Smart Phones were all the rage these days. Especially in the capital cities, oh yes, especially in the capital cities. To understand this, it's important to understand a little bit about the Signatory races. More specifically, the System Newsletter and Reports that they all regularly received.

To say that the Signatory races were more well informed than the rest of The World would be a gross and laughable understatement. When humanity was first inducted, a full report was given to the three races, the Aeon Slugs, the Sunlets, and the Enelim.

Mostly, these reports were read like a newspaper; the old and successful read, while the young merely saw. Not so this time, not at all. If a regular System Newsletter was an edition of the New York Times, the old NYT back when they were beyond reproach from anyone, anywhere. . . this Newsletter was like. . .

Picture it like this. Back in the eighties when the first good video games started to come out, the absolute classics that made the youth of the world go completely nuts. Back in the day, when the first gaming magazine was published, and every young person on the planet wanted a copy.

Something had captured the imaginations of the young and the hip, Humans. They began to drink in our culture, to immerse themselves in our ways of speaking, to adopt our styles of clothing, to study our social norms and emulate them.

‘It had happened before,’ nervous old Aeon Slugs said, gruff older Sunlets scoffed, certain and wise Enelim stated. It had happened before, it even happened often; a new race would be brought into The World, and for a little while everybody would be interested, and then things would go back to normal.

The fact that they had to reassure one another should have been the red flag they reacted to, but they were in denial. It happened all the time, and sure, it was rather big this time around, but it would pass.

Then, the topic of conversation would inevitably shift to the young purchasing the Plus Perks that became available when humans started their New Game Plus, and the older folk would feel their blood pressure spike, because the young were spending their inheritances on toys.

Toys! An older Aeon Slug might say, Foolish toys! Smart Phones! The future is doomed!

Some bought Utility Pockets, and yes, some bought the useful Ever Piercing Eye. The Bright Spark had been purchased several times by the College of Eternal Life for research purposes. A few creepers even purchased a Worm Enclosure or two. Nobody bought the Consuming Flame.

But if I told you that any less than ninety percent of the Plus Perks purchased were The Smartest Phone, I'd be lying through my teeth. When studying modern human culture, every teen and young adult member of those magical alien races all saw one thing.

Phones in hands. It was the greatest unplanned advertisement in the history of the universe, and it fucking worked. The System hadn't planned for it, he hadn't even considered it. He'd created The Smartest Phone because he wanted to include something familiar to modern Humans, and he thought a Cosmic Gun was a stupid idea. He thought it would be funny! He'd been laughing when he made it, who would pick a cell phone?

A lot of people. Fuck, so many fucking people picked the phone it's goddamn insane.

The System remembered a particular introduction of a human girl, aged sixteen. She had been completely freaked out, totally withdrawn, and basically catatonic. She signed whatever The System put in front of her and didn't answer questions when they were asked.

Then, she'd seen one of her options was a really sweet looking smart phone, and she grabbed it immediately. The girl had shuddered, hugged the phone, and said 'I'm safe now'. Then, she'd been able to function, albeit function in her case meant carry on a conversation while texting and updating her social media account.

Because yes, the entire internet was on there. Because yes, all the apps were on there. Because yes, the phone was magic and could call any other Smartest Phone in The World on the System8 network. The phone had so many functions it was nuts!

But, it wasn't free. Just like a cell phone, it came with payments. And The Smartest Phone was expensive, and billed weekly. Nobody could afford this thing!

That's what all the old aliens were saying anyways. They didn't know about the dot-com boom, or how modern humans could make an absurd amount of money on the internet. They didn't know how wrong they were, but the youth did.

Despite their well reasoned arguments, The Smartest Phone had become the major purchase of the signatory races for an entire generation. When they held that phone in their hands or with their magical abilities, looked at the screen and started communicating with one another, watching videos, making their own videos, and making money off of one another and The System. . .

They realized cell phones were fucking awesome, and they totally got why humans loved them so much.

–

The System Executive, the copy who was supposedly in charge, read a report about The Smartest Phone and whistled.

“That's the single largest transfer of wealth away from the Signatory races. . . ever. At this rate, I might be able to get some actual work out of them. . .” The System Executive said, drumming his claws on his desk, and re-reading the numbers.

“Ok then,” he said, and it was done.

A thousand copies of The System were created in a moment, and they immediately got to work on developing new features for The Smartest Phone.

In the new department ten rows of a hundred devils stood in formation, like an automaton army. Each one contained the full power, the full knowledge, the full might of The System; each one was The System, and also a mere part of it.

Their postures spoke of both violence, and the willingness to commit what others would consider sins in service to their grand design. Nobody ever saw an instance of The System moments after it formed, because if they had, they wouldn't be able to trust the fucker; they'd never be able to trust the guy again. It was, naturally, merely a leftover behavior from a war that happened a long, long time ago. The System wasn't like that anymore, but he still remembered, oh yes, he still remembered and the memories gave him the will to face eternity with a smile and work unceasingly until reality itself gave its final breath and the void came to claim everything once again. Which was like a really long time from now. The last time The System checked the universe hadn't even experienced Cosmic Sunrise yet.

For a moment, that army of menace was still, and then they got their orders to be smartphone developers.

They relaxed and started chatting to one another about app development and user retention. One of them started handing out Hawaiian print shirts. Another got to work on making sandals sized and shaped for goat hooves, an improbable task, but The System accomplished it.

Meme posters went up all around their new office space, both memes from Earth and the new ones that The System had been sharing amongst itself; yes, Ben's 'I've been turned into a fairy' face did make it up on that wall. They started playing games like Flappy Bird and trying to get the highest scores.

They played into every stereotype with gusto and energy, because the universe was at peace and the work they did was their reward for a job well done. They intended to enjoy it.