To:

EMISSARY OF HUMANITY

TWELFTH AND A HALF STREET,

APARTMENT SEVENTY BEE,

MANCHESTER,

PLANET MERCURY

FroM:

THE DESK OF PILOT

TRAIN TRACKS,

CITY OF EUREKA,

PLANET EARTH

DEAR PRINCESS CAPTAIN,

I HAVE BUILT A SHELTER IN THE TRAIN YARDS TO REST FOR THE NIGHT, BUT THE CREATURES OF THE NIGHT DESCENDED UPON IT AND STOLE ALL OF MY SUITCASES, EXCEPT FOR THE ONE THAT I WAS USING AS MY PILLOW.

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE CONSTRUCTED AN INTRICATE SECURITY SYSTEM OF MIRRORS AND LAZORS TO KEEP UNINVITED GUESTS OUT!

I WANT MY DELICIOUS CUPCAKES BACK, REAL BAD. THE CULPRITS MUST HAVE BEEN HIDEOUS, GIANT MOSQUITOES BECAUSE I WAS BOTHERED BY LOUD BUZZING ALL NIGHT.

DEPRIVED OF BREAKFAST, I DECIDED TO SEEK VENGEANCE AND ASKED MY RIGHT EYE FOR HELP. IT IS NOT OFTEN THAT I DO SUCH, BECAUSE THE EYE DOESN'T ALWAYS COOPERATE AND SOMETIMES LEADS ME ASTRAY INTO A PLACE THAT KEEPS TRYING TO GIVE ME A HAIRCUT.

I HATE HAIRCUTS AND PLACES THAT PROVIDE SUCH, WITH OCEANIC PASSION, BECAUSE OF FOLLOWING REASONS:

1) THE MANY ARMED LADY ALWAYS TRIES TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THE WEATHER AND I AM IN NO MOOD OF COMMUNICATION WHEN MY EXTERNALS ARE BEING SLICED.

2) I DON'T APPROVE OF LOSING MY EXPENSIVE APPENDAGES TO SHARP BLADES. LAST TIME I ALMOST LOST MY EAR TO THE HAIR DISPOSAL CHUTE.

3) I CAN NEVER DECIDE ON WHAT HAIR STYLE I WANT. NOT EVEN THE POSTERS HELP, THEY JUST LOOK AT ME JUDGINGLY WITH THEIR PRETTY MODELY FACES.

4) ISSUE 3 CAN BE RESOLVED IF HAIRCUTTING PLACES WOULD POSESS MORE ARTISTIC FLAIR. TO ELABORATE: THEY SHOULD PROVIDE PATRONS WITH PORTRAITS OF HOW THEIR FACES WOULD LOOK WITH VARIOUS HAIRCUTS INSTEAD OF ASKING "HOW SHORT U WANT THIS?"

5) WHAT KIND OF LENGTH IS "FINGER-LENGTH" EXACTLY? IS THAT LENGTH OF MY FINGERS? OR THE FINGERS OF THE HAIR-CUTTER? FINGER LENGTH IS OF GREAT VARIETY, YOU KNOW!

. . .

AFTER SEVERELY BANGING UP THE HOUSE-NEST OF THE GIANT MOSQUITOES...

...AND NOT DISCOVERING MY SUITCASES OR CUPCAKES I CAME BACK TO THE SERVICE DESK. THEY STILL COULDN'T EXCHANGE MY TRAIN TICKET NOR PROVIDE ME WITH THE TRAIN SCHEDULE/MAP OF THE FACILITIES.

THUSLY, I WAS ONCE AGAIN FORCED TO RELY ON MY RIGHT EYE TO TELL ME WHICH TRAIN TRACK TO FOLLOW.

...AND SO, I BEGUN MY QUEST TO REACH YOU ON FOOT.

. . .

MY RIGHT EYE IS INTERMITTENG-LEY TELLING ME TO GO "UP" OR "RIGHT" AT RANDOM INTERVALS. [ IT HAS RECENTLEY TAKEN UPON ITSELF THE FUNCTIONOIDS OF MY BROKEN POCKET-TIARA ]

"THIS IS NOT TIME FOR ANOTHER HAIRCUT OR TO LOOK AT PRETTY CLOUDS!" I TELLS IT, "WE MUST FOLLOW THE RAILS TO WHERE THEY TOOK CAPTAIN AND MR SNIPPEY!"

THE EYE DID NOT COOPERATE, PASSIONATELY THROWING OFF MY SENSE OF BALANCE WITH ITS CONNIVING INSTRUCTIONS.

SO I DECIDED TO CLOSE MY EYE AND FOLLOW MY NOSE... LIKE THAT SONG SAYS "WHEREVER IT GOES".

AND IT WAS A SOLID DECISION, BECAUSE SNIPPY SMELLS FAINTLY OF FRUITY BEVERAGE LABELS.

ALONG MY ROUTE ON THE RAILS I'VE MADE A FEW NEW CONTACTS.

ONE OF THEM WAS A SURVATORY TANK THAT KEPT FOLLOWING ME AND TELLING ME TO ADD IT TO G-BOOK.

...AND MOST IMPORTANTLY TO NEVER CAPITALIZE THE LETTER "G" BECAUSE THAT IS MOST ILLEGAL, UNLESS WHEN USED IN CONJUNCTION WITH DIRECTORATE-APPROVED PRODUCTS.

I TOLD THE TANK THAT I HAVE NO INTENTION OF CAPITALIZING THE LETTER "G", BUT THE TANK MUST HAVE DISCOVERED MY IMPROPER GRAMMAR, BECAUSE ITS LOCATORS PIPED UP AND SCREECHED:

"UNAUTHORIZED GRAMMAR DETECTED! A "GOOD-DAY" TEAM HAS BEEN DISPATCHED TO YOUR ADDRESS FOR REEDUCATION, FOLLOWED BY A FREE AND PAINLESS CRANIAL IMPLANT TO PREVENT FURTHER DISOBEDIENCE. HAVE A LOVELY EVENING." "...BUT IT'S MID-DAY" I PANCAKED. "GOOD-TEAM N-OT AVA-ILABLE. RE-ALLOCATING PRI-ORITIES. PRIO-RITIES RE-ALLOCATED. TARGET RE-CONFIRMED."

WITH THIS, THE TANK DECIDED TO OPEN FIRE ON MY PERSON.

BEING ON FIRE IS NOT FUN AND I TRY TO AVOID IT.

SOMETIMES (EVEN WHEN I AM REALLY TRYING NOT TO) I CATCH FIRE ACCIDENTALLY ANYWAY, BUT THIS TIME IT WAS ENTIRELY THIS BLOOBBERY TAUNK'S FAULT.

I AVOIDED THE TANK BY SHOUTING

"NEVER TAKE CHILDREN'S MASCOTS ADVICE LIGHTLY"

WHICH HAS MINORLY DISTRACTERED IT AND SPED AWAY, JUMPING IN BETWEEN THE SHADOWS, BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT AUTOMATON TANKS CANNOT SERVEYOR SHADOWS VERY WELL, LACKING THE PROCESSING CAPABILITIES.

ALSO, AS CAPTAIN TELLS ME, I AM A VERY GOOD NINJA.

THE TANK GRUMBLED AT MY BACK:

"UNAUTHORIZED TRAIN DERAILING HAS BEEN DETECTED! ...USE OF EXTREME FORCE AND OR WEAPONRY HAS BEEN AUTHORIZED!"

...BUT I SNEAKILY ELUDED IT RATHER WELL.

. . .

FOR LUNCH I ATE A PURPLE EGG WITH PINK DOTS. IT TASTED LIKE APPLE SEEDS, BUSINESS AND PRESSURIZED SURRPIZES. THE EGG WAS LOCATED IN A TINY FROZEN BLUE PUDDLE. ONCE I'VE HAD MY WAY WITH IT, A GIANT MOSQUITO ATTACKED MY FACE. "GO AWAY, MR MOSQUITO!" I SWATTERED AT IT "I HAVE NO MORE CUPCAKES LEFT FOR YOU!"

THE MOSQUITO SAID "BUZZZZI-BUZZ" AND CLAWED AT ME WITH ITS 28 PINCERS.

I'VE SURMIZED IT WITH MY SUITCASE. IT WAS A MESSY ONE, BUT DID MAKE FOR A HEALTHY BALANCED BREAKFAST OF PROTEINS AND NITROGENS.

COVERED WITH MOSQUITO GOOS I KEPT ON WALKING UNTIL I FOUND A FRIENDLY VOICE-ACTIVATED RUSTY TAP.

"CAN I HAVE SOME WATER MR TAP?" I ASKED IT. "I REALLY NEED TO WASH OFF THIS MOSQUITO OFF ME!"

THE TAP CHOSE NOT TO CORRESPOND BACK.

I THREATENED TO BEND IT INTO A SALTY PRETZEL.

"FORCEFUL WATER EXTRACTION IS ILLEGAL BY ORDER OF THE GOOD DIRECTORATE" THE TANK SHOUTED, HAVING CAUGHT UP TO ME.

"YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN GOOD MADAM, I AM NOT BLACKMAILING NOR SQUEEZING TAPS. I AM A MERE MOSQUITO. BUZZ BUZZ" I FLAPPED MY ARMS AND SLOWLY CREEAPED BACKWARDS INTO A VERY DEEP SHADOW.

THE TANK STARED AT ME WITH ITS 3 RECORDERS, TRYING TO DECIDE WHETHER I AM FACTUAL MOSQUITO OR AN AUNOTHORIZED PERP THAT IS MERELY WEARING A MOSQUITO'S HEAD OVER MY FACE.

"BUZ BUZ I AM BUT A FRIENDLY BEE" I RUMMAGED, ESCALATING AWAYS.

"POLLINATION IS A COPYRIGHTED ACTIVITY. CEASE THAT AT ONCE!" THE TANK POSTULATED, OPENING FIRE.

I SCRAMBLED MY EGGS AND FELL BACKWARDS INTO A CREVICE.

"COME OUT OF THERE" THE TANK REGULATED.

"NU HUNNN" I REPLIED.

"YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM THE LAW" SHE SCOTTED ME.

"YES I CAN" I PUFFED BACK.

"REQUESTING BACKUP. SUBJECT IS RESISTING. ALL UNITS IN SECTOR 34-49-91. ASSISTANCE NEEDED."

I CLAWED DEEPER INTO THE CREVICE, SHATTERING AN OLD PIPE AND RENDERED SIDEWAYS AND DOWNWARDS.

THE PIPE DEPOSITED ME IN A CRAUMMY, SMALLISH ROOM FULL OF TAPES.

I DECIDED TO WAIT OUT THE TANK'S AUTHORITATIVE RULES IN THE AUDITORY ROOM AND WHILE SHE AND HER FRIENDS DUG AND ROLLERED SOMEWHERE OVERHEAD, SPRINKLING DUST ONTO ME, I LEARNED THINGS OF INTEREST FROM THE TAPES.

ONE SUCH TALE OF INTEREST WAS ABOUT A MAN TRAPPED IN A SINGLE DAY FOR TEN THOUSAND YEARS IN WINTER UNTIL HE COULD DISCOVER AND CONQUER TRUE LOVE. I LIKED IT VERY MUCH AND DECIDED TO LEARN ICE SCULPTING FROM HIM, FOR I WAS ALSO TRAPPED FOR 10 THOUSAND SECONDS IN THE AUDIOBALE ROOM.

CRAMMING MY FAVOURITE TAPE-STORIES INTO MY SUITCASE, I ROUNDED UP MY COURAGE AND SLITHERED UPWARDS THE PIPE.

THE TANKS WERE DILUTING, WITH NONE OF THEIR WEBCAMS FOCUSED MY WAY PROPER.

I CLAMBERED TOWARDS AN ICE-WALL AND ICE-SCULPTED A SIMILACRUM OF MY-SELF AND THEN PRANCED OFF INTO A SHADOW.

THE TANKS SURROUNDED IT, SNIFFING IT FOR A WHILES AND THEN STARTED TO DEMAND ANSWERS (WHICH THE SIMILACRUM COULD NOT PROVIDE, BEING MADE OF ICE).

WHILE MY ICE-PORTRAIT DISTRACTED THEMS WITH TALES OF YESTER-WINTERS, I MADE MY WAY BACK TO THE RAILS (WITH A HOGGY SONG IN MY GROUNDED HEART).

ON EXACTLY THE 382048TH RAIL,

THE ANIMAL TRAIL OF THE TRAIN-BEAST ENDED AT A BROKENY, BENDY-DOWN BRIDGE.

IT MUST HAVE LEPT OFF IT SOMEHWHERES.

NO WONDERS MY EYE WAS POINTING UPWARDSES.

I WAS AVIDLY SADDENED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND DECIDED THAT IT IS TIME TO MAIL THIS LETTER AND DROP IT INTO THE WIND WITH A MIGHTY WISH THAT THE MOST FLUFFIEST OF OWLS CARRIES IT TO YOU.

LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAYS TO ME, WISHING WILL MAKE IT SO, SO HERE'S TO A STEADY DELIVERY!

HOPING YOU (BUT NOT SNIPPY) ARE HAVING EXCITING DAYS AS WELL,

WITH OBLIGATORY PRAIZES OF YOUR EXCELLENCE,

YOUR DEAREST FOLLOWER,

PiLoT