Okay. Before we get started, there’re a few things to point out.

This is the first of a three-part tale. It’s mostly told in order. At times, I’ll step out and tell you about other parts of my life, but they’ll be brief, I swear. For example, I might reference something like the time I was possessed by two demons. Eventually four battle nuns—which is not at all as hot as it sounds—strung me up and exorcised the demons. That is not innuendo. It was disgusting.

It’s worth noting that I curse in thought and deed. Other people do it too. This is an adult world, and my life is kind of fucked up. Cussing, such as the word “fuck,” gives me a proper outlet that the word “fudge” simply doesn’t measure up to.

It’s also worth noting that I notice how ladies are endowed. I’m twenty-one, and at the start of these events, I still hadn’t had a girlfriend. Plus, noticing ladies wearing spandex is extremely difficult to avoid. If you don’t believe me, you’re lying or dead inside.

It’s also worth noting that some events happened to me that don’t directly relate to the others. We’ll wander a bit because my life doesn’t follow a sane timeline. My life is a constant crash from one crazy event into the next. It’s my curse, you see—I attract all sorts of “power-fueled events.”

Some events involve imaginary creatures created by the human subconscious, which can be twisted. Some events involve people trying to handle curses like mine, which is also messed up.

In fancy terms, this is a journey of self-discovery, being chased by a woman, and deluded hope.

But we’ll start with Ted. Everything that happened occurred because of him and his offer.

And we’ll end with Alice. Everything ended because of Alice.

I’m fairly sure I’ve gone barking mad. So, viewer beware: you’ll have to be kind of crazy to keep up.