I should never have agreed...

to "GET ON THE AMAZING TIME-SAVING TRAIN" with Captain.

I should really have seen this one coming when Captain made me stand in line to "BUY TRAIN TICKETS", which turned out to have "TERMINAL STATION-ADVENTURE" and "BOARDING PLATFORM: NEGATIVE TWENTY AND FOUR QUARTERS" scribbled on them.

Sadly, I didn't suspect anything.

I pretended to stand in line.

I pretended to buy tickets from the skeleton cashier with "CAPTANIA CREDITS". I pretended to pay the skeleton. I went along with the silly charade, and for a few minutes I smiled, because it made me feel like the world hadn't ended.

I boarded the train, listening calmly to Captain's nonsensical story about how zee "STARTED WORLD WAR III WITH A LITTLE TEA ACCIDENT".

Yeah, right.

As if tea could be held responsible for the end of the world.

"Captain, you do realize that this train isn't actually going anywhere... Ever?" I said.

Just as I had made this subtle suggestion, I felt a jolt. I would have signed this off as simple indigestion, but then another jolt came, and another, then the train started to move.

"NONSENSE!

I’VE RIGGED A JET ENGINE TO THE ROOF!

PUBLIC TRANSIT WILL

ALWAYS BE ON TIME NOW!"

Captain commented the motion. Zee had actually accomplished something tangible!? My mind reeled as I grabbed onto the passenger handle with white knuckles.

"MAINTAIN MAXIMUM MUZZLE AWARENESS, MR SNIPPY!" Captain commanded as the train accelerated, shaking.

Glass windows cracked and shattered, tinkling. Pink plastic ceiling tiles peeled off and scattered about the train's interior. I wondered if the train would fall apart before it even got us anywhere.

"This is insane, we have to get off!" I cried, turning my head, looking for a way out, the way off. It was too late. My stomach suddenly lurched, as if gravity had let go. My feet lifted off the ground. We were flying? No, we were falling!

I saw the torn-out bridge supports flash by.

...I never liked to commute.

. . .

"SNIPPEY! WAKE UP! WE'VE ARRIVED!"

I was unfortunate enough to be greeted by Captain, delusional, and seemingly upside down.

However, as the blood rushed rapidly down into my brain I realized that it was in fact I who was upside down, and that Captain was just contentedly staring at the peril I was in.

"WHOA!" Captain commented our state of affairs, as if the whole horrid train crash was a bit of a fun at an amusement ride.

"I hate you so much" I said.

"GOOD, BOTTLE IT UP.

SOMEDAY, YOU WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST FOR MY AMUSEMENT!" Was Captain's responce. "ANYWAY, SPIDER MAN, HANG AROUND FOR A BIT WHILE I GO SEE WHAT STATION THIS IS..."

"Just help me down, G-Dammit!" I cried.

"FEAR NOT, FAIR MAIDEN! GHOSTLY FIGURES ARE CROWDING AROUND OUR GLORIOUS WONDER TRAIN. HOLD THE FORT WHILST I PROTECT THEE!"

Having said that, Captain marched out of the train.

"Come back, G-damn you! COME BACK AND HELP ME DOWN!" I yelled.

Listening back, I heard no specific response, only something that sounded like:

"GREETINGS, MOLE-PEOPLES OF THE UNDERGROUND! I COME FROM THE SKY, BEARING VERY SALTY SNACKS!"

That's just great, sounds like Captain discovered a bunch of pet rocks or skeletons to talk to/get distracted by, rather than help me out.

. . .

It's been hours now and all that is keeping me conscious is the rage within me. At this point I am hoping I will actually combust, just for the possibility of burning the bastard horrifically.

Wait, no. That wouldn't work. Captain's not even here to get combusted. My thoughts are becoming more and more jumbled.

...How long is it safe for a human being to hang upside down?

"Anyone?? Helloooooo? HELP!!!

CAPTAIN!

DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!!!

HELP ME!!!"

I shouted into the deafening silence.