Fortunately for me, fear was the required emotion to cast Feather Fall, and I was currently drowning in the stuff.

“Molliter!” I exclaimed into the darkness of the pit.

The word charged the fear, driving it to… my left hip? Ah, where I kept my component pouch. Having a feather on hand—

In the next split second, I learned something. Feather Fall doesn’t affect the whole body instantaneously - the effect spreads from wherever the feather is on the caster’s person, albeit very quickly. As the spell expanded, my hip began falling more slowly than the rest of me. It was only for a fraction of a second, but it was enough to register as a change in equilibrium, which caused me to reflexively wrench my body in an attempt to straighten. Regretfully, I overcompensated, and my head smacked into something hard. I descended in a daze.

Over the next few seconds, I learned something else. Two things, actually. First, the constant speed Feather Fall slows you down to is somewhere between a fast jog and a slow run. Second, I learned it’s important to keep your feet directly under you while falling as such, because landing on your knees into a pile of splintered wood at that speed hurts a lot.

The joy of learning was bringing tears to my eyes.

I rolled onto my back. If this was a trap, I doubted the makers went to the trouble of digging a sixty foot pit to only have splinters at the bottom. Actually, the splinters were probably all that was left of whatever was covering the opening. If this wasn’t a trap, having me fall down a hole just meant the DM has a sick sense of humor.

It was dark. I reached into my pouch and grabbed a vial. My magic limb did its thing and… nothing. Wrong vial. I swapped it for another, said “Among the light of fey,” and in a few seconds the phosphorous inside started glowing. I made a cross in the air with it, each of the four points leaving a fist-sized ball of light.

The magic settled a little ways below my naval, and I discovered I could keep it there with little effort. The hole had deposited me along the side of a cavern. I stood, and found I could concentrate to control the lights. I sent them out.

I found the goblins’ camp. A number of bedrolls - twelve, I counted - were placed about the area, a fire pit in the center. So the hole was both for entry and exit as well as for smoke ventilation (probably not at the same time). I walked around. Various weapons were strewn about, though they seemed to each be associated with a bedroll - divvied up spoils from those adventurers, no doubt. I started back to the hole to call my friends—

Wait.

I could hear muttering.

My sword was in my hand instantly. I darted the lights around, eyes following for anything I might’ve missed. No one else was in the area, but there were two exits I could see - one was a tunnel that led into darkness, the other rounded a corner. I stilled my breath to hear better. It wasn’t muttering, it was a conversation. It wasn’t in Common. It came from the tunnel.

I caught my hand twitching in worry. I didn’t want to start climbing out, lest my ass become a pincushion for arrows. Was it wise to get rid of the lights? Anything could see them in the darkness. Goblins had darkvision anyway, didn’t they? I’d be blind in the dark, but they’d be fine. Was it best to hide and take a chance they didn’t find me? Probably not. If I yelled for the others, it’d tip off that I was here, and my friends might not even hear me. The voices were getting closer - I was pretty sure they were goblins, now. Two of them.

I'd spent all my spells for the day, so I was left with only cantrips. I threw together a plan and quickly soft-stepped my way to the exit that rounded a corner. I brought the lights with me and saw it led to a bedroom of some sort - the head of the ambush party’s, I'd guess. I peered out from the corner and sent my lights to converge in the far end of the room.

Dancing Lights, the cantrip I was employing, is quite useful. Not only can it (dimly) illuminate a room, the lights can be manipulated in just about any fashion - up and down, vibrating, soft strobing, swirling, spinning - lots of options. Coupled with the fact that they can be made to look like torches, lanterns, or simply balls of light makes the spell a wonderful diversion.

But that’s not the half of it. By converging the lights into one, the caster can make a glowing, vaguely humanoid figure out of them. I recast it and did so, then gently set my longsword up against the wall, drew my dagger, replaced the phosphorous for a bit of fleece, and waited.

The voices were closer now. My magic pulsed quietly in my stomach, in time with the flickering of the luminescent figure I’d set in the far corner. Stay calm. You’re second level - they’re just a couple goblins.

I didn’t speak the language, so this is roughly how I heard and imagined what followed:

“Blah da blar yark… blarg?” (Something something… huh?)

“Blag fer blek…?” (What the Hell…?)

“Blah-yarg? Blah der glak feg? Grog blah… feg?” (Hello? Anyone there? What’s this… thing?)

Then there was a bit of silence.

“…Blah de blah yarg blah.” (…Go check it out.)

“Blarg frek.” (You go.)

This led to a few seconds of heated back-and-forth, which I imagine had something to do with how each said it was the other’s turn to investigate something. They seemed fairly freaked out by it - I thought about sending the figure towards them in hopes it would scare them off. No guarantee it would work, though, or that they wouldn’t just come back. I held my breath and kept steady - hopefully the spell wouldn’t elapse before they got within striking range. I could feel the pulsing get a little less emphatic each time.

“Blah-blarg, yarg. Yek blarg blah?” (Alright, fine. So now what?)

“Blar/blah/karn?” (Rock/paper/scissors?)

“Narn, blah blah blarg frek.” (No, let’s both just go.)

The last line was said with finality, and then there was silence. I tensed. A few seconds went by and I saw two figures, stepping with more care than a bomb squad, approach the figure. The light was soft, but I could make out their small, almost emaciated forms - definitely goblins. They were engrossed by the light, moving toward it like… well, like moths to the flame. I suppressed a snicker and readied my dagger.

That’s right - I was going to be the bad-ass that kills stuff by throwing a knife at it.

“Hey, Jack!” Kevin’s voice echoed throughout the cave. “Did you fall down there?”

The voice was Kevin’s, and it was loud enough to give the goblins and me one heckuva fright. I froze, but they looked around frantically… and saw me. With a curse, I let the dagger fly, but it was easily sidestepped. It clattered around the figure of light. “I’m here!” I screamed, grabbing my sword. “Get down here! I’ve got company!” I was getting curses spewed at me in Goblin. They started towards me with weapons raised, so I defensively kept my sword between us. Then I put the fleece to my ear while my magic limb extracted a color and hurled it behind them.

“Muahahahaha!”

The sound of deliberately maniacal, bellowing laughter echoed from around the luminescent figure. The goblins, reflexes sharp, immediately jolted around to assess. I took the opportunity.

My blade sunk deep into one of them, blood pouring out from it and shining in the light. I kicked it off and started a swing at the other one, but it had gotten its bearings. It ducked under. With an oath, it sprang towards me.

“Muahahahaha!” continued the laughter, filling the cave.

My leg erupted in pain as its sword pierced through the leather, the shock nearly making me lose hold of the magic keeping the Dancing Lights spell going. I double-handed my longsword and—

Barely audible over the laughing was the sound of air being compressed and split. I recognized it as an arrow in flight, though not in time to notice it was on a collision course with my back. The realization that there was at least one more goblin hanging around hit me at the same time the pain did. This time I was left in darkness as the magic evaporated without my constant attention.

“Muahahahaha!”

At least the Minor Illusion spell was still going, though I couldn’t help but feel it was laughing at me, now. Or I would have felt that if I could’ve felt anything other than blinding pain (not that the blinding part mattered much in the dark). Two against one and I had no visibility - time to change tactics.

I dropped my sword and fell onto the goblin, tackling it to the stone floor. The wretched thing squirmed under my mass, but I managed to grab ahold of the wrist that held its short sword and keep it at bay. Once my other hand got past its gnashing jaw and was secured to its throat, I rolled out of the way of what I was certain would be another arrow. The sound of metal hitting stone close to home told me I was right. I was worried the last one might join the melee, but then I remembered that goblins are cowards. I didn’t have time for a sigh of relief, though.

“Muahahahaha!”

I used the momentum of the roll to stand up, goblin still in tow. I held it out at arm’s length. It kept attempting to wrench itself free, but I had an adrenaline-fueled, murder-rage grip on its neck and sword-arm. I swung it to where I hoped the arrows were coming from. Judging by the timing of the other ones, I must’ve been right - I didn’t get an arrow this—

A hit of fresh pain burst into my arm. I could tell it was an arrow, but there wasn’t the sound of it in flight beforehand. The little bastard must have picked it up while we were on the ground. My grasp of the goblin’s neck weakened, letting it break free from that hold. It stutteringly inhaled once out - I’d probably have crushed its windpipe in a few more seconds. I could feel it desperately scrambling to get free of my other hand, or maybe try to get the sword transferred to its other. Didn’t want to be a living shield, huh? So be it.

“Muahahahaha!”

My free hand found its way to the goblin’s head, and I brought the full weight of my fury down with it and sent it straight into the stone floor. It made horrifying Crack! sound with sickeningly squishy undertones. Then I raised its head and smacked it down again, just to be sure. My hand was suddenly covered with warm stickiness.

An arrow whizzed past my ear. I darted up and found the wall with my hands, stumbling frantically along it to get around the corner, out of line of sight from the tunnel. My head was feeling pretty woozy. That was probably a bad sign. After a few seconds, my hand found the other wall that was the entryway into the head goblin’s quarters. I took a moment to breathe.

“Muahahahaha!”

With a bit of focused thought, I dispelled the Minor Illusion. The cave went silent.

“Guys? What the Hell’s taking so long?” I yelled. Hopefully the threat of reinforcements would send the last goblin running.

“Give me a minute,” came Kevin’s voice. “Climbing this thing is trickier than it looks.”

I tried to get my breathing steady, but found the calmer I got the more the pain took hold. I settled for alert tension and fumbled for the phosphorus.

Then I heard it - a soft scrape of metal on stone.

In an instant, I knew what it was - the goblin. The same instant, I knew where it was - ten feet down the wall from me. The same instant, I knew why - it wasn’t leaving until I was down. The same instant, we were both aware that the other was aware. The same instant, we knew it’d be one or the other. The same instant, we broke into action.

I charged. Full height, full breadth, full voice - it might’ve made me a bigger target, but damn it if I wasn’t going to put the fear of God into the bastard. I heard the twang of a bowstring, but decided my last act would be to push through any pain and at least crush the goblin with my falling, lifeless corpse.

The pain never came. I heard the arrow hit the ceiling, followed by a whimper from the little shit. And like that, I knew I’d won.

My arms outstretched, I found the goblin by sound and touch. In less than a second, it was on the ground, my weight crushing down on it. My fingers clawed their way to its neck. I throttled it - repeatedly - into the floor. Thud after thud turned into crack after crack which turned into squish after squish. And I kept going.

“Jack? Jack.” There was a gentle tap on my shoulder. “I think he’s dead.”

I stopped. Still in the dark, I removed my hands from its neck, though it felt like some… stuff might’ve stuck on. I fell backwards off the goblin, breathing heavily on the ground.

“Holy shit, dude,” said Kevin. I could hear him turning around to get a look at the room, the darkness little nuisance for his elven darkvision. “Did you take a level of barbarian when I wasn’t looking?”

I forced a smile. “All right,” I breathed. “I just killed three goblins - two with my bare hands. Can I talk all gruff and badassfully like Batman now?”

“Modern Batman is nonlethal. After all that laughter, I’d have thought you’d prefer the Joker.”

“Tell you what,” I said. “Once I get Vicious Mockery, I’ll do that. What took you so long?”

“Hey, you just sort of disappeared on us without a word. When we noticed you were missing, we started searching, but…”

“…But?”

He kept his pause for a few seconds. “But we only found you after being… well, flagged down by a squirrel. It led us right to the hole, then took off.” I could tell he was shaking his head. “Damnedest thing.”