CAPTAIN'S LOGE, ENTRY ONE-TWO-LEMON.

THOSE LEMONADE FELLOWS SURE WERE NICE, EVEN THOUGH I'VE DISMANTLED THEIR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SUNDAY GATHERING WITH EXCELLENT CRITICISM.

LETTING ME DRINK THEIR DELICIOUS PIT AND ALL WAS A MOST EXCELLENT REWARD.

THE CAVE BEYOND THE PIT IS A PLACE OF MANY WONDERS.

GOOD THING I'VE BROUGHT A LIGHTER WITH ME, FOR I COULD HAVE EASILY MISSED THEM!

IN THE GLITTERING TUNNELS I'VE MADE ACQUAINTANCES WITH FRIENDLY MOTHS AND EVEN CHANCED ACROSS A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A FELLOW NAMED "STEVE".

STEVE'S PARTY WAS SO WILD IT MUST HAVE LASTED FOR DECADES.

MOST RAPSCALLION-LY!

LEAVING THE PARTY WITH SOME CAKE,

...I FOUND SOME CUTE PUPPIES TO PLAY WITH.

AFTER DISPENSING THE NECESSARY PETS, I TOOK A WOBBLY STAIRCASE UPWARDS AND SIDEWAYS.

THE WONKY STAIRS LED ME TO A CATHEDRAL-CAVERN.

THE CAVE HAD A SPHERICAL SHAPE WHICH EXTENDED AT LEAST FOR 124 STEPS IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

THE GROUND OF THE CAVE WAS MOSTLY UNEVEN BUMPS, WHILE THE CEILING WAS COVERED IN SPIKY STALACTITES AND HAD AN ENORMOUS FROZEN, BRIGHT, BLUE, CONVEX CIRCLE IN THE TOP, WHICH MUST HAVE ONCE BEEN THE BOTTOM OF A LAKE THAT WAS NOW FROZEN SOLID. BLUE, UNEVEN LIGHT BATHED THE CAVERN FROM ABOVE.

THIS CAVE HAD A FEELING OF A MIGHTY FINE PLACE FOR AN AMBUSH.

I CHECKED THE DESTINATION LOGS AND NOTED THAT SOMEONE WAS HUNTING WIZARDS LIKE MYSELF FOR SPORT.

I WAS UP FOR A JOLLY GOOD ENGAGEMENT, SO I PATIENTLY WAITED FOR THEIR ARRIVAL, TAPPING MY FOOT TO THE SOUND OF MY HEARTBEAT-SONG.

SLABS OF ROCK ON ALL SIDES OF THE SPHERICAL CAVERN CASUALLY SPUN, AS IF THEY WERE JUST TWIRLY HOTEL DOORS. FROM BEHIND THEM, CAME FOOT-SOLDERS OF THE HUNTER, COPIES OF COPIES OF LONG DEAD DIRECTORATE EMPLOYEES. BEING SEVERELY WORN OUT DUE TO XEROXING OVER-USE, THEY WERE SOMEWHAT LACKING IN DIMENSIONS, I NOTED. MOST OF THEM WERE MISSING THEIR INNER PARTS, THEIR SKULLS LOOKED LIKE 2D PAPER CUTOUTS. BONE-LIKE WHITISH MESH STRUCTURES THAT REMINDED ME OF PAPER-MACHE COVERED THEIR HOLLOW BODIES, HOLDING THEM TOGETHER. IT WAS AN EERIE SIGHT.

"WE MEET AT LAST, WIZARD. YOU ARE THE LAST OF YOUR KIND TO BE EXTERMINATED." THEY SOLEMNLY WHISPERED, POINTING THEIR DEATH-TOOLS AT ME.

"I THINK NOT." I ANSWERED, SPINNING AND BATHING THEM IN THE REFRACTIONS OF MY LIGHTER. I MADE SURE THE ILLUMINATION TOUCHED ALL OF THEM AND THEN I SIMPLY SAID "PRECISION!". THE WORD CAUGHT THEM UNAWARES.

"WHAT FEELING IS THIS?" THEY INTREPIDLY INQUIRED.

"YOUR PLAN WAS TO SURROUND ME, CORRECT?" I ASKED THEM.

"YESSSSSS." THE COPIES SPOKE.

"WELL THEN, YOU MUST DO IT IN A MUCH MORE PERFECT CIRCLE! GO ON NOW, FIND YOUR PLACE, MEASURE OUT YOUR LOCATION FROM MY POSITION, CHOP CHOP!"

THE COPIES DROPPED THEIR HEADS. THEY WERE EMBARRASSED OVER THEIR LACK OF PRECISE COORDINATION AT SURROUNDING ME. THEY TRIED TO FIND THEIR PLACE, AND WERE NOW BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER, TRYING TO RE-COORDINATE THEIR LOCATION AGAINST MINE, HISSING, STEPPING ON EACH OTHER AND CURSING.

THEN, THEY DROPPED TO THE GROUND AND STARTED TO SCRATCH THE FLOOR OF THE CAVE WITH THEIR DEATH-STICKS. THE SCRATCHES ON THE GROUND WERE CALCULATIONS, GRAPHS AND ESTIMATES. THEY WERE WORKING VERY HARD AT ESTABLISHING THE NECESSARY, PERFECT ORDER FOR SURROUNDING ME.

"ZATS MUCH BETTER!" I SAID, LOOKING AT THEIR HARD WORK. THEY WERE SCRATCHING MORE LINES IN THE GROUND IN AN ATTEMPT TO FORMULATE A PERFECT CIRCLE FROM WHERE I STOOD. THE LINES WERE INTERCONNECTING INTO A GIGANTIC PIE CHART. I DIDN'T WAIT FOR THEM TO COMPLETE THE PIE.

I CHANGED MY POSITION.

"STOP MOVING!" SOME OF THEM WHINED, LOOKING UP AT ME. THEY WERE ANNOYED THAT THEIR CIRCLE WAS NO LONGER PERFECT, BECAUSE I HAD MOVED FROM ITS EXACT CENTER.

I CALMLY WALKED TOWARDS EACH ONE AND POINTED MY LIGHTER AT THEM. I MUST HAVE SPOKEN THE DECONSTRUCTIVE-KEY-WORD AT LEAST 100 TIMES.

THE COPIES WERE NO MORE, THEY'VE TURNED TO DUST.

"COME OUT OF THE SHADOWS, LORD OF DORKNESS." I SPOKE POINTING THE LIGHTER AT THE DANCING SHADOWS OF THE CAVERN.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS?" THE DARKNESS CONVERGED INTO A RELATIVELY-HUMAN SHAPE, COMPOSED OF SHADOWS THAT VIBRATED VIGOROUSLY. IT WAS A CUTE ATTEMPT AT TRYING TO MAKE HIS AVATAR EXTRA-SPOOKY.

"I PUT THEM TO SLEEP." I TOLD HIM. "IT WAS EASY! THEY WERE QUITE WORN OUT, CONSIDERING YOU'VE PAID FOR 100'000 FAKE FANS!"

MY SHAMING MADE THE SHADOW ADMINISTRATOR MAD, HE PULLED OUT HIS TERMINAL AND BEGUN TO VIGOROUSLY TYPE AN ANGRY REBUTTAL. POSSIBLY HE WAS PLOTTING TO SEND A VIRAL APP MY WAY.

"SUNDAY COMES AFTER MONDAY!" I PUT A CHERRY ON TOP OF MY WORD-CAKE, NOT WANTING TO DEAL WITH HIS NONSENSE. THE SUN ROLLED BACKWARDS, DIMMING THE CAVE AND THEN BATHED IT IN LIGHT ONCE AGAIN.

"YOUR TEMPORAL TRICKS WON'T WORK ON ME, GIRL! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE." THE THIN, TALL FIGURE SCREECHED.

HE MUST HAVE ALREADY LINKED HIMSELF TO MY POSITION, AS TO NOT LOSE TRACK OF ME.

"PRECISION." I WIGGLED MY SHOULDERS AND CALMLY POINTED MY LIGHTER AT HIM.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" HE CRIED.

"IF YOU INTEND TO DUEL ME ACCORDING TO THE RULES, THEN YOU HAVE TO MEASURE YOUR POSITION MORE PRECISELY. THE RULES OF TENNIS STIPULATE THAT YOU MUST BE EXACTLY 25 FEET FROM YOUR OPPONENT!"

"SHITE." THE THIN SHADOW FROZE, CONSUMED BY A DESIRE TO BE MORE PRECISE. HE BEGAN TO FRANTICALLY CALCULATE HIS EXACT POSITION AGAINST MINE. IT WOULDN'T TAKE HIM VERY LONG.

"...DID YOU KNOW THAT YOUR HEAD LOOKS LIKE A POTATO?" I COMMENTED.

"SAY WHAT?" HE MUMBLED.

I DIDN'T WAIT FOR HIM TO COMPLETE THE JOB. I SPOKE THE DECONSTRUCTION-WORD SUMMONING THE PEELER.

"YOU SNEAKY BITCH! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" THE SHADOW BEGAN TO PEEL LIKE AN ONION, HOPELESSLY REBELLING AGAINST MY WORD.

"YOU CANNOT HOPE TO BEST ME, FOR I AM...." HE HISSED, FADING INTO OBSCURITY.

I SHOOK MY HEAD IN DISSOLUTION. HE WOULD DEFINITELY RETURN AND TRY TO CATCH ME WITH MY PANTS DOWN SO TO SPEAK.

"BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, KITTY!" I SPOKE TO THE QUICKLY EVAPORATING DARK PUDDLE.

THE CAVE FELT RATHER LONELY NOW.

I SETTLED ON EXPLORING THE SLIPPERY DARK CREVICES. THEY LED THROUGH SLANTED TUNNELS, OCCASIONALLY ENDING WITH MASSIVE CAVE-HALLS. SILENCE AND DARKNESS REIGNED THEREIN. ELBOWS OF GARGANTUAN, DEAD CONCEPTOIDS LITTERED THE PLACE. THE FEELING OF DREAD WAS OVERPOWERING.

I DIDN'T AGREE WITH SUCH.

"BLUEBELL" I SPOKE, CLICKING THE LIGHTER. IT RELEASED A TINY, BLUE ORB OF LIGHT INTO THE AIR. THE ORB FELT LONELY BY ITSELF. I REPEATED THE PROCESS, EXPONENTIALLY INCREASING THE NUMBER OF FLOATING DOTS THAT FILLED THE AIR AND WERE CARRIED IN ALL DIRECTIONS BY THE AIR FLOW.

IT WAS STILL ANNOYINGLY DARK, EVEN THOUGH THE BLUEBELLS SPRINKLED ALL OVER THE PLACE SOMEWHAT RESEMBLING STARS, WHICH WAS MILDLY ROMANTIC.

I LOOKED UP AT THE INVERTED DEPTHS OF THE FROZEN OCEAN THAT LOOMED OVERHEAD, CONSIDERING MY OPTIONS.

I COULD CONVEX UPWARDS, BUT THEN THERE MIGHT BE A HELLA LOT OF POLYGONS TO DEAL WITH AND CRASHING THE SYSTEM WITH A "MAX VERTICES IN VIEW" ERROR WAS NEVER FUN. THE MOTIVATIONS SIMPLY WEREN'T THERE.

A LIGHT CRINKLE IN THE DARK CREVASSE BEHIND ME SUDDENLY DISTRACTED ME FROM TRANSIENT THOUGHTS.