How I Met Your Monster #09

Zeus

Profile:

Zeus, Eons

God of Thunder (Greek)

Likes: Meeting new people, making new friends (if anyone asks you, I am just looking for friends), animals

Dislikes: My father, though that's not much of a concern anymore. Still stings, though.

Bio:

Just here looking to meet new friends, new people. Definitely not trying to sneak around behind my beautiful wife Hera's back. Don't even think about it.

AD

Come on down to the Red Eye Cafe and try our improved Chef's Special. Now with less Gravy! Mention this blog and you'll get 20% off! Open around the clock.

Hey everyone. Vexys here. I don't know how Silas does this, but to be honest, I knew today was going to be an exhausting day. First off, I know Zeus. I mean, I'm a gorgon. Duh. He's tried to trick me into sleeping with him a million times. Second off, I didn't sleep last night and Zeus wanted to meet me at some rock climbing place. Asshole. So now I'm sore, mentally drained, and slightly paranoid. Wouldn't be the first time Hera has been breathing down my back.

Anyway, I get to Rockz n Rollz and immediately spot Zeus leaning on the counter talking up the brunette who was trying to hand him his harness. Which he doesn't even need, mind you. Guy is the god of skies and all of that. He'll be fine. An eighty foot fall isn't even enough to make him blink.

But he's standing there, dirty blonde windswept hair, jean jacket like that was still in style, and trying his best to look like a thirty year old. But he keeps saying stuff like, "Back when I was your age" to the woman who was clearly in her forties.

I cough loudly but politely, and his attention snapped to me. The woman behind the counter looked so relieved. I have my sunglasses on in case any of the humans around here want to play dumb and join the rocks, and Zeus lets out a low whistle. I groan in disgust.

"Sexy Vexy, what are you doing here?"

"I'm Silas' blog partner. And it's Vexys. Don't make me pray to Hera."

He puts up his hands in defense, "Be cool, man. I'm just here to meet cool people who like my hobbies, ya dig?"

"You really need a refresher on this generation's slang, old man."

"Whatevs, Vexys. Let's grab a wall."

We suit up and find a wall not being used by people, a nice minotaur guy holding the rope for us. He let Zeus hang loose since he's . . . Zeus, but kept a good grip on mine I'm not a big fan of falling.

"So, Zeus," I said. "What are you on Unhinged for?"

"Why do you want to know? What's it to you?"

"Um, this is an interview. That's the whole point of this blog?"

He lets go of the wall and scratches the back of his head while laughing. It's not lost on me that he is standing at an angle off the wall with no support or grip. Jackass.

"Right, right. Well, like I said, I'm just trying to make some friends to go out and have fun with."

"You've got to be kidding me, Zeus. You're one of the biggest players I have ever met. You've tried to sleep with me several times. A few of them semi-recently."

"I'm a changed man, Vexys. I swear!"

"You called me sexy Vexy when I first got here and were flirting with the desk lady."

"So, I'm a flirt. It's all harmless."

I stop climbing, breath almost gone. I hated this, "Damn. here I was hoping you would want to come home with me."

"Wait, seriously? Off the record?" I would never agree to that, by the way. Don't worry, Silas. "I'm on the site to find people who can be discreet. I'm always looking for a good time. You know that, baby."

I almost vomit. I don't think I had the energy though. "So, what kind of person are you looking for?"

"Oh damn, girl. I'm down for literally everything. Werewolf, check. Naiad, check. Slime monster? You best believe check. And you know I'd like a gorgon any day of the week."

"You said be discreet, right? So Hera can't know about this?"

"You know how she gets. Remember the crap she put my son through? She's already got me sleeping at Hades' place. I have to change my ways and be a better husband."

"So, why don't you?"

"It's just not in my nature. Look at all the different creatures out there, just asking to be explored. So many of them would give an arm for a night with me. But I went and married the one woman who won't let me out to explore."

"I think it's less about that and more about showing her basic decency and respect?"

He scoffed, "You sound like Persephone. Who also wouldn't give me a shot, by the way."

I roll my eyes behind my sunglasses, "Gee, I wonder why."

"Right?" He said, shaking his head, "Everybody is so uptight these days. I though you were too, but now that you know the truth, how about we head out and go have some fun?"

I push off the wall, and the minotaur gives me the slack to get back to the floor safely. Zeus pops up behind me like he was always there.

"Hey, Vexys, what gives? I thought you wanted to go have some fun?"

I close my eyes for a second and smirk at him.

"ZEUS!" A bellow rings out across Rockz n Rollz and Hera herself was standing in the doorway. A flash of lightning appears in the middle of the room and Zeus is gone. His wife looked at me and glared, and she's quickly gone as well.

"We're going to have to ask you to leave," the minotaur said. "We're lucky they didn't destroy the place."

"So, there's that, everyone reading this. I was told not to put in too much opinion if I could help it, but I think it's a public service to warn you all to try and avoid any possible dates with Zeus. Thanks for reading.

-Zeus