Cute is subjective

Fuzzi was a strappygrab, a species of monster with a unique specialisation, that being ambush predation by means of cuteness. They triggered their prey’s nurturing instinct, got taken back to prey rich environments, then when the prey let their guard down BAM, lunchtime. At least that was the theory, and Fuzzi was out on his first hunt.

As a bonus, it was a bunch of humans, now that was lucky; from what he’d heard, humans were particularly tasty prey, and here was a whole pack. Now came the tricky bit, how to get close. Cutting the string wasn’t his doing, but if it led to lost prey, well, he was happy with that arrangement. Now all that was left to do was figure out the optimum cuteness.

Rumours helped a lot here; strappygrabs often shared ideas on how to hunt (but never prey, after all, what none of the others knew couldn’t hurt them, but if they knew it could hurt him a lot, scrums for prey got a little bit rough for his tastes.)

Ok, first off, big soulful eyes, well that one was easy; he shifted them in, then wracked his brain for what else. Oh, apparently, something called pawbeans was quite popular, that was a trickier one, but he’d figure it out.

Next up, cute fluffy ears, big ones. They could do that. Oh, there was a memo from Chompa, who had apparently learned the hard way that teeth on show was a negative (it had apparently taken an hour for the mob with torches and pitchforks to go away, but she’d managed to shake them in the end.) Oh, and from Murfle and Flurfle, there had been word that a cute cry was essential if you really wanted to find your way into their heart (or liver, kidneys, stomach, or any organ really.) Well, Fuzzi could figure that one out. Apparently, waggy tails had tested well in focus groups; well, that was easy too.

So now Fuzzi was ready for the real test; first off, appearing scared would make them appear more vulnerable and helpless; no real downside there. Now how best to appear like that, oh prey often hid themselves when scared, that should do the trick. But if they’re really going to buy that, the hiding needed to be credible. Being found too easily would definitely give the game away right off the bat. If needs be, they’d move before they were caught, act like real prey. Humans weren’t too bright; they’d buy that no problem.

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Mibbet was, suffice to say, not a happy bunny (even if her species, and by that, I mean both of them didn’t disqualify them from that particular term, them being decidedly not chuffed would do the job.) They’d started hearing human weeping from the undergrowth, louder and louder by the moment. Then as if that wasn’t already creep o rama all by itself, every time they got close to whatever the hell it was hiding in the undergrowth, it scuttled off. Only to show up again just out of sight and making enough noise to scare the runny poop out of her.

Mibbet was still a prey creature, and she knew what being stalked felt like; she was definitely being stalked. Meanwhile, Rosalind was reassuring her while being increasingly pissed off at whatever the hell it was that was making Mibbet so antsy. So they started to search until Errol let out an ear-piercing shriek as IT emerged from the bushes, making a bee line for them.

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Fuzzi was proud of himself he’d done the scared thing, now came phase two, with an extra cute cry, they opened their big soulful eyes wide and did their best to look scared, “look at me,” he thought to himself, “all cute and helpless, don’t you want to pick me up and take me back with you into your town? I won’t survive out here, I am baby, save me”.

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“what the spawnhopping froggod is that?” Mibbet shrieked as the thing lunged forward, eyes half the size of their head, “and why is it covered in human ears sprouting hair? Is that screaming people in the eyes? What the hell is wrong with their FEET. KILLITKILLITKILLIT” She slammed down choppy swinging wildly, form forgotten and outmatched by sheer pantwetting terror at the abomination that was before her. Errol was just frozen on the spot, barely able to process what they were seeing. Meanwhile, Sir Leeroy, who had seen many a fragged up thing in his day (mostly at the castle party, bloody wizards nobody should let em near booze, and dares should be banned for them, it only encourages them.) Jumped straight into the fight, followed shortly by a hooded Owl-bear. (Rascal chose to refrain from this fight on the grounds that whatever the hell that thing was, it did not look particularly tasty and wasn’t running away, and Addy was out on patrol.)

As if the damned thing wasn’t creepy enough already, it sprouted a bloody git scorpion tail from nowhere and started waving it about randomly, and it just kept coming.

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Fuzzi was confused; where had it gone wrong? Were the eyes not big enough? It tried making them bigger, only to be met with more shrieks. Maybe the pawbeans should have been haricot or berlotti, but kidney beans had such a lovely red colour and such a nice shape. Was it the ears? He was trying to appeal to a human, so it made no sense to choose a non-human shape for the ears, was fifty not enough for them? Maybe they wanted more. Oh, that was it, humans didn’t like teeth, but he did remember that according to cousin Rowf hanging your tongue out to one side would do it. That’s it; he was a genius.

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Mibbet and the others approached the thing cautiously after seeing it shift a few times; they had just about backed away to a safe distance when the lower half of the things head split open in four directions, and what looked like a tentacle emerged. At that, Rosalind and Mibbet finally SNAPPED...............

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Once Fuzzi got away, looking very much the worse for wear (he didn’t know his tentacles could bend that way without shapeshifting, and judging by how it felt, that was probably because they really couldn’t,) he decided that maybe he’d consider the benefits of vegetarianism.