DEAR MISCELLANEOUS, GOODLY BEINGS OF OMNISCIENCE,

MY DEAR TIME, SPACE, INSURANCE, TERMINATOR, EUREKA, OVERSEER, RECYCLE AND INFINITY.

TODAY, I WAS MOST PERTURBED/ANNOYED/JUXTAPOSED TO DISCOVER THAT OUR LOVELY UNIVERSE IS DOOMED TO SHRINKAGE, COLLAPSE AND FOLDERY!

AS A CONSTITUENT OF THE UNIVERSE, A HIGHLY RESPECTABLE REPRESENTATIVE OF HUMANITY AND QUEEN OF THE NATION OF CAPTANIA, I FIND THIS UNSUSTAINABLE DEVELOPMENT ALARMING AND MUST INSIST THAT YOU TAKE ACTION TO RETURN THE UNIVERSE TO ITS RIGHTFUL SIZE OR AT LEAST PREVENT ANY FURTHER REDUCTIONS.

I KNOW, YOU THINK IT'S OKAY, THE UNIVERSE IS ENDLESS, AND YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST IGNORE THIS ISSUE IN HOPES THAT IT WILL GO AWAY.

HOWEVER, ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, THE END OF EVERYTHING IS INEVITABLE AND WE HAVE ONLY 60 CYCLES LEFT AT BEST, MAYBE 230 UNTIL OUR UNIVERSE COLLAPSES IN ON ITSELF.

OH BEHALF OF THE PEOPLES OF CAPTANIA, I APPEAL TO YOUR OMNISCIENT WISDOM TO CONSIDER MY CASE AND HAVE IT REVIEWED BEFORE THE END OF THE NEXT SOLAR CYCLE.

I ALSO WOULD LIKE TO REPORT THESE FURTHER GANGLY ISSUES/FACTOIDS OF NOTE:

-I HAVE NOT HEARD A PEEP FROM MY FELLOW WIZARDS, MOST RECENTLY. IT IS THEREFORE MY ASSUMPTION THAT SOMEONE HAS HUNTED THEM ALL DOWN. THIS IS HIGHLY UNACCEPTABLE AS I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE TO RELY ON TO FILL IN ALL THE RECENT GAPS IN NECESSARY DEVELOPMENT!

-SPACE CLEARLY ISN'T DOING HER JOB AT ALL. THE UNIVERSE GROWS INWARDS BUT SHRINKS OUTWARDS. I HAVE DIAGNOSED HER WITH INNER TURMOILS. I THINK MOON TRIPS ARE FUN AND SEXY AND SHOULD BE ALLOWED, UNCLE CAN'T HOG ZEE MOON ANYMORE!

-ONE OR MORE OF YOU KEEPS MURDERING MY SNIPPY. KEEPING HIM ALIVE IS VERY TIRING. PLEASE STOP. WHOEVER YOU BE - KNOW, THIS: YOU HAVE FORCED MY HAND! I HAVE PUT FORTH A PLAN TO PROTECT HIM FROM YOUR DASTARDLY SHENANIGANS.

-INFINITY IS HARASSING ME WITH INCESSANTLY CONSTANT DEMANDS TO BE LET OUT. SHE BOGGLES ME BRAIN NOODLES WITH HER VAST AND SUDDEN BOTHERINGS! I HAVE REFUSELLED HER THUS FAR, AS I BELIEVE THAT SHE IS A WARPATH THAT IS MOIST DESTRUCTIVE, A TRAIN RAMMING INTO ANOTHER TRACK ON A CIRCULAR TRACK.

-RECYCLE'S BEING A GROSS BUTT! HE TOOK MY FAVORITE EYES AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY! SOMETIMES HE HAUNTS MY DREAMS, BUT AS I AM AN EFFICIENT LITTLE BEAST I CAN DREAM IN MY AWAKE HOURS, WHICH IS 24/7. WHEN HE DRIVES HIS VAN INTO MY DREAMSCAPE TO BOTHER ME, I MUST RETREAT TO ZEE SAFETY OF A WELL-CRAFTED BLANKET FORT. I HAVE TRIED TO INVITE MISTER SNIPPY TO ZEE FORT, BUT HE SAYS "It's not practical!" AND "A waste of time!" AND "Wait a minute where the hell'd you find blankets out here?! Can I have them?" SO TIS MAINLY JUST ME, KITTYHAWK, A PIKACHU PLUSH, AND A SEWER RAT FROM ZEE SEWER. HIS NAME IS SAMANTHA AND HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN USED FOR SCIENCE.

THAT IS ALL, FOR NOW.

IF MY DEMANDS ARE NOT PROMPTLY MET,

I MIGHT AS WELL DECLARE WAR ON THE CURRENT MORALITY OF THE UNIVERSE AND BELIEVE ME YOU DO NOT WISH TO CROSS CAPTANIA AND CONDUCT A DANCE WITH THE LIKES OF ME IN THE HIGHEST COURTS!

SINCERELY YOURS,

ZEE CAPTAIN

- - -

DEAR GIANT PYLON/SPHERE/CAT/WORM/MISC SHAPED LORDS OF GALACTIC CENTRALLIA.

I HAVE SENT YOU A GIFT BASKET IN THE SHAPE OF MY FAVOURITEST MINION, SNIPPEY. PLEASE WELCOME HIM WITH OPEN ARMS AND LOVE AS YOU SAMPLE THE DELICACIES WITHIN. I SINCERELY HOPE THAT MY WONDERRIFIC, WELL ARRANGED GIFT WILL BRING A NEW SORTS OF UNITY TO GALACTIC CENTRALLIA IN THE SHAPE OF FRIENDSHIP AND HUGS, REINFORCING THE CONNECTION BETWEEN OUR PLANET AND YOURS.

CHEERS,

EMISSARY OF HUMANITY, ZEE CAPTAIN.

TWELFTH AND A HALF STREET. APARTMENT SEVENTY BEE.

MANCHESTER, PLANET MERCURY.

P.S

AFTER EATING, DO AMPHIBIANS HAVE TO WAIT ONE HOUR BEFORE GETTING OUT OF THE WATER?