The button has dinged. The cow is gone.

Where has it gone? How did it get into that room in the first place?

Well, you’ll never know. I’m not going to tell you.

...Mostly because I don’t know. But even if I did know, I wouldn’t tell you. I’m pretty sure that’s one of the things covered in the NDA.

Anyways! Instead of a cow, there’s a table!

It’s not the fanciest table in the world, just one of those plastic fold-up things used for conventions and parties and whatnot. There isn’t even a tablecloth on it.

What is on it, then? A stupidly complicated coffee making thing!

There’s a bag of Dunkin’ Donuts ground espresso beans next to it, along with all the milk and chocolate products you’d need to make basically any espresso-related drink. Including half a pint of vanilla ice cream! And a set of fancy cups on the other side! And a complete lack of instruction manuals.

Have you ever used a machine like this?

Statistically, the answer was going to be no. Given the human population vs number of coffee shops in the world (even adding in all the Starbucks shops), it is unlikely that you specifically have ever worked in one.

But that leads us to another question: do you know how to work this machine anyways, or are you fairly confident you could figure it out?

You are not. You don’t handle machines like this well.

But, apparently, you are expected to make yourself something.

of the chocolate sauce or condensed milk over it. Or both, because why not?

It’s pretty good quality ice cream. You enjoy it.

It’s gone all too quickly. Now what?

Welllllll… It can’t be too hard, can it?

Or can it?

You pick up the bag of ground espresso beans and… No, that’s where the milk goes. That’s where the… ok, I don’t know what goes there, but it’s not where the coffee goes.

THERE! That one! Yes!

You pour the grounds into the little cup thingy, and flatten it down so that the cup slides back into place. Good job.

Next you make sure there’s water in the water tank (there is), put a cup where you think a cup should go, and push the start button.

Strange noises come from the machine. It takes a minute, but finally espresso starts to dribble into the cup. It smells quite good.

You prefer coffee black. Not particularly needing anything to be added to this espresso, you drink it as it is.

Not daring to use the machine to do anything to the milk, you pour some straight from the jug into the cup. After a brief stir with a spoon you enjoy your…

Hmm. It’s either a “flat white” or a “cafe con leche”. I think the difference is the cream content of the milk? Either way it’s espresso and milk. You enjoy it.

You’re the type of person who can’t drink coffee unless it’s sweet. There aren’t any syrups here, so the only sweetening option is condensed milk.

You put a spoonful into the cup, stir, stir a bit more, then drink your cafe bombon, as the fancy Italian people call it.

You’re more of a tea drinker, really. Coffee is too bitter.

That or caffeine does weird things to you.

Either way, you have accomplished your goal of making something with the fancy machine. Congratulations.

Heck yeah you can do this! You love fiddling with fancy machines like this! Let’s do it!

You look over the machine, pulling levers and looking at all the cups. At first glance it’s complicated, sure, but with some logic and common sense you can easily figure it out.

You decide to make a latte.

First is the espresso itself. You put grounds from the bag into one of the cups and slide it into place. Then you put a cup under that, and push the on button. The machine starts gurgling, but you’re pretty sure it’s supposed to do that.

Next comes the milk. There are two milk things here; one has a little spring on the end, so you presume that’s the thing that makes the froth. You don’t need froth for a latte, so you fill up the mini stainless steel pitcher with milk and put it under the other milk thing. With the turn of a knob it starts steaming the milk.

Soon you have a cup of espresso and a mini pitcher of steamed milk.

You pour the milk artfully into the cup and create… something that in no way resembles a leaf. Or heart. Or whatever it was you were trying to draw.

You do have a latte though, and a fairly good one. Well done.

Of course you have! There are thirty three thousand Starbucks retail locations in the world (give or take a hundred), and that takes a lot of employees. And that’s not mentioning all the other coffee brands in the world, which probably adds ten thousand or so shops with that type of machine in it.

And, of course, you can’t discount the number of private homes that have an espresso machine in it, because some people really like espresso. Or they just have extra money and want to show off.

No matter where you used one, it isn’t surprising that you have used one. You know how to work this thing.

So you get to work! What do you make?

Wow, you sure put a lot of effort into that! Good job! You turned all those knobs, pressed all the buttons, and...

Just drank it. Without adding anything.

Boring.

I have a personal dislike of americanos.

I go to a cafe, ask if they have non-espresso coffee, and they always tell me "no, but we can make an americano, it's basically the same thing!"

It is not the same thing! It is completely different! It is, in fact, watered-down espresso. And I resent that. Give me regular coffee, or a latte. I will not accept anything watered down.

Just, don't. Why do these exist. Make them go away.

Here we go! Espresso! Milk! Foam! All the good things.

Aren't lattes the things everyone on the internet makes fancy art with? Why do they use lattes specifically? Can't they use cappuccinos or something? Altho I suppose "latte art" is easier to say than "cappuccino art".

You turn the top of your latte into a lovely heart. How fancy. Well done.

This... looks a lot like a latte, but with half and half instead of milk.

I'm gonna have to try that one of these days.

Altho not soon, because it's still close to October, and pumpkin spice is still a thing. Have to wait for that to be gone before I try anything new.

Coffee and milk.

Or, rather, espresso and milk.

An old, familiar standby. Can't go wrong with it.

Well, this certainly looks interesting. Instead of milk or foam, you just fill the cup up with whipped cream! ...Over the espresso, of course.

Yum!

Why is it called a "Vienna"? I have no clue. That's just what it says on the list of things to make with espresso.

Here we go! Espresso! Milk! Foam!

But in equal measure, making it completely different from a latte. Clearly.

Espresso and foam.

Ehhhhh I don't get it. At that point, why not just add milk? But hey, you do you.

Aha! The ice cream has finally come into play!

And also chocolate syrup, because why not?

All the good things. Basically a desert. Enjoy.

Espresso! More espresso! And why not a third espresso?

With a layer of foam, to add some color.

You may or may not have an addiction to caffiene.

Might want to get help.

Wait, there isn't any ice. What are... Oh, you add ice cream. Ok.

So, the recipe I have here says "equal ammounts of espresso and ice cream, then half a shot of whipped cream and chocolate syrup each". You mix up the chocolate, whipped cream and espresso, and pour it over the ice cream. Which, while I would certainly not object to receiving that if I ordered iced coffee, is not what I'd imagine iced coffee to be.

I suspect the person who wrote this book just really likes ice cream.

Espresso with cinnamon, apparently. And whipped cream. Because the person who wrote this book also really likes whipped cream.

A shot of espresso! A shot of chocolate syrup! And some foam for color.

Nice!

Equal parts espresso, milk, foam, and chocolate. A classic, for those with a sweet tooth.

This seems to be a quarter espresso, a quarter caramel, and half milk.

I've never heard of it, but then I don't like caramel. Might be super popular. I wouldn't know.

Chocolate, espresso, milk and whipped cream in equal measures. I think I'm starting to see a pattern with these.

Half cream, half espresso. For the days when you want someting thick and heavy, but don't feel like chocolate, I guess.

This seems to be mostly foam, with a teeny splash of espresso for color. Basically an inverted macchiato.

You drink your concoction, and are satisfied.

Now that the cleaning crew will have to work for their pay, your job here is done.

DO YOU PRESS THE BUTTON? Yes No