《Homicidal Aliens are Invading and All I Got is This Stat Menu》01.04.05
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Tori, several members of the Secret Service, and some Marines who had been transferred into the USAIF met Anya and Pan on the outskirts of DC. It was USAIF policy that any meeting of two or more hosts take place outside any major cities. Everybody had scrambling bands now, but the government wasn’t taking any chances.
The USAIF had settled on a housing development that was currently under construction and vacant for several miles, save for the wooden skeletons of half-finished houses. Anya decloaked the V-200 and landed in the center of a cul-de-sac. The entrance to the circular drive was blocked off by sleek, futuristic looking cars that Anya knew to be some of Gary’s gifts. They’d be heavily armored and decked out with emergency countermeasures to defend against alien attack.
The USAIF agents were each clad in powerful body armor, but wielded conventional rifles. As Gary had said: transportation and defense, but no weapons.
A tall, thin blond woman wearing oval glasses and a stylish dress stood amongst the dour-faced men and women and waved with both arms at Anya. Tori grinned as Anya and Pan exited the V-200 and walked towards them.
“Hi hi hi!” Tori said and hurried forward to hug Anya.
“Heya Tori,” Anya said and hugged her friend back.
“Ooooh my god. Gentle, gentle! I can feel my ribs cracking,” Tori said with an exaggerated groan. Anya released her at once and Tori let out a breath. “Holy cow you did get stronger.”
“Sorry! Shit, are you okay?” Anya asked.
“I’m fine, I’m mostly just jerking your chain. But seriously, you better be careful with whoever your next hook-up is,” Tori said and winked at her. Anya rolled her eyes.
“Hi Tori!” Pan said and hugged her leg. Tori knelt down and cooed over him, which Pan was too happy to indulge. One of the Secret Service men behind Tori cleared his throat.
“Oh, right, we should get going. Little mister here has some briefings to go through today and tomorrow,” Tori said.
“Is this about the interview?” Anya asked. Tori nodded.
“How’d you find out?”
“We ran into MacDougal at Gary’s factory. Told us all about it. They don’t waste any time, do they?”
“Nope. With no sign of the enemy aliens, the government’s desperate to present something that shows they’re not just full of shit. No offense guys!” Tori said and turned to the agents at her back. They all stared at her, expressionless. “I imagine MacDougal mentioned she wanted you to sit for an interview as well?”
Anya nodded. “Yeah. I didn’t commit to anything.”
“Do I hafta be interviewed? It sounds scary,” Pan said.
“Not if you don’t want to,” Anya said.
“Yeah, if you just wanna hang out, you can,” Tori added.
“Would the interview thing help?” Pan asked.
“It might,” Tori said. “I’ve only gotten a crash course in PR. And let’s be honest: I’ve mostly only been hired to keep you happy. But from what I’ve heard, having you and Anya on-screen wouldn’t be a bad move. For now though, it’s just gonna be getting you used the the idea, coaching and that kinda thing. No interviews today.”
“Okay, I can do coaching,” Pan said with a smile and nod.
“Follow Agent Lindsey there,” Tori said pointed to a woman in power armor. “She’s been dying to meet you.”
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“New friend?” Pan asked and waddled toward the woman. Her stoic mask cracked a bit and she smiled at the pangolin as she led him away to the waiting car. Anya waved at Pan and then looked at Tori as she stepped closer to her.
“Did MacDougal say anything else?” Tori asked.
“Sounded like she was trying to spy on Gary and get weapons out of him,” Anya said. “Why?”
“That’s nothing new. People in Washington are more desperate for whatever Gary and the other builder-type hosts are making than our firm ever was for money. So you think you’ll do the interview, huh?”
“I dunno. I really would just rather not. Sounds like a pain,” Anya said.
“Can I be honest with you?” Tori asked.
“Always.”
“I think you and the other hosts haven’t realized how freaky this all is for the rest of us,” Tori said then put up her hands when Anya opened her mouth to protest. “That’s not a dig. Just…you had Felix explain pretty much everything on day one. The rest of the world had been wondering what the deal was for nearly a week before Renn’s announcement, and then had to wait for confirmation from Hanover a couple days later.
“And even since then, most people have no idea what hosts are, what they can do, what they look like. It’s why rumors about hosts being more aliens are so popular. Nobody knows! And with all the crazy shit that’s been happening, their imaginations jump to the worst conclusions.”
“So Pan’s interview should work out fine then,” Anya said.
“Look, Pan’s very adorable, but ‘adorable’ isn’t always what you want when you’re telling people you have homicidal aliens to kill,” Tori said. “And from what you’ve told me, Pan is still a little bit hesitant to actually do any real fighting.”
“A little bit,” Anya sighed.
“You’re almost seven feet of fire-slinging muscle woman. And y’know, you can be cuter than you think, even when you were potato-shaped,” Tori said and gently elbowed her in the side. Anya snorted and nudged her back.
“I can sling light and gravity now too,” Anya said.
“Oh yeah, you still gotta show me your respec.”
“It’ll have to wait. Gary needs me for a test and before that…I gotta go see my mom.”
“Oh, oof,” Tori winced. “Talk about making the end of the world scary.”
“Wow. That’s very reassuring. Thanks a bunch, friend.”
“I’m going entirely off what you’ve told me,” Tori said. Anya sighed and nodded. “I was supposed to escort Pan back to DC, but I could come with you if you want. They’re pretty interested in keeping you all happy so if I told them you needed me, they’ll be fine with it.”
Anya blushed. It felt absurd to be this nervous about going to see her mother after everything she had been through. Alien refrigerators, Chinese killer robots, and potential super villain hosts she could stomach.
But her mother?
“I feel like a little kid for wanting back-up but…” Anya said.
“Nah. Your mom sounds scary as hell. I’ll go let Pan and the agents know what’s up,” Tori said and jogged over to the open car where Pan sat with Agent Lindsey.
“Lindsey said there are things called ant farms?” Pan asked Tori as she approached and Anya trailed behind her.
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“Uh, yeah!” Tori said.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Pan said.
“Well they’re not very big, and you usually have more ants in the bags you get from the RAC store,” Anya said.
“But farms! Of ants!” Pan said and waved his claws.
“Bee-Eff didn’t tell you either,” Anya pointed out.
“Bee-Eff isn’t very smart.”
“If you want an ant farm, I’m sure the RAC store has one cheap, but you could also just ask your new pal Lindsey to get one,” Tori said. “I’m sure the government can pick up the tab on that sort of thing.”
“Yay!” Pan said. “I’ll do interviews if I get an ant farm.”
“Speaking of that,” Tori said and told Pan and Lindsey about how she’d be leaving with Anya for “liaison business.”
“You’ll be okay without us, Pan?” Anya asked.
“I’ll miss you, but I know how to use the contact list. Will you be away a long time? Like Alaska?” Pan asked. She hadn’t seen the pangolin for almost two weeks and he had called her on the verge of whatever passed for pangolin tears more than once.
“No, just for a few hours, maybe the day. Then I’m going back to Gary’s or to see Samaira or Immonen and I’ll pick you up,” Anya said.
“Promise?” Pan said and stuck out his smallest claw.
“I promise,” Anya said and wrapped her pinky around the claw. It was something the new host that had spent two weeks with Pan had taught him while they were together in Texas. Pan had attached the utmost gravitas to the almighty Pinky Swear since then.
“Okay then. Bye bye!” he waved and then immediately went back to pelting Lindsey with questions about ant farms. Tori laughed and walked to the V-200 with Anya. The convoy of armored vehicles pulled away from the housing development and drove to DC as the V-200 lifted into the air and flew to South Carolina.
“If you don’t mind me asking, what made you decide to do this now?” Tori asked beside Anya. Unlike the V-187, the V-200 had a co-pilot’s seat as well as room in the back for six others. The pilot’s chair no longer rotated around fully, but that was fine with Anya.
Anya sighed and responded, “Gary. Sort of. The test he wants to do in a couple days is kinda risky. And if it works, I think the end of the invasion will be in sight. So either we kill the aliens or…”
“Let’s try and stay positive,” Tori said. “The alternative is kind of a bummer.”
“Right. Plus, I’m not doing anything but spinning my wheels at this point. I go on patrols sometimes, but it’s a waste of time with my signal hidden and the aliens hiding too. And now my sister is texting me a lot and it’s just another thing I have to think about when I shouldn’t be.” Anya waved her hand in a circular motion as if to say “on and on and on.”
“I get it,” Tori nodded. “So you haven’t told her anything? Or your sister?”
“Nope,” Anya shook her head.
“Your mother and sister still think you’re hobbit-sized?”
“I was not hobbit-sized,” Anya said. “I was five-foot-five. That’s like——”
“A lil’ hobbit,” Tori said and smirked.
“Asshole,” Anya shook her head but smiled.
“I’d say I’d be able to help confirm your identity, but your family never met me. I think I said ‘Hi,’ to your mom on the phone once when you were talking to her and she ignored me.”
“Yeah,” Anya sighed. “I’m hoping she’ll just recognize my face. It’s still the same.”
“You might wanna call in advance,” Tori suggested. Anya wanted to say that going to visit in person was bad enough without a phone-call leading up to it, but realized her friend was right. Her mother needed some kind of prepping. She had her phone out and had hit her mother’s contact in her list before she could change her mind.
“Just don’t crash us or anything while you’re flying,” Tori said.
“Got it covered,” Anya said as her mother’s phone rang. “Autopilot: continue course to my mom’s house.”
“Course confirmed. ETA: 25 minutes at current speed. Accelerate?” the autopilot’s robotic voice intoned.
“No, current speed is fine,” Anya said and leaned back in her chair.
Another ring.
Another.
“Anya?” An older feminine voice with a distinct southern drawl answered.
“Yeah. Hey Mama,” Anya said.
Silence.
“Ma?” Anya asked.
“Where in heaven’s name have you been?” her mother demanded, her voice ratcheting up several decibels. Anya winced. “It’s the damned end of the world and my own daughter just vanishes! Won’t return messages, won’t answer her phone! This is not how I raised you!”
“Hoo boy,” Tori said and slumped down in her seat. Anya didn’t have her mother on speaker phone but she was plainly loud enough to be heard by her friend anyway.
“That’s kinda what I wanna talk about. I’m a few minutes away from your place. Are you there?”
“You’re in Clemson?” her mother asked and her voice softened. Anya glanced at her map. She wasn’t even in South Carolina yet, but she’d be there soon enough.
“Yeah. Should be driving up in a few minutes,” Anya replied.
“You haven’t visited in a while.”
“I know. But like you said: end of the world.”
“Well if this is what it takes to get a visit out of you, fine. At least your sister has been taking care of me.”
Anya sighed. “Before I get there, you need to know something. I’ve changed.”
“I’m aware.”
“No Mama, physically changed. I uh, lost a lot of weight and had a growth spurt. Went to the gym, sorta.”
Tori arched an eyebrow at Anya and smirked. She extended a finger from the tip of her nose as if to indicate it getting longer like Pinocchio’s. Anya scowled at her.
“You had a growth spurt?” her mother asked.
“Look, I’ll explain everything, including why I haven’t been in touch with you or Annie the last month. I just don’t want you to think I’m some stranger when I knock on the door.”
“You barely speak to me as is, haven’t come to see me since two Christmases ago, and I’m not supposed to think you’re a stranger?”
Anya bit her lip and took a breath. “I’ll be there in less than 20 minutes.”
“We’ll see,” her mother replied, and hung up.
“Yaaaay, family,” Tori said in a weak voice.
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