I stare down at the little blackboard in front of me. 'image,' it says. There's something bothering me. I wipe the word away with the side of my hand and go back to idly writing more of the words I learned, over and over, while I think.

After talking with Claire today, I know that I'm looking at these words as groups of letters. Just knowing it hasn't changed anything, I probably just need to keep working on it before I'm comfortable enough with the letters to mush them all together in my mind to make single words. That, I can at least understand. What's bothering me is the number.

Why can't I keep more than four letters in mind at once? I just feel like that's something I should be able to do. I can keep strings of a dozen numbers and complex equations in my head, using them as wholes or breaking them down into digits whenever I need to. Sure, it's hard, but I can do it. Even with my mana, I can manipulate up to thirty individual clumps at once if I really try. I still can't break them down to single motes of mana yet, but I'm totally capable of holding my attention over a large number of individually moving objects.

Why can't I do anything like that for letters? Even when I go through the alphabet, I can only clearly think of the first three letters, then have to consciously switch my attention over to the next three, then the next four after that. Like they come in little clumps, and I can only grasp onto one of them at a time. Is none of my practice holding all sorts of other things in mind helpful with letters for some reason? Why not?

I don't get it. I'm not even sure who I would be able to ask. Maybe Claire could help tomorrow. I can't mention the mana part, but numbers are something I read too. I don't see a reason why there's such a big gap between them. But for now, I just keep writing and writing. Emily is with me tonight, watching closely.

"Hey, Aria," she eventually speaks up.

I'm so used to it at this point, my hand doesn't even stop as I ask, "Yeah?"

"Do you think I should learn to read?"

"Mmm... I don't know." It's hard to answer that one. "What do you want to read?"

"Well... it's not that I have something I want to read... I don't know if I really mentioned this yet, but I might want to be a cook in the future."

"Oh? So that's why you've been cooking lately?" I smile and say, "I'm sure you'll do great, your food is tasty! Even if it is kind of weird." When Emily grimaces, I immediately ramble, "Really really tasty! I liked it a lot!"

"Hehe, thanks Aria." She pats my head a little. "I was wondering if I need to read for that..."

I think for a bit, before answering. "Eryk told me that you need to be able to read and write to interact with the upper classes, so it's probably a good idea."

Emily gives a serious nod. "Do you... think you could teach me?" she asks quietly.

"T-teach?" I squeak. "But I don't know how to read either!"

"What about the parts you have learned?" she asks, looking down at the little blackboard I've been writing on absentmindedly while talking. I think I've written 'bold' almost two dozen times already, so I switch to another word before continuing.

"I... maybe..." I answer slowly. Then I nod. "I'll try." So I think back on how Claire taught me, just a few days ago, and begin teaching her the first few letters of the alphabet. I carefully have her hold the chalk the exact same way Claire has me hold it in class. Her hands are bigger than mine, so she doesn't have any trouble getting her fingers around it.

I don't have nearly as much time as Claire does in class and I don't really know what I'm doing, so I only teach her the first three letters for now. It will take a while to get through the whole alphabet, but if we work on this a little every day, it should be possible... as long as I'm actually able to teach her. It seems to be working for now at least, after practicing for a while, she can more or less scratch out the first three letters. Once she can do that, she passes back my chalk so I can keep up my own practice, and says she's heading up to bed.

Emily gives me a quick hug. "Don't stay up too late, alright?"

"Sure." I nod and she heads out. I grab the blackboard and chalk again. I can't even really see what I'm writing anymore it's so dark, I'm just going through the motions with muscle memory.

More words scrape onto the board as my mind wanders aimlessly. Going and going until it finally lands on one particular thought. What Claire taught me about today at the end of our lesson. How everything is made up of smaller parts. She had me apply that to writing, but what else works like that?

Mana is the first thing that comes to mind since I'm always working with it and thinking about it. I already know that the mana inside me is made of a lot of individual pieces, and I've at least guessed so far that each single mote of mana is made up of parts of each element. I haven't had a chance to put more thought into that lately, so I consider it for a few moments. I grab a piece and pull it all apart. I'm a lot better than I was when I tried to get a single mote before, but after just a few ticks working at it, I feel like I've reached the limit of what I can do now, without really pushing myself. And I already know how that ended up, with me basically dead to the world for quite some time after.

I leave it for now, I'll give it another try later.

My thoughts wander a bit longer, the light of the moons through the windows slowly slanting bit by bit as they move through the sky overhead. I know I should go to bed, it's pretty late. But... I don't know. It feels like there's something... something rolling around in the back of my mind that I'm forgetting. I just can't seem to catch onto whatever the thought is.

On a whim, I channel my mark. Reena comes forward.

'It's late,' her first thought comes. I should go to bed. I'm young and I need my sleep.

She thinks so too, huh?

Reena must sense the odd feeling I'm giving off, because she stops and questions me. 'Is there a problem?' her feelings ask.

"I... don't know..." I mumble to myself aloud. "I don't know what it is, it just feels... weird, somehow..." It's not something I can put into words, this strange feeling the just won't leave me. Maybe if I keep learning new words, I'll discover the one that's supposed to describe this vague feeling that has somehow settled over me. Not particularly good or bad. Just sort of odd and distracting, like even when I want to do something, it's hard to go and do it, to really put my effort into it. Not quite laziness or listlessness, but something similar, that leaves me with a disconcerting amount of... not caring.

Reena mentions that there's a word for the 'not caring' bit, but obviously can't say what it is through feelings alone, I'll have to learn that word on my own. As for the unfamiliar feeling, her best advice is to try relaxing, get some sleep, and refocus on my goals tomorrow.

"Thanks," I mutter gratefully. I let the mark fade away, then look up at the ceiling. A few ticks pass without me managing to work up the drive to go to bed. It leaves nothing in the silence of the night, except the soft scratching of my chalk on the blackboard, completely without conscious thought at this point.

I should follow her advice. But the same feeling she advised me on just seems to draw away any will to get up and do anything about it. I close my eyes and clear my mind. At least like this, my muddled thoughts fall away until it's just me, all alone in the cool night air. I sit, quiet, peaceful.

There's nothing to do.

Nothing to be.

Just me.

.

.

.

.

.

I open my eyes again. The feeling is gone. I release a long, slow breath, and stand up. I'm kind of tired, but I have no idea what time it is. How long was I like that? It's still dark at least, so I carry my stuff upstairs and lie down with Emily.

The next thing I know, Myra nudges me, letting me know that first bell is coming. Uhh, did I even fall asleep? I'm not sure. I don't really feel like I did. Well, maybe I'm just a bit less tired, but I don't get the impression that I slept very long at all. Did I accidentally wind up meditating all night? Did I forget to keep time while meditating?

Since I have no idea how to answer any of my questions, I just get up. I'm still somewhat tired, but it's nowhere near as bad as I would expect from staying up normally all night. All I can do is shrug it off. I wake Emily gently, and we go through our morning, drawing some water so we can bathe ourselves again, since we're supposed to wash every other day or so.

Then we sit on my bed and she does my hair, twisting and wrapping and tying as always. I really need to remember to look at it one of these days...

We get our stuff and head downstairs. While we sit, I yawn a little. "Did you get enough sleep, Aria?" Emily asks worriedly.

"Honestly, I have no idea," I admit. "I accidentally ended up meditating for... I don't know how long, and then when I got in bed, Myra woke me up before I even knew whether I had fallen asleep or not. Last night was really weird."

Emily just looks worried by the recount. She rubs my head a little, but can't find anything to say. I'm just surprised I'm not more tired. I draw a little bit of fire mana just in case, but besides that, I think I feel fine.

Despite how weird it was last night, I end up meditating again with Emily, just sitting for a little while. It's... definitely easier now. I must have spent so long like this last night, it's really easy to practically turn my mind off and just let myself exist. Still, this isn't exactly what I meant to be practicing when I came up with this, so I don't let my thoughts completely fall away, I turn my attention to my mana this time. I let it be for a while, just keeping a feel of it.

A stray thought intrudes. I remember my thoughts on how much mana I could control at once. Then I reach out. I touch my mana, and it is all one. I let it come apart in my grasp, no longer one, but many, many pieces of a larger whole. At first, I start to take some of that mana and control it, but that's not right. It digs into and disrupts my concentration. I can't just grab the mana consciously. I have to direct all parts without thinking. It should work, I've done it before. In fact, that was how I did it originally, before I gained more awareness of my mana.

I let my mind close around all of it, letting it be for some time before willing it to organize. Some shuffles, shifts around and rearranges. This isn't what I wanted. I try again, pushing my will onto the mana within me, telling it to act on its own, even without my direct control. But it's more of the same. Some movement, without any drive. It reminds me of that feeling I had last night, oddly annoying in hindsight. I keep going, willing my mana repeatedly to get the mass to follow. Whether I make any progress or not is unclear, but I keep trying anyway.

I don't know if I'm doing things right. No clear method, no one to teach me. Reena said it's important that I learn things for myself, that I direct the growth of my own abilities. For now at least, that's what I'm doing, even if it isn't getting me anywhere. It just feels...-

There's a knock on the door, the disruption cutting off my mindless, wandering thoughts. We go over and greet John, then Emily sends me off for the day. It's just another morning walk across town, practicing mind-speaking more. More and more attempts, stumbling blindly without knowing where I'm headed. I know Reena said it's important for me to learn on my own, but... I don't know, it's frustrating. I keep trying and trying and nothing is working. I must have tried dozens of different methods of fixing the volume issue, but nothing works. No matter how many ideas I can come up with, it doesn't matter if I can't get the right answer.

What am I missing...?

After arriving at the refinery, I eat quietly. I can feel John and Eryk eyeing me carefully. They can tell I'm not in a good mood. They don't say much. I'm trying not to mope or anything, but I just feel kind of down since I'm just missing... something...

Claire arrives, and I'm really glad to put those thoughts behind me for now. Just listening, and learning. Getting real guidance. This is something I can do. Once we move into the back room, Claire speaks up.

"Alright, it's time for your test. I would like you to go to the blackboard and write the letters, plus all of the vocabulary words we've learned that you can remember." She puts a chair in front of the blackboard so I can reach, and I take the chalk confidently. I know them, I can remember all of the words we've learned and all of the letters. Whether it's thanks to the water mana or my long, long nights of practice, this is something I can do right now.

I did spend all last night writing while I meditated...

Climbing up to stand on the chair, I grip the chalk just like she showed me. It feels... kind of awkward. I glance down to realize I've practiced with it so much, there isn't all that much of it left. I have to adjust my grip a little, then I begin to write. I reach up and write the whole first half of the alphabet, then begin to write the words I've learned.

But, I only make it through a few when Claire stops me.

"Aria..." she suddenly calls my name in a scolding tone. I glance back at the last word I wrote, did I do it wrong? It reads 'bold.' I got all the letters right, the only problem is my handwriting...

I turn back nervously. "Aria," she says again. "I told you to practice." She frowns at me, and I shrink back under her disapproving gaze.

"I did practice," I say quietly. "I practiced a lot..."

"Then why isn't your handwriting getting any better?"

"I don't know..." I sit down on the edge of the chair, clutching the worn down piece of chalk between my hands. "I feel like it looks better whenever I'm practicing, but it just won't get any better in class..." I hold up the piece of chalk for her to see, hardly a fraction of its original size. "I really have been practicing a lot..." Claire eyes the chalk, then me.

She moves to sit in another chair and stares at me. Her gaze is strangely not that harsh. More like... expectant. She expects better of me. I... really thought I could do this. At least this one, single thing. Why isn't it working? Why can't I learn this? Is there something else wrong with me?

"How do you practice at home?" Claire asks, cutting through my dark thoughts.

"I sit in the dining room and write all of the words and letters that we've learned, over and over again until I can do all of it without even thinking. I... I feel like I can picture the words in my head perfectly..." I close my eyes and trace out the letters in the air in front of me. I've drilled all of the muscle memory for every single word and letter to the point where I can repeat the motions almost as well as some of the combat techniques they taught us.

"But... when I'm in class, they just... don't come out right..."

There's a long silence. Then, "Aria..." Claire closes her hand on my wrist, still hanging in front of me. I open my eyes to look at her, surprised to find that she looks... almost amused? Even though she also looks annoyed?

"You need to pay more attention to yourself and what you're doing," Claire scolds me, then presses a new piece of chalk into the hand she's holding. "Now, do it again," she commands with a sigh.

Confused, I turn around with the new piece of chalk and obey. I scratch out the letters one after another. This time, they all come out right. Exactly like I pictured them. Exactly like I practiced them. After I make it through the first half of the alphabet, I turn back.

"...How...?" I ask, totally dumbfounded.

Claire puts her head in her hand, exasperated. She flatly states, one word at a time, "Aria. You. Are. Left. Handed."

Left handed? "Umm, what does that mean?" I ask, looking down at my hands.

"It means that you naturally prefer to use your left hand for things. When you weren't in class, carefully making sure to do things exactly as I instructed, you must have naturally been using your left hand instead."

"O-oh?" I blink a few times with no idea how to respond. "I... didn't know you could be better with one hand or the other." They always taught us to do everything with either hand. They never mentioned anything like this! I never paid a single bit of attention to what hand I used because I didn't even know that such a thing existed!

But now that I know, I realize that Claire wanted me to learn with my right hand, not my left. I should have paid more attention to her instructions and followed them more closely at home too...

"I-I'm really sorry for practicing with the wrong hand!" I lower my head and apologize. I wasted days of practice time and got Claire mad at me because I couldn't just follow her instructions. Why am I so stupid?

However, she responds, "No no, it's not like that at all." It's not? "Most people naturally prefer their right hand, so that's how I began teaching you. I wasn't aware that you needed to be instructed differently. The fault lies with me, not you."

I look up a little. "So I... I didn't do it wrong?"

"No, you did perfectly fine," she assures me with a smile and I tear up a little, so glad that I didn't mess up. But then Claire purses her lips with a hint of worry, before she explains. "I should warn you though. There is an issue with using your left hand for things being considered... less than."

"Less than?" I question the strange phrase. Less than what?

"I mean that the majority of right handed people tend to look down on the few who are left handed..." She says it slowly, carefully.

"So, being left handed is bad?" I ask quietly. I should have known...

"No, it certainly is not." Claire denies. Why? If everyone looks down on it... Then, I remember the other night. Kathy scolded me for eating with my left hand because it's rude. How could being left hand not be bad? Claire leans forward to look me in the eye and speaks. "I will not tell you that you must learn with your right hand. Forcing you to do something unnatural for you would likely prove detrimental to your development. Both as a writer, and as a person. Being left handed does not make you less than others in any way."

"B-but if everyone looks down on me for it..." I mumble.

"Then that does not reflect on you, only on them. It means they are close-minded and unable to appreciate you for who you are," she insists pointedly. I look down, taking in her words. I... don't know what to think. Everyone else thinks it's bad, but she's telling me it isn't? That them saying it's bad just means they're bad people? How does that work? How can everyone be wrong?

Claire heaves a long, tired sigh. "Unfortunately, given your position, I should recommend that you spare some of your time to practice with your non-dominant hand." The way she adds extra stress to make it clear that she's fine with me being left-handed makes me smile, just a little.

But she continues, "Since you will inevitably find yourself in the company of those with power over you, it may be... prudent," she pauses slightly on the word I don't know, "to practice enough to get by, should you need to write in front of those who may take issue with your handedness." Then without me even asking, she explains how 'prudent' refers to doing something with the future in mind.

The way she says it... I'm getting the impression that everyone else is going to care and think badly of me. So... why doesn't Claire? "O-ok..." I respond quietly. "I'll keep using my left hand, but I'll make sure to practice with my right hand too."

Despite everything she said about issues with how I develop, I don't see any particular reason why I can't also learn with my right hand. I already did it with all sorts of weapons. I don't know if there's a difference when it comes to writing, but it should be fine, right? But still, why do I have to be left-handed...?

"Good, now that we've settled that, let's get back to your test."

"Ok." I turn around, slightly nervous as I take the chalk intentionally in my left hand, and begin to write.