《Romantically Apocalyptic》13. Loot and Acceptance
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"I AM ZEE CAPTEIN OF ZEE WERLD! FIRE ZEE MISSILES!"
I heard Captain's voice echoing through the rusty holes of the ship from somewhere far above.
"THE WIND FEELS SO REAL ON MY LONG FLOWING HAIR!" Pilot's voice added.
"MY LIVER IS FILLED WITH THE FLAVOR OF WONDERMENT!" Captain shouted.
Pilot began to sing.
"WHEN ZEE CAPTAIN IS NEAR, THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR,
AND I KNOW THAT MY LIVER WILL GO ON AND ON,
I KNOW THAT WE'LL STAY FOREVER THIS WAY,
YOU ARE SAFE IN MY LIVER
AND MY LIVER WILL GO ON AND ON"
Yeah, those two already lost it, I concluded. I was surprised they managed to survive so far without my supervision.
See, I'm always aware of my surroundings!
At that very moment, the hair of the back of my neck stood up. It felt like a giant something was attempting to vacuum out my thoughts. I twitched, turning around. There was nothing at all there.
What was I saying... uhh... right... constant vigilance!
While Captain and Pilot were having fun-times on top of the battleship I scavenged in the junk-town below for potential supplies. Most of the stuff in the town was either too rusty or too broken to use. However, I did discover three sealed shipping containers.
Using excessive force and a crowbar I managed to open the first shipping container with brute force, discovering a sea of tights inside. The tights flowed outwards in my general direction and nearly crushed me. I wondered whether anyone had ever been killed by tights-avalanche. Rabidly digging myself out of tights, I noted Captain approaching, boots clanking loudly on the floor.
"WHAT MARVELOUS TREASURES HAVE YOU DISCOVERED? REPORT!" Captain inquired.
"Hundreds and hundreds of old pairs of mulch-colored tights" I answered, still swimming in the tights-pile.
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"EXCELLENT! THESE COULD BE USED AS SCARVES IN CASE OF A FASHION EMERGENCY!"
"The most likely emergency we are going to have is a blizzard. These will probably burn well." I answered.
"INDEED, ZEE WEATHER IS MOST FICKLE MISTRESS THESE DAYS!" Captain mumbled, holding a pair of tights.
"DO YOU THINK THESE MATCH WELL WITH MY BOOTS?" The tights were now wrapped around Captain's neck.
"Suuure." I responded, walking away.
Another container was full of randomly jumbled 7-color Rubik's cubes that poured out. This time I managed to jump away, avoiding the torrent, so instead it knocked Pilot off his feet and not me. Smirking at Pilot's tumbling and cries of "I WILL GET MY REVENGE ON YOU, FOUL CUBES!" I grabbed one cube for myself, stashing it in my jacket, just in case I ever get really bored. I mean, how would anyone ever solve one of these when the cube only has 6 sides? Maybe these were either designed NOT to be solved as some sort of a horrible metaphor for life, or perhaps it was a silent cry for help/rebellion from the forced-labor manufacturing workers that produced them.
I crossed my fingers for good luck, hoping to find anything remotely useful, and broke into the third shipping container. It contained... thousands of cook books with the title "HOW TO BECOME A MASTER CHEF WITH ONLY A SINGLE MICROWAVE".
Captain picked up one of the books and handed it to me.
"SNIPPY! ...THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM FATE! YOU ARE TRULY DESTINED FOR GREATNESS! YOU MUST QUEST TO DISCOVER THIS HOLY MICROWAVE FOR THE GOOD OF CAPTANIA AND TEACH THE PEOPLE THE PROPER AND REFINED WAYS OF FOOD PERCOLATION VIA KINETOSKOPIC BROADCASTING!"
"How about... no!" I shoved the cookbook away.
"THINK OF ALL THE TUBE SUBSCRIBERS YOU COULD OBTAIN WITH THIS AMAZING POWER!" Captain wiggled the book in front of my face.
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"No, no... What if I get too famous?" I responded, slyly, "That is way too much responsibility."
Captain twirled the book and suddenly flung it at Pilot's head. Pilot caught the book instantly, without even flinching.
"EXCELLENT RESPONSE-TIME!" Captain barked, approvingly. "YOU WILL MAKE A FINE TEMPORARY-CHEF WHILE SNIPPY COMBATS HIS FAME-PHOBIAS."
"SIR, YES SIR" Pilot chimed. "I WILL BE THE VERY BEST MICROWAVE CHAUFFEUR, SIR! I WILL NEVER FAIL YOU IN THIS FINE MATTER, UNLIKE THE CRUSTACEAN SNIPPY! I WILL DRIVE THE MICROWAVE BEAST TOWARDS AMAZING FRONTIERS LIKE NO-ONE EVER HAS..."
I shook my head and walked away as the endless and incredibly loud rant, filled with praises of Captain, riding microwaves, fighting dragons, insulting Snippys and so forth, went on and on and on.
My companions can be ridiculous, inexplicably random and incredibly annoying, that much is true. But... they are all that I have.
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