What I wouldn’t give for access to the internet.

I realize that the need for adventurers would dwindle in the wake of a massive information network telling where all the cool spots for treasure were and where nasties that needed a thwacking could be found, but damn it if it wouldn’t make the current task easier.

It’d be simple. Anonymously post something like, “Hey, goblins at this point - please dispense” on the military’s personal website, and boom - no need to escort this goblin around for peace talks. Of course, the military would just slaughter the goblins and the cycle of fighting would continue, but at least I could move on to bigger and better things. As it stood, it took most of the day to reach the closest ambush point. It might’ve gone more quickly if we could’ve walked on the roads and didn’t have to move through as much cover as possible, but it was agreed that the less people who saw us with Yik, the better.

Then there were the pixies. Again, if there was internet here, I could find their message boards and figure out why the Hell they were following us when their interest in the first place was the baby we saved. At least nothing had come of Kevin’s brief run-in with one, which was both a blessing and a curse - blessing that they’d left us alone until this point, curse that we still found ourselves worrying about it. The thought went around that Kevin’s collision might’ve been imagined, but he insisted he hit something invisible. We agonized over all the facts we knew about them, and decided that, if they were following us, it likely had something to do with the baby. Beyond that, we had no idea. Maybe if we had the internet we could research something, or so I sullenly thought to myself as we traveled. I was in a bad mood, having been told the moment I woke up that I’d been outvoted three to one. Nothing like having democracy screw you in the morning to get you in the mood for peace talks, that’s for sure.

“All right,” I said, consulting the map again for extra certainty. “The road follows along the other side of these trees, and the ambush is set just west of the southernmost curve.” I looked at everyone. “Ready?”

Topher gave a thumbs up. Kevin shrugged and said “What the hell.” Jenn just nodded. Yik, who had been traveling with us unbound but with careful supervision, was muttering some sort of prayer.

“Actually, one second,” said Kevin, who then took me over to the side. “Did you want me to keep Yik distracted while you cast your spell as a ritual?” he asked quietly. “Might be good to have all your spell slots available.”

I glanced over to the goblin, who was silently putting up with having his head tousled by Topher. None of us knew Goblin, and we explained that to Yik. The hope was to cast Comprehend Languages so I could tell what they’d be saying without Yik or the others knowing I was able to. I was going to cast it while hidden just before they ran into each other, but casting it as a ritual now would save that on-the-fly spell for later. I took the idea into consideration, but said, “No - it’s almost sunset already, and a ritual would take ten minutes. We should try to do this with as much light as possible. If this turns into a fight, I don’t want to be the only one who can’t see.”

Kevin nodded. “Fair enough.”

We proceeded into the woods. Yik was in front, with Kevin and me following sneakily a ways behind. Jenn and Topher, being in heavy armor, were another forty feet back, though also trying to follow sneakily.

I watched as Yik led. He moved cautiously, yet with steadfast determination. I tensed my magic. There was a good chance he’d bolt once he knew he had friends to hide behind, so I was prepped and ready to cast Sleep, just in case - Kevin lifted some rose petals from a lovely home’s garden on our way into Colme the other day, so I could cast it without using my lute. They were ready in my right hand while a small vial of soot and salt waited in the other. I was ready.

More than that, I was… eager, actually. It seemed I was hoping Yik would betray us. Not because I was bitter about being outvoted on the subject of whether we could trust him - I’m not that petty. More so it was because it would be nicer to just pass this whole mess off to the military. Or at least sneak up on the goblins and simply attack without having to let Yik try talking first. Actually, forget doing this ourselves - we’d have to go through the process with two other groups to finish this, discussion or otherwise. So I wanted Yik to betray us, though not out of pettiness, but laziness. I wondered if that was worse.

I stopped my line of thought in favor of thinking in tree by tree increments as I sneaked through the forest. It was therapeutic, in a way. My mind went into a state of restful automation. I almost instinctually analyzed which tree to softly dash to next, what things to avoid stepping on, and general cover, all while keeping Yik in sight as much as possible.

I almost didn’t realize that he’d stopped. I jerked my body back behind a tree, snapping my mind out of the trance. He called out in goblin, so I cast Comprehend Languages.

“—anyone there? I am coming from Miczelberuft.” Neither I nor the spell recognized the last word, so I assumed it was the name of their city.

Another voice came. “You are not belonging of this outing. Claim your reason of presence.” I furled my brow. What did he mean by ‘outing’? Did he mean Yik wasn’t part of these attacks, or that he wasn’t a part of this particular group of attackers? Listening to the literal word-by-word meaning of other languages was annoying, to say the least.

“I am sent for investigating disappearances, here by the following of your trail.” I peeked out from the tree to see Yik talking to another goblin, though they stood a defensible distance apart.

The other goblin didn’t seem pleased. “Such you search to parade us back, in truth?”

“Yes,” said Yik.

“And who wears the shadows behind you?” Uh-oh. Did that mean he’d seen us, or was it a general term for whoever sends others to do their bidding - a “who is your puppet master” kind of deal? I looked back to see if Jenn or Topher were in view. They weren’t.

Yik took a second before answering. “No one who wishes harm. Stay your arrows?” Crap, so they did see us. I tried desperately to meld into my tree, but the wood was being very unhelpful. “You can come out - they know you’re here,” Yik called back in Common.

“We been betrayed?” asked Kevin over Message.

“No. Stay hidden with others,” I replied, stashing the vial but keeping the rose petals out. Yik hadn’t used any pronouns that showed there were more than one of us hiding. If we were lucky, it was only me they’d spotted. I’d have to bluff my way into convincing them it was just me. I balled up my fear and shoved it down, letting my face soften into the amused disappointment of someone who’s been caught pranking.

“I said you can come out,” called Yik again, though I noted a bit of nervous strain to his voice.

“Sorry, Yik; I’m coming out.” I hoped emphasizing ‘I’m’ would let the others know to stay put. I took a breath and moved around the tree.

I stopped. There, sitting ten feet away in my path, staring at me with those black, unfeeling eyes, was a squirrel. The ball of fear bubbled up from where I’d stowed it. This squirrel was watching me, without a twitch in form or demeanor, as serious as a rodent can get.

At once it all hit me - those squirrels we’d seen in front of Marisa’s cabin, who followed us up to the edge of some sort of invisible barrier and just stared - those must have been pixies in disguise. Of course they couldn’t approach her house, because of… some reason, just like Jenn theorized. And now, whenever a squirrel was looking oddly at me, it must be one of those pixies disguised as a squirrel, waiting and watching me so they could… could… Hell, I didn’t know, but I was freaked out nonetheless.

As if sensing that the jig was up, the squirrel darted off behind a tree. I kept my eyes where it disappeared for a second, then shakily stepped forward, rattled by the experience. Were there more of them hiding as squirrels? As other animals? How many were watching us? Why would one pick now to stand in my way? Kevin said a squirrel led them to that hole I fell in - were they trying to help us? If so, was that an attempt to help just now? What sick game were they playing? Were they just trying to get into my head? Why be a squirrel when they can just be invisible?

“He’s as quivered as rats on Catch-Club day,” said the other Goblin. The words shook me out of my inquisitive spasm, though I found myself stopping about fifteen feet behind Yik as opposed to beside him to show solidarity. Thirteen more goblins were visible now, over half of them with arrows knocked and pointing at me. Just when I thought I couldn’t get more worried. I leaned nonchalantly on a tree, ready to take cover. “Why have you brought him? Shall we kill him?”

Well, here was a moment of truth. “No,” said Yik firmly in Common, “and we do him a disservice by not speaking in a language he understands.”

“You speak his tongue greatly,” said the other in slow, deliberate Goblin. “Your words, like your mouth, are cuddled with his manhood, in truth.” Some of the other goblins chuckled at that.

Yik pressed on. “You have to stop these attacks - Glendalka has made them illegal. You’re putting all of our city at risk.”

“You are one standing with surface scum,” said the other goblin, who I decided to name ‘Asshole’. “You are working with them, you are endangering Miczelberuft!” The archers tensed a bit, but weren’t given the order to fire - Asshole knew he had me dead to rights and could deal with me when he pleased.

“Perhaps,” said Yik. “So let’s both go back and accept punishment. Sound good?”

Asshole sneered and shook his head. “We aren’t hurting Miczelberuft. These attacks are helping all Goblinkind.” I tried not to roll my eyes, as I wasn’t supposed to understand what he was saying. But then he started speaking in Common. “I’ll say this so both of you can understand. Life is easy on the surface. Easy living makes people soft and fat.” He was looking directly at me at that point. “When soft and fat people have a problem, they do as little as possible to fix it. Right now they’re sending their military against us - that’s fine, for we can hide better than they can search. Our attacks will continue - not war, just annoyances. When the military fails to get rid of us, the soft and fat people will become angry - but not with us as much as those that have failed them. They will fear that they might be next in our attacks, and demand an easy solution to their problem. That’s when we offer peace,” he smiled horribly, “…in exchange for surface land of our own.”

I was tempted to taunt Asshole, but decided to defer to Yik, who said, “And why tell him that?”

Asshole laughed. “Because he can’t do anything! Our attacks will continue, the soft and fat will grow fearful, and we’ll have our land.”

“Fanatics. Yuck. Start the attack?” Messaged Kevin.

I rubbed the rose petals together between my fingers for reassurance. “Not yet,” I replied, moving my lips as little as possible. I raised a hand like I had a question. “Let me get this straight,” I said, finally able to talk now that the conversation shifted entirely to Common. “You have, what, fifteen warriors? That’s not nearly enough to affect the change you want.”

The look Asshole gave me was contemptible disgust. “Seal shut its lips, investigator,” he said in Goblin.

“He has a good point,” said Yik. “Even the sixty that left the city aren’t enough to do what you want. Why start now?”

“We’re not singly in this,” said Asshole, still in Goblin. “Other warriors from other cities are doing the same.”

“…How do you know that?” asked Yik, contemplatively. “The next goblin city is hundreds of miles from here. We only communicate for the greatest of needs.”

Asshole grinned. “We were approached,” a glint shone in his eye, “by a goblin who is living on the surface; a corner beyond surfacers’ memory. He’s knowing that we’re the future sighted of Goblinkind. For years, he is traveling to the different cities, gathering those with strength who can realize this dream.”

Interesting. So this goblin already lives on the surface, but doesn’t want to share his land with other goblins? I suppose there could be a space issue. More likely, however, is this supposed goblin idealist didn’t want them to question his motives - make them think he only wants all goblins to have what he has. Either way, it sounded like he just wanted others to do his dirty work.

I could see Yik tense a bit. “Describe this goblin,” he said, slowly.

“What? Why?”

“Because, we… have had reports from the other cities of… a goblin who incites warriors to attack the surface, only to get them killed.” Yik was coming up with this on the spot. Not bad, except for the pauses. “We believe this goblin came to our city. Everyone he sends to the surface dies.”

Asshole didn’t seem to believe it. “Oh, are you talking about him now?” I said. I had everyone’s full attention. “That’s why I’m here - I’m with the AUTC.” Yik’s jaw dropped. “We’ve been getting reports of a man by the name of… Art Vandelay, who uses magic to disguise himself as a goblin and infiltrate goblin cities. Then he convinces the warriors to start making attacks against the surface. Once the people are fearful, he convinces them to hire his mercenary business to escort trade caravans. Eventually the military puts up a bounty for goblin heads, and he takes his mercenaries and kills every last one before moving on to the next goblin city to do the same.”

This was going well - they were eating out of the palm of my hand. “We only recently got wise to this, and when I met Yik here and in the due course we found out we were essentially working both sides of the same case. I agreed that we’d take no action against your city if these attacks stopped and we were given some cooperation to catch this deplorable man.” The words flowed out of my mouth like molten gold. Impressed, Yik gave me a single, slow nod before turning back to the rest. Asshole was glaring at me. I stared back. “So what’s it going to be?”

Asshole was quiet, going over everything he knew about the goblin who sent him here and comparing it with everything I just fabricated. I kept my best poker face up. His head started trembling and I saw the rage boil up from in him as he fell to his knees and started beating the ground with his fists. The other goblins seemed genuinely disturbed, as well. I got ready to jump behind a tree, just in case.

“Nice. I’m silently applauding you.”

Eventually the goblins got it all out of their system. As if an idea just shot into his head, Asshole looked up at Yik. “Are you certain he is not understanding our language?”

Uh-oh. It could be a problem if he decided that it didn’t make sense for an AUTC officer to be investigating goblins and not actually speak Goblin. “Yes,” Yik replied.

Asshole stood up. “Fine. We’ll gather everyone and return.” Success! “But I am not wanting that… surfacer to be living! We cannot be trusting him.” The other goblins started nodding, tensing their grips on their weapons. This was bad. “We will only go if he dies. You agree, in truth?”

My heart stopped beating while I waited for Yik to answer. “I—“

A small streak of red energy came from nowhere, moving faster through the trees than the eye could focus. It detonated.

Fire encompassed my vision, and my ears were scathed by the screams of goblins, cut short. I fell back, almost knocked down by the wall of heat. The flames disappeared as quickly as they came. Fire scarred the trunks of the trees, and several charred stains were all that signified where the goblins had been. If I’d been standing a couple feet closer to Yik, I’d have been incinerated with him.

Several men in uniform leather armor appeared, pointing longbows at me. Then, with a cool and confident gait, Minerva stepped into view. “You are under arrest for sympathizing and conspiring with the Goblin Menace,” she said. The last bit of light from the setting sun gleamed through the trees and flashed off of her eyes as she added, “And for impersonating a member of the AUTC.”