Chapter 4

This was it. Leon stood by the railing on the cruise liner going out to sea. In his note to Jane, he said he’d gone on a journey, just like Jerry. That he’d be out of touch for a while. To live his life.

It felt ironic, but he couldn’t stand the thought of his sister going through dealing with another death so soon. He should have stayed for the funeral, but he knew he couldn’t bear looking upon his thinning family. He’d seen enough already.

Leon looked at the port as the ferry started its engines and began its journey. His mind kept racing, and would probably continue until they were so far out to sea that no one could help him. He’d have to go out in the middle of the night to keep watchful eyes from him. A few passengers entered the deck and looked over the railing, toward land. A grandparent lifted a small child in a pink dress so she could wave at the city they departed from.

Leon closed his eyes and went inside to look at the menus, and to count the time to when he’d die. He wandered past the first two restaurants and settled at the third. Burgers. Unimaginative, but delicious. He ordered a meal and sat down.

“Leon?” a voice said. “Is that you?”

Leon lowered the burger and looked around. “Sarah?”

His childhood friend wiped her hands on the apron and approached the table. Her blonde hair was set in a bun and she wore a gray chef’s outfit. Her edgy face and wide eyes hadn’t changed much since last time. “It is you! Gosh, how long has it been? Ten years?”

“Something like that.” Leon forced a smile. “I didn’t know you worked on a boat.”

“Started yesterday. It’s something else to be out at sea, isn’t it?” She grabbed the opposite chair and sat, leaning an elbow on the table. “How are you doing?”

“Fine.” Leon wished she’d just leave. He didn’t need any distractions or witnesses.

“This brings back the memories from old times, doesn’t it?” Sarah smiled and stole a french fry. “You know, I saw your dad a week ago. Gosh, he’s changed.”

That sent a pang through Leon’s body. He didn’t want to know what that bastard was up to. “Well, as you said, it’s been more than ten years. People change. What have you been doing?”

“Chef school. Then, I’ve been working here and there.” She plopped the potato strip into her mouth. “I wondered what it would be like to live on a boat, so here I am. And what about you?”

”I—”

“Sarah, come. Need your help,” a voice called from the kitchen.

Sarah flew up from the chair. “Coming!” She turned to Leon. “Lunch tomorrow? Catch up? It’ll be my treat.”

Before Leon could answer, she’d dashed away to the kitchen. He hoped she wouldn’t be too disappointed when he didn’t show up.

He finished his burger and returned to his cabin. He hadn’t packed anything to do, or anything else, so he slept instead. He didn’t want to risk running into someone else that just happened to be on the boat.

He awoke at eleven that night and stretched out. His heart pounded. The hour was closing in. At one o’clock, there wouldn’t be any people outside. This wasn’t a party cruise, so there should be enough space and privacy to do what he intended. He had the conviction.

Still, he walked up a floor to the bar. Five people were there, sitting at the round tables. He ordered a shot of vodka, then another. Just in case. He could afford to splurge a little.

“Hey, I didn’t expect you to be here now,” Sarah said. She’d switched her chef’s outfit for jeans and a cardigan, and her hair sat in a ponytail. “I’ve heard that the first night is always the least busy, because people are tired from journeying to the port.”

Leon cursed in his head. “I’ve slept.”

Sarah looked around him. “You’re here alone?”

“Yeah.” Leon started walking away from the bar.

“Oh, don’t be like that.” She grabbed after his arm, but fell short after Leon took half a step back. “Let’s have a drink. Catch up on some things.” She grabbed his shoulder and searing pain shot through the muscles.

He bit his tongue and breathed in deeply. “Sorry, but I have somewhere to be.”

Sarah chuckled. “On a cruise ship? I mean, there’s nowhere to go.”

Leon forced a smile. “I’d love to catch up, but maybe another time.”

Sarah pouted. “Fine.” Then she narrowed her eyes. “You’re not up to something illegal, are you?”

Leon looked at her, stunned. “No, I don’t think so. There’s just this thing I need to do.”

“So tomorrow—you up for lunch?”

Leon spun to face her. “Sarah, it’s really nice to see you again, but I won’t meet you. I’ll probably be cooped up in my cabin for most of the trip. Another time, maybe.”

“Alright, then.” She swallowed. “I guess I’ll head off to bed.”

“Take care.” Leon sucked in a breath as Sarah left. Their families had been close until his family found out about their disease, and it wasn’t nice that the last thing he’d do in life was to push away a friend that he’d been so close to. But he needed to do this, and he didn’t need those painful memories.

Painful memories. That’s why he didn’t hang out with the friends he’d had before. The looks of pity in their eyes when they knew he was dying from an untreatable disease had been too much. This wasn’t the time to make new bonds, or to rediscover lost ones.

He ordered a third shot of vodka and let the warmth flow through his stomach before he ventured out onto the deck. Some people stood talking by the railing, puffing on smokes. Leon waited for them to go inside and approached the fence.

The foaming surface seemed awfully far down. He swallowed and checked the time on his phone. Almost twelve. It should be enough. The sound of the rotors would cover up the splash.

His heart beat so loud he couldn’t hear anything else. It was a moonless night, but the stars shone. He put a foot on the first rung of the railing and climbed up to the top one, holding fast to the metal beam at his side. Leon breathed in the salty air and looked into the swirls of dark sea that would take him under. Hopefully, he’d die without too much pain.

He stepped out and felt the heady rush of losing one’s footing while rushing into the black waves. No one would find him out here. The ocean was too vast. He’d just… disappear.