Transcript from TalkBack: Views on the News with Brad Masterson(April 2nd):

BRAD: Hello and welcome to an incredibly special edition of TalkBack. In late February, our planet became host to alien technology. Three days later, aliens themselves invaded our only home and began to kill our friends, neighbors, and loved ones. It was quiet at first, but not for long. Within days, we began to take notice that something was very wrong on our little blue world.

We first thought it was terrorism, or natural disasters, or chemical leaks, or any number of other mundane scenarios that seemed more plausible than the incredible truth: we were not alone in the galaxy. Our home had become the battlefield for two extraterrestrial powers: one hostile and totally alien, the other potentially friendly and integrated with our fellow man.

Some people——by sheer, random chance——had become forcibly integrated with alien technology known as a menu system that allowed them to gain supernatural abilities and skills with just the touch of a button. These people became known as “hosts,” and they have been fighting for their safety and the rest of our world’s ever since.

Tonight on TalkBack, after much discussion with the White House and other world governments, we have the honor and privilege to speak with two such hosts. While host identities are considered classified by all governments, we have been given some basic information about our first guest.

She’s American, and has worked closely with the FBI almost from the start. We don’t have her legal name, but her call sign is “Warden,” and she is one of the hosts who defeated the aliens responsible for the Manhattan Tornado.

Our second guest really doesn’t need any callsigns, because he’s the only one of his kind. He’s originally from the Riverbanks Zoo in Columbia, South Carolina, and is the world’s first and only hyper-intelligent pangolin. He chose the name Pan for himself, and is also partly responsible for saving the city on the night of the Manhattan Tornado.

Welcome, Warden and Pan, and thank you for joining us.

WARDEN: Thank you Brad.

PAN: Hi Brad! Pan here!

BRAD: Very nice to meet you. [Laughs] So I think it’s obvious that I and our viewers have a lot of questions. Before we get started, is there anything you would like to tell us?

WARDEN: Yes. Me and the other hosts, we’re people just like you. I was born in America, went to school here, moved to New York. We’re not aliens. Even Pan, he’s a citizen of Earth, too. And we all just want to get these aliens off our planet, to help.

PAN: I’d like to make friends with more people after this is all over. Maybe see more places. The zoo was really boring.

BRAD: Thank you both. Now, one of the big questions we’ve had is about these menu things. They give you weapons to fight the aliens?

WARDEN: They give us a list of pretty much any skill you could think of and many of those are useful in fighting the aliens. For example, I have a kind of fire skill that lets me manipulate heat. Like this.

[Murmurs from behind the camera]

BRAD: It’s okay. It’s just a little fire. For our audience at home, I can assure you this isn’t a camera trick or special effect: Warden has created a tiny fireball in the air in front of us. Warden, can you make more?

WARDEN: Yes. That obviously wouldn’t be very safe right now, though. But I’ve managed to kill several aliens with this.

BRAD: And what about you, Pan?

PAN: Oh! I can make the earth do stuff.

BRAD: Can you show us?

PAN: Sure!

BRAD: Just a little——Aggh!

PRODUCER: Mr. Masterson!

PAN: Oops.

WARDEN: Oh god, are you okay, Brad?

BRAD: He threw my chair over with a rock. Ah, my arm.

PAN: I’m sorry!

PRODUCER: Cut to commercial!

WARDEN: MacDougal’s gonna have a shitfit.

BRAD: No swearing on air please!

PAN: I’m so sorry!

——WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK——

From The New York Times (April 3rd)

USAIF DIRECTOR CONFIRMS MAJOR ALIEN DEFEAT

USAIF Director Suzanne MacDougal stated that her agency and an international task force of hosts have successfully developed a method of locating and killing the alien invaders.

“Last week we found and destroyed ten of the inhuman invaders in under ten minutes,” MacDougal said to the press. “There was no property damage or injury or loss of human life. We have shared this method of finding and destroying the invaders with other governments, and several similar operations are currently underway. This was a success of America, Canada, and the UK working together with their hosts for the common good.”

When asked for details about how the aliens were killed, MacDougal declined to expand upon her comments.

“It’s classified, but I will say that’s safe to human life, and very effective at killing aliens,” she said.

MacDougal was also asked about the unfortunate interview on TalkBack, during which host Brad Masterson had his arm broken by one of the host guests.

“Mr. Masterson is fine. I broke my arm when I was in grade school and it wasn’t an issue,” MacDougal said. “As for Pan, the host responsible for the accident, he’s still learning about human society. He’s quite adept at fighting aliens, but has a few things to learn about interacting with people. He has apologized numerous times to Mr. Masterson, and they’ve quickly made amends and become friends.”

Masterson was later interviewed over the phone.

“It really is just a small fracture,” he said. “And honestly, I’d give an arm and a leg to get more air time with the hosts.”

Asked if he really had been okay with the pangolin host, Masterson replied, “Of course! It was a mistake. I was actually more put off by his attempt at an apology when he dumped a bunch of ants on me saying he was happy to ‘share,’ or something.”

From People’s Daily [Translated from Mandarin] (April 5th)

CHINA FLEXES ITS MIGHT AND DESTROYS THE ALIEN INVADERS!

Generalissimo Huang of the People’s Liberation Army stood before a packed Qinzheng hall and to thunderous applause as he announced a successful extermination of thirteen alien invaders.

“The attack was led by one of the People’s Liberation Army’s most decorated soldiers: Major Longsight,” Huang said, using the rank and call-sign for the premier Chinese host. Major Longsight was in attendance and also received a standing ovation.

“We have led several countries to victory in this attack,” Huang continued, “and through our determination, we have begun our campaign to victory and taking our planet back.”

The attack was a joint effort lead by China, and comprised of military and hosts from South Korea, Japan, Thailand, and Cambodia. Generalissimo Huang was adamant and profuse in his praise of the Chinese military and their contributions to the victorious mission.

From The Australian (April 8th)

ADMIRAL STATES “OUR COUNTER-ATTACK HAS BEGUN”

Admiral of the Royal Australian Navy James Jeffries informed a crowd of press that Australia was joining multiple other countries in a joint counter-attack against the alien invaders that have plagued cities across the globe since February.

“We’ve spoken with the Americans, the Chinese, and many others. We have a plan, we’re implementing it, and we’ve already eliminated several alien threats,” Jeffries said. “Our counter-attack has begun, and it has been successful.”

Admiral Jeffries was joined on stage by two of the much-talked-about hosts. Much like the American hosts that appeared on television recently, Jeffries was flanked by one human, and one “advanced animal,” host.

The human host was clad in a suit of futuristic armor and identified himself as call-sign “Bogan,” while the non-human host was introduced as Brody.

The latter is quite apt, as the host apparently started life as a great white shark who made his home in one of the country’s many reefs. Bogan named Brody after the character from the American films Jaws.

However, the formerly aquatic host assured his fellow Australians that he has no interest in eating humans.

“You lot taste [expletive] terrible,” Brody said.