Chapter Three - Bath Battle

Rem was more than ready to face the stupid maid this time. She had sharpened her scythes by rubbing them together to hone their edge, and she had washed her eyes with her acidic spit to see things more clearly. She had even eaten some cats in preparation.

The problem was, that she couldn’t find the stupid maid. The stupid maid had gone off and run away like a stupid coward maid!

She was so angry she felt like spreading her arms and hissing at the sky.

But that wouldn’t do, not at all. Instead, Rem had a cunning plan. She would run across the city, going from shadow to shadow, and spying upon everyone until she saw the stupid maid again.

And when she did, she’d pounce and eat the maid’s head!

She’d start with the maid’s stupid ears, then swallow the rest of him up.

Saliva hissed down her chin at the thought.

The problem was, she couldn’t find the maid. Her tracking skills were never the best. She was an ambush predator. Prey came to her, not the other way around. Now she was caught looking all over, zigging and zagging through the streets in the hopes that she’d spot the monochrome maid.

Someone tapped her shoulder.

Rem paused and turned her head a little to see behind her. She was on a quieter road, with a lot of houses where people lived with their delicious pets.

Behind her, standing tall and proud and stupid, was the maid.

“Please forgive my interrupting,” the maid began.

“You!” Rem spat. She spun, scythe-arm swinging for the maid’s head only to miss as the maid tilted back.

She wove forward, arms stabbing forwards to spear the maid through, but the maid kept juking to the side, always just barely avoiding Rem’s stabs. “Could you stop doing that for a moment? I have to ask you a small favour.”

“I’ll stop when you’re dead!” Rem said.

“It’s a little late for that, I’m afraid,” the maid said.

“Stupid maid!” Rem swore. She redoubled her efforts to skewer the maid, but he just moved faster to compensate.

Her stabs weren’t entirely without effect. Each one blasted through the air, punching holes in the walls of the houses around them, and her slashes left gigantic claw marks on the ground.

Rem hissed and pushed herself even more. Her strikes started to snap and bark as the air rent around her, she started to feel the strain of moving so quickly in her joints, but it was working, she felt herself catching up to the stupid maid’s movement.

The pair of them shot across the road, the maid moving backwards in little hops and skips, Rem lounging forwards with huge strides.

The maid’s placid smile turned into a slight frown.

Rem gave him a mandible grin. If the stupid maid was worried, that meant that Rem was doing good.

And then the maid moved. One moment the stupid maid was frowning a little at Rem, then next Rem’s scythe arms twinged in pain.

The maid had slapped her arms aside, leaving her sprawled out with her arms wide mid-lounge. He stepped up, and with a huff, struck out with his palm to smack Rem right in the sternum.

Rem gasped around the blow, her body bending in the middle even as the dust in the road behind flew away under the pressure made by the blow.

“That was rude of me, but you wouldn’t listen,” the maid said. He removed his hand and held Rem up by the shoulders while she fought for breath.

“Kill... you,” Rem groaned. She poked the maid in the chest with her scythe, but it didn’t so much as cut the maid’s stupid apron.

“My daddy wants to see you. He thinks you’re curious. Usually, a guest wouldn’t have to be told that they should be polite, but I think maybe you should be warned. Daddy is very particular about politeness. So try not to be mean.”

Rem coughed. What she wanted to do was curse the maid to hell and back but she couldn’t quite manage that right then.

“I guess I should carry you over. That way you’ll be able to catch your breath.”

Rem was about to insult the maid some more when he moved to her side and bent down. Was he presenting his head for a nibble? But no, the stupid maid grabbed Rem with both arms, one under her knees, the other by her back.

She started to kick and twist, but then the maid lowered his head, a head that was very close to hers, and locked eyes with her. She swallowed.

“Please don’t squirm that way. I wouldn’t want to drop a guest.”

“Stupi--” Rem’s insult was cut off as the maid took to the air and landed on a rooftop, and then they were off, skipping from roof to roof, with barely a tap as the maid launched himself up at the end of every leap.

The voyage was awful, even with Rem squirming as hard as she could. She didn’t want to fall, but she also didn’t want to do what the stupid maid told her to.

They landed in a little courtyard soon enough, just a lot at the back of an inn that Rem had probably walked past a dozen times already while looking for the maid.

“Hello Daddy,” the maid said. “Hello limpet.”

“Hey Alex,” a girl said. Rem spun around in the maid’s--Alex’s?--arms and looked over to the corner of the courtyard. There was a table there, with a pile of books atop it. Next to that was an old man sitting and reading. A few steps over was a human girl who was in the middle of setting up a dummy.

“Do you need help with that?” the maid asked.

“This?” the girl asked. “Nah, I’m fine. Thank you. It’s just a bit heavy, but I’ll figure it out. What about you, who’s that?”

“I’m Rem, and I’m going to eat all of you!” Rem declared.

“This is Rem,” the maid said. “She’s a guest.”

“Hello,” the girl said.

Rem hissed at her.

“Alex, can you bring the specimen over here please?” the old man by the table said.

“I’ll eat you too!” Rem swore.

The maid carefully set Rem down on her feet.

The moment she was out of his grasp, she backed up and spread her arms wide while hissing as hard as she could.

The maid seemed entirely unfazed. “Please sit,” he said while pulling a chair out in front of the old man.

“No! I don’t want to,” Rem said.

The old man cleared his throat. Rem looked at him, and her arms, in the process of wiggling for dominance, froze, her breath caught in her throat and she felt her very soul shudder. The man wasn’t a man at all. It was all a disguise, a lie.

She couldn’t see under the lie, not even with all five of her eyes. No, but she could sense what the creature there was, and it was horrific. It stank of death and despair, of the destruction of worlds and the trampling of nature. Not some senseless violence. No, it was worse then that. It was the little human boy, pulling the wings off a mantis because he wanted to see how they worked.

“Please sit,” the man said, gesturing to the seat across from him.

Rem hissed, but when that failed to do much at all, she carefully moved over to the seat, then hissed at the maid standing behind it until he went away a little. She sat.

“Do you have a name?” the man asked.

Rem’s mandibles worked. Telling this thing her name felt like a mistake.

Not telling it her name felt like more of one. “Rem.”

“Rem? That’s certainly a name, yes,” he said. She had the impression he was disappointed. “I would have named you something like Manny.”

That was a stupid name, and he was a stupid... thing for thinking of it. But Rem wasn’t stupid, so she wouldn’t tell me that she thought that.

“I have questions for you, Rem.”

Rem hesitated. “I don’t want to answer them,” she said. It was the truth. If she learned one thing about living with a god for a mother, it was that lying was unwise. Too many sisters had been eaten for being clever.

In fact, being too clever was generally an edible offense.

“If you wish,” the man said. “There are other ways of obtaining knowledge. Besides, I only really want to know about you, not about what you know.”

“What?” Rem asked.

The man reached into his pockets and pulled out a vial. “Could you fill this with your blood please?”

Rem hissed at him and raised her arms higher. That trick didn’t seem to be working very well lately. The man rolled his eyes and muttered something. The vial filled with a dark red liquid while Rem stared. She felt just a tiny bit weaker at that.

“I suppose that’ll be all of it,” the man said. “Are you certain you don’t want to answer my questions?”

Rem’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t wanna tell you anything.”

“If only I had more time. Oh well. I doubt you’re the only one of your kind, right?” he asked. Rem slowly shook her head. “There will be other opportunities later then!” He faced the maid. “Take care of it, would you Alex.”

“Of course, Daddy.”

Rem understood then. This was the stupid maid’s stupid father. Just like how her mother was the goddess mother of all insects, the stupid maid’s daddy was the stupid daddy of bones or something.

She squirmed and protested as the maid grabbed her from behind. She didn’t squirm as hard as she could though.

Somehow... she felt defeated.

It wasn’t something that had happened often. Sometimes she failed to catch some prey. Sometimes a spar with a sister went wrong. But she had never felt so depressed before.

This was it. The maid would take care of her. She was done with.

Then the maid brought her to a luxurious bathroom and placed her in the middle of the room before moving towards a large tub in the corner. The maid spun some taps and steam-y hot water started to pour into the tub. Only the nicest places had that kind of feature.

Rem started to eye the window, but before she could jump out, the maid asked her a question. “Do you feel comfortable undressing before me, or would you rather I obtain the limpet’s help?”

“What?” Rem asked. “What are you thinking, stupid maid?”

“Have you ever taken a bath before?” the maid asked.

“You’re going to drown me?!”

“Of course not,” the maid said. “Would you rather I help, or the limpet?”

Rem hissed at him. “Who’s the limpet?”

“The young woman you met outside.”

The woman looked weak and edible. Rem could probably take her out.

“She’s Daddy’s apprentice.”

Rem hissed some more. If the girl was that thing’s apprentice, then it had to be strong, stronger than the maid even. But she had felt weak... a ruse! “You!”

“Me?” the maid asked.

“I’ll take the bath with you.”

“Brilliant. Do you want a bathing suit?”

“What? Why?” Rem asked.

“Some women find that more comfortable?” the maid tried.

“Stupid maid! I am a mantis! Mantises don’t have stupid human things like tits.”

The maid nodded. “And long you as you’re comfortable.” He bent down and shut the tap. “The water’s ready, please get in.” the maid bowed and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Rem rushed to the window, but hesitated. The maid wasn’t killing her... maybe she’d made a mistake?

And what were the chances she’d get away if she ran.

Hissing, she threw off her robe, then plunged into the water, splashing it all over until she was crouched in the tub.

The maid returned and paused in the doorway to look at her. He had a basket in his arms, filled with all sorts of dastardly bottles and items. So, it was torture then? She should have tried the window.

She spread her arms wide. “What do you want?”

“It’s nothing,” he said as he approached. Soon, he was adding more water, then he extracted a round bristly ball from the basket and brandished it at her.

“What’s that?” Rem asked.

“This is a loofa.”

“Torture! I won’t tell you anything, stupid maid!” Rem said as the vile thing came down on her.

The maid sighed. “Taking care of you will be a chore.”

***