[Planetary Overlord Crushes-Valiant, Regent of Earth, Fortress-Breaker (...)]: Sit tight for a moment longer, young man.

[Beginner Mortal Hunter “bump/Schmidt/Red” Redsmith, Kid of Earth, Confused]: i can’t sit. i can’t move. what’s going on?

[C-V]: Hmm, I thought a [Human] idiom might calm you. My apologies, I did not consider the implications of the literal translation.

[H R]: i can’t see either. or hear. but i can see and hear you?

[H R]: you look heavy, wow

[C-V]: That is, hmm, a consequence of the medium. Your sensory difficulties, that is, not my weight.

[C-V]: I am, in actuality, quite heavy. Thank you for noticing. It is a point of pride.

[H R]: you’re welcome

[H R]: ...so what’s going on?

[C-V]: Please, give me your opinion on the series of events, first. I am reading non-standard levels of certain hormones and brain activity patterns. I will recalibrate my bounds, if needed.

[H R]: umm. i got greedy. i wanted to be good at too many things. i screwed something up, and now i broke it

[C-V]: Hmm, and what is it that you think you broke? I would like to make a note of it in my records, please.

[H R]: [Infra]? umm, wait that’s dumb. my [Infra]?

[C-V]: Nothing of the sort has happened, young man. [Infra] is still working just fine, across thousands of [Realms]. You personally, however, are going to be, hmm, inconvenienced for a little while longer.

[H R]: yeah. last time this summoning thing wore off a lot faster

[C-V]: Summoning thing? Oh, you are referring to the aftereffects of an improperly calibrated intrarealm teleport. I do recall those being, hmm, unpleasant.

[C-V]: That is not what you are experiencing, however, as I have not substantiated you.

[H R]: umm, huh?

[C-V]: You have not been conveyed in total from your [Realm] to the one I am currently occupying. You are, hmm, in one of the information conduits in what we would colloquially refer to as Infraspace. It would have been extraneous to fully summon you, when I can just as easily examine you as data.

[H R]: wait. so i’m stuck in a pipe? like you didn’t bother-

[H R]: i’ve heard about this! from Dad! this is a transporter accident, you transporter accidented me

[C-V]: Please, be calm, young man. This was no accident, in fact it’s a fairly common procedure, and it will only last as long as it takes for me to ascertain and correct the error.

[H R]: this is, for real, umm. on both a personal and existential level. so terrifying

[C-V]: My apologies, once again. It should relieve you, then, to know that I have addressed the problem. I would ask that you hang on for a short period of time more while I research why such a minor error was flagged for my attention.

[C-V]: Hmm, “hang on” also has a root in physicality. The sheer extent of what [Human] languages have added to the lexicon is extraordinary. I will, hmm, attempt a third idiom in the near future, and I anticipate success.

[H R]: BLINK

[H R]: so umm, what was the problem? since it’s gone now

[C-V]: As I said, it was minor. You earned a vanity [Achievement] that is commonly only awarded to [Sapients] of a much higher level. I adjusted the rewards and it should no longer be any trouble.

[H R]: vanity [Achievement]? i don’t get it

[C-V]: [Infra] has estimated, that for certain [Sapient] species, the existence of, and subsequent search for, unusual [Achievements], [Classes], and [Mods] helps individuals maintain a higher engagement rate with [Infra]’s primary goals.

[C-V]: That’s the official statement. I wouldn’t have wanted to give you the wrong impression about how I felt about such things.

[H R]: oh. so good boy, here’s a cookie. nuts, i thought i got something cool

[C-V]: Yes, hmm, that’s apt. I will show you the changes I have made. The first screen is what it would have appeared as, sans errors, had I received the [Achievement], and the second is how it will read when you return to your [Realm].

[Four-fold Path] You have unlocked four (4) base skills. [Graviton Knight] upgraded to [Four-fold Graviton Knight], more [Class] options available [Four-fold Path] You have unlocked four (4) base skills, at the [Beginner] division. +skill growth

[C-V]: That trivial adjustment should not affect too many [Sapients], and should go into effect immediately. I have registered this change with [Infra] and my fellow [Overlords].

[H R]: …[Graviton Knight]? that is so cooool

[C-V]: Hmm, thank you. It was a fair amount of work to achieve and to live up to the standards of. I appreciate the sentiment.

[H R]: so, umm. can i go home now?

[C-V]: I have not yet found the reason for which your issue was sent to me directly. I ask you, with all due respect young man, to please cool your jets.

[H R]: haha oh man

[H R]: no one’s gonna believe this. officially now

[H R]: anyway, umm. i might have an idea? i got some kinda [INVALID] flag already, might wanna look at that

[H R]: and then, you know. please not delete me after

[C-V]: That is, hmm, definitely one factor. I believe it is most likely a combination of minor issues, that when combined put the error over a certain threshold. I have been in this position for ten of your [Years] and I still have not mastered every aspect of the [Regency].

[H R]: minor? whew. can i ask what they were? umm, i mean, may i?

[C-V]: I will excise the relevant section from my report and show it to you, of course.

(events, when possible, sorted chronologically)

Parent with non-optimal neural connection, possibly transversal portal related Festival Inference Program returned conflicting results, no rating given [Sapient] accessed partially-defunct [Emergency Protocol] systems prior to integration Near Unique [Talent] awarded, randomly selected from [Crushes-Valiant]’s Enrichment Experiment #071 [Emergency Protocol Achievements] awarded, partially as a result of (3.) Very low percentile ratings assessment In possession of commerce-restricted [Essence] manipulating device

[H R]: so i’m like a weirdo. great, cool

[C-V]: That is not how I would phrase it, young man. You’ve made some decisions that others wouldn’t have. I would say there is nothing inherently wrong with that, but [Infra] will typically skew to a more, hmm, results-based schema. For instance, here is your current assessment review, helpfully provided by my [Infra] assistant.

[C-V]: Low resource generation, compared to [Humans] of similar age. Very low resource generation, compared to historical custom [Path] holders. Very high computation drain for combat scenarios. Atypical [Talent] selection, resulting in high computation drain for [Talent] pre-loading. Low statistical confidence regarding lifetime [Essence] gathering. Very low statistical confidence regarding lifespan.

[H R]: oof. you can just cross that all out and put “redheaded problem child”

[C-V]: I really must put more time into learning more [Human] idioms.

[C-V]: May I ask, knowing that there is a strong cultural bias on [Earth] against this sort of information being shared between relative strangers, what your goals and aspirations actually are?

[H R]: double oof. i’m such a mess even the [Overlord]’s winding up a pep talk

[H R]: so my mom and dad, they got a lot of ideas. one of em is that you should always be doing good, but like. you should always be aiming to do the most good

[H R]: i guess that’s like an obvious thing? but Mom says it’s not, and Dad says that you can start a pretty mean war if you start talking about what “the most good” actually means

[H R]: my best friend Miracle, he knows what i’m talking about, i think. see, like we’ve got these defenders. they protect the town. if the town gets attacked, they save people. that’s doing good

[H R]: but Miracle’s got this group now. kids from all over. they get together, they train, they make sure they’re at their best. then if anywhere gets attacked, anywhere they can reach, they save people. that’s doing the most good. i think

[H R]: like, helping anyone at all is good. but it’s easy too. helping as many people as you possibly can is hard, but it’s the most good. does any of that make sense?

[C-V]: I’m following your logic, yes. I have heard similar sentiments from, hmm, many differing [Sapients].

[H R]: so i know i’m weird. i know i get distracted easy. i can’t go that route. his route. what if i’m sad and in bed all day. what if i freaked out and wasn’t even in town. i know that whatever i do, that’s going to be the most good, it’s going to have to play to my strengths

[H R]: i’ve read the histories. strong sense of duty? order. strong sense of community? defender. useful skills or hard worker? villager. weirdo misfit who doesn’t get along with anyone? adventurer

[H R]: and adventurers get killed. four billion people died in the apocalypse. top three demographics? people outside the ages of 7-55, anyone else with critical medical needs, then adventurers. had to search really hard to find that out

[C-V]: Those statistics are sadly accurate, yes. Please, continue.

[H R]: another thing Mom and Dad say is, umm. an accident you could have avoided is just a mistake

[H R]: that one’s less rules to live by and more yelling at me when i run into the screen door and rip it down

[H R]: so like, all those people that died? accident. but if i went out and did it, mistake

[H R]: so my goals and aspirations? don’t die. get strong and smart enough to make sure i don’t. help whoever i can. make a difference

[H R]: and yeah, it sucks that like, for a while i’m going to be some kind of poor investment. sry. but umm, it’s not the end of the world. cuz that already happened, get it?

[C-V]: Hmm, so you’re amassing the maximum amount of ability before even stepping foot on the ladder. In addition, because you are in a liminal generation between the [Emergency Protocols] and a settled, [Full Member] civilization, you are taking full advantage of the privileges afforded to both. Ostensibly limited period boosts combined with no external pressure to advance out of that period. I will have to run a search to find out just how many [Humans] your age are doing something similar.

[H R]: yeah, umm. that’s not cheating right?

[C-V]: I may do something about it in the future, but for now, hmm, you will be fine. If I may, I’d like to offer one piece of advice, especially since you seem to be in the habit of collecting it.

[H R]: for sure

[H R]: flip, i mean. yessir, i’d appreciate that

[C-V]: There are a small number of rituals that, at first glance, appear to be a way to modify one’s [Class] to a more specialized variant. They provide moderate benefits with a cost of perhaps being too, hmm, focused. However, they are available to be performed by anyone, even [Beginners]. I think you would do well with one.

[H R]: oh wow. yes, thank you. as soon as i get back. which will be when, exactly?

[C-V]: I will start the process to resubstantiate you where you were previously. It was a pleasure to meet and listen to the concerns of one of my young charges, and I wish you the best in the future. Now, I say this, once again, with all due respect, hmm, but don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

[H R]: ...haha ok that was a good-