《Romantically Apocalyptic》3: Ogling
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To anyone who finds this tooth memory card and the messages left within…
My name is Charles Snippy and I am probably the last sane human being left on Earth.
I know not whether you will understand this message.
I know not whether you'll even be able to decode the ones and zeros on this data card.
I know not whether my voice will ever reach anyone.
I know not whether the microscopic drives will last long enough, and whether the plastic and metal parts will not disintegrate into dust as centuries pass, or whether the titanium shell encasing them will remain in place or be consumed by the ever-changing landscape, lost forever.
And yet I still have hope that someone will find the story of my life, probably by now long past and learns something of use from it or perhaps be slightly enthralled by the tale of my doom.
If you are still human, then this will be a story about the collapse of the civilization of your forefathers through greed and arrogance.
If you are some other species entirely, then it is a story about how the human race was extinguished through our disregard for the balance of the planetary eco-sphere that gave us life through the long line of evolution.
My entire life's story is sealed within the confines of this card, in the form of daily journal entries starting from the day the Directorate dental bot cracked open my tooth, shoved the card in, and, through my tortured screams, promised
[-ONLY MILDLY PAINFUL RECOVERY-]
I've been narrating my life to myself as an exercise recommended long ago by an "online psychiatrist" as a way to "maintain sanity" in "highly stressful situations".
Why does sanity need to be maintained, you might inquire?
Well... My sanity is a force that is in balance with an equal and opposite reaction: the absolute insanity of my only friend. That friend is of course Zee Captain.
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Who is Zee Captain? Let me tell you all about Captain.
...Where to begin?
Well, this morning Captain discovered a pair of old Binoculars and dedicated the entire morning to the "FINE ART OF OGLING LADIES". Finding non-expired, non-radioactive food? No! Ogling ladies for hours on end is definitely far more important an objective than survival!
"SOON, MY PRECIOUS!"
"SOON... WE WILL BE TOGETHER!"
Captain proclaimed at a distant billboard that precariously hung on a thousand-floor skyscraper tower.
"I’VE BEEN SEARCHING THE RUINS FOR SUPPLIES
ALL DAY AND… WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
I snarled at Captain, annoyed at the utter waste of time that was happening here.
As the answer to my inquiry, Captain handed me a moldy, plastic binder.
I opened it to discover...
[GENTLEMAN'S RULES OF OGLING:
STEP I: WEAR YOUR FANCIEST WHITE TOP AND PANTALOONS
STEP II. ACQUIRE BINOCULAR DEVICE
STEP III. LOCATE OBJECT OF OGLING
STEP IV. OGLE
STEP V. MAKE APPROPRIATE GENTLEMANLY COMMENTARY TO YOUR LADY OF DESIRE
STEP VI. DISREGARD INSOLENT DISTRACTIONS ]
Where Captain keeps the antique typewriter that types only in fancy, squiggly capitals, I may never find out.
"Sigh... Are you still talking to that Billboard?"
I decided to approach the situation with light sarcasm.
"SHUT UP!"
Captain shushed me.
"I CAN'T HEAR WHAT SHE'S SAYING TO ME!" "That isn't even a real human being, you know. You're talking to a drawing. She can't answer you!"
I mentioned, in an attempt to dislodge Captain from "THE FINE ART OF OGLING".
"HOOMAN ELEMENT, YOU SAY? HMM... ZAT IS INDEED A DIS-PROPORTIONAL PICKLE REQUIRING RESOLUTIONS. SUCH IS TO BE PROCURED IMMEDIATELY!"
Upon this, the BINOCULAR DEVICE turned slowly 180 degrees and rested pointing straight at me. I wondered how long Captain was going to stare at me like that, and whether this was, to either of us, an improvement over the previous situation.
"M'YEES... THAT'LL DO..."
Was the last thing I heard before something like a sack of rock-hard potatoes hit me on the back of the head and all went dark.
...
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