I need is to wipe the snot off some snot-nosed adventurers.”