"I know them there [Clergy]men say that there ain't no difference 'tween the old'uns and the new gods. They's just a change 'twixt their eternal aspects or what have you. And I say, well, if that there's the case then it don't rightly matter who I'm prayin' to. If'n I'm tryin' to move a cart and strength is what I need, well the new un's will do just fine. I'll be angry either or, and I don't need no olden God o' War making it worse."

--Conversation with a Layman, On the Aspects of the Divines. AC 1321

"WHAT in the nine hells!!!" the blue crab thundered.

I had already frozen in place. I couldn't freeze any more. I slowly retracted my eye stalks, drawing my legs closer together. It was instinct, making the smallest profile I could. A second passed in silence, then a minute. Maybe he's not that angry? My arm still raised, I did a little twitch, a mini wave if you will.

"Put your bloody arm down!"

I lowered it slowly, as Mr. Blue crab reached up to rub his eyes. I heard him mumble under his breath as he lowered himself, opening drawers under the table.

"...mundane corrupted crab breaking my system... ridiculous... can't even talk... where's my [Smite] button?"

[Smite] button? That doesn't sound good. On second thought... *I'd* like a [Smite] button.... no! Focus Crabby! You're in a bad spot here. There's no way out. Go along with the huge grumpy crab and maybe he'll let you go.

Plan finalized, I tried to settle in; my nerves on edge as he found what he was looking for.

"Ah, here it is. Forgot I put it there after the demon insurrection."

He lifted a tiny golden shell from the table drawer, placing it before him. It glowed with a gentle light, filling me with a sense of awe.

"Alright, let's get this over with."

He clears his throat and raises his right claw into the sky.

"I, [Aethir], in my aspect of [Intelligence] and [System Architect], call upon [Lira] and [Toriana] in their aspects of [Wisdom] and [Charisma]. Come forth so that the mortal may be judged."

Another blinding flash occurs. These guys really need to tone it down with the lights and the glare. Anyway, where before it was just the big guy and I, now two more crabs have joined the fray. The one on the right possesses stark angles, sharp silver carapace splitting the air. Her eyes seem to pierce through my shell, cool disregard freezing my ichor. The presence she exudes is heavy, commensurate in size and stature to Aethir.

The one on the left is... well, she's the prettiest crab I've ever seen. Now, mind you, I haven't seen many crabs... but she's my size, all pink and smooth curves. Delicate pincers seem to move in a gentle breeze, starlight glimmering within her jeweled shell. I struggle to gain a semblance of calm as she quickly [Scuttle]'s over to me.

"Oh! He's so cute! Look at him! Just a baby!"

She lunges forward and grabs my claws and then I'm swinging around as she spins me and rattles on.

"Look at his 'lil claws! Is he blushing? No? It's [Natural Camouflage] to match me? Ah! We're matching! So exciting!"

We're still spinning and I'm starting to get dizzy as she prattles. I don't care though, enraptured by her arthropodic perfection. We swing to a stop as the other newcomer intones,

"Toriana, if you would please put the [Defendant] down? I have matters to attend to."

Toriana sniffles, obviously miffed by the cold voice of her co-worker. My eyes never leave her as she rejoins the other two, her dainty legs swaying as she [Scuttles].

Aethir waves a claw, and a stack of paper materializes. Another wave, and duplicates appear before the other Gods.

"Please review the logs, so that we may all get back to more important matters."

A few minutes pass, the silence only broken by the sound of turning pages. I wait patiently, hoping for the best. Lira speaks up first.

"This... this is ridiculous."

"Hilarious you mean!" Toriana replies.

"No, not hilarious. This crab has to be the..." her mouth twists in disdain, "luckiest... crab in the history of existence."

"I told you we should have made Luck a stat!" says Toriana.

"NO LUCK!" the other Gods roar.

Toriana slouches, obviously disappointed. "You guys never have any fun.." she mumbles.

Aethir awkwardly pats her on her back. "Sorry Tori... [Fate] and [Future-Sight] is hard enough as it is without luck getting in the way."

"I know, I know..." Toriana sadly replies. She eventually straightens up, turning to the other two.

"I just want to make sure I got all this right. Sir Crabby here was accidently bootstrapped into [Sapience] despite not having enough levels, charisma, wisdom or intelligence?"

"Yes," said Aethir.

"Basically, [Wisdom's Prudence] and [Erica's Friend] were temporary buffs, which let him exceed the threshold. The [System] shouldn't have initiated, recognizing that a mundane creature doesn't have the knowledge or memories to support cognizant thought.

However, THEN he was appointed as [Lord of the Coast], which as a class, includes the skill [Knowledge: Noble]. This class shouldn't have been applied, the [System] recognizing that a conferred class can't be given to a creature without the [Sapience] needed to acknowledge it.

THEN of course a [CORRUPTED] monster appeared, it's aura infecting the crab, and delaying the error correction. The buffs duration changed to infinite, which is both impossible and a drain on the [System] to support. This should have all been a moot point, [Error Escalation] compensating for the problem.

But THEN, he was sucked into the wake of a teleport displacement. He was protected from spatial shearing by the mana coursing through his form, and he was deposited in the planetary quadrant closest to the anomaly. As you know, that quadrant is separated from the larger [System]. Without the error logs, the isolated [System] tried to initialize with invalid and null values; triggering colossal cascading failures."

Every time Aethir said, "THEN" his voice grew louder and more strained. By the end of his rambling, spittle flew with every word and he was out of breath, having yelled for a good minute or two. I didn't really understand what he was talking about, but... it doesn't seem like it's my fault right? The pretty lady, Toriana, said I was lucky.

So that seems good!