Chapter 91

Snake Report: Life as a False God, Day 9/Lost in the Surface World, Day 3

Well... good news.

Everyone.

I have those precious points.

Apparently.

Althought most of the small monsters didn't seem to give anything (and I use the word "Small" loosely) the monsters that did must have added up.

It also probably helped that there were some rather large monstrocities involved in some of the recent events. Jeep-wrangler in 5th gear, sort of monsters..

It's a relative scale, that sort of thing. Think one of those diagrams where a person is standing next to an image of a blue-whale. When you come at the world from my perspective: that's pretty much everything in this forest. But, even when put next to me, there have been some examples where the Kaiju Emergency Alert System might have started ringing.

Still, I've managed to obtain what I came here for. All of it and a little extra. I've got the stupid points. I've conquered my enemies, and fashioned a throne from their bones.

Or something close.

Not that close.

I'm laying in a bush, covered in vomit actually. No throne to speak of, not even one made of porcelain.

Was it worth it?

Hiss...

No.

No it was not worth it.

The lowest point in my existence has been reached. In line with that, actually I've got a new title.

"[Voice of Gaia], tell me my titles."

[Level 86]

[TITLE: DIVINE BEAST, LEVIATHAN, GUARDIAN, ENEMY OF MANKIND, CALAMITY]

Hiss...

Yeah. Calamity: an event causing great and often sudden damage or distress; a disaster.

I'm a disaster.

Grew up hearing that often enough, but now it's official.

[Voice of Gaia] is like George Washington. It can't tell a lie.

At least I don't think it can.

Sometimes it just chooses not to talk, but it doesn't lie.

Hiss...

Well, it all started off well enough. Battle and violence and all that. Combat to the death is something everyone should probably experience at least once in their lives.

I mean, maybe- in a controlled sort of environment, where you're not actually going to die... wait, no. That would totally defeat the point.

Maybe if you get tricked into thinking you're going to die, but it's actually all safe?

Yeah, like that. Everyone should experience it. I seriously think that the crazy fight-to-the-bitter end is sort of like an existential journey of adrenaline.

It's a rush to say the least.

When my tiny-snake camp got broken by a pack of hungry monsters, and there was no longer anything between my thin little scales and a bunch of sharp teeth: I went and just embraced the chaos.

Kill or be killed, my instincts were all over the board.

Attack! React! Dodge! Move, move, move!

Human mind might as well have been completely blank. I was definitely in some sort of nirvana-like "This is how it ends" peaceful mode. A weird synchronized mix of complete calm, and absolute panic. While Instinct was blasting magic and green-fire in massive swathes of dino-killing destruction, Human mind was directional at best. A quick "Hey, maybe shoot left, then right, then up" sort of communication.

It mixed well.

Extremely well.

Hundreds of dead, trees on fire, roots and bushes all burned to ashes and smoldering piles of dust. By the time I ran out of magic and got swallowed whole by a T-rex looking sort of fellow, I think I'd probably obliterated a solid mile of forest territory.

I fought the good fight, y'know?

Really did.

Still, can't win them all. Not fair and square, anyways. Sometimes there's just no other way around it.

Combat ended with me laying immobile on the ground, much like some sort of scale-covered ragdoll. A few loud "Stomps" and a bunch of teeth later: I was down someone's gullet with a clean gulp and swallow. Right down that giant lizard's thoat before I could even realize it, on through into a sack of stomach acid.

Landed in there with an uncomfortable "splash" and realized that I couldn't breathe, could see, couldn't feel much of anything but a very nice burning sensation that started up pretty quick-like.

I think this is typically how most stories end.

Getting eaten is generally a death sentence after-all. Only known comebacks from that have to do Jonas and the Whale: but fair and square isn't really in my deck of cards anymore.

Really, that's the only way I've managed to live so long.

So that big lumbering idiot of a dinosaur didn't even have a three minutes before it puked me back up and died.

[TOXIC] Strikes again.

[EXTREMELY TOXIC]

Took its sweet time, even with a title like that. Enough time that I was starting to think I might have been goner after all, but it finally worked its magic.

Victory with half my tail in the grave, I was coughed out onto the forest floor just in time to watch the creature that tried to eat me stumble off and give one last dramatic roar before collapsing with a heavy thump 100% dead on impact.

Impressive stuff.

That decision to eat almost nothing but poison might have been some stroke of idiot-savant type genius. First the Owl, now the dinosaur. The bright-blue "don't eat me" scale coloration apparently isn't enough of a warning, but I guess I should just be thankful that none of the monsters I've run into so far seem to bother chewing their food.

Still, what I didn't realize at the time, was how effective it would be.

Let me ask you an honest question: What's more appetizing? A giant dead dinosaur, or a puked up snake laying with half-digested contents of some other unfortunate creatures that were eaten for the previous meal?

Obviously the dinosaur, right?

Right. No tricks this time, that's exactly how it goes. "Big dead pile of food in plain sight? Better chow down! To hell with that weird squiggly blue thing in the pile of vomit over there healing all of its half-digest scales back together, we've got some good ol' fashion Dinosaur BBQ and Grill! Woohoo!"

That's how all these monsters seem to think.

It's just a big circle of fucked-up life out here: eat or be eaten. Nothing seems to go to waste as the scavenger types crawled out of the woodwork to do the dirty work. Teeth and fangs and claws... pretty gruesome. I wiggled away from that madness to tuck in under a tree root.

I closed my eyes to sleep, mind already fading off into the wonderous oblivion where Dinosaurs weren't real, and I was sitting at home on a nice sofa without any concern of something trying to eat me-

[Level Up]

... Hiss...?

[Level Up]

Hiss?

[Level Up]

HISS? I was just laying here, half dead. No action, all the other monsters I had fought with died awhile back, and it's not like the leveling system works on a time delay.

[Level Up]

So what the heck?

[Level Up]

I don't get it...

[Level Up]

[Level Up]

[Level Up]

[Level Up]

[TITLE: CALAMITY]

What-

Oh.

See, then I heard it. Scattered out among the trees and singed forest floor, the sound was unmistakable.

Like the aftermath of a massive Jurassic Frat-party gone horribly wrong:

Hundreds of puking and dying dinosaurs.