TO: THE DEPARTMENT OF GRAVITATIONAL SERVICES

FROM: CAPTAIN, OVERLORD OF CAPTAINIA

SUBJECT: OFFICIAL COMPLAINT AGAINST CURRENT GRAVITATIONAL SERVICES

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RECENTLY,

THE BOTHERSOME AND OUTDATED [CONTROL OF PLANETARY GRAVITATION PARAMETERS] SYSTEM HERE HAS TRULY CRAMPED MY CONSUMATIVE STYLE!

I CHECKED THE SYSTEM LOGS TO INVESTIGATE THE PROBLEM AND DISCOVERED THAT GRAVITY.EXE SECURE LOGIN HAS NOT BEEN UPDATED IN AGES, ALLOWING ANY BOOB WITH ENOUGH PROCESSING POWER TO TURN ON A LIGHT BULB TO HACK GRAVITY.

AS WE ALL KNOW, THERE IS NO WRONG CONFIGURATION FROM WHICH TO CONSUME TEA. THIS IS A SIMPLE AND INDELIBLE FACT OF THE MULITIVERSE.

IN SPITE OF ALL NOTIONS OF DECENCY, CURRENT GRAVITATION MEDDLES WITH MY EVERY ATTEMPT TO ENJOY MY BEVERAGE.

IN THIS MORNING’S GRAVITY FORECAST I WAS PROMISED A SOFT INVERSION IN QUADRANT 483-384-153 OF THE SKY. WELL, I’M NOT FEELING IT!

I AM A MOST FORGIVING AND GENEROUS SORT. IF THIS HAD BEEN A SINGLE IMPERTINENCE I WOULD HAVE GRACIOUSLY OVERLOOKED IT. ALAS, MANY OTHER SUCH INCIDENTS HAVE BEEN FOISTED UPON ME IN EVER-INCREASING SUCCESSION.

JUST TO NAME A FEW OF THESE MOST-RECENT [GRAVITY RIGHTS VIOLATION ] OFFENSES:

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282:86 AM

MY LOYAL PILOT FELL OUT OF LINEAR, 3D SPACE-TIME FOR WHOLE TWO WEEKS DUE TO A [WHOLLY PREVENTABLE] GRAVITY ERROR.

A GRAVITY WELL [LURKING IN A TEACUP] THAT HAD NO BUSINESS LOITERING AT A STREET CORNER ACCOSTED HIM WHEN HE WASN’T LOOKING.

HE WAS SO TWISTED UP THAT HE COULD NOT EVEN PROPERLY CARRY OUT MY MISSIONS. I HAD TO INSTRUCT HIM TO TWIRL BACKWARDS UNTIL HE RE-SYNCHRONIZED ALL OF HIS INTERNAL CLOCKS AND GEARSES.

I WAS GLAD THAT MY TRUSTY STRAW WAS UP TO DRINKING THAT MUCH GRAVITY. SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DRIVEN ME TO—TRAINING MY LOYAL STRAW TO CONSUME YOUR UNRULY GRAVITONS. UNFORTUNATELY, I COULD NOT LOCATE ANY SUGAR OR LEMON SLICES TO PROPERLY COMPLETE THE TASK.

EVENTUALLY, I SETTLED FOR TERMINATING THE TEACUP GRAVITY WELL BY TURNING IT COUNTERCLOCKWISE REPEATEDLY WITH MY FAVOURITE GOLDEN TEASPOON [ WITH PRETTY FLOWER CARVINGS ON IT ]. THIS ACTION HAD TWISTED SPOONEY UP SEVERELY, TEARING AWAY ALL OF THE PRETTY FLOWER PETALS. : (

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10:27

THE INCIDENT OCCURRED WHILST I PLAYED “THE STREETS ARE LAVA” WITH CHARLES. IT’S A MOST REFRESHING GAME, BOUND TO UNLOCK THE BONUS LEVELS OF SNIPPY’S INNER CHILD. OUR GAME WAS RUINED BY A HYPERCUBE GRAVITY ERROR, WHICH APPEARED RIGHT IN FRONT OF SNIPPY [ WHOM I THREW WITH EXCELLENT PLANNING FROM THE FORTIETH FLOOR OF ONE BUILDING TO THE SEVENTIETH FLOOR OF ITS NEIGHBOR ].

THE RUDE HYPERCUBE ERROR MADE SNIPPY’S INNER CHILD WEEP MANY CUBE-SHAPED TEARS.

SNIPPY CUBE-HOLLERED PITIFULLY AS I RAPIDLY HAD TO SHOVE HIM INTO ALL SORTS OF HOOLAHOOPS, TUNNELS, HOBBITON DOORS AND OTHER CURVES TO SMOOTH OUT THE EXCESSIVE EDGES AND SQUARE-NESS.

THIS EXPERIENCE WILL SURELY DASH ANY FUTURE CHANCES OF US PLAYING “THE STREETS ARE LAVA” AND LIKELY HAS GIVEN SNIPPY TRAUMATIC CUBE-FLASHBACKS AND NIGHTMARES OF SQUARIFICATION.

[ AT LEAST THOSE WON’T LAST LONG IF HE KEEPS ON BUMPING HIS NOGGIN AND STUMBLING INTO ZONES OF FORGETFULL-NESS ]

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12:499999999999999999999999999999999999999

DURING MY LUNCHEON WORKOUT ROUTINE AT THE NEARBY GYM, I FOUND A MOST STUBBORN DUMBBELL INSISTING UPON INCREASING ITS MASS AT AN EXPONENTIAL RATE TO “challenge the strongest arms!”. IT WAS ON THE FAST TRACK TO BECOMING A BLACK HOLE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WOULD DO TO PROPERTY VALUES AROUND HERE? I HAD TO LABEL IT WITH MY CHALK OF LABELLING AT A RESPECTABLE NINETY POUNDS TO GET IT TO DECIDE UPON A WEIGHT.

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14:35

OTHER MISBEHAVING ACCOUTREMENTS HAVE NEEDED SOME DISCIPLINE AS WELL.

ON THE LABOR-DRONE STREET SOME LONG-GONE BOOB LEFT HIS “LIGHT” SUITCASE, FORGETTING TO TURN OFF THE [ WEIGHTLESSNESS ] APP ON IT.

THE SAD, LONELY SUITCASE KEPT ON DECREASING LOCAL GRAVITY FOR “greatest ease of carrying”. BY THE TIME I ARRIVED ON THE SCENE, IT WAS ON ITS WAY TO LEVITATING ZEE ENTIRE CITY BLOCK TO THE MOON.

I HAD TO PUT IT IN ITS PLACE BY DUCT-TAPING IT TO AN ORNERY BOWLING BALL THAT WOULDN’T STOP INCREASING ITS GRAVITY [ FOR BETTER ATTRACTION OF BOWLING PINS ].

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13:15

TO-DAY, YOUR SERVICES ABSOLUTELY DRIZZLED UPON MY EFFORTS TO LAUNCH MY OFF A MOST IDEAL RAMPING MOUNTAINSIDE IN A LOVELY PARABOLIC PATTERN. INSTEAD, THE GRAVITY PARAMETERS LAUNCHED MY SLED LINEARLY INTO THE SKY, NEARLY REACHING ORBIT.

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I SIMPLY CANNOT TOLERATE THIS TREATMENT, BOTH ON MY BEHALF AND ON THE BEHALVES OF MY MINIONS.

I TRIED TO CALL YOUR DEPARTMENT SO MANY TIMES, BUT NOBODY SEEMS TO PICK UP THE PHONE - EVEN 100 YEARS IN THE FUTURE! WHAT POOR ETHICS! I KEEP HITTING PESTY ANSWERING MACHINES, WHICH KEEP PROMISING ME “FUTURE CORRECTIONS”. YET, IT’S ALWAYS ME WHO HAS TO APPLY THE CORRECTIONS, SPENDING MY PRECIOUS FREE TIME!

IS THIS HOW AN ESTEEMED SYSTEM WIZARD AND LOYAL CUSTOMER IS TO BE TREATED? WHO DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, A LOWLY GRAVICORRECTOR? WHERE’S YOUR GRAVITY REGULATOR? I CAN ONLY HOPE SHE HASN’T FALLEN INTO A GRAVITY ERROR THAT SHE HERSELF HAS MADE! WITH THE STANDARDS AROUND HERE, I’D HARDLY BE SURPRISED!

AFTER PERSONAL CORRECTION OF SO MANY GRAV-ANOMALIES, I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO WRITE YOU A VERY STERN LETTER AS MY LAST WARNING.

ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, IF YOU DO NOT START ADEQUATELY PERFORMING YOUR JOBS, A TRUE GRAVI-CATASTROPHE WILL OCCUR, AS FOLLOWS:

THE PLANET WILL STOP TWIRLING [IN PLACES] AND CAPTANIA’S CITIZENS WILL BE FLUNG INTO SPACE [ WHICH IS BAD NEWS FOR THOSE OF THEM WHO REQUIRE AIR ].

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE PLANET SHATTERS INTO TINY, SMOOL PIECES? WHO’S GOING TO PUT HER BACK TOGETHER? ME? I’M ALMOST OUT OF ALL-PURPOSE DUCT TAPE. [ AS I HAD USED HALF OF THE ROLL TO FIX THE CRACK IN THE UNIVERSE ].

AS LAST RESORT, I COULD SEIZE THE MEANS OF ATTRACTION VIA TOTAL EXPOSURE OF MY PERSONALITY, HOWEVER SUCH A DECISION COULD ALSO LEAD TO TOTAL COLLAPSE OF EXISTENCE INTO MY OPEN COAT!

PLEASE REVIEW MY CONCERNS ASAP AND DO YOUR JOBS FOR ONCE... FOR THE SAKE OF THE UNIVERSE!

YOURS TRULY,

CAPTAIN, ESTEEMED AND BELOVED LEADER OF ALL CAPTAINIA.

EMISSARY OF HUMANITY AND SYSTEM WIZARD.