《The Last Science [SE]》B2: Chapter 38 — The Very Long Night of Hailey Aurora Elizabeth Winscombe [pt. 4]
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A thump down the hall. Hailey hadn't slept a moment since Beverly left. Shuffling footsteps. She looked up, and in front of her, barely visible in the darkness as he moved into the next cell, was Alden Bensen.
Hailey looked away. She didn't need to see a vision of Alden in the bar, crushed and broken, moments from death. She'd had enough already.
"Hailey?" Alden's voice echoed around the corner of the cell wall, as soon as the guards had gone.
"No…" Hailey groaned. Not this. I'm so hungry and cold, I'm actually hallucinating now.
"Hailey, what—"
"Go away. I've had enough. Please."
"...Hailey, what's going on?"
"You're not real. Please. Leave me alone."
A long pause. "...Hailey, I'm real. I'm actually here."
Hailey shook her head, though of course he couldn't see it from the other cell. "You're just another one of them."
"Of what?"
"People I've failed. Stuff I've screwed up."
"What?" Alden sounded genuinely confused. "...Hailey, you saved my life. More than once."
"I just make everything worse."
"I'm seriously here," said Alden. "And you don't."
"...You can't be here," said Hailey, though doubt was beginning to edge into her mind. Maybe… maybe he really is here? But how?
Alden laughed a little. "It's a crazy story, but yeah, I'm here. I got arrested with Rika. They brought us here. They're holding everybody awakened here for now, until they figure it out."
"Why?"
"They think she killed some people, she didn't. She's awakened, so they're making a big deal of it."
Hailey frowned. "Oh…"
"Hailey, I'm really here. What's going on?"
Well, real or not, he's being a whole lot better than everything else my messed up head imagined. "I screwed up, Alden. A lot."
"How?"
"I nearly got a lot of people killed. I did get some people killed. I got…" Hailey choked up. "I got Jessica killed."
Alden didn't answer for a long time. Hailey finally uncurled from the floor and inched across to the bars. To her surprise, Alden wasn't actually in the cell next to hers, but across and diagonally a bit. They could actually see each other.
"I'm sorry," said Hailey quietly.
"For what?"
"The bar. You almost… you almost died in there."
"That's not your fault," said Alden.
"It is."
"No," he said, more forcefully. "We got betrayed. Harold tipped them off. He thought they'd let him go."
Pieces clicked into place in Hailey's mind—the strange way Harold had slipped into the building without them noticing, how the men had moved toward him as if they already knew him before taking the place, Harold's sigh of relief in the back room as the leader appeared to clear him. He'd been acting strangely that whole time. How had she missed it?
Of course I missed it. I'm terrible at this. I should never have been trying to be a hero. I just screw everything up.
"I still…"
"You saved my life, and everything else you've done made my life better, Hailey," said Alden. He smiled. "I'm sure Jess would have said the same."
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Hailey shook her head, her hair flying wildly. "I got her killed."
"I don't know anything about that," said Alden. "But I do know that no matter what, Jess wouldn't want this. You sitting in a cage blaming yourself for everything is the exact opposite of what Jess loved."
"I don't know why she loved me," whispered Hailey. "I didn't deserve it."
"Sure you did," said Alden. "Doesn't matter though. Jess made her choices. Sometimes she chose right, sometimes she chose wrong, but she made them. I mean, you know she tricked you when she moved in, right?"
"...What?"
He grinned. "She told me the whole story that night you guys stayed over 'cause you were too tired to fly home. Took like an hour, but she figured out how. Anyway. She was kicked out of her house way before you two moved in. She'd been living with Ian the whole time, even though the dorm didn't allow girls."
"I don't—"
"Jess was too ashamed to tell you," said Alden. "She wanted you to think she was worth loving. So she never did. She just started living with you, from zero to one hundred instantly. She said it was her 'Hailey' moment."
Hailey laughed weakly, the first time in what felt like forever.
Alden grinned. "Brave, no hesitation, reaching for the stars. That's what she loved about you. That's what I like about you too, you know."
"But I got people hurt that way," said Hailey, her brief moment of mirth deflating faster than a popped balloon. "I've screwed up really bad. I don't know if I can get past that."
Alden shook his head. "I don't think you ever can."
Hailey's eyes widened a little. That wasn't what she expected to hear.
He smiled, much sadder than before, but in a mature, hard-earned way that Hailey had never seen from him.
"I'm not saying it doesn't get better. I've gotten better. But it still hurts more than anything, you know?" He sighed, relaxing against the bars of his cell. "It was insane, going off on my own. I still hadn't slept a single night without Meg shaking me awake to stop the screaming. Probably stupid, but I learned something out there on my own."
"What?"
"You never get past anything." Alden's smile faded. "It just becomes a part of you. Always will be. I'm still going to feel it every time I see a gun, or every time I'm anywhere near Rallsburg, or every time I see a golem. It's still there. But… I'm dealing with it, you know? I'm… adjusting."
"I don't know how to do that," whispered Hailey.
He shrugged. "I didn't either. It took a long time, and a lot of talking." Alden smiled. "Natalie was actually the one who helped the most, I think, in a weird way. I ran into her yesterday with her friends."
"How's… how's she doing?" Hailey asked. She'd last seen the girl at the funeral, and Natalie had seemed even more broken than Hailey at the time.
"A lot better. She's been through hell, and she's way too mature for her age, but she's got friends and a place to live and people who look out for her." Alden grinned. "She's even got a boyfriend."
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Hailey choked out another laugh.
"We've been through some really insane stuff too," Alden went on. "You and me and Jess. Don't forget that you've got hindsight and it's really screwing with you. We did the best we could at the time. I don't think Jess would regret any of it. I don't, and I don't think you should either." Hailey opened her mouth to speak, but Alden kept going. "Yeah, we could've done things better. We still screwed up. But we can't think like that, or we wouldn't have done any good. Things would be even worse than they are."
"Would they?" asked Hailey.
"If you and I hadn't tried to do anything, we'd probably all be dead. We were up against so much." Alden sighed. "Me and Rachel got him, and I don't think that happens if you hadn't saved so many lives. You saved mine, don't forget."
Hailey winced. "But we still lost so many."
"Better the few we saved than none at all, right?"
Hailey swallowed. She took a deep breath, and looked up at the star through the window again. It was still so dark outside, but that star, that twinkling little star, reminded her of something.
It looked a little like the twinkle of pure joy in Jessica's eyes, the very first time she'd flown.
"...Yeah," said Hailey. "It's better."
Alden nodded. "And you're gonna get better too."
"...Yeah. Okay." Hailey nodded. It didn't feel better yet. She didn't expect it to. But it didn't feel quite so oppressive anymore. She could function, at least. She could do something.
She wasn't alone.
Alden spent the rest of the early hours catching her up on what he'd been doing. She smiled a few times, even laughed a little more at the ridiculous antics of Julian Black and Josh and Rika. It reminded her what she'd been missing out on, and what she'd be missing if she ended up staying in prison.
The guards returned as the sky began to brighten in the window. Alden got to his feet, as did Hailey. Hailey held out her hands, expecting to be moved yet again, but to her surprise they walked right past.
"You're being released, Bensen," one guard said gruffly.
"Huh?"
"They're letting you go. Nothin' to hold you on." One guard shrugged. "Guess they don't care about you."
Alden nodded. He looked over at Hailey. "Can I have a minute?"
"Only if you want to stay in here another night," said the guard, annoyed. "Come on, kid."
"Go," said Hailey, smiling for real finally. It almost felt foreign on her face, but it was a good feeling nonetheless. She could feel a bit of warmth returning, and even if that was actually just the sunlight coming in, it still helped in more ways than she could describe.
"I'll be back to visit as soon as I can," Alden promised as they walked away.
"Go chase your girl, Alden," Hailey called, now with a full grin on her face. "I'll be okay. Good luck!"
"You too!" he shouted back, right before they turned the corner and disappeared.
She sat back in her cell and looked at the little mirror over the sink—at her face and her hair, still utterly perfect and practically glowing thanks to the rituals she'd performed so long ago. All thanks to Jess. She figured this stuff out first. I was the one along for the ride.
Hailey had one more vision that night as the dawn broke and the city emerged once again into the light. Jessica, standing next to her in the mirror, blue-brown hair ruffled and half-covering her face, with a vague smile and a contented look in her eyes. Hailey nodded to her, and she nodded in return.
No words. Never any words. Just a simple, pure understanding.
Hailey closed her eyes and concentrated. She focused on her hair again, picking out the spots she wanted. It had to be perfect. It had to be exactly what she would have wanted.
She opened her eyes again, and her hair had a few new streaks of blue—Jessica's favorite color, the deep blue open sky, the freedom and joy that they'd both craved so much their whole lives.
I can't stay here. Not in a prison. Not trapped in like this. Jess wouldn't want that. And besides, I still owe Alden that drink.
Hailey smiled. The guard came back through again a minute later, and Hailey was waiting at the cell bars for him. He raised an eyebrow at the sudden color change, but before he could say a word, Hailey was already talking.
"I need to talk to my lawyer. Jefferson Baux of Hanford and Jenkins. He should still be in town."
"...Yeah, sure," said the guard, a little dazed at her tone. Hailey realized she'd gone full-business, just like her mom. She smiled a little. Her mom was in town, and suddenly Hailey was actually looking forward to seeing her again. The guard hurried back the way came. Hailey gazed up into the sunlight, right as it began to stream in earnest through the window, and basked in the warm glow.
A moment later, the feeling faded. I'm doing it again. That's the old me. I'm not that person anymore. That's the person who got Jessica hurt.
I'll do better, Jess, Hailey promised her, and herself. No more insane heroism. No more recklessness and stupid anger that doesn't do anything for anyone. I'll stay quiet, like Beverly. I'll just… help people. Charity work. Simple things. I'll figure it out.
Like Alden said, it wasn't gone. Hailey still felt real, deep pain within her, and it wasn't going to fade any time soon. She missed Jessica with every fiber of her being, and it hurt. But… she took it in. Hailey accepted it. Made it a part of herself. Made Jess a part of herself, keeping her close. Even if she might be gone forever, Hailey would still hold her inside her heart.
Thank you, Jess. I miss you, I love you, and I'll do better.
For you.
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