"I AM TELLING YOU, ZEE MOON LANDING NEVER HAPPENED!"

I heard Captain's rumbling and came closer to investigate what the hubub was all about.

"ISN'T IT OBVIOUS? WAT DO YOU MEAN ZEE VIDENCE SAYS OTHERWISE? YOU ARE A BOOB TO BELIEVE SUCH NONSENSE!"

On second throught, I shoudn't have bothered. It was a skeleton. Captain was arguing with a skeleton. I decided to wait it out. I really wanted my gun back and had no clue where the two idiots hid it. Captain sat behind a dining table, facing a long dead occupant. The corpse wore a green, decayed, fraying vest. Two tea cups were positioned on the table itself. The mug closer to Captain had a peculiar design on it. It was white and featured a black band with a red heart in the middle. It looked far too clean, vibrant, unblemished and out of place, the friendly design clashing with the rest of the gloomy half-collapsed interior of a dining hall that looked out onto a half-collapsed concrete factory.

The skeleton's cup had a ladybug print on it. I saw steam emanating from both of the cups. It was worse than I expected. They made tea for the dead, but not for me!

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? I'LL KILL YOU!"

Captain suddenly shouted. The argument got so heated that the mugs got tipped over. I watched them fly, spinning in the air, silver liquid splattering. Damn, I could have used a nice, warm tea. On second thought, tea made by Pilot or Captain was probably best to avoid. That was probably mercury in there or something.

Having finished flipping tables in imaginary arguments, Captain marched towards me.

"ATTENTION: LOCAL RESIDENTS OF CAPTANIA!"

Captain announced just as I opened my mouth to speak.

"TODAY'S INFORMATIVE MEMO IS THAT OF THE INFINITELEY SAD TALE OF A MAN NAMED STEVE STEVENSON. STEVE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF THE HIGHEST FORM OF LUNAR TREASON: SPEAKING OUT LOUD OF THE MOON-RELATED ACTIVITIES!" "Hey, I finished the forms."

I tried to interject. Captain was not deterred. A framed portrait of a skeleton was shoved into my face. It looked suspiciously similar to the one that was served tea earlier.

"SUCH PUBLIC SPEECHES AND WONDERINGS WERE MOST PROHIBITED BY THE POWER OF GOOD-NESS!" "I just want my gun back! What is this?"

I tried to fight off the portrait, which was pressed tightly agaisnt my goggles, blocking the entirety of my view.

"FOR THIS PUBLICATION STEVE HAS BEEN PUT TO DEATH BY THE EXISTENTIAL DOOR.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE CASUALNESS OF THE EXISTENTIAL DOOR OR LUNAR TRAVEL! THINKING ABOUT THE DOOR WILL BRING IT FORTH."

Having concluded the senseless announcement, Captain stepped back, shoving the portrait into a coat pocket. Just as I was about to say something, I noticed a door behind Captain. An old, grimy, wooden door was standing upright amidst the frozen wasteland. Its metal, rusty handle glittered in the dim light. It was giving me the heebie-jeebies. It definitely wasn't there before. Snow started to fall.

"Stop messing with me and give me back my gun! Look, I filled out your stupid forms!"

I shook "CAPTANIA CITIZENSHIP" papers at Captain. I figured Pilot was probably behind the damn door, holding it up. Yes, that was it. I figured out their game.

"IF YOU INEXPLICABLY LOCATE THE SAID DOOR, IGNORE IT UNTIL IT GOES AWAY!"

"I'd love to ignore you morons!"

I shouted angrily at Captain. Captain ignored my outrage and grabbed the papers out of my hands, rapidly flipping through them.

"HMM HMM YES YES. WELL, THIS IS ALL IN GOODLY ORDER. WELCOME TO CAPTANIA, CITIZEN FOUR. YOU'LL FIND YOUR GUN IN LOCKER 30842034." "Locker of what? Where?"

I glared. I didn't bother asking who citizen three was. It was probably the damn skeleton.

"WHY THE CAPTANIA POST OFFICE, OF COURSE!"

I sighed. The "GET YOUR MAIL YESTERDAY POST OFFICE OF CAPTANIA" was bout 6 kilometers away. It was going to be a long walk.

"If something eats me on the way there, I'll be happy."

I grumbled, walking away from Captain and the spooky door. Occasionally I glanced back at it as I walked. It was definitely following me. I knew it! G-damn it, Pilot. I started to walk faster. The door followed, keeping pace.

"Go away! I have scissors!"

I yelled, brandishing the plastic scissors at the door. It was not deferred. It persistently followed me, gliding silently in my wake.

I dropped the scissors and started to run.