It wasn't the best of starts. The tools and means were already right there laid out for me. I had an audience in waiting too, a front-row view that ensured that not a single thing can go amiss, not a single mistake, and definitely not a single failure.

I could feel all eyes on me - it felt like each stare made me heavier, and with every second's passed of nothing but just dead air, that weight just kept on piling up.

Ten minutes in and it was as if my knees were actually starting to sink into the floor. Twenty minutes had heavy bags of sands being placed around my arms, adding even more onto that persisting sinking feeling.

It was not a good feeling.

I didn't even realize how heavy I was sweating until I tasted a hint of saltiness at the tip of my tongue trying to dampen my dry crinkled lips. Beads of sweat splattered into the circle.

The night was cool and humid, the type of night you'd put on a wooly jacket for - must have been the coolest night we had all month, yet I was melting away as if the sun was burning its brightest yet.

Irene told me this would happen. I was supposed to do something if it happens… didn't matter if I spent minutes, hours on the setup, if I felt myself burning, I had to -

"Start over," Irene barked, only now without the fervor I was accustomed to hearing with her every command. "I told you you can't force it."

I wasn't forcing it. It just… sorta happened. Like I said, not the best of starts. Certainly ain't the most inspiring of one either.

The moment I dropped my arms they went straight to sagging. That was only twenty minutes of trying, not even doing, how is it that my arms didn't feel like my arms anymore?

"Your arms," Irene crept a bit closer, not doing too well keeping that strict tone there. "Can you still lift them?"

She wasn't the only one creeping either.

"Master, perhaps you should..." Ash trailed off and walked closer, perhaps a bit too close. "It is not advised to start again so soon after the last."

That's not what Irene told me. Theoretically, I can keep going on so long as I can still lift my arms and have enough magic to push me through. If they sagged, it was an indicator I was losing a heavy amount of magic, if I continued I'd just lose even more until I didn't have any more to lose.

But I still had more, I can still lift my arms.

"Whose advice?" I asked lightly, holding back a chuckle. "Your advice?"

The footsteps stopped, and you know what - the look of shame and guilt had never looked more green and bright. I'm not sure a servant was supposed to be lying to her master.

Ash, you sure did pick the most crucial time to start lying now. If only you had started sooner, I could have appreciated it much sooner.

"Keep back, alright?" I told her, raising these lifeless limbs of mine back to position. "I'll be done soon."

This struggle, this risk, this was still just a lesson, I was still just learning - persevering, and I will persevere.

You think you're hot shit, Jay? Must think I won't be able to pull through, don't you? If you're watching, don't look away. If you're laughing, then keep laughing… cause you won't be for much longer.

You don't frighten me, you don't even intimidate me. Get a cane, limp a leg, and wear a tux - you'll find I'll be quaking in my shoes before you know it. But right now as you are, you're no boogie man, just a bully, man.

So no, I'm not backing down from this. I'm just annoyed that I have to do this, that you made me do this. You don't scare me, you anger me… and usually, I'm all for forgive and forget.

If I can forgive being killed, then pretty sure I can shake hands with just about anything.

Somehow Jay, you're the only exception to that. I won't forgive nor will I ever forget. Instead, I'll just hate, I'll relish the thought of you dead… I'll smile at the prospect of being the one to do that.

Just like how dear ol' Mom would have wanted it.

Decades of magical education yet you still fucked your summoning at the start. Well, let me show you what I can do with just a night. Watch and learn, you sorry excuse of a Magus.

You're about to see how it's really done.

Focus - a ball thrown, a ball gone.

Determination - magic tangible, weavable, let it encompass all, every inch, past the legs, past the neck, don't cut, don't break, and don't choke.

Intent - easy to have one, difficult to wield one, will one, push through, break through, your will must be stronger than any other, make everything that was against align, do not fight, dominate.

Lastly, desire… just hate, just despise, just think to destroy, think the worst of whatever it is you focus on, find joy in destroying it, shredding it, keep focusing, keep smiling… then eventually, sooner or later…

There it was. I could feel it, dead center of the circle like a trapdoor slowly creaking open, like my hands themselves were prying open the empty air in front of me.

My head was reeling - that was good, real good. Let it happen, let it consume your thoughts, let it feed off it, the memories you have, the knowledge you hold.

The entire history of you.

Twenty-fours years of age. A human of Fey blood. Orphaned. Left for dead. Saved in Blight. Lived in death. Speaker. Listener. Arbiter. Sera Nas.

Get your ass over here.

Circle's flashing, the outer rings pulsating, I don't remember being told anything would glow. But a look to the left, a glance to the right, and I knew was at the right track.

Those disbelieving stares, Irene visibly clenching her jaw, Ash clasping both hands tight. Their voice lost to the sight before them.

With the only exception being -

"He's doing it!" Amanda's voice was like a needle through the eardrums being chucked in and out, repeatedly, "So close! He's close! Come on!"

It was starting to smoke - the paint, like sulfur set ablaze, thick, blinding, suffocating. The whole room was shrouded in an instant. I knew this phase, this reaction - it meant I was close. So close.

Memories taking form. Knowledge given life.

My eyes, staring… but they weren't seeing, there were watching, a projector of the mind on a blank canvas.

A girl in a violet cloak. I saw her… I saw the blood pooling, soaking her bare feet. I saw what she saw, felt what she felt - she didn't know what that feeling was, so I didn't know either… she just knew it hurts, and I knew it hurt too.

When she walked forward, the blood splattered with her… it was everywhere, the walls of gold and white, the floor with its glossy, shimmering finish… how they reflected so crystal-clear.

The many faces contorted in horror, the lifeless stares wide-open in their final moments. Scattered legs, mangled arms… spears, swords, still clutched tight in unmoving grips.

One body, two bodies… too many. I couldn't how many, neither could she. Her cloak soaked deeper as she bent over, I saw her reach through blurring vision at a face that looked much like hers.

Only much older, only without the yellow eyes, the purple hair… only dead. A crown was still perched atop her head. Sera didn't see the crown, Sera didn't care for her dress how adorn it was with the finest of silks, the rings shimmering and glittering, she didn't see.

A whimper. Sera couldn't speak, she was trying to… she was doing her best, she wanted to say it… how many days she spent practicing it just for this one moment, for this one chance.

That chance was gone. As was she.

If only she could speak.

Still, there was only a whimper… I whimpered, I could say it… I could speak it.

"Mother."

I could feel my tears fall along with hers. When she reached for her hand, I did too. But there was no warmth when she clutched it. Sera let herself be held by those arms, just as she was so long ago… the only memory, the only sensation she knew.

It wasn't there.

There still was no warmth.

The smoke swirled, curled, like tendrils intertwining, forming a spiraling pillar that reached all the way up high. What came with it was a glow, a flicker… a beacon of light shining from within.

"You're almost there!" Irene was the one shouting this time, abandoning all reserves. "You're almost - !"

I knew why she suddenly stopped, why she suddenly gasped. She wasn't the only one too. Ash was taking those steps again, even though I told her to keep back, even after I explicitly said to stay in place.

My arms were sagging again.

Disobeying orders. That's another first.

You're being… awfully disloyal today, aren't you?

Just stay.

I can do it.

I will do it.

Only a bit more.