“Ugh. What’s the meatiest, most unhealthy comfort food you guys can think of?” I moaned as I fell into a chair at the table.

“That bad, huh?” Phoebe chuckled. “What’s got you in such a mood.”

“Drow and their infernal politics.”

“Drow? I think we need the big guns here. Gimme a second.” Derrick muttered. “Jon, I’ll need your input.” I heard them whispering back and forth, but didn’t bother looking up. The table was comfortable.

“So how did you get in the middle of drow politics and what are they trying to do?”

“Oh you know, unlocked a new mode for the dungeon under their control and gained the ability to set the difficulty and rewards levels. The usual.”

“DONE!” Derrick cried, and I picked my head up to smell something absolutely divine. “Behold! The carne asada nacho del mar spectacular! Juicy carne asada and succulent shrimp cover crunchy nacho chips. Smothered in a white cheese sauce, we topped this surf and turf decadence with jalapeno rings, green onion slivers, refried beans, petite diced tomatoes, and shredded hearts of romaine! Guaranteed to cure whatever ails you and revitalize your will to live!” The platter of nachos was as wide as a laptop, and piled at least 8 inches high. They even did layers, so that everything was mixed properly and you didn’t have half of the nachos missing cheese and toppings.

“Dear god.” I said, wiping away a fake tear. “It’s. It’s culinary perfection. Please, everyone dig in.”

“Hah! I knew it would fix whatever was bothering you.” Derrick laughed. “Let’s all take a moment and just enjoy the nachos. No worries about drow, phase crystals, or contracting monsters.”

“Contracting mon-“ I started, only to be interrupted.

“Shshshshhhhh.” Derrick actually put a finger to my lips. “Nachos. Eat, drink and be merry first, all that other stuff can wait.” I nodded, and used a spatula to scoop out a decent serving for myself, waiting for everyone to have their own plate before digging in. The next ten minutes of eating was silent save for the crunching of chips and slurping of soda. There might have been some moans of orgasmic bliss thrown in, but that’s only to be expected.

“Buurrrrrrrp!” Derrick let out a massive belch as he laid back in his chair, groaning in relief. “Oh god, that feels so much better.”

“I would hope so.” I chuckled.

“I give it an 8.5 outta 10.” Jon said with a grin. “You had the volume, but it was lacking crunchiness.”

“Y’all are messed up.” Phoebe said with disgust.

“So Derrick, you were complaining of contracting monsters? What’s that all about?”

“Well, we had this crazy idea for the dungeon. You wouldn’t mind if we had several different areas, and specific monsters contracted to battle within would you?”

“Like a lake of fire filled with lava monsters?”

“That’s something we could add to the list, but similar.” He answered with a nod.

“I’m fine with it, but what brought this on?”

“Difficulty.” Jon said, taking over. “This is supposed to be the epic dungeon, so bad that they had to boost the level cap right? So we are going to give them a little bit of everything. There won’t be a single set of gear that will be perfect for this dungeon, hell if they can make it through using only two or three I’m going to be disappointed.”

“We have a few ideas, and I’ve been visiting trading centers in the various planes trying to set up contracts. Since it is a dungeon, no NPCs are going to die, and they only have the one dive to worry about. There’s a lot of interest, especially to see just what kind of exotics we will be able to bring in.”

“I’m in, what’s your thoughts Phoebe?”

“I’m helping design the floors. My old pack is perfect for simulating a raid party, and a lot of monsters are getting great experience in picking apart team tactics. They take special delight in finding those with robes and cloth armors, since they are the easiest to get a claw through.”

“Wow, you guys are really pulling out all the stops. How’s the enchanting going? That clan helping out like they should?”

“Definitely.” Phoebe said. “They’ve managed enchantments I’ve never heard of, and are working with each of us to make our boss rooms the strongest we can. I even get the light of a full moon in mine.” She grinned at that last comment, obviously happy with whatever boosts it was giving her.

“So the monster recruiting is going very well, and we are already at 75 phase crystals, so that won’t be an issue. So what are the drow trying to do?” Jon asked.

“Protect me.”

“Prot-, they’re drow. Why are they protecting you?” Derrick asked, confused.

“Well, their big unconquered dungeon revealed that it has a divine difficulty with higher rewards. And once you conquer a certain number of floors, you can then control the difficulty. Since I control the difficulty for the first 50 floors now, they want me to increase the difficulty and rewards for whatever house can control, I mean protect, me.”

“Ah, that makes sense.” Phoebe said, nodding her head. “You still in the city?”

“No, luckily the priestess snuck me out and paraded my clone around the city for a few hours, but I’m sure that won’t last long.”

“You got at most a day dude.” Derrick nodded sagely. “I would say that you need to seal yourself and Inkler up in a cave you make, but I’m sure every drow search party will have a geomancer along just in case.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re right.” I agreed.

“How far do you have to go?” Jon asked.

“They say it’s a two-day hike, and I got a few hours into it already. I’m probably going to end up burning a lot of stamina potions and trying to finish it in a day.”

“Not a bad idea.” Phoebe said. “I assume the drow know where you are going?”

“Yeaaaaah.” I said, drawing out the word.

“Figures. You absolutely must make that trip in a day, and hope that they don’t know what escape tunnel you used. In fact, you should probably head back in right after we finish up here. I’m sure the smarter matriarchs are sending several squads your way at their fastest riding speed, hoping to cut you off.”

“Fuck. Damnit, your right. Sorry guys, I gotta –“

“It’s ok.” Jon said with a grin. “Go, and remember. Run Forrest, Run!”

“Hah! Alright, I’m off.”

“Don’t forget! In the zone, the stalkers will be after you! Who will be first? Subzero? Dynamo? Buzz Saw?” Though I didn’t get Derricks crazy reference, I still chuckled as I logged back in to the game.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Hey bud, I know you most likely just got comfy, but we gotta get going.” I spoke to an irritated Inkler. When he didn’t move, I continued, “Unless you want to be a captive for drow experiments for the rest of our lives. Didn’t you notice how the eyes of that nice matriarch kept trying to track you? And her predatory grin when you showed just your head right next to a rival?” That got him to at least let me get up and get things ready. I hurriedly threw everything into my inventory and used stone manipulation to open a door back out of the small hillock we had been hiding in. A quick check revealed nothing in our area, so we headed out at maximum speed while maintaining some semblance of stealth.

We appeared to be in a massive cave, though the floor was littered with hilly areas. The ceiling was high enough that I couldn’t see it, though the occasional massive stone column headed upwards to what I assumed was to provide support. Running to a height of around 50 feet or so was luminescent blue algae. It didn’t provide much light, but it did seem to be abundant enough to provide a basis for an ecosystem. Most of the monsters we encountered were normal variety of bugs, beetles being the most common. Well, normal for a game. They were a minimum of level 40 and came up to my hip. They were oddly docile, and we moved through hordes of them with no difficulty. In order to try and throw off any tracking parties, we would occasionally use them as stepping stones.

There were a few bugs that we were forced to either go around or battle. Scorpions, centipedes, millipedes, and certain types of beetles as well. The aggressive beetles were easy to spot, as they had absolutely massive mandibles that they would use to crush the heads or all the legs on one side of the docile beetles. Spiders were abundant, but would let us pass, probably the only help Lolth would be giving us. After several hours of travel, we came to a stone bridge crossing a river nearly a mile wide.

“Lair of the Magical Leopluridon. To head to Candy Mountain, take the left fork of the bridge. To find the Weeping Graveyard, follow the right fork. Bridge toll is 3 silver, 50 copper per party. Please deposit toll in the bowl below.” I read off a sign crudely carved into rock. They had done it in what I assumed was multiple languages, though I could only recognize what the game called Common. The flowing script was probably elven, while the ones completely composed of straight lines intersecting would be dwarven runes.

“Well bud, let’s pay the tolls so that they can eat their rolls.” I chuckled as I dropped the required amount into the bowl. Inkler looked at me like I was slightly crazy as the coins disappeared in a flash of light. “Of course you don’t get it. Come on, let’s go. I’ll bet the Weeping Graveyard is our destination.”

The bridge was boring. What I thought was the far shore was merely a small island in the middle of the river, and the bridge dropped down onto it. Ten feet or so away were the starts of the other two bridges, and we took the right fork. “Wonder what happens if you finally make it to Candy Mountain? Eh, nothing good I’m sure. There’s probably a miniboss with a white panel van.” I looked to see Inkler still staring at me. “What? It’s funny, if you get the reference. Oh stop judging, I’m just as exhausted as you bud. Tell me your mind doesn’t wander when you are sleep deprived.” I grumped at him, turning back and heading down the ungodly boring bridge. Every three feet was a spoke for the railing, set at right angles. There was no decoration, no flair, nothing to break the monotony. The waters below sped by without a care, and nothing bothered breaking the surface.

At the other side of the bridge, I was hurting. We had been traveling for nearly eight hours, on top of the time spent in the dungeon. I even noticed that Inkler was starting to limp along, favoring one of his paws. “Let’s start searching for some place to rest for a few hours. There has to be a spot nearby.” Looking around, there wasn’t much. The land had flattened out, so there were no hills to burrow into. A good distance away was a faint blue glow, probably another of the stone columns. We could head there, but who knows just how far away it was? Instead I turned around, looking back towards the river.

“I got an idea bud, just stay there. Following the river upstream for a bit, I saw what I had been hoping for. There was a slight bulge in the bank, just high enough that I could burrow down inside and not worry about getting wet. I went around to the far side, and cut a sloped ramp down into the small hill. Inside I made an area just big enough for Inkler and me to stretch out, and went back to get him. “I got us a place to stay bud, come on. We’ll take a long nap, and get going again when we are recovered.” Following me back to the hideout, I could tell Inkler wasn’t impressed at all but he was willing to tolerate anything for a good rest. Sealing ourselves inside, but remembering to leave several air holes, we both collapsed in exhaustion. Hopefully a set of rations in the morning would be enough to get us to the Weeping Graveyard.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I woke up to a weight on my chest. Sometime in the night Inkler had twisted himself around, and was now laying on his back. His legs were splayed and resting on the walls of our shelter, and his tail was twitching around. His front paws were hanging in the air, occasionally flipping forward as if he were batting something in his sleep. I was just about to wake him up when I heard something.

“I’m telling you, there’s no way he made it this far, especially after a dungeon dive!”

“The tracks –“

“Damn the tracks, they have to be a fake. Just like the fake they had wandering the city. My decision is final, we turn back.”

It sounded like the female in charge of whatever group nearly caught up with us had underestimated our abilities. I wasn’t going to move, let alone complain. Let her take whatever group she had back. I used my interface to set a half hour alarm, after which Inkler and I would resume our journey. Besides, from this angle I could see the pads of one of his paws, and the right front paw pads were entirely pink. How could a ferocious cat have pink paws? I relaxed with a smile on my face, hand idly stroking the side of Inkler’s neck.