With the request made, we head out. Since there's nothing else to do, we split up outside the blacksmith and I head home. On the way, I pass a couple people coughing and it reminds me of John this morning. They must work over by the gate. John had the right idea, I hope they get everything fixed soon so things can get back to normal.

I arrive home around the tenth bell since Eryk let me leave early. Hardly anyone else is home, so I just up go to my room. All alone with my thoughts, I want to start thinking about the coming battle. And my complete lack of preparation for it.

But Myra suddenly kicks me and reminds me that there was something else she told me to think about.

"Huh?" I don't remember at all. So she thinks back on the other day, with Emily and Riko. She points out one part in particular, and I remember.

I was considering how to switch us around so that I wouldn't put anyone else in danger with my tests with souls, when I thought... Even just considering it now makes me sick to my stomach, but I make myself think about it anyway.

I thought - just for a moment, about converting my own mana well with Emily's mana. Just considering it made me completely shut down. Even now, I can only remember what happened through Myra. It's like I blocked the memory out of my own head completely.

Didn't I do that before? After I learned about malnutrition, I made myself forget everything about that night. Why? Because it hurt too much to think about? I don't know why those two times are the only ones I forgot about afterward though.

I mean, there are lots of things that hurt to think about, the treatment at the rail unit program, how I felt when I couldn't stay with Marrianne, how Mister Fredricson can be scary and violent and how it reminds me of the rail unit program... There's the-

"You're distracting yourself," Myra prods me.

"What? No I'm not. Those other things were really bad too," I say.

"That's not the point. At least you're willing to think about them," she pushes with a scolding tone.

"But why do I have to think about something bad?" I complain.

"Because you never thought things through, you shut down instead."

"Well it already happened, can't I just move on?"

"Not without thinking it through properly. Beth said you have to talk about things to get past them."

"No she didn't, she just said it can help," I deny.

"Well you still should!"

"Why should I think about something so awful?"

"Exactly! Why is it so awful?" she shoots back. "You had no problem with her soul in Riko for a while, why not you? What's the big deal?"

"That's it? You already know. Why are you even asking?"

"Because you are still trying not to think about it!" Myra thumps her head into a nearby tree in aggravation.

I stop. She's right, isn't she? I've been arguing this entire time, just because I don't want to think think about this one thing.

"That's exactly why you need to," her mental voice softens somewhat. "You're twisting yourself into knots to ignore it. Even you know enough to know that can't be healthy."

"Fine," I answer. Then I gulp, and clear away all the colored mana inside me. I don't want my thoughts or feelings about this skewed in any way. This has to be me, just me and how I truly feel.

I think about it.

Why didn't I want Emily's soul inside my body? Even for a short time? I mean, the easy answer would be losing my body. That would be scary, right? Myra scoffs at the thought, but then turns most of her attention away because she smells something coming.

In the meantime, the others mentally shake their heads at me. Yeah, body-loss doesn't really bother me, I'm kind of used to the idea, living in a dozen bodies already. No, it's different. It isn't about me losing my body.

It's...

I squint a little, gulping down the anxiety that strikes out as soon as I really start to think about it.

What's horrifying is really... having someone else in my body instead. I have to take deep breaths, focusing and keeping calm. I don't want Emily in my body because, well, I'm terrible.

"Nope," Riko speaks up since Myra is busy.

"We've been over this," Maven scolds me. "You aren't that bad."

"Yes, I know," I admit. "I may not be that bad, as a person." But I'm not a person. "Oh, we know what I mean," I complain to myself. "I'm not that bad, but..." Another shaking breath, then I say it.

"But being me is bad."

This body, this life of mine. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Ever.

I wipe uselessly at my tear-streaked face. My breath hitches, suddenly ragged. I have to stop thinking. This feels like drinking poison. It's making me sick.

"Keep going," everyone urges me on.

I grit my teeth and force myself to keep thinking.

I thought about putting Emily into my body. How could I do that?

How could I put Emily in this?

This body?

This rail unit?

It would be like making her me.

Changing her, a human, into a thing.

Like what I did to those hobins, but worse. Not just removing her from existence.

Forcing her to exist in this horrible life of mine. Alive, but living as an object with no purpose but war and death.

And I would be

I curl up, arms wrapped tightly around my stomach while I swallow down the bile in my throat repeatedly, and cry angrily.

No matter what, I can't take the thought of doing that to her.

.

.

.

Eventually, the anger and nausea pass. The tears take a lot longer.

The guilt doesn't go away.

I end up lying down across my bed, staring at the ceiling for a long time. I should be planning, or testing something, meditating, practicing, learning. Doing whatever I can possibly think of to prepare for the coming battle.

But the guilt says I should just go die this time.

I thought I got past this. I thought I learned that dying won't solve anything.

I wouldn't really be dying anyway. I'm just being stupid.

I just want to stop feeling like this.

"Alright," Myra suddenly announces, licking monster blood from her claws, "I'm back, how- shit." As soon as she turns her attention to the conversation we had while she was busy, she curses. "Why are you letting her wallow like this?" She scolds everyone watching, unsure what to say, and mentally caught on something.

Then she pushes me to channel my mark. Reena immediately picks up on how I'm feeling. She reaches into my soul, and the next thing I know, it feels like she's wrapping me in an imaginary hug.

"Shh, it's fine," she speaks into my mind. I close my eyes, mentally sinking into the feeling of her warmth. Even if it isn't actually real, it feels real, and it helps. "What's wrong?" she eventually asks.

So I tell her. How I thought of swapping Emily into my body when I was testing with souls. All the terrible things I thought about that and how guilty it made me.

Going back through all of the thoughts a second time hurts less than before.

Admitting it all to someone else hurts more.

Reena stays silent the entire time, just filling me with a feeling of warmth and acceptance that I don't deserve. Like a mother, listening to my worries and stroking my hair gently. I don't even know what that feels like, but I guess this is it.

Then, as I lie curled up, some part of my mind realizes. From the small nudges of emotion from Reena connecting with how she's making me feel.

Can't she just make me not feel like this?

If she's just making me feel things by pushing my soul one way or the other, all it would take is one thought, and all of these terrible feelings would vanish.

"No." She finally responds. "I won't do that to you."

"Why not?" I demand. "I thought you wanted to help me!"

"I won't subvert your emotions. Not like this."

"But- But you did before!" I say as soon as I connect the dots. "When I called for you that other time!"

"You needed it then. You don't need it now," she says sternly. "You're strong enough to get through this, and I'm still here for you."

"But I don't want to feel like this!" I cry. "If you won't do it, then I should!"

"No."

Reena's presence booms through me, and suddenly I am very, very small. "No matter what, you must never tamper with your own soul. Promise me you will never attempt such a thing."

"But-"

"Promise me, Aria."

I shiver under the full weight of the goddess' will, demanding I obey. But I don't want to.

"Hmph!" I stop channeling my mark, and the connection collapses, her overbearing presence with it.

"Stupid Reena," I complain to the empty room, kicking my feet angrily. With her gone, there are no more feelings like a comforting embrace or motherly love that I don't even know how I understand. She must have put them there, which is weird because she shouldn't understand them either.

I stare off, suddenly empty. What's wrong with just forcing myself not to feel this way? What does Reena know anyway?

This time it's Maven that kicks me in the head. "She's a four thousand year old goddess of knowledge."

"If she says not to tamper with your soul, it's probably a good idea to take her advice," Riko follows up with a silent chuckle that says she thinks I'm being stupid.

"Fine!" I throw my hands up. "Then why not just use earth mana-"

"Oh no you don't!" Myra cuts me off immediately. "That's just as bad and you know it."

"Then how am I supposed to stop feeling terrible?!" I demand.

"The normal way," Avara speaks quietly. "When you get knocked down, you have to pick yourself back up." But... But I don't know how to do that!

"She's right," Myra agrees with a smile that leaves Avara flustered. "Even if you don't know, you just have to figure it out. But first, apologize to Reena," she instructs.

"Mmm," I grumble. I don't want to. I roll onto my side. But I can feel everyone else, silently pushing me to do what I need to do.

I curl up into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest.

Still, I eventually give in, and channel my mark. I can feel Reena, angry and disappointed. I try to keep from pouting, but it isn't working. "I'm sorry," I silently mumble. I know what I did was wrong and I feel awful and this is all just making it worse. I have to fight down the urge to just curl up tighter inside myself, to get the next part out. "I promise I won't tamper with my own soul. I'm sorry."

I feel her rub my head, then pull me into a hug. "I forgive you." Then she sighs. "I'm sorry too, I was too harsh. You see, you've had to grow up very quickly, physically, mentally, emotionally... But you are still just a child. I have to remember that. You feel bad now and you just want it to stop. You haven't had a chance to learn how to cope with feelings like this at all," she goes on, her silent voice shaking. "But I'm with you. I'm here to help you, to teach you. For now, what do you enjoy?"

Uncurl a little. I try to think about it, but everything still just feels like too much. "I don't know..."

"Alright, how about you try... writing for a little bit? Or what about drawing? Do you like drawing?"

"I don't know, I've never done it before..."

"Give it a try," she encourages me. I don't know why this would help, but I follow as she instructs and pull my blackboard from my basket along with my chalk. I stare at it, no idea what to draw. "Anything is fine, just draw whatever. It doesn't even need to be anything," Reena urges me on gently.

I press the chalk to the board, and slowly drag it across to get one big long line.

I don't get it.

But I keep drawing. I just focus on the board, scratching out completely random lines and shapes without any meaning or thought. "Good, that's a good girl," Reena whispers small compliments from time to time as I draw. When the blackboard is too full of random chalk lines, I wipe them away with my sleeve, and keep going.

After a while, my hand slows down, then stops. "Feeling a little more calm now?" Reena whispers.

"I... Yeah. Yeah, I think I do," I respond slowly. I don't know why I feel better.

But Reena explains. "When you're feeling overwhelmed like that, taking some time to do something calming can help a lot. If you're feeling really bad, try it. Just take some time. Go for a walk, or draw, whatever you enjoy. It should help you feel better."

"...Thank you..." I mumble.

"You're more than welcome." She gives me a kiss on the forehead and says, "Now go on."

"Yeah..." As Reena draws back, I let the mark fade. I stare at the ceiling for a very, very long time.

.

.

.

Eventually, I think again. It's weird, interacting like that. It's all really just her putting those feelings in my head. As real as it feels, it's still weird to think about afterward.

But I do feel a little better. The guilt isn't crushing me anymore. I can deal with this. Since I already have my blackboard and I haven't done my homework yet, I decide to do that. I close my eyes and let my mind clear, slowly slipping into sort-of meditation while I write out all the different words I've learned for practice, switching hands once in a while to make sure I get practice both ways.

Just like that, I pass the rest of the time until the night begins to fall.

Around the last bell, Emily gets home. Before I know it, I'm running over and hugging her tightly. "A-Aria?" she questions worriedly.

"Sorry, I just wanted to hug you," I say quietly. I still feel kind of guilty. Now that I've thought things through, I know it's completely ridiculous. Like Myra said, having Emily in my body for a bit shouldn't have created any serious problems. Well, her having access to all of my memories instead of just Riko's maybe, but nothing I should feel crippling guilt over.

But I can't help how I feel. And I still feel guilty. And too embarrassed about feeling guilty that I can't bring myself to tell her about it. So I just hug her for a while instead.

When I finally release Emily and bury my burning face in my homework, she just sits and pats me on the head briefly, before taking my hair down for the night. "You look kind of worn out, want to get washed off? The hot water will feel really nice," she suggests. That's right. After three weeks, I can make hot water again.

A small smile touches my lips. "Sure."

"Ooh, are you going to bathe again?" Mary asks excitedly from over on her bed. The other girls in the room perk up too.

"Yeah, you're welcome to use the water too." I answer. I did promise them they could, I've just been bathing extremely early in the morning, or couldn't use mana, so they haven't had a chance to share any of it lately. But then I realize it's almost time for dinner. "Actually, after dinner, ok?"

They all agree, and get back to their own things, but they look more excited than before. Emily runs to draw a bucket of water just before the last bell, then we all settle in and do our own things for the last bit.

I take the opportunity to keep teaching Emily the alphabet, as well as I can at least. It's been almost a month, but I haven't been very fast or consistent with our improvised lessons, so we're only about halfway through. But we're getting there, and with the water mana she carries all the time, she hardly needs more than a few reviews to learn them, which is really helpful.

After the other girls head down for dinner, John arrives with my food. He's still coughing though, and it looks kind of painful. "Do you want me to help?" I offer immediately.

"With a cough?" he asks, looking a little amused. But then he actually thinks about it for a moment, and says, "Sure, why not?" Since my stuff is upstairs, I turn to Emily. "Can I?" I ask, and she nods. I draw her lightning mana and pass it to John.

Huh, that's strange. John can't hold as much as Emily. It was about twenty percent for her, a little less than half of one mana, but it takes up more of the space in John. Not by much, maybe a few percent, but adults should hold more than children. Another mystery...

Leaving that aside, I ask how he feels. He gives a small cough, blinks a few times, then shrugs.

"A little better maybe?" he answers uncertainly.

"Let me know if it doesn't help, I can try something else, alright?"

"Sure," he chuckles, then waves and heads off for the night.

After that, I get Emily her mana back, we run through our usual nightly activities, and everyone gets a chance to bathe with hot water. Even Jannette. I'm a little reluctant since I don't think we've said more than a few words to each other since what happened. But a promise is a promise, so I reheat the water for her too.

With everything done, I actually settle in to sleep at a normal time. Nothing like the last three weeks, staying up most of the way through every night. I'm tired, especially with what happened today. I make some earth mana, but not too much. I don't want to rely on it.

With me lying in bed, Emily takes the opportunity to tell a bed time story. It's about a little girl going through a magical forest with all sorts of strange magical creatures. I lose a lot of the details as I start to fall asleep, but I think I pick up something about not trusting strangers, before I slip away entirely.